Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by my realization that Colton is def gonna lose his hair in about 6-8 years.

That hairline is just gonna TLC "Creep" its way on back if it doesn't thin out like cotton candy first.

We made it to hometown dates! Where we get to experience the antiquated tradition of Colton asking each of the ladies' dads for "permission" to marry them as if some sort of dowry is being exchanged. This is a crazy idea, but um, why doesn't he ask BOTH parents? I KNOW. A novel concept.

Anyway, let's get on with this auction.

Virginia with Caelynn

Since Caelynn is Miss North Carolina, we are in her hometown of Fredericksburg, Virginia. Duh. She shows Colton around in a horse drawn carriage and they take in such sites as this creepy van:

They stop for ice cream at her favorite spot and she says the best part is that the ice cream smells really good. What poo ice cream has she been eating that doesn't smell good? Luckily, we are blessed enough to get to see Colton eating ice cream the same way he kisses:

Wow, hot. During a deeper-than-expected conversation ahead of meeting her family, we learn that Caelynn's biological dad is not a part of her life and she considers her stepdad her dad. Which wait what. Is this a normal thing to be hearing for the first time before meeting your girlfriend's parents? This hasn't come up before? I am shocked considering how deep all of the conversations on this show are.

They arrive to the family barbecue and proceed to ignore everyone and stare at this basket of fried things.

The break-off sessions for family chats then go down. Caelynn's mom and sister voice their concerns and her stepdad-dad tells her "Sounds like he could just be a friend" which might be the best line this season. Caelynn reassures him that their relationship is real and she thinks this could end with the greatest love story ever or in heartbreak, which is inaccurate because there is a third option: this could also end with all of the women quitting the show after realizing Colton is less exciting than a loaf of stale bread. THERE'S ALWAYS A THIRD OPTION.

Caelynn's stepdad-dad gives his "permission" for Colton to propose after Colton makes a stellar case for it by being like "Not sure if I want to, but just in case, is it cool if I do. K cool."

They then stand at the top of the stairs watching a projection of home movies, which, okay sure this seems like the regular location for that to occur.

They end the night sitting on a dark ass bench in front of her house. Caelynn says she's "fully" in love with Colton and he says he's falling in love with her (This is a line we will hear 3 more times this episode).

Alabama with Hannah

Next we head to Hannah's hometown of Birmingham because it was a prerequisite for all Hannahs this season to be from Alabama. And what's stupid is that Hannah G. doesn't even have an accent, which is one of the biggest benefits of living in the South. Biscuits is the other.

I have no idea what time of year it is, I guess Augbruary based on the fact that Hannah is topless and Colton is in a winter Gap ad.

Hannah says she's going to show Colton what the South is all about so they head to an etiquette class. (FYI: What the South is actually about: Biscuits, Basketball, Barbecue, Bojangles and bJesus)

They go through an etiquette class where this lady teaches them how to eat bread, explaining that you tear off one piece at a time and butter each individual piece:

This is the stupidest way to eat bread, in case anyone is wondering. There is no way even rich white people do this shit. TEAR ONE PIECE OFF AND BUTTER EACH PIECE? Aside from how time consuming that is, HOW MUCH FUCKING BUTTER DO YOU END UP EATING? The whole point of bread is to see how fast you can put the entire thing in your mouth.

Later when Hannah brings Colton to her family's house, they mistakenly think they're guests on Oprah's Favorite Things episode:

Hannah's mom has her reservations but Hannah so eloquently shares "But Mom, like, he, like, makes me happy, like I feel safe and like, like, he accepts me, like, for me, like." And Hannah's mom is so moved by that Gettysburg Address that she says she's happy for them.

Meanwhile, Colton talks with Hannah's dad, letting him know that he has been drawn to Hannah since the beginning because she "reminds him of home," which I now realize means she reminds him of his mirror at home because THEY LOOK LIKE THEY COULD BE SIBLINGS. Colton then asks Hannah's dad if it's cool to propose, maybe, and her dad gives his blessing.

Colton and Hannah then sit on what might be the same bench from Caelynn's house and both say they're falling in love and blah blah I am falling in and out of consciousness because this is boring as hell.

Orange County with Tayshia
Tayshia welcomes Colton to Orange County by blindfolding him for the Bird Box challenge:

She surprises him with skydiving because she would rather jump out of a plane than have an actual conversation with him.

Colton is scared shitless but maintains his sex appeal:

This photo made my ovaries pack up their bags and evict themselves. Look at those T-Rex hands! While Tayshia is just chillin in the back. What a man.

After surviving falling out of a plane, they head to this totally unstaged outdoor patio setup in a hangar like this is a love scene out of "Pearl Harbor" (omg remember the Kate Beckinsale/Josh Hartnett scene, this is nothing like that).

Tayshia tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he tells her he's known he was falling for her since their brussels sprouts fart date in Denver. We are then subjected to this:

THAT'S HIS LIL' TONGUE. Colton kisses like a middle school boy who thinks stabbing his tongue into a girl's mouth is expert-level.

Later Tayshia brings Colton to meet her family and we learn that her brother must be at least 6'4", right? And before anyone chastises me, he tells Colton he's in federal law enforcement so he must be at least 18 right? Okay until that's verified, I'm not saying if I am or am not attracted to him:

Also dying at how he's looking right into the camera. And again, not confirming whether or not I want to date him, but he actually eats the set food!

I hope by "federal law enforcement" he means he's in training for like, the actual FBI. And he isn't just president of the federal law enforcement appreciation club at school.

In getting to the real reason for this visit, Colton chats with Tayshia's dad, who we learn is the MVP of this shitty episode. He outright asks Colton how he can be in love with four women at once, WHICH DEAR GOD FINALLY. Colton responds with "Yeah but like, can I marry Tayshia maybe if I decide I love her more?" To which, I'll let this shot of Tayshia's little brother speak for all of us:

Tayshia's dad is skeptical as hell and can't give Colton "permission" because they literally just met (wow how sensible). So they go back inside and Colton is shook because it's the year 1900 and legally you cannot marry a woman if her dad does not give you permission, so what is he going to do?

Tayshia ends up convincing her dad that Colton is the one and blah blah, by the end he gives Colton his blessing. And Colton and Tayshia leave and instead of making out on Caelynn and Hannah's bench, they make out under a tree next to Colton's Uber. Romance.

Huntington Beach with Cassie
Cassie welcomes Colton to the set of The O.C. and says she's going to teach him how to surf. Now, I'm not Kate Bosworth in Blue Crush, but I think to surf you actually have to use the boards, not just make-out near them. I think.

They actually do end up getting in the water and if you thought Colton was hot jumping out of a plane with T-Rex arms and a harness thong, he's 10x more hot flopping around on a surfboard. Looking like Bigfoot spotted in the wild.

After Cassie is officially turned on by his pure athleticism, they take a break to chat. Colton attempts to find out exactly how Cassie feels about him (aka he wants her to tell him she's falling in love) but she completely skirts the topic.

They then head to her house to meet her dad and literal clones of Cassie, aka her mom and sisters.

Cassie's dad is approximately 10000x more skeptical of Colton than Tayshia's dad was. Cassie tries to reassure him by being like "OMG DADDY, JUST LET ME DO WHAT I WANT" which is super convincing. We also learn that Cassie is unsure if she's ready to get married — she knows she's ready for a serious relationship on the way to marriage, but maybe not marriage just yet.

Colton then chats with Cassie's dad who makes this facial expression the entire time, so you can guess what direction the conversation heads.

He obviously doesn't give Colton permission. And to top things off, Cassie doesn't tell Colton she's falling in love with him. Rather, she says she's "100% confident and excited to see where everything can go," which is peak "I like you as a friend" territory.

So for those keeping score:
Caelynn - said she's in love & her dad signed the permission slip

Hannah - said she was falling in love & her dad signed the permission slip

Tayshia - said she was falling in love & her dad signed the permission slip
Cassie - said she's looking forward to the final season of Game of Thrones & her dad shredded the permission slip

In remembering that Colton said he doesn't want to risk picking women who are unsure, it seems pretty clear which 3 women he'll pick right?

FUCKING WRONG. HE SENDS CAELYNN HOME.

I don't know who's more shocked — Caelynn or Cassie, who can't believe she scammed her way into the final 3.

Colton leads Caelynn to yet another bench (there must've been a BOGO sale on benches) where we assume he's going to fully dive into why he made the decision that he did. And she's crying and asking why AND HE LITERALLY SAYS NO WORDS.

Instead of comforting her or offering ANY level of closure, he proceeds to give her a raspberry on her head instead of her belly, while actively messing up her hair.

Caelynn then leaves and Colton stress poops.

While Caelynn's Uber drives away, she cries but also delivers some great sound bites that would fit perfectly into promos for the next season of The Bachelorette ("I thought this would be it. I don't know what's next for me now..."). So I mean, do the right thing ABC.

I want to wrap this up by saying YOOO F COLTON THOUGH. I've made some calls to ensure he is banned from North Carolina and is not allowed to eat biscuits ever in any location ever.

And that's it! I'm not exaggerating this time when I say there is a 66% chance Colton chooses a blonde in the end. See you all next week when the fence jumping scene that has been touted for 15 years will finally happen (allegedly).

Til then, find me using Google Street View to find Michael B. Jordan's house and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2019 Oscars?

This year's Oscars recap is brought to you by this red carpet splitscreen of Kacey Musgraves and Gemma Chan. In doing something that is wildly onbrand, I reacted by screaming.

HOW Y'ALL GONNA HAVE MY TWO FAVES ON SCREEN AT ONCE AND NOT WARN ME??? Also just in case, I want to clarify that when I say "I screamed," I don't mean that figuratively. I mean I literally screamed. Anyway, this was a very spiritual experience.

I'm not addressing Kacey's weird Oregon Trail hairdo or tutu collar because she gave us the timeless bop "High Horse," so we all owe her.

According to the ads, it's movies biggest night! Or at least I thought it was, but based on how many promos I saw for Scott Foley's new show "Whiskey Cavalier" and how the Oscars flowed straight into the show's premiere, I think this might've just been the pre-show for that show.

Best dressed

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Her hair! Her makeup! This dress! Regina King elicited screams I wasn't ready to deliver until Gemma Chan arrived and I'm not upset about it. This dress is simple and elegant and THAT SLIT! Cut my life into pieces. Standing ovation to Regina for looking this gorg while actively avoiding showing her downstairs front door AND getting anything on this dress. She continues to amaze me.

As a connoisseur of perfect brows, I have always loved Emilia Clarke (plus this bitch ate a heart on Game of Thrones once, so). Even though she is approx 3 ft tall, she always finds the best gowns to suit her height that don't crinkle when I carry her around in my pocket. I'm also loving this new St. Vincent inspired sharp bob.

And now seems like the best time to point out that during an interview a couple years ago, Emilia did an impression of an American accent that sounded like a ditzy teenager from the valley, AKA ME. So based on that, I guess you could say she is also obsessed with me and our friendship is a two-way street.

EVERYONE IS LESSER THAN GEMMA CHAN
This is the last time this awards show season that I get to yell about Gemma Chan, so hold onto your lashes and put your earplugs in because this is about to get loud as hell.

Only Gemma Chan can show up with a messy low bun in a shapeless, highlighter pink muumuu AND STILL MAKE YOUR FAVES LOOK LIKE THE BEFORE SHOT OF A MAKEOVER. She continues to be the queen of wearing dresses with pockets, which SHE FILLED WITH SNACKS INCLUDING COOKIES:

A DRESS WITH POCKETS FULL OF SNACKS? At this point are we even sure she is a real person because it seems like she could just be a hologram of everything I love in one person.

I am still absolutely devastated she was forced to endure Rancic on the red carpet. At first, she was optimistic because she's wearing a dress with pockets after all!

But then, it really sets in that she is talking to a giant can of self-tanner and made a grave error in exposing her flawless skin to this Rancid air:

Luckily, she survived and served us this look at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party:

A TOXIC BRITNEY INSPIRED DRESS! AND A WHISKEY DRINK! What's next? She has a wiener dog and her favorite group is Danity Kane?

I could go on, but I'm assuming you all want to hear about other people besides Gemma, which is weird, but okay.

Who could've hosted the show
As it turns out, not having a host saved time and eliminated those stupid, unfunny mid-show skits. But, if we needed hosts who are actually funny, these would've been acceptable:

The Holy Trinity

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Amy, Tina and Maya opened the show and honestly had they just stayed on stage for 2/3 of the show, I wouldn't have complained. And not to toot my own horn BUT TOOT TOOT I've been within breathing distance of Tina Fey which I think makes me qualified to declare her and Amy and Maya the best hosts of our lives.

Melissa McCarthy and Brian Tyree Henry

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They obviously presented the award for costume design. Melissa had trouble opening the envelope because she was wearing a rabbit on her hand, which is the most acceptable reason to not be able to do something.

Awkwafina and John Mulaney

While Awkwafina is technically one year younger than me and John Mulaney is only 5 years older, I'd like these two to play my parents in a movie where I play a barista who has to decide between three men (Michael B. Jordan, Rami Malek and Chris Hemsworth) who are all obsessed with me. It's called "Shot at Love" omg get it, I def didn't steal that title from the name of Tila Tequila's MTV dating show in the mid-2000s.

I cry

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Hannah Beachler became the first African-American to be nominated for and win an Oscar in production design for her work on "Black Panther." But I'm going to assume this win is also for her work on "Lemonade" okay just let me think what I want. And I won't say her speech made me cry, but I will say something flew into both of my eyes causing them to water excessively and we'll never know what it was.

Section where I scream about hot men
UMMMM IS EVERYONE AWARE THAT CHRIS EVANS IS FINER THAN A .38-MM TIPPED PEN? (FYI: Asians love pens)

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Holy crap. I am willing to risk facial breakouts and rash from making out with his beard. And while I generally find it stupid to applaud men for doing basic things, Chris helping Regina King to the stage to accept Supporting Actress melted my heart like chocolate on a dashboard on a summer day:

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My lil' hipster boo Mahershala Ali won Supporting Actor (for the second time).

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More importantly, I finally realized he reminds me of this boy I was obsessed with in high school, who also had a really smooth voice. We had one class together and talked every now and then until things escalated by 10000 when he randomly asked me if I thought he was attractive. Before I could answer because I was busy diverting all of the blood in my body to my cheeks, he said "....because I think you are really pretty." And I have no idea what happened after that because I blacked out and my heart stopped for 4 minutes. I am positive Mahershala has exactly that same effect.

Michael B. Jordan brought his mom as his date which is so mother fracking precious and sweet.

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I want to clarify for the press that I was unable to attend as his date as my ticket to the show apparently got lost in the mail and also the judge said I have to actually abide by the restraining order this time. Legal hurdles getting in the way of love, ya know.

Update: The findings of my research study are in and they state I am in fact attracted to Adam Driver.

It's been a really confusing academic exercise, but here we are. Full disclosure, the fact that he's 6'2" really skewed the study in his favor I'M SORRY TALL GLASSES OF WATER ARE MY FAVORITE GLASSES. I also thought he was pretty great in "BlacKkKlansman." And I know there is definitely something weird about him, but weird in a way where he would give me a "bracelet" made of air as a show of his love, because like air, his love is all around and goes on forever. A TRUE ROMANTIC.

When you gotta shoot your shot

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Helen Mirren reminded us she is still that bitch while presenting with Jason Momoa. Because you can't miss an opportunity to flirt with Captain Whale or Dolphin or whatever superhero he is.

The Oscars finally did the right thing

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After 5 nominations over THIRTY YEARS, Spike Lee finally won an Oscar for Adapted Screenplay and jumped onto Samuel L. Jackson, rightfully so. Spike yelled "Don't turn the mother fucking clock on!" and honestly, they didn't. Such a long time coming.

A collection of people who decided to stop aging
I need to know what each of their skincare regimens is STAT.

I think I am the first to say this

But Irina Shayk, who is married to Bradley Cooper, is ridiculously gorgeous? Which is a novel concept for a supermodel, I know. I guess I've never really seen her before but like, her face, it's a good one. Here she is serving face while Bradley smiles goofily (next to his mom). I'm not being sarcastic when I say I admire anyone who takes advantage of their best angles at all times.

UMMM WTF IS THIS

My lil' mini prince Rami Malek won Lead Actor and made a huge spectacle of making out with Lucy Boynton (his "Bohemian Rhapsody" costar). It's like wow, I guess that's one way to break up with me. It's almost as if our relationship declared only by me meant nothing to him.

In other news, those Everlasting Gobstopper candies really do last forever! He kept this particular one in his mouth all awards show season.

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"This is never gonna happen again"
Olivia Colman came through with the upset, winning Lead Actress over Glenn Close and she was legitimately surprised. Everyone around her burst into tears with genuine happiness and immediately tried to eat her face.

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She got up and Adele-to-Beyonce-at-the-Grammys'd the award, saying Glenn Close has been her idol for years and this isn't how she imagined it playing out. And she cried then accused her husband of starting to cry then thanked everyone in the room from presenters Francis McDormand and Sam Rockwell to Gaga and it was all so heart warming. I mean not literally, but I imagine if there was a human heart where I currently have an empty carton of McDonald's fries, it would've felt warmed.

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I haven't felt this happy for someone since, well, two weeks ago when Cardi won her first Grammy. And when you think about it, Olivia and Cardi have a lot in common: 1) Both talented 2) Both just won major awards 3) Both have bitches. So. Here's the entirety of Olivia's speech which was hands down the best speech of the evening and proof that not every celebrity is Gwyneth Paltrow-terrible.

Gaga has evolved to her final Pokemon form

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Little known fact: The Boyz II Men song "End of the Road" is about us finally reaching the end of this awards show season with Gaga. We all knew there was a negative 40% chance she would win the Lead Actress Oscar, but it was pretty certain she'd win Original Song. Which, I want to point out that she should've won her first Oscar in 2016 for "Til It Happens to You," but lost to that mediocre James Bond song by Sam Smith.

Anyway, happy for her and I hope this means she gets to be president of the drama club now. The campaign has been really exhausting.

She and Bradley performed "Shallow" and near the end, Bradley dramatically went to sit with Gaga at the piano. They proceeded to see how close they could get their faces without Irina jumping onstage to be like "YA BETTA NOT."

I joke a lot, but Gaga looked amazing and the "HAAAA AAHHHA HAAA AHHH" part of that song is so good.

And now that she has given this whole small-town-bumpkin-I've-never-won-an-award-before personality a run, I'm assuming she's retiring it. I can only hope she returns to us wearing outfits made of real dinosaur or heels made of human teeth. BRING BACK REAL GAGA.

YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO
It was pretty easy, Academy: Just do not award Best Picture to "Green Book" or "Bohemian Rhapsody." THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO DO. So of course they awarded it to "Green Book" and I have never been so close to throwing my TV out the window. If you need more context for why this is so unbelievably wrong, aside from this photo of 400 white dudes accepting an award for a movie about racism, you can read about it here.

I kept waiting for Jordan Horowitz to come onstage and announce the real winner:

But he didn't and the takeaway here is that Best Picture doesn't count this year and we're all gonna keep moving forward celebrating "Moonlight" as our Best Picture. I'm glad we're in agreement.

MY KWEEN

Chrissy (and Mr. Chrissy) showed up for the Vanity Fair after party because our girl is just tryna eat and drink. She spent her Oscars day making chicken lettuce wraps and having John mix the ingredients to avoid getting raw meat under her nails. We stan a non-salmonella queen! I'm realizing now that most of you probably don't care that she spent the day making lettuce wraps.

For posterity's sake, this is how her evening went:

And that's it! The show actually didn't run too long because ABC's thirsty ass REALLY had to move onto that Scott Foley show. And so weird how there was no Best Picture winner this year, but oh well.

See you all tomorrow for The Bachelor! Til then, find me catfishing dudes on dating apps with pics of Gemma Chan and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).