Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 3

It's Week 3! And everyone is finally realizing that this season was a very bad idea because having two Bachelorettes means all the power is held by the men as they try to "decide" which woman is better for them as if all of them are on their own individual seasons of The Bachelor. I hate it here. 

Here's Rachel showing what I look like every week while watching:

Except, I'm def not smiling. I somehow feel that shielding everything but one eye from viewing this monstrosity of a show helps. With that visual in mind, let's jump in!

Wait, why is Hunter back

Zach, who is the 6 ft version of short king Hunter from Katie's waste of a season, gets Rachel's one-on-one date this week. As a reminder, Rachel has sent home 100% of the men she's gone on solo dates with (sorry, drag racing guy from last week whose name I don't remember), so some of the guys are worried, including Kirk, who owns the world's largest pair of brows.

He doesn't always surf the internet, but when he does, he brows.

Academically minded Kirk has the week's biggest scientific breakthrough as he says that Rachel is using the dates to ... help her decide if she can see a future with the guy or if she needs to send him home. Great job, Kirk! You've discovered the point of the show, can't get anything past those brows.

For their date, Rachel and Zach are joined by Karamo, who gives them the "red carpet treatment" before they attend a movie premiere later.

I GUESS "RED CARPET TREATMENT" MEANS IGNORING THAT COSTCO SIZED BOWL OF XXXL SHRIMP AND CRAB CLAWS?????? I can definitively say that these shrimp are the biggest turn on of the entire episode.

We soon learn that the "movie premiere" they're attending is actually just a PowerPoint presentation featuring photos and videos of both of them growing up.

But while walking in, they get to experience people who have been paid to take photos of them like they're actually A-list celebs, which I'm not even knocking, I would love to do the same.

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But look, we need an investigative report into who is in charge of dressing Rachel because whoever it is, clearly has a grudge against her. This dress looks like a bedazzled bottle of mustard topped with dried up cotton candy. I'm also dying at the woman standing near the street, not even bothering to take photos, but more confused about why photos are being taken of these randos.

To summarize, Zach and Rachel find out they both used to spend time with their dads at the airport watching planes take off (which ok, is cute). And this is enough to solidify their connection as Rachel gives Zach a rose and Zach admits he's ALREADY falling for Rachel.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch

While Rachel is on her date, Gabby figures she'll drop by the mansion to hang out with the guys and she assumes they'll welcome the visit since, you know, she's the Bachelorette and that's the name of this show. However, she soon has to witness a phenomenon that occurs 100% of the time more than 3 men get together — the bro'ing out effect.

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She thinks at least some of them will take the opportunity to chat with her, the Bachelorette, but nope, they're all in full Chad mode. This obviously upsets Gabby, which, we'll dive into soon, but first...

Gabby's one-on-one with Erich

Skarsgård brother Erich gets this week's solo date with Gabby and they're joined by Gabby's grandpa (who I guess was a memorable guest star last season).

They kick things off by participating in an "intention setting ceremony" inside a yurt, which is exactly as caucasian as you're imagining.

This looks like the sale area in the back of a West Elm. 

Later, they have dinner outside AND I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THAT CHANDELIER IS HANGING FROM????

Like, all that is around them is trees and such, did they really hang a chandelier off a tree??? I don't know why I question anything this show does??

Gabby takes the opportunity to open up and be super vulnerable with Erich, telling him about how she's estranged from her mom and how she "may never know what it's like to have a mother's love" and y'all, WE ALL NEED TO GATHER AROUND AND HUG HER, OKAY. With emotions so high, Gabby walks away for a bit to talk to a producer, at one point asking:

She questions if she's the "right person" to be the Bachelorette, which I think we can all agree Gabby is actually far too good to be the Bachelorette.

She eventually returns to Erich and explains how hard this has been and they kiss. When Gabby asks if Erich will accept the date rose, he responds with "Yeah," which oh by the way, is the only response slash comfort he's offered her throughout this entire emotional conversation. 

I've seen more emotional response and understanding from a Magic 8 Ball. I don't know where else to insert this joke, but Erich is a little bich and I hope he's sent home soon.

"There's going to be a massive group date"

The remaining clowns get to take part in this week's group date, making it a NINETEEN ON TWO date. And next on the mandatory date checklist is making the Bachelorettes pose for photos in wedding dresses.

This remains one of the wackest (and most insane) dates the show pushes. Everyone knows you don't show up in a wedding dress until AT LEAST the fourth date, duh.

The alleged point of the date is for Gabby and Rachel to see who they can "picture" themselves with, which can only be discovered by having the men wear a variety of costumes before posing for photos:

Jacob is given some sort of leaf to wear (and tbh that giant black box covering him is generous), which actually makes sense because he is the biggest chestnut face (aka, great body + hideous face, like he's got a great chest not face). 

The photo session produces shots like this:

So yes, it's as incredibly stupid as you were thinking. Also, I could've gone my entire life without seeing Meatball dressed as a giant hairy baby.

A couple guys who the producers don't hate get to fake propose because you know, this show respects how serious it means to get engaged and married. And while this date has been so cringe, one perfect moment emerges with Nate:

HE TELLS GABBY THAT "FOREVER CAN NEVER BE LONG ENOUGH" WITH HER AND PHEW, IF THAT DOESN'T TAP INTO MY DEEPEST TWILIGHT TENDENCIES. Would honestly prefer to watch an entire season about Nate and Gabby's love story as opposed to whatever it is that we're actually witnessing.

The happiness is short lived though because...

Wait, you mean having two Bachelorettes was a bad idea?

I don't know who thought it was empowering for Gabby and Rachel to share a group of men when it was bound to make one or both of them feel bad at some point as these dildos think this season is all about who THEY choose. This is made apparent during the evening portion of the group date when SEVERAL men tell Gabby she's not the one for them, including these two brunette bozos:

Tiny Tyler on the left is actually the nicest about it, telling Gabby that he "gravitates" toward Rachel, which is good because the man can't be heavier than a pea, so some level of gravity to keep him on the ground is necessary. K-Mart Ryan Atwood on the right (Hayden) is ruder, telling Gabby that his "morals" align better with Rachel because Gabby is "rough around the edges," which seriously wtf. So Gabby has had a harder life and knows how to speak her mind? FLING THIS MAN INTO SPACE. 

And the most vile garbage of all:

Chestnut Face tells Gabby that even if she was the only Bachelorette, he would leave, BUT he thinks she's hot (oh great, thanks). I can't stand this show for many reasons, but mostly for giving these men who are 3s AT BEST a platform to reject a 10.

Because of the men's bullshittery, Gabby decides not to give a rose out, which not only surprises the trash ass men, but Rachel as well.

Oh btw, Rachel, who's been having a great night, gives her rose to Aven.

After the date, Gabby fills Rachel in on what happened, before maturely coming to the conclusion that she's "not here to teach dudes how to act." Rachel asks if she wants to address it with the whole group or if she wants her to and Gabby says no. And look, I'm not here to tell Rachel how to be a good friend, but if a stank ass man was rude to my best friend, I'd be like a bat out of hell, that's all I'm saying.

"It is so messy"

Now that everyone is on the same page and has realized the concept for this season is insanely stupid and unfair to the women, some changes are made to the Rose Ceremony (oh and we're skipping the cocktail party this week).

Rachel and Gabby now have their own separate sets of roses to give out, which makes way more sense than the sisterwives thing they were doing before. Another stipulation — once a guy accepts a rose, he is committed to dating that specific Bachelorette. But, what if a guy declines one of their roses? We soon find out and Rachel stares into the camera Office-style to ensure we're seeing what's happening.

Termayne (the "Crypto guy") is the first to reject Rachel's rose, telling her he's here for Gabby. Professor Jesse Palmer then has to come out to explain that if a guy rejects a rose, the Bachelorette CAN'T GIVE THAT ROSE TO ANYONE ELSE AND ESSENTIALLY FORFEITS IT. BUT THE GUY IS ALLOWED TO WAIT TO SEE IF HE'LL GET A ROSE FROM THE OTHER BACHELORETTE. I CAN'T STAND THIS SHOW.

I said Termayne was the first to reject Rachel because Alec and Meatball follow suit, rounding out our first group of guys to reject roses:

Excuse me while I climb the ladder to slide into Alec's DMs.

Rachel walks off camera for a bit and Gabby follows and she tells her how embarrassing this is. Gabby is like "uhh, yeah, this happened to me during the group date?" and Rachel all but dismisses her saying "BUT THIS IS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE." And tbh, the only part that's actually embarrassing is being rejected by the man who poured meat sauce on himself and was dressed as a giant baby earlier.  

Because Gabby is a real one, she doesn't give any of these guys roses (and I mean, she probably doesn't see a future with them, sure), so they're all sent home along with Chestnut Face.

And that's it! Or well, in the credits scene, we see Meatball come back to talk to Rachel because I mean, he didn't know Gabby wasn't going to give him a rose! So now he's ready to accept hers! And because this show is toxic, she is def going to let him stay, but guess we'll have to wait until next week to see!

Til then, find me creeping outside your window and also on Twitter and Instagram.

Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 2

In a series of events most surprising to me, I made it to Week 2! And I want to kick off this week's commentary by correcting one of my lookalike assessments from Week 1:

It finally hit me that Hayden actually gives strong Ryan Atwood vibes circa season 3 of The O.C.?? They have the same hair swoop! I know you're just as relieved as I am about this realization.

Since there was no Rose Ceremony last week, there's still 800 guys here, so let's jump in!

Honestly, the smartest way to evaluate the men

It's been 24 hours and we haven't seen the men shirtless. To rectify this, Rachel and Gabby plan a pool party for the whole group, but this gets canceled because of bad weather. Don't worry though, the shirtless mandate still stands and they host a "swimsuit pageant" indoors instead. That leads to some unnecessarily memorable moments such as this one with Quincey:

And also this one with "meatball enthusiast" James:

Watching this man pour jarred meat sauce on his body was probably one of the most foul things I've seen in a while. Can't you just smell this screenshot.

After seeing the guys dance around in speedos, a group of them are invited to hang out that evening with Rachel and Gabby. I don't know if this is a prediction of what's to come, but several of the guys basically give Rachel a friendship bracelet, aka hint that they're not romantically interested in her at all. One guy uses his time to tell her that he loves Harry Potter, especially listening to the Audible versions of the books and if that ain't the rallying cry for the friend zone, I don't know what is.

Rachel starts to feel exhausted, bogged down by all these friendship bracelets, until one guy steps up (but little does she know it's for both her and Gabby)....

"There has to come a time when they like the same person, right"

Logan's chapstick gets some major usage as he makes out with both women during the date. 

Why either woman likes him is beyond me. During his time with Gabby, she tells him he "exudes" confidence and he tells her "I love that word" and wow the way I could hear former Bachelor and boiled chicken looking man Arie's voice come screaming back into my brain. WHO "LOVES" THE WORD EXUDE???  

And I know I said Logan looks like a guy who just realized he's a ghost and is trying to blend in, but I'd like to revise that assessment. He looks like an amalgamation of every douchebag character from every teen drama ever created. Can't you just see him and that beard-he's-trying-to-use-to-create-a-jawline being rude to Joey Potter or Brooke Davis?

Anyway, during their chat before handing out group date roses, Rachel tells Gabby she's really into Logan and they kissed, to which Gabby's reaction is:

This is when we learn Gabby is a good ass friend because even though she's interested in Logan too (again, why tho), she doesn't say anything about her time with him. 

Logan ends up getting Rachel's group date rose while David Guetta gets Gabby's.

And now let's get to some solo dates so I can actually remember someone's name.

Rachel's first one-on-one with Jordan V.

During the first episode, drag racer Jordan told Rachel he was only here for her, so it makes sense for her to choose a guy who is clearly interested in her (more on this later). 

For the first part of the date, they float around in a zero gravity plane (this is actually pretty cool):

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Later, they have dinner in the Beast's house:

Complete with a rose and everything, but also don't get me started about how Beauty & The Beast is one of the worst Disney movies. 

They have a great conversation and seem to have a lot in common, especially since everyone here is deeply passionate about something — Rachel with flying planes, Jordan with drag racing and me with trying to escape this show. Things seem to be leading to Rachel easily giving Jordan a rose, but before she can decide, she needs to consult with Lumière:

When she returns, she tells Jordan that he's perfect for her and exactly the type of guy she asked for coming into this, which is exactly why she's sending him home. Of course, that makes sense. And the worst part is, Jordan doesn't even get to stick around to see a performance from country singers who are here because they support the show not because they are contractually obligated to because of some binding Disney/ABC agreement!

I'm sure that similar to Hilary Duff, they are just huge fans of the show.

Umm, and I guess based on this and also history, Rachel is actually only interested in guys who are not interested in her (see exhibit A: Clayton). Speaking of terrible guys....

Ah, so this is actually our villain

I guess I was wrong about that one Skarsgård looking man being the villain because this week we learn Chris is actually the worst person in the house. During some light conversation with a few of the guys, Chris takes the conversation on a detour into shitty guy town, a detour we knew was coming the moment he referred to Rachel and Gabby as "females." 

Chris, who has maybe gotten a grand total of 5 seconds with Rachel and Gabby, says he knows he'll be in the top four but it'll be a dealbreaker for him if "whoever" he's interested in has sex with other guys during Fantasy Suites. Which, thinking he'll make it to Fantasy Suites is a fantasy in itself. And this is obviously problematic for a whole list of reasons, but to summarize, this man's got to go. And not just go home like from the show, I mean, he's got to go to space so he can leave all of the women on planet Earth alone.

As is the case with any villain, we'll get more of Chris later. But let's get to some good news....

Gabby's first one-on-one with Nate

Cutie pie Nate gets the first solo date with Gabby and when he arrives at the Bachelorette(s) house to meet her, Rachel is also just hanging out in their space, which like, why not let Gabby have her own time in the spotlight since this is her date???? 

But okay, I guess I can give her the benefit of the doubt since she technically lives in the house too.

Jk, I have rescinded that benefit because we then get this sad clip of her staring at Gabby and Nate leaving on their date (which is a helicopter ride, standard first date stuff):

Based on this (sort of depressing) scene and the earlier scenes of Rachel getting friend zoned by several guys, my wild prediction is this is planting a seed for her to leave the season early. Maybe she decides this "journey" hasn't been the best for her? Now THAT would actually be the most dramatic season yet, okay Jesse Palmer.

Back to Gabby because remember this is her date. Gabby and Nate fly around LA in a helicopter until it brings them to this special "surprise":

90% of the time any Bachelor/Bachelorette says they have a "surprise" on the date, it is ALWAYS a hot tub. And this one was insanely placed in like a parking lot, no lie.

Later they have dinner inside Union Station and Nate tells Gabby he's a girl dad with a 6-year-old daughter who made his heart burst open the first time he met her (Y'ALL, THIS MAN IS PERFECT). Gabby tells him about the strong relationship she had with her dad in the absence of her mom and okay listen, Nate is for sure in Gabby's top 3 at least. 

He of course gets a rose and if Gabby doesn't marry him, I will.

With all of the dates out of the way, it's time to finally get to our first Rose Ceremony. But first...

Is there some sort of weird bet going on

About who can wear the most cropped pants?? Guy on the right (who knows what his name is) is FOR SURE wearing capris, there's no way he stands up and those pants are even close to his feet. And not to bring you on this scentual journey with me, but I bet every room in that house smells after all these dudes wearing shoes with no socks take their shoes off.

Oh good, a dramatic Rose Ceremony

Right, so ahead of the Rose Ceremony, it's time for Chris to rise to his full villain status.

A few of the guys who heard Chris' disgusting Fantasy Suites spiel approach Rachel to tell her about it and her response is exactly correct:

You can tell she is disgusted, but also wondering "Who is Chris??"

Rachel immediately finds Gabby to tell her and her response is equally as correct:

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But with bonus points because Gabby says "I haven't even had one conversation with Chris, so why is he thinking about Fantasy Suites," you have to cackle.

Now that our game of telephone has gone from the guys to Rachel to Gabby, it only makes sense for it to  circle back to the source — Chris. 

Pretty sure Chris thinks this is good that he's getting time with both women, but before he can finish saying "nice to meet you," Gabby gets right to the point, asking if he thinks it's appropriate to be talking about Fantasy Suites when they literally just learned his name. Chris, being the shitty guy he is, defends what he said WHILE ALSO calling them females, which wow, never doubt the multi-tasking abilities of a terrible guy.

Ultimately, they ask him to leave, which he does......for 20 seconds.

He walks back in and gathers the guys who told Rachel and Gabby about what he said because he can't believe that after revealing to them that he is the worst, they would go on to tell the two women they're all trying to marry that he is in fact the worst. He barely has one leg on his high horse before Rachel and Gabby discover he's back:

They ask him to leave AGAIN and this time, he actually does. And that concludes Chris' rise and fall as a villain. Since this all happened in the span of one episode, I'm assuming the producers will find someone else to fill the void, maybe get back to the Skarsgård option.

Oh yeah, there's also a Rose Ceremony, guess we can't forget about that.

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It's our first one and we learn that Rachel and Gabby are giving roses to the guys "they both" want to continue to get to know, which um okay sure, but eventually they're getting their own roses right. Otherwise this is a little sisterwives'ish (Or brotherhusbands? What should we call this TLC show). 

Six guys are sent home and as predicted last week, that includes #1 hot guy and shipping executive Matt:

Don't worry though, I'm here if he needs any help with his packages (THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY JOKE LIKE THIS, JUST LET ME HAVE IT).

And that's it! We're down to 21 men. See you next week as we maybe start to learn some of their names. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter and Instagram.

Let's chat about the Bachelorette(s) - Week 1

We're back at it again with a new Bachelorette(s) season! And Jesse Palmer claims this is "the most shocking" season yet, which is already true because we are all in fact shocked this show has gone on for 85 years.

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Before we jump in, I first want to applaud those of you who suffered through the last Bachelor season featuring this package of old lunch meat.

All I'm saying is his skin tone is the same color as that juice around raw chicken and I bet he smells like boiled hot dogs.

I didn't watch most of his season because if I wanted to be bored by a bland, flavorless man for 2 hours a week, I'd just go on more dates. But while I only watched the last few episodes, I know that when Rachel says what her and Gabby went through with Clayton was "torture," she means that having to talk to this naked molerat of a man for weeks on end was exhausting.

But now it's Gabby and Rachel's turn! To meet a bunch of men who all bought the same navy suit from Men's Wearhouse to wear with loafers and no socks. Here we goooooooo!

But first, I'm just going to say it

Based on the few episodes I watched last season, it was clear Gabby was a star. I don't actually understand why she isn't the lone Bachelorette because she could more than carry a season on her own:

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I get it, her and Rachel were both screwed over by the same Monsters Inc. looking man, but I mean, how is the reward for their suffering getting to again compete with each other for a bunch of men?? Why am I trying to rationalize this show??

Anyway, we kick off the season by meeting Gabby in Colorado just 24 hours before she's set to leave for the show. Girl hasn't even packed yet and she's out here hiking with a full blowout! Iconic behavior!!

Even if you don't regularly watch the Bachelor franchise, I can guarantee you'll find this season entertaining if not just for Gabby's sense of humor. I mean, this is the face she makes while saying "I get to date multiple guys":

Relatable. We love to see it.

The point of this section is to warn you that while I'll try to provide commentary on both hers and Rachel's "journeys" (dear God I hate myself), there's no promises, so I'm sorry if you're a hardcore Rachel fan (I also feel sorry if anyone is actually a "hardcore" fan of any of these people).

Let's talk about some of the men!

Yeah so, this is weird

Logan shows up with two chicks in his hands, telling Rachel and Gabby that he "wanted to practice hanging out with 2 chicks." Phew, is there anything hotter than seeing a man licking his lips while approaching you with two baby chickens pooping in his hands?

Gabby actually yells "I thought those were rats," which I mean, he looks like a guy who would hold rats too. 

Logan is one of the few guys who gets to chat with both Gabby and Rachel, who both seem to enjoy their conversations with him. I'm sure we'll get to know his personality more, but for now all I can say is he looks like a man who just found out he's a ghost, so he's trying to make himself appear to be a regular living human being.

That may seem like a very specific assessment, but it just seemed like he was seconds away from asking one of them "Ah yes, so what is one of your favorite alive human being things, I mean, things, to do?" 

I think this man is on the wrong show

Jason shows up looking like a slob kabob with his top button unbuttoned and proceeds to tell Gabby and Rachel that he has something in common with Clayton. He's also in love with 3 women — his mom, his sister and his dog. IN LOVE WITH???? IN LOVE WITH??? HE USED THE WORD "IN" LOVE WITH, NOT JUST LOVE. Anyway, I think the show he's actually looking for airs on TLC or Lifetime. 

After this, we get a montage of guys making entrances that are somehow connected to bashing Clayton or making references to him because if there's anything these two women want on THEIR season is focusing on their shared shitty piece of ham ex-boyfriend. Men really are stupid y'all, so many have only evolved one step past Wile E. Coyote.

Send this man to jail

Justin B. shows up with no shoes because he wants Gabby and Rachel to know he's "grounded," which is still not a good enough reason to not wear shoes. Actually, there is no reason ever for a man to have his bare feet out. Scientists have concluded that 100% of men have feet that look like the gnarly roots of an old tree and the public just shouldn't be exposed to such heinous things.

What is Grocery Store Joe doing here

Wow, not a top lip in sight. 

You know those sites where you upload pictures of yourself and Michael B. Jordan to see what your children would look like? Yeah so Hayden is the product of that if we uploaded pictures of Grocery Store Joe and Joe Alwyn. And that was just about the most memorable thing about him and his Fourth of July looking Brooks Brothers tie.

His bio says he likes baked potatoes, so I already don't trust him. Of all the potato options to choose from, who CHOOSES the baked potato over fries or tater tots or mashed potatoes???? 

Another man in a navy suit

Tino pulls up in a forklift so he can deliver this super amazing line that I'm sure he practiced for days ahead of this. It seems like he's mostly here for Rachel and during his time with her, he brings her to a set of stairs because he wants to make stairs a "better memory" for her since she's remembered for crying on the stairs during Clayton's stupid season. They end up kissing (meaning he's Rachel's first kiss of the season) and he ends up getting her First Impression Rose.

As a reminder, I leave my screenshots to fate and refuse to subject myself to this show any further than is necessary so I didn't get another shot of Tino. I think I like him though, partially because he looks a little like Paul Mescal (Y'ALL REMEMBER CONNELL'S CHAIN) and mostly because his bio says he READS. That's right. He reads, which is pretty rare for this franchise. Glad the producers are mixing it up and going with some guys who know the difference between your and you're.

Now that we know the recipient of Rachel's first kiss and First Impression Rose, who got Gabby's?

A man who is not in a navy suit!!

Gabby has a nice conversation with Mario, who actually asks her questions about her life (the bar, it is so low). Similar to Rachel, Gabby gives her First Impression Rose to her first kiss of the season, which is Mario. Based on historical precedent, I think it's safe to assume Tino and Mario will be around for a while.

But, let's get to some people who will not be around....

When the Uber accidentally brings you to the Bachelorette instead of the arcade

One minute they're playing Call of Duty and the next they're on The Bachelorette(s). Life came at Joey and Justin fast. 

They're here to prove they do things separately, which is why they're here together and why they decide to talk to Rachel and Gabby, together. However, all of their travel and passport paperwork is processed quickly as they both enter Rachel and Gabby's friend zone just 30 seconds after chatting with them. This is the exact moment Gabby realizes she wants to be anywhere but here talking with them:

By the end of the episode, the twins are 2 of the 3 men sent home immediately because neither woman can see a romantic connection forming. And to be fair, I think Justin and Joey are happy that Rachel and Gabby can focus on finding love and they can get back to doing what they actually love doing — clubbing. Seriously. They both have "clubbing" listed as an interest on their bios. There's really nothing thats screams "ready to settle down and get married" more than a man whose hobby is clubbing with his twin brother. 

Right and since I mentioned they're 2 of the 3 guys sent home, you're probably wondering who the third is.....

Okay, but he was weirdly cute

Roby is the third guy dumped after the first night and I can't understand why!! He shows up and just spends his time with both women doing magic tricks!! What's not to love!

But seriously, I found him so awkward and adorable and can't you just tell that if he got a haircut he'd look a little like Chace Crawford (xoxo, Gossip Girl). Also the fact that he's a magician makes it very easy for me to make inappropriate jokes, but I won't. I'll just say I can make some of his things disappear (I'M TALKING ABOUT MAGIC TRICKS YOU GUYS, GROSS, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER).

I'm waiting to release all of my bad inapprop jokes in 3.....2......1.....

I've got some shipments that need to be managed

We don't know yet if Matt is more interested in Rachel or Gabby, but what we do know is he is the hottest man in the house. I'm going to spare you the list of inappropriate jokes I've thought up involving his job as a shipping executive, but as you can imagine, it involves using the words "box" and "package" and so on, you get it.

Unfortunately, as is the curse that befalls every #1 hot person on this show, he'll likely be sent home within the first few weeks. 

When, the guy we'll want to see sent home (but who won't be for a while) is the season's villain. Which, we got no clear indication of who that will be in the first episode, but we did see....

Who seems to be getting the villain edit

The fact that the show gave us this prolonged villain camera angle makes me think Erich will rise to the occasion of being the house douchebag. Also, you can't tell here, but the man has a mullet and can you really trust a man with a mullet? The answer is no.

He's another one of the few men who talks with both Rachel and Gabby and actually makes out with Gabby. He feels pretty confident he'll get one of the First Impression Roses, so after Rachel doesn't give him hers, he seems okay with it since he thinks he'll get Gabby's, which gave me the ick (a phrase I know from Love Island, which I'm also watching, please join me). After he doesn't get either (because he has a mullet and that is a disqualifying factor), he is genuinely shocked because Erich thinks Erich should've gotten at least one of the roses. 

As a note, I'm also basing this villain assessment on the fact that he kind of looks like one of the Skarsgård men and those men are always villains, but only time will tell.

And that's it! Rachel and Gabby decide to skip the first Rose Ceremony because, aside from the 3 delegates from the Friend Zone, they need more time to get to know the guys before making any decisions. Which, thank you for asking, this is who I want to get to know more:

See you next week, Aven, Alec and Nate! 

And also hopefully see all of you! I'm begging, please don't make me endure this tragedy of a show alone. Til then, find me creeping on Twitter and Instagram.