Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

This week's episode is brought to you by the name of this plane that the producers felt the need to zoom in on:

Just a subtle reminder that even the planes in the Bahamas thought Tia would be the Bachelorette.

Speaking of, we're in the Bahamas! Which I know, totally not as scenic as Richmond, Virginia. Becca begins the episode with the usual Bachelorette stare-off-into-the-distance scene while saying she's looking forward to no drama (lol do you know what this show is).

Bahamas week features 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date with the leftover chumps. In a series of events that surprises no one, Colton gets the first one-on-one. It's painfully obvious, if not just for her constantly gushing about how hot his bod is, that Becca is obsessed with Colton. Weirdly enough, the guys have a different viewpoint as they're all shocked he's chosen first. They proceed to Gossip Girl with each other, wondering if Colton will "bring up his secret."

Lemme see dat conch
Becca, who might have the biggest lady boner in the world for Colton, decides to bring him on a date that will obviously require him being shirtless (no complaints here). They go on a boat and mostly pretend to be Jack and Rose.

I will never understand the producers making couples do this tired ass shit. I've been on a boat several times and never have I wanted a dude, no matter how hot he is, to stand behind me while we pretend to be birds. You know what girls want instead of pretending to be a bird on a boat? Fried bird on a boat. Chicken wings, that's what we want, I polled every woman.

Between breaks of Titanic'ing, they chat and at one point Colton is about to reveal his "secret" when this dude pulls up in a boat asking if they want to dive for conch. After 10 minutes of exchanging conch jokes that were seemingly written by a bunch of teenage boys, they finally dive in. And at first they're holding hands WHILE ATTEMPTING TO SNORKEL, which is not romantic and just impractical. Because they're such expert divers, they come across this grouping of conch that were totally there naturally and not placed by the show at all.

They grab a couple of these prop conch and return to the boat where the guy from earlier preps pieces for them to eat. He proceeds to pull a part of the conch out that looks like a long booger but is apparently an aphrodisiac. Colton and Becca both eat the booger and then make out against the railing of the boat so anyway, I guess sea boogers really are aphrodisiacs.

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At dinner, Colton tells Becca that he hasn't had many girlfriends or dated a lot "because of sports." Gosh, haven't you all heard that before, that professional athletes just really have a hard time getting attention. He finally drops his secret that he's a virgin who can't drive (ok I added that last bit). Becca's eyes nearly pop out of her head as she screams REALLY?! before thanking him for sharing. Then, because she's extra as hell, she excuses herself to have a dramatic moment to herself.

I think I speak for everyone in declaring how disappointing it was that Colton's "secret" wasn't that he knows the 11 herbs and spices used in KFC's fried chicken.

During Becca's period of Mulan reflection, Colton appears more nervous than me in white pants at a barbecue. Here he is contemplating if he should stress eat those plates of lobster and juicy ass lamb:

Becca returns and says she doesn't judge him or think less of him and he says that he's not waiting for marriage or anything, just the right heart (DAWWWW). Blah blah, Becca gives him a rose because there's no way in hell she's sending that hot bod home.

Reminder: Garrett is garbage
While the guys are discussing Colton telling Becca he's a virgin, Garrett, being the evolved academic he is, says that if his girlfriend told him she was a virgin, he wouldn't marry her. AW SO SWEET! Becca chooses this Prince Charming for the second one-on-one.

For their date, Becca brings Garrett to the beach to frolic around like they're in a sexy music video. They proceed to makeout along the shore and all I could think about is how much sand both of them have in their swimsuits. Matching sandy asses, so romantic!

Later at dinner, Becca makes a toast that is word-for-word "Cheers to a good day" and Garrett compliments her ability to make amazing toasts. This is stupid because unless she shot LITERAL pieces of toast out of her hands, this in no way demonstrates amazing toast making abilities. They dive more into their feelings and Garrett says that he's an honest person and that if something was off, Becca would definitely be able to tell. Which is clearly not the case because she hasn't been able to tell that under his slimy, racist, ignorant, sexist facade is a slimy, racist, ignorant, sexist.

He tells her he's "beginning" to fall in love with her, which wtf does that even mean. Can't you be "beginning" to fall in love with almost anything? I just bought this bunch of bananas. I like bananas. Like is at one end of the spectrum of love, am I beginning to fall in love with bananas?

In the end, Becca gives him a rose and they conclude their date with a night swim scene straight out of the last Twilight movie.

I MEAN, WHICH IS WHICH? Honestly, had they just edited in that scene from Twilight, no one would've cared. Also, I'm sorry for bringing Twilight up.

In which we get to see Emo Blake dance
First, a collection of photos of Blake looking stressed after not being chosen for the first two dates:

Becca finally chooses this little ball of stress for the last one-on-one. Blake, who is more dramatic than a men's soccer player flopping around, says he was "barely holding on and the date card brought me back to life," which coincidentally enough is also the title of his debut song.

Speaking of, here are the concrete facts I know about Blake so far:
-He's tall and sweet
-He's just one pair of Vans away from starting his own emo band
-He cannot comprehend the premise of this show and cannot understand how Becca can date other dudes
-He has definitely said "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" to an ex before
-He thinks Yellowcard is an underrated band

For the first part of their date, Becca brings Blake to a surprise performance by the Baha Men who I did not know were still a thing. And look, I love surprises, but the number of times I have wanted to be surprised with Baha Men is approximately negative 10.

Thanks to our time machine that has apparently brought us back to a concert in 2000, we get to see Blake's 8-foot limbs bend in various 90-degree angles as he "dances."

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Later, Becca says that she sympathizes with Arie in regards to developing feelings for multiple people at once and dear God will this nagging Arie rash never leave us. Blake remains emo as he realizes that Becca has feelings for other guys BECAUSE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT THAT THIS IS THE BACHELORETTE.

At dinner, Blake admits he has trouble "opening up" which is pretty ridiculous since he's more open than a 24-hour diner. We learn that part of his emo nature stems from the fact that his parents got divorced when he was a teenager, after it came to light that his mom was cheating on his dad with his TEACHER AND BASKETBALL COACH. WTF. But he says he's trying to be as open as possible with Becca because he knows that not communicating can be detrimental to a relationship. And Blake may be emotional and dramatic as hell, but this boy used a four-syllable word on a show that features men who probably can't be trusted around hot stoves, and for that, I love him.

Blake ends the date by being like "I'm in love with you" and Becca's like "Coo" and gives him a rose.

Becca continues to be predictable
The second-string group date consists of Wills, Leo and Jason.

After the guys dramatic astronaut walk-in, they all "play" volleyball before getting to the real game of winning Becca's heart (OOOOOO, good one). Ahead of his alone time with Becca, Leo says that while the other guys can offer her a house and an easy life, he can only offer her love, which is undoubtedly a line from a Nicholas Sparks movie. They begin their chat by making out as he cradles her head like a melon.

Leo tells her that he knows they haven't had as much time together because he's been deep conditioning his hair, but he likes her and thinks their relationship can go somewhere. Becca steps in to shred the directions to "somewhere," giving Leo her trademark breakup line: "I don't think we're there."

And then, in what seems like a matter of 15 seconds, her and the other two dudes run onto this boat and leave Leo behind as if this is some weird version of tag where if Leo tags one of them, he gets to stay.

So at dinner, it's down to two. Jason tells Becca that he feels so freakin strongly about her and doesn't freakin want this to freakin end. But that's it. He doesn't say he's falling in love with her, just that he doesn't want his time on TV, I mean, their relationship, to end.

Wills, who is the most fly guy on the show because his wardrobe includes items other than lame ass navy suits and Henley shirts, tells Becca that she made him believe in love again and he's falling in love with her.

They all return to this tiny patio table and Becca proceeds to dramatically draw out her decision, while we're all distracted by this BIG ASS MOUND OF MASHED POTATOES:

She says that she needs a guy who is on the same page as her, which, if that page is love and a future together, Wills is there and Jason is not. So I mean obviously she chooses Jason. SHE CHOOSES FREAKIN ANDREW KEEGAN. You guys, to summarize: Wills was like "I love you" and Jason was like "I don't know, you're okay I guess" and Becca was like "OMG JASON YES." I hate this show. Also, I realized why seeing Jason makes me crave chocolate cereal:

So Wills leaves and it's pretty sad because it's clear he truly cared for Becca. And even sadder is that I still didn't get a bowl of Count Chocula cereal.

This week taught us that Becca is looking for one thing in a partner: A smokin hot bod (read: Colton). She talks a big game with this whole "please be honest with me" bit, when in reality she just wants dat six-pack.

My guess is her final two will be Colton and Blake and she'll ultimately pick Colton. Blake will then write an entire album about this experience and it'll peak at #25 on the alternative music charts.

If I haven't said it enough, I hate this show. Thank God Tia is returning to our lives in next week's episode. And here's to hoping she finds love with either Venmo John or Lionel Messi Connor on Bachelor in Paradise.

See you all next week as this ship keeps a'sinkin! Find me eating the food in your fridge and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 6)

This week's episode is brought to you by the guys who Becca has had the most intellectually stimulating conversation with thus far:

"I'm starting to feel the feelings of love again"
That's not just what I say when I finally eat Taco Bell again, it's also what Becca confesses upon letting us know this episode takes place in the bustling metropolis of Richmond, Virginia. Apparently the production budget ran out for the week. Also, thank you to the producers for this super helpful visual:

Before the dates even begin, Lincoln and Ben Stiller-lookalike Chris get into a dumbass argument. Chris, who is in some sort of competition with himself to see how many words per minute he can say, mentions that he "wants" either a one-on-one or a two-on-one date. This rubs Lincoln the wrong way as he thinks you should take what you can get. They proceed to do this thing where they're not making eye contact but essentially yelling back and forth "You're dumb" "No you're dumb" "No you're dumb" and all I could think of is, do think these dodos try to put their pants on both legs at once.

This all bubbles up with Chris telling Lincoln he "would destroy him." Which, if we know anything about dudes, it's that ones who say they will "destroy" anything can literally only destroy a toilet after a buffet, so.

Wait, when did Jess Mariano arrive

Jason continues to serve us 90s heart throb vibes by giving us Milo Ventimiglia in Gilmore Girls this week. He's chosen for the first one-on-one and Becca tells him she has a lot of "surprises" in store, none of which involves leaving Richmond, which would be the greatest surprise of all.

One of Becca's "surprise" stops is this local donut shop where they reenact the scene featured in every romantic comedy that involves food - they glaze this giant heart donut and omg you guys, they're both so quirky and get glaze on their faces before Becca, because she's such a kidder, tries to stuff a piece of the donut in Jason's face. Gee golly, love is so funny!

After visiting some other historical sites, they head to the Edgar Allen Poe Museum and its "Unhappy Hour," which appears to be a gathering of people who take themselves very seriously and likely refer to Edgar Allen Poe as "Ed" and think he's still alive. Jason joins in with this lady who's doing some sort of weird goth dancing (is that a thing?) and honestly this entire part of the date was in...POE....form (haha omg you guys are so lucky to have me).

Post-weird dancing, they head to this brewery where Becca surprises Jason with his best friends from home who all look like off-brand versions of various celebrities:

They get to know each other and Jason's friends seem to like Becca, ultimately telling her that if she gets him, she gets all of them also, which is great news for her attendance at future Dawson's Creek and Friends conventions.

During dinner, Jason talks about his grandma having Alzheimer's and how it impacted his dad and made him realize you can't take anything for granted, which Becca agrees with having experienced losing her dad. It's actually one of the deeper conversations I've seen on this melting ice cream cone of a show, and it made me like Jason more.

In the end, they both say they're falling for each other, she gives him a rose and there's a shit ton of kissing.

"It's my time to shine"

Chris thinks the group date will be his time to shine when we all know that the only shining happening is on his forehead.

For this group date, they all head to the capital where the guys participate in something that mimics a political debate.

Things are going alright at first - Colton says his ideal date with Becca would be an afternoon at a dog park, Connor talks about his perfectly coifed hair, Wills says that Becca makes him feel like he's on top of the world.

But things take a turn for The Kookoo Igloo when Lincoln takes a dig at Chris by saying unlike Chris, he's never thought of packing his bags to leave (cue the OOOOHHHH). This provokes Chris' word vomit and the words just start pouring out nonsensically, which is always the best way to prove to someone that you are not crazy and completely in control of your emotions. I didn't pay attention to anything he said because I was distracted by his giant orange handkerchief that reminded me of those endless scarfs clowns pull out of their mouths.

I kept thinking he was going to show us a magic trick, aside from how to make a woman disappear (OOOOOOOHHHH). Becca and Chris Harrison's reactions to Chris' ramblings together actually perfectly encapsulate everyone's reaction:

During the evening portion of the date, Lincoln is still chugging the haterade and tells Becca that he's "scared" of Chris and what he might do. Becca brings this up with Chris, asking him a lot of questions about his behavior, which just gets his mouth gears a'goin. Chris says that everything Lincoln said is fabricated (who taught him that word) and follows this up with the greatest hits album by Toxic Dudes You Shouldn't Date, which includes such classics as "How can you even ask ask me that" and "Whether you want to believe me or not" and also "It hurts me that you would ask that."

As with every interaction with Chris, Becca leaves the conversation feeling like she just ate sashimi at a hot outdoor market in Iowa - unsure of what just went down and pretty unsettled. During her time with racist Garrett, she can't even concentrate on the ugly ass cowboy boots he insists on wearing because she is in such a "bad headspace."

She eventually gathers herself though and spends time with the rest of the guys and ends up giving the group date rose to Tia's ex Colton.

When you remember you're a 100-year-old vampire and wonder how you got here

WHOOOOOO IS THAT GIRL I SEEEEE

Never discount my God-given ability to only capture screenshots of people blinking. Shoutout to ABC for this super emo Joey Potter'esque moment of...reflection (WOW YOU GUYS WOW).

In which we go on an oyster date but barely eat any oysters
Becca, who is "emotionally exhausted" chooses long-haired Leo for the second one-on-one date at an oyster farm. They take a little plane ride over and while Leo preciously holds her hands, Becca looks about as interested in it all as I am in sugar-free candy.

She tells him that she isn't her full self yet after last night's events, and again I have to reiterate, SHE KNEW WHAT THIS SHOW WAS BEFORE SHE SIGNED ON. Like, she was LITERALLY on the show before. She understands that the premise is to meet 500 bogus dudes, 80% of which probably just learned that penicillin isn't made from pencils, in hopes of finding that unicorn of a man who can tell left from right without having to make an L with both hands.

After detailing how "emotionally drained" she is from talking to a bunch of dudes because she is on a show based on talking to a bunch of dudes, she feels better. They then board a boat to head out to gather oysters which seems to mean picking them up off the floor of this river. I thought this part of the date was pretty cute and Leo seems like a genuinely sweet guy.

Cuteness aside, these dodo birds picked maybe 3 oysters total and ate one each. How are you gonna be surrounded by fresh ass FREE oysters and not eat 50 at minimum? I hate this show.

Later, dinner takes place at the foot of some stairs in what appears to be a fancy library or an abandoned hotel.

Leo says that he has always looked up to his dad, but always felt like he failed him and in general just wasn't good enough. Becca responds by telling him he's an amazing person before making out with him and giving him a rose.

And because it's been a while since we've ended a date with a random ass concert with a vageuly country'ish singer, that happens. Becca and Leo dance in front of a room of strangers who Becca claims are "fans" of this singer. As you can tell from this photo, everyone was really captivated by him.

Oh good, more Chris
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Chris realizes he's 400 words short of his daily goal and that just will not stand. He walks over to Becca's hotel and in what may be the most unbelievable act of the entire show, she answers the door still in full makeup, hair and her dress.

I have polled every woman and we all agree that you do the following things when returning to a hotel room: 1) Remove bottoms 2) Remove top 3) Remove makeup 4) Roll around the really cold sheets on the hotel bed 5) Watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians while ordering 3 plates of fries from room service.

I need to note that on his walk over, Chris says that Lincoln is a monster because he eats 12 eggs a day and his cholesterol must be so high. This might be one of the least effective yet medically true insults I've ever heard.

Anyway, in Becca's hotel room, Chris plays more hits from his most recent album, "Desperate Crazy Guy." He tells her that he can see himself proposing and Becca reminds him that just last week, he threatened to go home, to which he says "I need you to not think about that anymore." She goes on to tell him that his dramatic behavior really dragged down this entire time in AMAZING Richmond. He calls that "adversity" and says he won't let it stop him from pursuing Becca and I swear I thought he was going to reveal he had gotten a back tattoo of Becca's face.

Ultimately, Becca tells him that they're not "there" and they'll probably never get there and it's the end of the road for him, which upsets Chris because he's still 25 words short of the world record for most words said in a day.

We are reminded just how fragile the male ego is when Becca asks to walk Chris out and he says "Nah, I'm good" and she's like "I'm going to walk you out" and he's like "I don't need a walkout" and honestly at that point I wish she just would've started singing "NAH NAH NAH NAH, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE."

And with that, we are rid of Sweaty McCrazy Pants!

GOODBYE MY LITTLE STUD MUFFIN

It is confirmed: We cannot trust Becca's judgment. She sends Connor home (along with Lincoln who we do not care about) and if I'm being honest, I'm shocked he stuck around this long. Aside from the first week, I do not remember him interacting with Becca AT ALL. In a way, I respect her for keeping him around for so long, purely as a visual stimulant. And look, just as men shouldn't objectify women, women also shouldn't objectify..HAHA JK omg I would pay money to date this spicy little nugget. Til then, I guess sliding into the DMs will have to do.

And that's it for the week! Now that Connor is gone, I'm ready for this season to be over so we can move onto Bachelor in Paradise, which by the way has cast all of the best people including my main girl Tia! Who we can only hope ends up with Venmo John.

See you next week! As always, find me creeping in the bushes and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by my guest appearance on the episode.

This is generally what I look like after a night out, so form an orderly queue fellas.

Camels and hot tubs, so romantic wow 
Now that Saint Tia has blessed off on Colton, Becca of course chooses him for the first one-on-one date in Vegas (oh surprise, we're in Vegas this week). The date begins with Becca opening a can of creamed corn by saying Vegas is "the perfect place to roll the dice on love."

Colton and his cheshire cat smile are just glad they've "left the whole Tia situation in the past," WHICH EXCUSE ME RUDE but also THANK YOU FOR BRINGING TIA UP AGAIN. For the first part of the date, Becca and Colton ride on camels, which is exactly what everyone thinks of when they think of Vegas. I'm pretty sure this was just included so Becca could say, "This is us getting over the hump of past relationships," which shot us right to peak corn syrup levels.

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Anyway, they ride camels to the middle of some random ass area THAT HAPPENS TO HAVE A MOTHER FRACKING HOT TUB. YOU GUYS. A HOT TUB. Is there just someone on the Bachelor/Bachelorette production staff whose sole responsibility is to coordinate hot tubs?

Colton tells Becca that he's only been in love once (*cough* Aly Raisman *cough*) and that he told this girl he loved her pretty early on because that is apparently what all of these men do after 15 seconds with a human woman. Becca responds by making out with him and we are reminded that these hot tub scenes are literally just two people sitting in a lukewarm tub since the jets aren't on because it'd be too loud for the mics.

During dinner they kiss some more and ignore what I think is baked chicken and Becca does that thing where she holds the rose as if she's contemplating whether or not to give it to him when we all know she's wearing an "I LOVE COLTON" shirt under her dress.

They then board a tourist Big Bus (wtf) and drive down the strip and are totally surprised when a marquee pops up telling them to kiss. So of course they do!

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Also, I'm not one to judge (except in situations where I want to), but Colton looks like a terrible kisser. Additionally, does he look like a mashup of Ryan Phillippe and Matt Damon?

ANOTHER SONGWRITING DATE? WHY
The other 40 dudes get to go on a group date at the Vegas compound of Wayne Newton, who looks well preserved, shall we say.

Becca, in her pursuit to make these dudes look like complete dodo birds, reveals that this date will entail them all writing a song about the "journey" they're on then SINGING IT IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE. HAHA. So we get lots of shots of the guys sitting in various grassy, nature'y areas as they ponder lyrics set to the beat of Wayne's song "Danke Shoen."

Continuing on this climb toward peak embarrassment, the guys then perform their songs in what appears to be Wayne Newton's luxury basement. Chris thinks he wins the singing competition by creating a song that literally just replaces the words "danke shoen" with "muy bonita." It's important to note that no one wins and in fact, we all lose.

For the evening portion of the date, we relocate to an ice hockey rink because next to camels, ice skating rinks are the second thing I think of when I think of Vegas. Becca spends time with almost every guy while a jumbotron plays what appears to be visuals of red blood cells in the background.

I have no idea what the timing is for this show, but I assume this Vegas episode is occurring approximately 14 minutes after Becca freaked out over Jean Blanc saying he was "falling" for her. Edward Cullen lookalike Blake confesses that he is falling for Becca and she has a completely different reaction (because who can resist a vampire? Literally no one because they can compel you, haven't you seen Vampire Diaries). She says come here to him and they kiss and he obviously gets the group date rose.

Ben Stiller, aka Chris, who doesn't chat with Becca because he thinks he can play hard-to-get in a situation where 400 dudes are vying for the attention of 1 woman, ends up not talking with her at all before she gives the rose to Twilight. He proceeds to cry in the elevator that he's probably not getting a rose and should just go home, before also tearing his diary apart and listening to Dashboard Confessional on his Walkman for the rest of the night.

Omg I did not see this coming at all 
Because the show's producers are more transparent than air and like to recycle dramatic storylines, the Model and the Chicken are chosen for the first 2-on-1 date. Becca picks them up in a Jeep and drives them to their date destination and it looks like one of the worst episodes of Carpool Karaoke ever.

They drive to a MOTHER FRACKING RANDOM ASS CANOPY BED set up among rocks and dirt and we learn that the producers literally do not care about this date and we should feel lucky that they didn't just plop three bean bag chairs down.

Becca pulls Chicken away to chat first, who already has his dissertation about Jordan ready to go. In what feels like one giant run-on sentence, he says that Jordan has been bragging about the ladies in Vegas staring at him and that he "could settle" for Becca. If I could draw a picture of what's going on in Chicken's brain at all times, I believe 98% of it would be Jordan while the other 2% would be "does not know how to sleep in a bed without falling off."

After Chicken's Citizen Kane speech about Jordan, Becca's like "uh okay" and they walk back to the weird bed so she can talk with Jordan.

Model denies everything Chicken said and adds that he is a great partner because he can love a lot and understands what real love is from watching his dad love his mom unconditionally. And honestly, I believe the dude. He's annoying AF, but I mean, he's generally been upfront about who he is even if who he is, is an expired bottle of hair gel.

Model then calls Chicken a "rat ass little bitch," which is hilarious and adds that his biggest power is being himself while Chicken has no power and therefore has to talk about Model. It sounds dumb as hell, but it's pretty true - kind of like that Friends episode when Joey said something was "moo" because it didn't matter, like a cow's opinion, it's moo. Sounds dumb as hell, but when you think about it, it's pretty academic.

Chicken gets sent home and we all rejoice in not having to see his cartoon villain red eye anymore.

During dinner, Jordan has an actual opportunity to connect with Becca free from all of the David drama, so he of course uses the time to talk about his life as a model. And how important the gym and hair and facial care are to him. Becca does not say come here to him at all, and when he does go in for a kiss, she looks more uncomfortable than sunburnt me on a transatlantic flight wearing skinny jeans.

She ends up sending him home and here is how he reacts to it, clearly befuddled and also as if someone asked him to multiply 150 by potato.

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And with that, we rid ourselves of the entire Chicken and Model debacle. Two chickens, one stone!

Presented with no comment

See what had happened was... 
During the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Becca asks Chris about him saying he wanted to go home and he immediately morphs into "Okay okay okay" guy in explaining himself. And like most "okay okay okay" guys, he sounds like an idiot instead of just acknowledging his wrongdoing and apologizing.

Because Becca doesn't outright say "Okay Joey Fatone-Lite, I forgive you and I promise you will get a rose," Chris spends the rest of the evening being a crazy kookaburra, obsessing over wanting to talk to Becca again to convince her to love him. He ends up interrupting Wills time, who by the way is wearing this bomb ass suit.

At first Becca tells him that she just sat down with Wills and then they all awkwardly stare at other until Chris, who is in a frenzied state and literally not blinking, insists that he just needs another moment with Becca. Wills agrees to 2 minutes. Chris then sweatily speaks at 100 words-a-minute which is always a sign of a dude telling the truth.

Becca is just kind of like "meh" to his whole explanation and luckily Wills returns and tells Chris to shoo.

Per usual, all of this drama is worth less than a gold necklace from Forever21 as Becca ends up giving Chris a rose. AND SHE SENDS HOME VENMO JOHN. SHE SENDS HOME THE MOST SUCCESSFUL, INTELLIGENT AND SWEETEST GUY ON THIS GOD FORSAKEN SHOW. I can't reiterate enough how much I hate this show.

And Becca is now approaching what I like to call "The Rachel Tipping Point." It's the point in the show where, sure previously you liked the Bachelorette and thought she was making sound decisions, but now you are sure she is being ridiculous and you can no longer trust her to bring chocolate chip cookies over oatmeal raisin ones to the cookout, let alone pick a life partner.

Luckily my little macaroni Connor is still around
Here are just a few of my favorite moments of the week. These are actual snapshots that my brain took.

I dedicated a few hours to scrolling through Connor's Instagram today because I am thorough in my research and anyway here's an adorable photo of him with his dog Jordy.

And that's it for this week! I just found out Venmo John is in New York right now, so I'm off to get married. As always, find me creeping outside of your window and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). See you next week!