Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by Kirpa, once again staring into the camera Office-style, as she realizes she gets to go to an amazing international location but it's with these ding dongs.

We're in Singapore this week!

When you're trying to figure out what a phlebotomist is

I'm being serious here, do you think if we asked Colton to spell "phlebotomist," he'd be like "Okay, F-L...."

So phlebotomist Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date in Singapore and it's actually one of the cooler dates. I mean, after we get past this first part that includes them both walking up to the ocean then being shocked that it gets their shoes wet. Water is crazy like that, y'all.

They go bungee jumping off this big ass tower because who doesn't want to risk their life in a foreign country with a vanilla yogurt of a man you met 2 weeks ago. Hooray! FYI it does look pretty fun and they yell sweet nothings at each other like "Don't die."

Later they go to dinner at the usual Pottery Barn-inspired setup:

Tayshia tells Colton that she recently got divorced after marrying her first boyfriend. Colton replies with something like "aw" and "thank you for sharing" because as much as he tries to be deep and emotional, this man is about as profound as a wet tissue. And I want to note that it kills me how the ladies on this series ALWAYS look their best — like they go all out with their dresses, hair and make-up and the dudes (in this case Colton) ALWAYS look like frat bros getting somewhat dressed up for a date at Panera:

Oh wow, went really formal with the light pink. Wow. He of course gives her a rose and kisses her with his lips that look like two fish swimming in opposite directions.

"I feel like his attention is on all the girls"
Yes Alabama, that is how the group date works. So the ladies whose names Colton can't remember get to go on a group date at a local market. They proceed to walk around like a bunch of little kids swarming around the ball during a youth soccer match (except Colton is the ball) and at some point thirsty ass Demi jumps on Colton's back. Which I'm sure is exactly what he wants in 80-degree temps with 200% humidity.

To be honest, at this point, I wouldn't even care about getting a rose. You've won a free trip to Singapore, enjoy it! Go find a Crazy Rich Asian!

They then see this sign and I mean how can you pass up a random sign propped up on some pipes touting a "leech lady"?

So the group ventures into this random room where a woman is putting leeches on people. You can't knock her very literal marketing tactics. Heather reacts as such:

Post-leeching, they settle in for some "exotic" cuisine that includes totally insane things like....frog legs. And chicken feet. AKA THE MOST DELICIOUS THINGS AT DIM SUM. And this is Hannah G.'s reaction to the food festivities:

I mean this in the sweetest way possible, but based on her facial expression and general whiteness, I feel it's safe to say the most exotic thing Hannah has ever eaten is the Asian chicken salad from Cheesecake Factory. And even then, she asks for the "Asian" on the side.

Meanwhile, my main girl Kirpa dives into this pig's foot because she ain't no chump.

They conclude the lunch portion of the date by cheersing with glasses of Pepto Bismol:

The point in the night where they all wait in line to make out with Colton
Onto the evening portion of this shit show, Miss Alabama steals Colton away to very casually and calmly talk to him again about the dramatic situation between her and North Carolina (which, btw, they settled their differences this week so they're not enemies anymore, just frenemies).

He looks totally unafraid as she grips the chair behind him like a hawk holding a helpless mouse in its talons.

Then it's Cassie's turn and she's like check out this new toga I got:

They kiss horribly for a bit and make a joke about how a fortune teller told them earlier in the day they were siblings in another life. And Colton comments "That's not a kiss a sister would give," because I guess he used to kiss his sister a lot.

Next is our little kookaburra Demi who shares with Colton that her mom is "stuck in a place she doesn't really want to be," aka prison, which I don't know, maybe her mom shouldn't have committed a felony. Just a thought. Colton thanks her for sharing because he is apparently a kindergarten teacher facilitating show-and-tell. And then we get this which is probably the most terrifying thing I've witnessed all year:

While all this making out is happening, Courtney is freaking out because she hasn't talked Colton.

Here's a summary:

Courtney: I'm just worried because everyone else has gotten time with him
Demi: Okay, well go grab him now then
Courtney: I just want to talk to him
Demi: Oh okay, well no one is talking to him now why don't you go talk to him
Courtney: It's just like I want to talk to him you know

After Courtney spends 14 days talking about wanting to talk to Colton instead of actually talking to him, Demi goes to steal him away again. This angers Courtney and her and Demi have a stupid exchange of comments and blah blah, Demi gets the group date rose.

When you're totally okay with Caelynn getting the one-on-one

Hannah doesn't care, omg Hannah doesn't think about Caelynn at all except every minute of every day. But that's it.

So North Carolina wins again, I mean, Caelynn gets the one-on-one that is THE best date of every Bachelor season — the one where the show, I mean the Bachelor, takes the girl on a shopping trip. They go around to all of these stores and Caelynn tries on a bunch of clothes for Colton like this is some sort of montage from "Pretty Woman." And this wouldn't be a standard day at the mall if they didn't make out like this!

In all my time on this planet, I have never felt the need to grab onto my man like a spider monkey in the middle of a Forever21. Maybe I don't know what real love is.

She then returns to the house looking like a contestant from "Supermarket Sweep," to flaunt her goods.

About 105% of the house is on the verge of bursting into tears because their "boyfriend" (read: not their boyfriend, he is the Bachelor which literally means single) bought another woman gifts! Cassie actually does burst into tears but is still sweet about trying to convince herself to be legitimately happy for Caelynn:

Anyway, while the girls are weeping, Caelynn changes into a gown that looks exactly like Keira Knightley's green dress from "Atonement" and heads to dinner with Colton.

During dinner, she shares that she was sexually assaulted in college and it's horrifying and honestly Caelynn is far too good for this show. She talks about how it has impacted her relationships and the courage this girl has is unbelievable.

Colton gives her a rose and they end the date looking like a couple from a Nicholas Sparks movie.

Everything is terrible
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Demi, who already has a rose, decides it's shit-talking o'clock and tells Colton that Courtney is "the cancer of the house." Good lord. I mean, we know that Demi is petty and kind of dumb and rude, but this is terrible. Courtney then FINALLY speaks with Colton who lets her know off-the-bat what Demi said. She in turn says "No, Demi is the cancer of the house" and the lesson here is these women are not good at comebacks. Colton then says this is his "worst nightmare," which ok calm down, a herd of clowns singing Nickelback songs would be way worse.

Demi and Courtney then get into another confrontation where they both avoid eye contact while hurling stupid insults at each other and let's just let Kirpa's reaction speak for all of us:

At the Rose Ceremony, ABC gives us one last dramatic shot of Demi and Courtney and I mean, based on this shot, we'll never know why Courtney accused Demi of being immature.

Who even knows where that rose came from and how many Doritos-crusted fingers have touched it. In the end, Tracy and Courtney go home without roses. But again, they just got a free trip to Singapore which is infinitely better than spending an eternity with Colton. So who's the real winner.

Before I end this post, I have to get one very important thing off my chest:

CAN PEOPLE STOP PUTTING THEIR SHOES ON THE BED??? LIKE ARE Y'ALL ALL ANIMALS?? THOSE SHOES HAVE WALKED ON THE GROUND WHERE THERE IS OTHER STUFF LIKE POO AND ALSO PIGEON POO. WHY.

Okay, thank you. See you all next week as we all continue waiting for this trash chute of a show to give us the scene where Colton jumps a fence. Til then, find me requesting Danity Kane at the DJ booth and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2019 SAG Awards?

If every other awards show is a crock pot meal that takes HOURS to finish, the SAG Awards are Chipotle. In and out (both the restaurant and your body) in a short period of time and extremely satisfying. There is no real red carpet show (sorry "People TV" hosting a pre-show on Twitter) and they are REALLY on time. I love a good case of efficiency.

So let's jump in!

Standard yelling about Gemma Chan

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Ummm who gave Gemma Chan the right to make everyone else at this show look like a bridge troll? Can you guys believe she invented pink dresses? I'm screaming. I have never wanted to buy a dress that seems to be made of parrot or flamingo or flamingo parrot more in my life. But wait! It gets better:

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THIS B JUST STYLED HER HAIR IN A LOW, MESSY PONYTAIL. How does she even do it. Anytime I wear a low ponytail I look like a colonial man. Okay and I cannot even get into a scream thesis about her brows because this post will go on forever. The overall point here (and in all of my awards show posts this season) is Gemma Chan is flawless and we are all just raccoons digging in the garbage in comparison.

And I will never forgive the SAG Awards for seating her at the backend of the "Crazy Rich Asians" table.

Like, who is that woman at the front? And why is Eddie Huang also near the front? And why is Henry Golding wearing that fugly bronze-colored jacket? Everything is terrible. And GChan is so far back that she had to raise her arms when I yelled from my living room "WHERE IS GEMMA CHAN?"

BUT WAIT IT GETS WORSE.

The SAG Awards introduced this group as "the cast of Crazy Rich Asians" and yet, NO GEMMA CHAN IS ANYWHERE ON THAT STAGE. And maybe you're thinking "Well stop screaming Kristi, it's just the film's leads who are up there" BUT WRONG AGAIN, YOU WRONGASAURUS REX. Ken Jeong is by no means one of the "stars" of the movie.

Okay we have to move on, why do you all insist I yell about this topic so much.

When your parents make you come to an awards show

Lil' Timothee Chalamet in the background actually reading the program they hand out while his parents, John Krasinski and Emily Blunt, remind us that we are obsessed with them. Do you think their house is just a bunch of mirrors? Because I know if I were them, I would just want to see us all the time. There's a saying that "God doesn't give with both hands" but in their case, he gave with both hands and feet and threw in all of the good stuff brewing in the back.

Emily won female actor in a supporting role for "The Quiet Place" and when she thanked John, HE STARTED CRYING:

And I did too, both for the emotion and also for that piece of fish in the background that he seems to have not finished. I can literally taste the lemon pepper just looking at it.

"I need all of you in this room for inspiration"

I assume by "this room" Mahershala means my apartment and by "all of you" he means me and all my chins eating this Chinese takeout in sweatpants. Mahershala accepted male actor in a supporting role for "Green Book" wearing this fine ass maroon suit and look, am I saying that we used to date? Yes. That is exactly what I'm saying and what my resume reflects so please tell everyone.

Twinsters

Darren Criss is just Jesse Bradford had his career materialized past "Bring It On." Darren won the award for male actor in a TV movie or miniseries for "Assassination of Gianni Versace" and I'm pretty sure Jesse Bradford won a Teen Choice Award at some point in his life so they're on pretty equal ground.

Rachel Brosnahan looking just like Kacey Musgraves, who history books have told us invented the middle part. Rachel and Mrs. Maisel swept the comedy awards and I'm not diving into my dissatisfaction with that again, but rather, I'd like to offer something positive:

UMMM RACHEL BROSNAHAN'S HUSBAND IS FINE AS HELL. With his little Clark Kent glasses. And that's it. That's my huge compliment for Mrs. Maisel.

Can you guys let me know

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This is Adam Driver's performance of me trying to decide if I like Adam Driver. I'm having such an internal struggle — is he good looking? Is there something goofy about him? Should I date him just to find out? STAY TUNED.

Obligatory "OMG IT'S ANDREA FROM 90210" moment

When I see her, I immediately hear that electric guitar of 90210's opening song. Who would have guessed Andrea Zuckerman would go from being editor of the school newspaper to being president of SAG-AFTRA? Some high schools' career prep classes are just way better than others I guess.

Here's the thing about Amy Adams

She's kind of like the baked chicken of awards show season. Always on the menu but never something you're like OMG THE BAKED CHICKEN IS AMAZING about because baked chicken in its essence can not be amazing. It is reliably good. And that's it. Anyway, baked chicken lost again this year, but we'll see her at the Oscars and probably every year she does a movie until they finally decide enough is enough and give her an award (à la Leo DiCaprio).

And here's the thing about Sandra Oh

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WE DON'T DESERVE HER. And she obviously won female actor in a drama series. And she is the only one who can pull off a bun and 80s wavy bangs.

Trust no bitch

I think I've made it very clear to you and my therapist that I have a hard time distinguishing TV from reality. So you can understand why I hate Joseph Fiennes, aka, THE MOFO COMMANDER FROM "A HANDMAID'S TALE." Doesn't it just look like he's making some sort of creepy "MMMM" noise? He looks like he whispers a lot. And has really soft hands, but in a creepy way. Let's just all just agree to stay away from him.

Oh, come on Mandy

So "This Is Us" won the award for ensemble in a drama series meaning Mandy Moore got a microphone and what did she do with that time, might you ask? Well, she did not do what we were all hoping she would — give us an acoustic performance of "Candy." Or honestly, we would've welcomed any of the emotional songs from "A Walk to Remember" or that one song from "Center Stage" OR WAIT. No, she should've revived this bop:

Y'ALL. I just watched this video in its entirety for the first time in at least 15 years and I'm dying. That hair. The outfits. Based on the supreme acting exhibited in this, we should've known she was bound for greatness.

Still eating that Lifesaver

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I have now accepted the fact that I would like for Rami Malek to stalk me. That is how every great love story begins. I bet I would wake up so many times to find him watching me sleep and he'd be like "I like watching you breathe" and I'd be like "Omg babe, so cute, love you too" and we'd live creepily ever after.

Also he won male actor in a leading role and I have a feeling he'll win the Oscar. My lil' creep boo!

Speaking of the men in my life

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Michael B. Jordan showed up in this floral Louis Vuitton harness over an impeccably fitted navy suit and what's important to note about this fashion situation is: This man could wear a tank top made of shredded carrots and I'd be like CARROTS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR EYES. Wait, wow that worked out well. It's like he pulled up to the show and someone at the entrance lied to him and said everyone was required to wear a harness to get in. But again, I don't hate it because clothes of every material were made to be worn by Michael B. Jordan. In fact, I myself am a T-shirt so does anyone know how I can get to his house.

And that's it! A solid 2-hour show. If you want a full list of the actual winners, you can find them here.

See y'all tomorrow for fodder on The Bachelor! Til then, find me taking all of the pretzel samples from Auntie Anne's and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 3)

This week's recap is brought to you by Kirpa sporting a coffee-shop-poetry-slam look while staring straight into the camera like this is an episode of "The Office" and she just realized how terrible everything is.

Um also this is apparently what she looks like without makeup which is outright rude and I would like to sue because my brows have been robbed.

Aaargh you kidding me
Haha, y'all are so lucky to have me. The first group date takes place at what appears to be the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. The ladies put on pirate costumes and proceed to lightly dab each other with giant Q-Tips while Colton watches dressed as a character from a low-budget pirate porno:

Miss North Carolina ends up winning the cotton swab contest and blah blah all I could focus on was the fact that one of their pirate "teachers" looked like Screech:

When you call someone out and they end up getting the group date rose

The drama between Alabama and North Carolina continues during the evening portion of the group date as Alabama realizes she can no longer keep her nondescript dislike for Carolina to herself. She offers Colton the most vague and confusing explanation as to why she doesn't like Caelynn that in summary is essentially "I don't like her." Complex, I know.

Colton is also confused and pulls Caelynn aside for clarification. She confirms they had a falling out but that she's had real shit happen in her life. Meanwhile, this "rivalry" seems to be the Tang fueling Alabama's breakfast every morning. Anyway, Colton ends up giving North Carolina the rose because that is the most dramatic thing to do.

But wait, we're not done with this!

"I'm a tank of rage"
Hannah and Caelynn's "feud" comes up again during the pre-Rose Ceremony pool party (I hate myself for typing that) when Caelynn finally tells Colton why she doesn't like Alabama - saying Hannah started talking shit about her after she beat her in the Miss USA pageant. She also says she's manipulative and toxic. Colton then talks to Hannah who's like "NOT UH! Caelynn is toxic! And manipulative! Just freakin trust me!" She then proceeds to make this face while saying she's full or rage and this is all completely normal and doesn't convince me to believe North Carolina over her at all.

They both end up getting roses meaning we have to continue living in this Miss USA Groundhog Day.

Wow still so courageous
Elyse continues her streak of bravery of being 31 on TV during the one-on-one date. She and Colton spend the day at an amusement park with kids from a children's hospital and it's actually pretty sweet. Only made stupid by the fact that Elyse cannot keep reminding Colton that she is 31. She keeps saying "I don't know if we're on the same page" and "I'm just unsure about how the age difference will play out." Girl. Calm down and stop acting like you signed the Declaration of Independence, y'all are five years apart.

She's so busy recounting her days on the Oregon Trail that she completely misses the literal red flag that he's a bad kisser:

They continue kissing badly during dinner at the show's usual spot - the bottom of the Titanic staircase:

And in keeping with the copy/paste nature of these Bachelor dates, Colton says he "has another surprise." Spoiler alert: The "surprise" is ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS a vaguely country music band playing some ballad while the couple dances in front of a huge group of strangers:

The show does this slow dancing thing EVERY SEASON and call me traditional, but I don't want to dance in front of a bunch of strangers unless "Work From Home" is playing and it's a day of the week that ends in Y and omg jk I love dancing in front of strangers (but not for money anymore).

Bri is definitely heading to Bachelor in Paradise

I have been a Bri fan since she entered the show with a fake Australian accent that lasted one episode. Then we never heard from her again, but that was only because she was extremely busy SERVING THESE LEWKS. This pool party look! Those gold hoops! That headband! I have been a staunch supporter of headbands since Blair Waldorf invented them on "Gossip Girl" in 2007 and Chrissy Teigen popularized them on vacation last year (that is the complete history of headbands).

Bri ends up not getting a rose this week because I'm pretty sure she hasn't talked to Colton since meeting him. Before leaving, she checked the oven and pulled out one last look to serve:

Her glam updo is always how I picture myself looking in a ponytail, when in reality I look like this:

See you on Bachelor in Paradise, Bri!

Okay we get it, you have a torso
For the second group date, Colton greets the ladies looking like a baby that just pooped in the toilet for the first time:

And the ladies all scream like they have never seen a shirtless man before, which, Zac Efron did not dedicate his entire career to being a horrible but perfectly chiseled actor for such disrespect. Anyway, Terry Crews and Rebecca King-Crews let the girls know they're about to participate in a "Bachelor Strongest Woman" competition, which most of their Lululemon leggings are not prepared for. They do a bunch of indoor activities first and Sydney uses that time for some casual stretching:

ABC makes these people do the cheesiest, cliche things. I'm shocked they haven't rolled out a pottery wheel to have one of the ladies make a bowl with Colton like in "Ghost."

The best part of this whole indoor waste of time is Rebecca's face as Nicole attempts a pull-up:

What you can't see happening in this particular shot is Catherine "helping" Nicole by pushing her up by the ass. It's like you can hear Rebecca saying "What the hell am I doing here."

Onyeka ends up winning the actual "competition," beating Sydney and Catherine. The super awesome prize is this $2.99 trophy that I'm sure some poor production assistant had to run out to Target to buy.

After this rigorous day of pure athleticism, the ladies head to the evening portion of the date where they all share 8 grapes and 2 slices of cheese:

WHAT THE HELL?? If this was the only food provided to me after an EXHAUSTING day of carrying balls, I would eat the rose. And maybe that pound cake looking candle.

Last name: Hungry. First name: Always. (And FYI Nicole ends up getting the group date rose)

Who is this

I literally forgot who this was and made a note to "find out who middle-part girl is." As it turns out, it doesn't matter because Colton doesn't remember her either and ends up sending her home at the end of the group date. This is after they have a riveting conversation in which she really opens up by telling him "My life has been good." HOW CAN YOU SEND SOMEONE HOME WHO JUST BARED THEIR SOUL LIKE THAT?

He tries to hold her hand while escorting her out and she's like NAH BRUH and luckily her Uber is waiting for her when they get outside.

This creepy shot of Colton watching Middle-Part leave reminds me of the fugly outfit he wears during this group date...

When you've got The Bachelor at 8, but have to sell used cars at 10

Whose man is this.

Wait what
Okay look, I am not one to judge except wait what is this? A robe and a gavel and here comes the judgement:

THAT GIRL ON THE LEFT IS ALSO DEMI. I had no idea who she was at first - I assumed one of the show's producers was just hanging out with the ladies. But nope. Throw on a tube of liquid liner and a heap of smoky eye and it's our very own kookaburra! Again, full disclaimer that I only judge in situations where I have an opinion to loudly share. Only in those circumstances.

Demi continues her rude ass crazypants streak this week by first insulting Tracy, saying she "can't imagine what it must be like for an older woman to be here," which okay yes that is rude but also LOLOLOLOL. As an older woman, I can confirm I would die laughing at this. And also actually die because there is nothing more hurtful than a youth calling you out.

She next uses her time with Colton to blindfold and spank him:

She thinks she is the only one who "challenges" Colton and believes she makes him nervous, which in her defense, he does look nervous every time she comes around. But like, in the same way that someone who just ate raw chicken is nervous - generally uneasy and unsure about what is about to happen.

What even is the temperature

In one shot, we see Nicole in summer clothes and Hannah in winter ones. Wtf. Is the Bachelor mansion so big that half of it is in Alaska and the other half is in Hawaii? A truly amazing show.

And that's it! See you next week when the group heads to Singapore because it's good for us to see them all being offensive in an international setting. Til then, find me yelling "THESE HURT MY MOUTH" while eating a whole bag of salt & vinegar chips and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).