Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 2

In a series of events most surprising to me, I made it to Week 2! And I want to kick off this week's commentary by correcting one of my lookalike assessments from Week 1:

It finally hit me that Hayden actually gives strong Ryan Atwood vibes circa season 3 of The O.C.?? They have the same hair swoop! I know you're just as relieved as I am about this realization.

Since there was no Rose Ceremony last week, there's still 800 guys here, so let's jump in!

Honestly, the smartest way to evaluate the men

It's been 24 hours and we haven't seen the men shirtless. To rectify this, Rachel and Gabby plan a pool party for the whole group, but this gets canceled because of bad weather. Don't worry though, the shirtless mandate still stands and they host a "swimsuit pageant" indoors instead. That leads to some unnecessarily memorable moments such as this one with Quincey:

And also this one with "meatball enthusiast" James:

Watching this man pour jarred meat sauce on his body was probably one of the most foul things I've seen in a while. Can't you just smell this screenshot.

After seeing the guys dance around in speedos, a group of them are invited to hang out that evening with Rachel and Gabby. I don't know if this is a prediction of what's to come, but several of the guys basically give Rachel a friendship bracelet, aka hint that they're not romantically interested in her at all. One guy uses his time to tell her that he loves Harry Potter, especially listening to the Audible versions of the books and if that ain't the rallying cry for the friend zone, I don't know what is.

Rachel starts to feel exhausted, bogged down by all these friendship bracelets, until one guy steps up (but little does she know it's for both her and Gabby)....

"There has to come a time when they like the same person, right"

Logan's chapstick gets some major usage as he makes out with both women during the date. 

Why either woman likes him is beyond me. During his time with Gabby, she tells him he "exudes" confidence and he tells her "I love that word" and wow the way I could hear former Bachelor and boiled chicken looking man Arie's voice come screaming back into my brain. WHO "LOVES" THE WORD EXUDE???  

And I know I said Logan looks like a guy who just realized he's a ghost and is trying to blend in, but I'd like to revise that assessment. He looks like an amalgamation of every douchebag character from every teen drama ever created. Can't you just see him and that beard-he's-trying-to-use-to-create-a-jawline being rude to Joey Potter or Brooke Davis?

Anyway, during their chat before handing out group date roses, Rachel tells Gabby she's really into Logan and they kissed, to which Gabby's reaction is:

This is when we learn Gabby is a good ass friend because even though she's interested in Logan too (again, why tho), she doesn't say anything about her time with him. 

Logan ends up getting Rachel's group date rose while David Guetta gets Gabby's.

And now let's get to some solo dates so I can actually remember someone's name.

Rachel's first one-on-one with Jordan V.

During the first episode, drag racer Jordan told Rachel he was only here for her, so it makes sense for her to choose a guy who is clearly interested in her (more on this later). 

For the first part of the date, they float around in a zero gravity plane (this is actually pretty cool):

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Later, they have dinner in the Beast's house:

Complete with a rose and everything, but also don't get me started about how Beauty & The Beast is one of the worst Disney movies. 

They have a great conversation and seem to have a lot in common, especially since everyone here is deeply passionate about something — Rachel with flying planes, Jordan with drag racing and me with trying to escape this show. Things seem to be leading to Rachel easily giving Jordan a rose, but before she can decide, she needs to consult with Lumière:

When she returns, she tells Jordan that he's perfect for her and exactly the type of guy she asked for coming into this, which is exactly why she's sending him home. Of course, that makes sense. And the worst part is, Jordan doesn't even get to stick around to see a performance from country singers who are here because they support the show not because they are contractually obligated to because of some binding Disney/ABC agreement!

I'm sure that similar to Hilary Duff, they are just huge fans of the show.

Umm, and I guess based on this and also history, Rachel is actually only interested in guys who are not interested in her (see exhibit A: Clayton). Speaking of terrible guys....

Ah, so this is actually our villain

I guess I was wrong about that one Skarsgård looking man being the villain because this week we learn Chris is actually the worst person in the house. During some light conversation with a few of the guys, Chris takes the conversation on a detour into shitty guy town, a detour we knew was coming the moment he referred to Rachel and Gabby as "females." 

Chris, who has maybe gotten a grand total of 5 seconds with Rachel and Gabby, says he knows he'll be in the top four but it'll be a dealbreaker for him if "whoever" he's interested in has sex with other guys during Fantasy Suites. Which, thinking he'll make it to Fantasy Suites is a fantasy in itself. And this is obviously problematic for a whole list of reasons, but to summarize, this man's got to go. And not just go home like from the show, I mean, he's got to go to space so he can leave all of the women on planet Earth alone.

As is the case with any villain, we'll get more of Chris later. But let's get to some good news....

Gabby's first one-on-one with Nate

Cutie pie Nate gets the first solo date with Gabby and when he arrives at the Bachelorette(s) house to meet her, Rachel is also just hanging out in their space, which like, why not let Gabby have her own time in the spotlight since this is her date???? 

But okay, I guess I can give her the benefit of the doubt since she technically lives in the house too.

Jk, I have rescinded that benefit because we then get this sad clip of her staring at Gabby and Nate leaving on their date (which is a helicopter ride, standard first date stuff):

Based on this (sort of depressing) scene and the earlier scenes of Rachel getting friend zoned by several guys, my wild prediction is this is planting a seed for her to leave the season early. Maybe she decides this "journey" hasn't been the best for her? Now THAT would actually be the most dramatic season yet, okay Jesse Palmer.

Back to Gabby because remember this is her date. Gabby and Nate fly around LA in a helicopter until it brings them to this special "surprise":

90% of the time any Bachelor/Bachelorette says they have a "surprise" on the date, it is ALWAYS a hot tub. And this one was insanely placed in like a parking lot, no lie.

Later they have dinner inside Union Station and Nate tells Gabby he's a girl dad with a 6-year-old daughter who made his heart burst open the first time he met her (Y'ALL, THIS MAN IS PERFECT). Gabby tells him about the strong relationship she had with her dad in the absence of her mom and okay listen, Nate is for sure in Gabby's top 3 at least. 

He of course gets a rose and if Gabby doesn't marry him, I will.

With all of the dates out of the way, it's time to finally get to our first Rose Ceremony. But first...

Is there some sort of weird bet going on

About who can wear the most cropped pants?? Guy on the right (who knows what his name is) is FOR SURE wearing capris, there's no way he stands up and those pants are even close to his feet. And not to bring you on this scentual journey with me, but I bet every room in that house smells after all these dudes wearing shoes with no socks take their shoes off.

Oh good, a dramatic Rose Ceremony

Right, so ahead of the Rose Ceremony, it's time for Chris to rise to his full villain status.

A few of the guys who heard Chris' disgusting Fantasy Suites spiel approach Rachel to tell her about it and her response is exactly correct:

You can tell she is disgusted, but also wondering "Who is Chris??"

Rachel immediately finds Gabby to tell her and her response is equally as correct:

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But with bonus points because Gabby says "I haven't even had one conversation with Chris, so why is he thinking about Fantasy Suites," you have to cackle.

Now that our game of telephone has gone from the guys to Rachel to Gabby, it only makes sense for it to  circle back to the source — Chris. 

Pretty sure Chris thinks this is good that he's getting time with both women, but before he can finish saying "nice to meet you," Gabby gets right to the point, asking if he thinks it's appropriate to be talking about Fantasy Suites when they literally just learned his name. Chris, being the shitty guy he is, defends what he said WHILE ALSO calling them females, which wow, never doubt the multi-tasking abilities of a terrible guy.

Ultimately, they ask him to leave, which he does......for 20 seconds.

He walks back in and gathers the guys who told Rachel and Gabby about what he said because he can't believe that after revealing to them that he is the worst, they would go on to tell the two women they're all trying to marry that he is in fact the worst. He barely has one leg on his high horse before Rachel and Gabby discover he's back:

They ask him to leave AGAIN and this time, he actually does. And that concludes Chris' rise and fall as a villain. Since this all happened in the span of one episode, I'm assuming the producers will find someone else to fill the void, maybe get back to the Skarsgård option.

Oh yeah, there's also a Rose Ceremony, guess we can't forget about that.

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It's our first one and we learn that Rachel and Gabby are giving roses to the guys "they both" want to continue to get to know, which um okay sure, but eventually they're getting their own roses right. Otherwise this is a little sisterwives'ish (Or brotherhusbands? What should we call this TLC show). 

Six guys are sent home and as predicted last week, that includes #1 hot guy and shipping executive Matt:

Don't worry though, I'm here if he needs any help with his packages (THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY JOKE LIKE THIS, JUST LET ME HAVE IT).

And that's it! We're down to 21 men. See you next week as we maybe start to learn some of their names. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter and Instagram.

Let's chat about the Bachelorette(s) - Week 1

We're back at it again with a new Bachelorette(s) season! And Jesse Palmer claims this is "the most shocking" season yet, which is already true because we are all in fact shocked this show has gone on for 85 years.

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Before we jump in, I first want to applaud those of you who suffered through the last Bachelor season featuring this package of old lunch meat.

All I'm saying is his skin tone is the same color as that juice around raw chicken and I bet he smells like boiled hot dogs.

I didn't watch most of his season because if I wanted to be bored by a bland, flavorless man for 2 hours a week, I'd just go on more dates. But while I only watched the last few episodes, I know that when Rachel says what her and Gabby went through with Clayton was "torture," she means that having to talk to this naked molerat of a man for weeks on end was exhausting.

But now it's Gabby and Rachel's turn! To meet a bunch of men who all bought the same navy suit from Men's Wearhouse to wear with loafers and no socks. Here we goooooooo!

But first, I'm just going to say it

Based on the few episodes I watched last season, it was clear Gabby was a star. I don't actually understand why she isn't the lone Bachelorette because she could more than carry a season on her own:

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I get it, her and Rachel were both screwed over by the same Monsters Inc. looking man, but I mean, how is the reward for their suffering getting to again compete with each other for a bunch of men?? Why am I trying to rationalize this show??

Anyway, we kick off the season by meeting Gabby in Colorado just 24 hours before she's set to leave for the show. Girl hasn't even packed yet and she's out here hiking with a full blowout! Iconic behavior!!

Even if you don't regularly watch the Bachelor franchise, I can guarantee you'll find this season entertaining if not just for Gabby's sense of humor. I mean, this is the face she makes while saying "I get to date multiple guys":

Relatable. We love to see it.

The point of this section is to warn you that while I'll try to provide commentary on both hers and Rachel's "journeys" (dear God I hate myself), there's no promises, so I'm sorry if you're a hardcore Rachel fan (I also feel sorry if anyone is actually a "hardcore" fan of any of these people).

Let's talk about some of the men!

Yeah so, this is weird

Logan shows up with two chicks in his hands, telling Rachel and Gabby that he "wanted to practice hanging out with 2 chicks." Phew, is there anything hotter than seeing a man licking his lips while approaching you with two baby chickens pooping in his hands?

Gabby actually yells "I thought those were rats," which I mean, he looks like a guy who would hold rats too. 

Logan is one of the few guys who gets to chat with both Gabby and Rachel, who both seem to enjoy their conversations with him. I'm sure we'll get to know his personality more, but for now all I can say is he looks like a man who just found out he's a ghost, so he's trying to make himself appear to be a regular living human being.

That may seem like a very specific assessment, but it just seemed like he was seconds away from asking one of them "Ah yes, so what is one of your favorite alive human being things, I mean, things, to do?" 

I think this man is on the wrong show

Jason shows up looking like a slob kabob with his top button unbuttoned and proceeds to tell Gabby and Rachel that he has something in common with Clayton. He's also in love with 3 women — his mom, his sister and his dog. IN LOVE WITH???? IN LOVE WITH??? HE USED THE WORD "IN" LOVE WITH, NOT JUST LOVE. Anyway, I think the show he's actually looking for airs on TLC or Lifetime. 

After this, we get a montage of guys making entrances that are somehow connected to bashing Clayton or making references to him because if there's anything these two women want on THEIR season is focusing on their shared shitty piece of ham ex-boyfriend. Men really are stupid y'all, so many have only evolved one step past Wile E. Coyote.

Send this man to jail

Justin B. shows up with no shoes because he wants Gabby and Rachel to know he's "grounded," which is still not a good enough reason to not wear shoes. Actually, there is no reason ever for a man to have his bare feet out. Scientists have concluded that 100% of men have feet that look like the gnarly roots of an old tree and the public just shouldn't be exposed to such heinous things.

What is Grocery Store Joe doing here

Wow, not a top lip in sight. 

You know those sites where you upload pictures of yourself and Michael B. Jordan to see what your children would look like? Yeah so Hayden is the product of that if we uploaded pictures of Grocery Store Joe and Joe Alwyn. And that was just about the most memorable thing about him and his Fourth of July looking Brooks Brothers tie.

His bio says he likes baked potatoes, so I already don't trust him. Of all the potato options to choose from, who CHOOSES the baked potato over fries or tater tots or mashed potatoes???? 

Another man in a navy suit

Tino pulls up in a forklift so he can deliver this super amazing line that I'm sure he practiced for days ahead of this. It seems like he's mostly here for Rachel and during his time with her, he brings her to a set of stairs because he wants to make stairs a "better memory" for her since she's remembered for crying on the stairs during Clayton's stupid season. They end up kissing (meaning he's Rachel's first kiss of the season) and he ends up getting her First Impression Rose.

As a reminder, I leave my screenshots to fate and refuse to subject myself to this show any further than is necessary so I didn't get another shot of Tino. I think I like him though, partially because he looks a little like Paul Mescal (Y'ALL REMEMBER CONNELL'S CHAIN) and mostly because his bio says he READS. That's right. He reads, which is pretty rare for this franchise. Glad the producers are mixing it up and going with some guys who know the difference between your and you're.

Now that we know the recipient of Rachel's first kiss and First Impression Rose, who got Gabby's?

A man who is not in a navy suit!!

Gabby has a nice conversation with Mario, who actually asks her questions about her life (the bar, it is so low). Similar to Rachel, Gabby gives her First Impression Rose to her first kiss of the season, which is Mario. Based on historical precedent, I think it's safe to assume Tino and Mario will be around for a while.

But, let's get to some people who will not be around....

When the Uber accidentally brings you to the Bachelorette instead of the arcade

One minute they're playing Call of Duty and the next they're on The Bachelorette(s). Life came at Joey and Justin fast. 

They're here to prove they do things separately, which is why they're here together and why they decide to talk to Rachel and Gabby, together. However, all of their travel and passport paperwork is processed quickly as they both enter Rachel and Gabby's friend zone just 30 seconds after chatting with them. This is the exact moment Gabby realizes she wants to be anywhere but here talking with them:

By the end of the episode, the twins are 2 of the 3 men sent home immediately because neither woman can see a romantic connection forming. And to be fair, I think Justin and Joey are happy that Rachel and Gabby can focus on finding love and they can get back to doing what they actually love doing — clubbing. Seriously. They both have "clubbing" listed as an interest on their bios. There's really nothing thats screams "ready to settle down and get married" more than a man whose hobby is clubbing with his twin brother. 

Right and since I mentioned they're 2 of the 3 guys sent home, you're probably wondering who the third is.....

Okay, but he was weirdly cute

Roby is the third guy dumped after the first night and I can't understand why!! He shows up and just spends his time with both women doing magic tricks!! What's not to love!

But seriously, I found him so awkward and adorable and can't you just tell that if he got a haircut he'd look a little like Chace Crawford (xoxo, Gossip Girl). Also the fact that he's a magician makes it very easy for me to make inappropriate jokes, but I won't. I'll just say I can make some of his things disappear (I'M TALKING ABOUT MAGIC TRICKS YOU GUYS, GROSS, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER).

I'm waiting to release all of my bad inapprop jokes in 3.....2......1.....

I've got some shipments that need to be managed

We don't know yet if Matt is more interested in Rachel or Gabby, but what we do know is he is the hottest man in the house. I'm going to spare you the list of inappropriate jokes I've thought up involving his job as a shipping executive, but as you can imagine, it involves using the words "box" and "package" and so on, you get it.

Unfortunately, as is the curse that befalls every #1 hot person on this show, he'll likely be sent home within the first few weeks. 

When, the guy we'll want to see sent home (but who won't be for a while) is the season's villain. Which, we got no clear indication of who that will be in the first episode, but we did see....

Who seems to be getting the villain edit

The fact that the show gave us this prolonged villain camera angle makes me think Erich will rise to the occasion of being the house douchebag. Also, you can't tell here, but the man has a mullet and can you really trust a man with a mullet? The answer is no.

He's another one of the few men who talks with both Rachel and Gabby and actually makes out with Gabby. He feels pretty confident he'll get one of the First Impression Roses, so after Rachel doesn't give him hers, he seems okay with it since he thinks he'll get Gabby's, which gave me the ick (a phrase I know from Love Island, which I'm also watching, please join me). After he doesn't get either (because he has a mullet and that is a disqualifying factor), he is genuinely shocked because Erich thinks Erich should've gotten at least one of the roses. 

As a note, I'm also basing this villain assessment on the fact that he kind of looks like one of the Skarsgård men and those men are always villains, but only time will tell.

And that's it! Rachel and Gabby decide to skip the first Rose Ceremony because, aside from the 3 delegates from the Friend Zone, they need more time to get to know the guys before making any decisions. Which, thank you for asking, this is who I want to get to know more:

See you next week, Aven, Alec and Nate! 

And also hopefully see all of you! I'm begging, please don't make me endure this tragedy of a show alone. Til then, find me creeping on Twitter and Instagram.

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by Pardeep, who got exponentially more screentime during the Men Tell All (3 minutes) as compared to when he was on the actual season (30 seconds, max):

His look of exhaustion accurately demonstrates how I felt throughout all 120 minutes of this "tell all" that aired an hour later than usual because some random boy band holiday special aired first. Ah yes, there's nothing more refreshing than having Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick as the opening act for this reunion.

Anyway, how frustrating do you think it must be for Pardeep, who is a neuroscientist, to be around men like Peter and Martin who collectively share maybe one insanely gelled brain cell at most. As you can imagine, there's a lot of stupidity ahead, so let's jump in!

Because enduring all of this once wasn't enough

We kick things off by reliving all of the petty arguments that transpired, beginning with Will and Peter. 

You probably remember Will for being really in love with that bomber jacket he won during the Top Gun group date and Peter for owning a pizzeria, having a receding hairline and for only speaking in phrases from 80s sitcoms. 

We learn that men are entirely too emotional because these two ding dongs are still feuding. When Peter is talking about his pizzeria and how it provides for his family, Will jumps in like "Speaking of your family...tell your sister to stay out of my DMs" and y'all, I screamed. A real Petty of Five.

Peter says that his pizzeria has received some terrible Yelp reviews lately and he feels certain that Will is behind them. The best part of this is that we get to see some of these hilarious negative reviews on the big screen.

"Also the owner is a cowardly child" HAHA, might as well sign the review "Love always, Will." Even though Will claims he "doesn't have time" to do such things, we all know these dumbass men have endless hours to dedicate to being stupid, so.

After all of this unbelievably ignorant back and forth, Peter has Will served with papers suing him for "defamation of character," while he's saying, "Rest in Pizza" and dear God, what's actually illegal here is how incredibly corny Peter is. 

He's not even a formidable villain, more like one of the bad guys from Rocky & Bullwinkle who was always getting one upped by a literal squirrel and moose.

At the end of the evening, Peter surprises everyone with pizza flown in from his pizzeria in Florida (sounds very fresh) and Will admits it's pretty good and they end up shaking hands and burying the hatchet. This actually makes a lot of sense since they're both children and there's nothing that brings children together like pizza.

This man has surely cheated on every woman he's ever been with

We can't do a show-and-tell of this season's trash without noting Martin! We learn that he and his 90s dye job had a girlfriend before coming on the show, but they "took a break" while he was on the show and now they're back together. Yeah so um, that's called having a girlfriend while you're on the show. This is not a Ross and Rachel "we were on a break" situation. 

Once Michelle joins the group, he semi-apologizes for being a dick, but lets her know that being on the show taught him that GASP women actually deserve to be treated like humans. He had no idea before, but now he has found his "soul mate" who he "treats like a queen." Congrats to this poor woman who gets to be with Martin who just learned that women should be respected. I'm sure the "Sundays are for the Boys" flag he has hanging in his living room is so romantic. Swoon.

Speaking of Michelle, interjection to say....

Can you believe Michelle had to date some of these men

Michelle, who has those brows and that face and such a kind and big heart, had to endure men like Martin for several weeks. Where is her medal. She really shouldn't have to like, pay taxes or something for life just based on the fact that she held back from throat punching some of these fools.

How much patience I have for Jamie

The final boss of this dumpster pile —Jamie — returns and reminds us that he continues to look both old and young at the same time. He reveals that he's no longer gaslighting. No no, he's reached a point beyond gaslighting where he just exists in a forest fire nonstop. He still can't admit that it was pretty terrible that he started the whole rumor about "everyone" questioning Michelle's character and then walked around like "Omg who started that rumor."

Casey perfectly summarizes Jamie by saying he's "Tony Robbins off camera, uplifting everyone, but shitty on camera, like when he said Michelle was acting like she was on spring break."

While we're all swimming in Jamie's word vomit, Rodney tries to offer a life raft by telling Jamie to just simply apologize so everyone can move on. But see, that's impossible because when Jamie hears questions about apples, he responds with answers about steak. Nothing makes sense here, not even that metaphor.

He claims everything bad he did on camera was misinterpreted because he was "venting," an excuse that holds about as much water as cotton candy and Michelle calls him out for it. 

Finally after an hour and 40 minutes of every single person in the studio and across the street and in the next state telling him to just accept responsibility and apologize, the half broken lightbulb in his brain flickers. He tells Michelle that he's sorry she "felt disrespected" and apologizes. 

To be clear, this man for sure still doesn't know what an "apology" is, but I'm sure he could feel that promo code for powdered supergreens slipping through his fingers. Gotta remember what's really at stake here, #swipeup!

Enough with rummaging through the trash let's get to...

The good ones

Rick and his natural eyeliner only have kind and sweet things to say about Michelle, including "she listens to understand, not to respond." His presence on stage is like a mist of Febreze after the Peter/Will/Martin/Jamie shit show. 

I mean, look how he lights up when Michelle comes onstage! 

I know I said I was initially creeped out by him, but turns out I'm really into being creeped out. Who knew. Please join us for our spring wedding where our first dance will be to Radiohead's "Creep."

And we of course can't talk about the good guys without mentioning our favorite Mayor of the Friend Zone:

Tayshia and Kaitlyn make Rodney relive the painful breakup that we watched last week, where he told Michelle it would take a while for him to get over her because.....he was in love with her. He's for sure still an active member of the Michelle Young fan club and I think he's the sweetest, so much so that I would love to date hi.....s friend, do you know if any of his friends are single.  

Now while I think Rick and Rodney (oh wow, where's the spin-off show for them) are great, there's one standout guy.....

Who should've been the next Bachelor

Besides the fact that he's dressed better than everyone, Olu emerged as one of the best guys in the bunch. When Kaitlyn asks Michelle who she maybe sent home too early, she says she wishes she would've had more time with Olu because he always had her best interests in mind. And he really did. He avoided drama for the most part and focused only on Michelle (and also on his abs routine, because wow). 

But, instead of giving us a fun Bachelor season with Olu, the show decided we needed a bland ol' flavorless oatmeal of a season from Clayton. The preview for his season confirms this and I remain absolutely baffled as to why he was chosen. But hey, I imagine we'll peel back the layers of his personality during his season to reveal oh wait, there are no layers, just one. This onion has one layer. 

And that's it! Or well, I'm not mentioning how the show made Tayshia address her recent breakup with Zac because that entire bit felt completely random and forced and wtf ABC, she had her reasons. If a man made me run a marathon, I'd dump his ass too.

See you next week for Fantasy Suites! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).