Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 4

This week's commentary is brought to you by Gabby realizing she didn't choose the right hairstyle for trying on berets:

For reasons I'll soon scream about, this woman really really really really really should've been the only Bachelorette this season. 

About the beret — we're in France! And this time, instead of having everyone stay in a French chateau, they're all staying....on a Virgin cruise ship.

Not gonna lie, it feels incredibly random TO RENT OUT AN ENTIRE CRUISE SHIP especially since we don't have any self-proclaimed virgins this season. Because this would've been the point when the producers pressured someone like Colton into saying something like "Like this cruise ship, I am also virgin" (wow I could be a producer).

But before we get to France, we need to see what little drama seed is planted at the beginning of the episode to flourish into a shit bush by the end.

Hayden, more like Hades

As a reminder, K-Mart Ryan Atwood, who is def not tall enough to ride the rides, was rude to Gabby last week, telling her she was "rough around the edges," which didn't align with his pristine values. This week, while sitting outside with a couple of the guys, he spews off the following insults in the span of 30 seconds:

• Calls Gabby and Rachel bitches and says he doesn't trust them
• Specifically calls Gabby a bitch by saying "Well bitch, don't use that word to describe yourself" since she has described herself as rough around the edges but didn't like him doing it (aka he can't believe there is anything he isn't allowed to say)
• Says Rachel's boobs "don't hold a candle" to his ex's (wtf, who holds candles near boobs anyway)

Now with this little Napoleon's comments stewing in the background, let's get to France!

This week's solo dates: Jason and Tino

Gabby picks Jason because he's super shy and she's hoping one-on-one time will help him open up. For their date, they first have to climb the stairway to heaven IN THE RAIN:

They then try on berets (please reference earlier photo of Gabby looking like a bald baby) before meeting back up with Rachel and Tino, who spent their afternoon eating crepes and by "eating crepes" I mean eating each others faces:

The owner of this bakery was all "come in and make some crepes!" and they proceeded to do this instead while the crepes were probably burnt to a crisp. I'm also imagining the owner standing literally 2 ft away (this was a tiny little shop) thinking "this is not how you make crepes."

Right, so these four meet up and at some point, Rachel tells, I mean, asks Gabby if she needs to go to the bathroom (so they can talk about their dates). They proceed to get up and walk approx four steps away from the guys. 

I don't know how bathrooms work in France, but I hope those long jackets aren't just shields for them to be openly peeing in front of that counter.

Later, during the evening portion of their dates, Gabby and Jason have dinner in what appears to be the entrance to a P.F. Chang's:

Jason really bares his soul, telling Gabby that he played tennis growing up, but it made him competitive to the point that he didn't enjoy it anymore. Phew, didn't know we'd be getting that deep and neither did Gabby because this is her face as he tells her about his tennis struggles:

It's hard to follow Jason sharing something as meaningful and insightful as changing what hobbies he's interested in, but Gabby tries to. She tells Jason about the difficult relationship with her mom, saying that she still loves her even though her mom "doesn't have the tools" to love her back. They soon realize they've both been through therapy (which again, everyone on this show REALLY needs it) and Jason is sweet, but wow, so incredibly boring. 

There's something about his face that makes me want to go to sleep. Like, he is the personification of a lullaby. I have to move on because his face is like a sleep podcast and I'm about to doze off. But I guess Gabby likes that nap life because she gives him a rose.

Meanwhile, Rachel is on a date in a cathedral, obviously:

He's like super busy, but I'm pretty sure even God took a moment to be like "wtf??? who approved this??" 

Rachel learns that Tino is ready to get married, which is good to know since she is the Bachelorette and this show is called The Bachelorette and the point is to get married. We also learn that Rachel is just reusing her old cue cards from her date last week with Zach as she stops just short of also telling Tino that she basically loves him. So that's good. He obviously gets a rose.

Now with the solo dates out of the way, let's get to the rest of the idiots.

"This is my first group date alone with my boyfriends"

The rest of Gabby's guys are put through a boxing group date where they'll have to "fight" for Gabby's love, which to be honest, I didn't mind and we'll never know why. Jk, here's why:

When the actual matches get underway, Rachel and her guys show up to watch because, well, I honestly don't know why Rachel is crashing Gabby's date AGAIN. Like damn, can't Gabby do anything on her own without Rachel popping up like a whack-a-mole. Mostly noting this to share this screenshot:

I didn't realize how miniature Hayden was until seeing him stand around the other guys and wow this man can't be taller than 4'11". He looks like Zach's annoying younger brother who Zach was forced to drag along on the show.

Anyway, back to Gabby because remember this is her group date. The guys are placed into pairs to fight each other, but before they box, they each get on the mic to profess their feelings to Gabby, which is pretty adorable. But this is simply too much for Rachel, who cannot handle all of these men paying attention to Gabby during Gabby's group date and not to her.

She has a full-on meltdown because none of her guys are "even trying to make eye contact" with her MAYBE BECAUSE THEY'RE WATCHING GUYS LITERALLY FIGHT EACH OTHER IN A RING?? This was truly an insane reaction. Like babes, you're on ANOTHER WOMAN'S DATE CRYING ABOUT WHY NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU?? This would be like if I went to Gemma Chan's movie premiere and then had a tantrum on the red carpet because no one was paying attention to me, woman who was not invited and jumped the security gate to get into this premiere. 

Back to Gabby, because AGAIN, this is her date. She chooses Spencer as the overall winner of the day, meaning he gets to spend some one-on-one time with her that evening.

Gabby likes Spencer because he's "tall, dark and handsome," plus he was in the military (IG tells me he went to West Point) and Gabby grew up in a military family, so they have that connection. They talk more, Spencer touches his bare shins a bunch because he's one of the men whose dress pants are capris, they both ignore a lovely mini coot board and ultimately, Gabby gives him a rose.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Rachel is still spiraling after having to endure not being the center of attention during Gabby's group date. She decides to confront her group of guys and tells them that she felt more "wanted" by thumb head Clayton (who dumped her and made her look like a fool on live TV) than by any of them I guess because, I don't know, none of them tried to slow dance with her during Gabby's group date. Zach's reaction summarizes mine and I think, everyone's:

Look, at this point, I think it's just better for everyone's well-being if Rachel drops out of this. But instead, let's just keep moving along, ignoring how deep this is negatively affecting both women because we've got more stupid dates to see!

Rachel's group date that Gabby doesn't interrupt

We quickly learn that the producers also want Rachel to leave and are doing everything they can to get that to happen because for her group date, she first has to endure the guys "flirting" with her, which encourages this:

Ethan proceeds to crawl on the floor in such a creepy and strange way that my ovaries immediately put their out-of-office responses on. The follow-up activities included having the guys make-out with their hands and then of course this:

Rachel has to sniff ALL of their armpits and at this point, based on how terrible this entire experience has been, I'm surprised the next activity wasn't "Okay Rachel, now we're going to have the guys throw tomatoes at you to show they're ready to ketchup with love!"

At the end of this extremely bizarre day, Rachel says she "feels wanted now," which ummm that makes sense because THIS IS ACTUALLY YOUR GROUP DATE??????? YESTERDAY WAS GABBY'S DATE?????? AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS????? And ultimately, she chooses to spend more one-on-one time with Tyler that evening.

Tyler takes the time to ask Rachel to prom because his mom said he could borrow the car so he can even pick her up. But actually, he talks about his last serious relationship and how he bought a house for them (didn't know 17-year-olds could buy houses, but go off) before she dumped him, but that it was all worth it to feel love and he still believes risking pain is worth it, to which Rachel is like:

Hearing that he's ready to get hurt makes Rachel more ecstatic than when I see my Chili's sizzling plate of fajitas coming to my table, so she of course gives him a rose.

To recap, heading into the Rose Ceremony, Rachel has given Tino and Tyler roses and Gabby has given Jason and Spencer roses.

All of these men really, really need therapy

I'm going to quickly summarize Hades' rise and fall as this episode's villain. 

During the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, he uses his time with Rachel to talk about his dog that is dying. Rachel is like "cool story bro." Hades can't get over Rachel not being obsessed with his dog that she's never met and proceeds to spend the whole night complaining to all oxygen molecules in a 100-mile radius. 

While Hades is complaining and pouting, Meatball decides it's time to tell Rachel about his earlier negative remarks about the women.

This, for good reason, infuriates Gabby who pulls Hayden for a chat. When she asks what he thinks she wants to talk to him about, HE SAYS HIS DOG. 

And tbh, both of these people are WILDLY self-centered with embarrassingly unwarranted main character energy, so maybe they actually do belong together. Hayden of course denies everything even though it's literally on tape and Rachel thankfully sends his ass home.

This is what I imagine every woman in Hayden's life, from his mom to the women he dates, looks like when he hugs them.

With another toxic man out of the picture, who will fill the void?

Ah yes, thanks tiny mouth man. He's been struggling this episode because he still feels attracted to Gabby and he doesn't know when to say something to Rachel (my recommendation: before proposal day, probably). Instead of actually dealing with the situation like an adult, this bearded baby decides it's best to just accept Rachel's rose because it keeps him here AND CLOSE TO GABBY. I HATE IT HERE.

Other rose notes: with Hades already gone, Rachel sends home Jordan and Gabby sends home Kirk and Quincey. I still don't actually care about any of these potential couples except for Gabby and Nate, so I'll close this post with this shot of Nate: 

LOOK AT HIM IN HIS LITTLE EDWARD CULLEN POPPED COLLAR COAT. I know it seems like I make a lot of Twilight references but that's only because I'm embarrassing.

See you all next week! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 3

It's Week 3! And everyone is finally realizing that this season was a very bad idea because having two Bachelorettes means all the power is held by the men as they try to "decide" which woman is better for them as if all of them are on their own individual seasons of The Bachelor. I hate it here. 

Here's Rachel showing what I look like every week while watching:

Except, I'm def not smiling. I somehow feel that shielding everything but one eye from viewing this monstrosity of a show helps. With that visual in mind, let's jump in!

Wait, why is Hunter back

Zach, who is the 6 ft version of short king Hunter from Katie's waste of a season, gets Rachel's one-on-one date this week. As a reminder, Rachel has sent home 100% of the men she's gone on solo dates with (sorry, drag racing guy from last week whose name I don't remember), so some of the guys are worried, including Kirk, who owns the world's largest pair of brows.

He doesn't always surf the internet, but when he does, he brows.

Academically minded Kirk has the week's biggest scientific breakthrough as he says that Rachel is using the dates to ... help her decide if she can see a future with the guy or if she needs to send him home. Great job, Kirk! You've discovered the point of the show, can't get anything past those brows.

For their date, Rachel and Zach are joined by Karamo, who gives them the "red carpet treatment" before they attend a movie premiere later.

I GUESS "RED CARPET TREATMENT" MEANS IGNORING THAT COSTCO SIZED BOWL OF XXXL SHRIMP AND CRAB CLAWS?????? I can definitively say that these shrimp are the biggest turn on of the entire episode.

We soon learn that the "movie premiere" they're attending is actually just a PowerPoint presentation featuring photos and videos of both of them growing up.

But while walking in, they get to experience people who have been paid to take photos of them like they're actually A-list celebs, which I'm not even knocking, I would love to do the same.

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But look, we need an investigative report into who is in charge of dressing Rachel because whoever it is, clearly has a grudge against her. This dress looks like a bedazzled bottle of mustard topped with dried up cotton candy. I'm also dying at the woman standing near the street, not even bothering to take photos, but more confused about why photos are being taken of these randos.

To summarize, Zach and Rachel find out they both used to spend time with their dads at the airport watching planes take off (which ok, is cute). And this is enough to solidify their connection as Rachel gives Zach a rose and Zach admits he's ALREADY falling for Rachel.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch

While Rachel is on her date, Gabby figures she'll drop by the mansion to hang out with the guys and she assumes they'll welcome the visit since, you know, she's the Bachelorette and that's the name of this show. However, she soon has to witness a phenomenon that occurs 100% of the time more than 3 men get together — the bro'ing out effect.

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She thinks at least some of them will take the opportunity to chat with her, the Bachelorette, but nope, they're all in full Chad mode. This obviously upsets Gabby, which, we'll dive into soon, but first...

Gabby's one-on-one with Erich

Skarsgård brother Erich gets this week's solo date with Gabby and they're joined by Gabby's grandpa (who I guess was a memorable guest star last season).

They kick things off by participating in an "intention setting ceremony" inside a yurt, which is exactly as caucasian as you're imagining.

This looks like the sale area in the back of a West Elm. 

Later, they have dinner outside AND I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THAT CHANDELIER IS HANGING FROM????

Like, all that is around them is trees and such, did they really hang a chandelier off a tree??? I don't know why I question anything this show does??

Gabby takes the opportunity to open up and be super vulnerable with Erich, telling him about how she's estranged from her mom and how she "may never know what it's like to have a mother's love" and y'all, WE ALL NEED TO GATHER AROUND AND HUG HER, OKAY. With emotions so high, Gabby walks away for a bit to talk to a producer, at one point asking:

She questions if she's the "right person" to be the Bachelorette, which I think we can all agree Gabby is actually far too good to be the Bachelorette.

She eventually returns to Erich and explains how hard this has been and they kiss. When Gabby asks if Erich will accept the date rose, he responds with "Yeah," which oh by the way, is the only response slash comfort he's offered her throughout this entire emotional conversation. 

I've seen more emotional response and understanding from a Magic 8 Ball. I don't know where else to insert this joke, but Erich is a little bich and I hope he's sent home soon.

"There's going to be a massive group date"

The remaining clowns get to take part in this week's group date, making it a NINETEEN ON TWO date. And next on the mandatory date checklist is making the Bachelorettes pose for photos in wedding dresses.

This remains one of the wackest (and most insane) dates the show pushes. Everyone knows you don't show up in a wedding dress until AT LEAST the fourth date, duh.

The alleged point of the date is for Gabby and Rachel to see who they can "picture" themselves with, which can only be discovered by having the men wear a variety of costumes before posing for photos:

Jacob is given some sort of leaf to wear (and tbh that giant black box covering him is generous), which actually makes sense because he is the biggest chestnut face (aka, great body + hideous face, like he's got a great chest not face). 

The photo session produces shots like this:

So yes, it's as incredibly stupid as you were thinking. Also, I could've gone my entire life without seeing Meatball dressed as a giant hairy baby.

A couple guys who the producers don't hate get to fake propose because you know, this show respects how serious it means to get engaged and married. And while this date has been so cringe, one perfect moment emerges with Nate:

HE TELLS GABBY THAT "FOREVER CAN NEVER BE LONG ENOUGH" WITH HER AND PHEW, IF THAT DOESN'T TAP INTO MY DEEPEST TWILIGHT TENDENCIES. Would honestly prefer to watch an entire season about Nate and Gabby's love story as opposed to whatever it is that we're actually witnessing.

The happiness is short lived though because...

Wait, you mean having two Bachelorettes was a bad idea?

I don't know who thought it was empowering for Gabby and Rachel to share a group of men when it was bound to make one or both of them feel bad at some point as these dildos think this season is all about who THEY choose. This is made apparent during the evening portion of the group date when SEVERAL men tell Gabby she's not the one for them, including these two brunette bozos:

Tiny Tyler on the left is actually the nicest about it, telling Gabby that he "gravitates" toward Rachel, which is good because the man can't be heavier than a pea, so some level of gravity to keep him on the ground is necessary. K-Mart Ryan Atwood on the right (Hayden) is ruder, telling Gabby that his "morals" align better with Rachel because Gabby is "rough around the edges," which seriously wtf. So Gabby has had a harder life and knows how to speak her mind? FLING THIS MAN INTO SPACE. 

And the most vile garbage of all:

Chestnut Face tells Gabby that even if she was the only Bachelorette, he would leave, BUT he thinks she's hot (oh great, thanks). I can't stand this show for many reasons, but mostly for giving these men who are 3s AT BEST a platform to reject a 10.

Because of the men's bullshittery, Gabby decides not to give a rose out, which not only surprises the trash ass men, but Rachel as well.

Oh btw, Rachel, who's been having a great night, gives her rose to Aven.

After the date, Gabby fills Rachel in on what happened, before maturely coming to the conclusion that she's "not here to teach dudes how to act." Rachel asks if she wants to address it with the whole group or if she wants her to and Gabby says no. And look, I'm not here to tell Rachel how to be a good friend, but if a stank ass man was rude to my best friend, I'd be like a bat out of hell, that's all I'm saying.

"It is so messy"

Now that everyone is on the same page and has realized the concept for this season is insanely stupid and unfair to the women, some changes are made to the Rose Ceremony (oh and we're skipping the cocktail party this week).

Rachel and Gabby now have their own separate sets of roses to give out, which makes way more sense than the sisterwives thing they were doing before. Another stipulation — once a guy accepts a rose, he is committed to dating that specific Bachelorette. But, what if a guy declines one of their roses? We soon find out and Rachel stares into the camera Office-style to ensure we're seeing what's happening.

Termayne (the "Crypto guy") is the first to reject Rachel's rose, telling her he's here for Gabby. Professor Jesse Palmer then has to come out to explain that if a guy rejects a rose, the Bachelorette CAN'T GIVE THAT ROSE TO ANYONE ELSE AND ESSENTIALLY FORFEITS IT. BUT THE GUY IS ALLOWED TO WAIT TO SEE IF HE'LL GET A ROSE FROM THE OTHER BACHELORETTE. I CAN'T STAND THIS SHOW.

I said Termayne was the first to reject Rachel because Alec and Meatball follow suit, rounding out our first group of guys to reject roses:

Excuse me while I climb the ladder to slide into Alec's DMs.

Rachel walks off camera for a bit and Gabby follows and she tells her how embarrassing this is. Gabby is like "uhh, yeah, this happened to me during the group date?" and Rachel all but dismisses her saying "BUT THIS IS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE." And tbh, the only part that's actually embarrassing is being rejected by the man who poured meat sauce on himself and was dressed as a giant baby earlier.  

Because Gabby is a real one, she doesn't give any of these guys roses (and I mean, she probably doesn't see a future with them, sure), so they're all sent home along with Chestnut Face.

And that's it! Or well, in the credits scene, we see Meatball come back to talk to Rachel because I mean, he didn't know Gabby wasn't going to give him a rose! So now he's ready to accept hers! And because this show is toxic, she is def going to let him stay, but guess we'll have to wait until next week to see!

Til then, find me creeping outside your window and also on Twitter and Instagram.

Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 2

In a series of events most surprising to me, I made it to Week 2! And I want to kick off this week's commentary by correcting one of my lookalike assessments from Week 1:

It finally hit me that Hayden actually gives strong Ryan Atwood vibes circa season 3 of The O.C.?? They have the same hair swoop! I know you're just as relieved as I am about this realization.

Since there was no Rose Ceremony last week, there's still 800 guys here, so let's jump in!

Honestly, the smartest way to evaluate the men

It's been 24 hours and we haven't seen the men shirtless. To rectify this, Rachel and Gabby plan a pool party for the whole group, but this gets canceled because of bad weather. Don't worry though, the shirtless mandate still stands and they host a "swimsuit pageant" indoors instead. That leads to some unnecessarily memorable moments such as this one with Quincey:

And also this one with "meatball enthusiast" James:

Watching this man pour jarred meat sauce on his body was probably one of the most foul things I've seen in a while. Can't you just smell this screenshot.

After seeing the guys dance around in speedos, a group of them are invited to hang out that evening with Rachel and Gabby. I don't know if this is a prediction of what's to come, but several of the guys basically give Rachel a friendship bracelet, aka hint that they're not romantically interested in her at all. One guy uses his time to tell her that he loves Harry Potter, especially listening to the Audible versions of the books and if that ain't the rallying cry for the friend zone, I don't know what is.

Rachel starts to feel exhausted, bogged down by all these friendship bracelets, until one guy steps up (but little does she know it's for both her and Gabby)....

"There has to come a time when they like the same person, right"

Logan's chapstick gets some major usage as he makes out with both women during the date. 

Why either woman likes him is beyond me. During his time with Gabby, she tells him he "exudes" confidence and he tells her "I love that word" and wow the way I could hear former Bachelor and boiled chicken looking man Arie's voice come screaming back into my brain. WHO "LOVES" THE WORD EXUDE???  

And I know I said Logan looks like a guy who just realized he's a ghost and is trying to blend in, but I'd like to revise that assessment. He looks like an amalgamation of every douchebag character from every teen drama ever created. Can't you just see him and that beard-he's-trying-to-use-to-create-a-jawline being rude to Joey Potter or Brooke Davis?

Anyway, during their chat before handing out group date roses, Rachel tells Gabby she's really into Logan and they kissed, to which Gabby's reaction is:

This is when we learn Gabby is a good ass friend because even though she's interested in Logan too (again, why tho), she doesn't say anything about her time with him. 

Logan ends up getting Rachel's group date rose while David Guetta gets Gabby's.

And now let's get to some solo dates so I can actually remember someone's name.

Rachel's first one-on-one with Jordan V.

During the first episode, drag racer Jordan told Rachel he was only here for her, so it makes sense for her to choose a guy who is clearly interested in her (more on this later). 

For the first part of the date, they float around in a zero gravity plane (this is actually pretty cool):

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Later, they have dinner in the Beast's house:

Complete with a rose and everything, but also don't get me started about how Beauty & The Beast is one of the worst Disney movies. 

They have a great conversation and seem to have a lot in common, especially since everyone here is deeply passionate about something — Rachel with flying planes, Jordan with drag racing and me with trying to escape this show. Things seem to be leading to Rachel easily giving Jordan a rose, but before she can decide, she needs to consult with Lumière:

When she returns, she tells Jordan that he's perfect for her and exactly the type of guy she asked for coming into this, which is exactly why she's sending him home. Of course, that makes sense. And the worst part is, Jordan doesn't even get to stick around to see a performance from country singers who are here because they support the show not because they are contractually obligated to because of some binding Disney/ABC agreement!

I'm sure that similar to Hilary Duff, they are just huge fans of the show.

Umm, and I guess based on this and also history, Rachel is actually only interested in guys who are not interested in her (see exhibit A: Clayton). Speaking of terrible guys....

Ah, so this is actually our villain

I guess I was wrong about that one Skarsgård looking man being the villain because this week we learn Chris is actually the worst person in the house. During some light conversation with a few of the guys, Chris takes the conversation on a detour into shitty guy town, a detour we knew was coming the moment he referred to Rachel and Gabby as "females." 

Chris, who has maybe gotten a grand total of 5 seconds with Rachel and Gabby, says he knows he'll be in the top four but it'll be a dealbreaker for him if "whoever" he's interested in has sex with other guys during Fantasy Suites. Which, thinking he'll make it to Fantasy Suites is a fantasy in itself. And this is obviously problematic for a whole list of reasons, but to summarize, this man's got to go. And not just go home like from the show, I mean, he's got to go to space so he can leave all of the women on planet Earth alone.

As is the case with any villain, we'll get more of Chris later. But let's get to some good news....

Gabby's first one-on-one with Nate

Cutie pie Nate gets the first solo date with Gabby and when he arrives at the Bachelorette(s) house to meet her, Rachel is also just hanging out in their space, which like, why not let Gabby have her own time in the spotlight since this is her date???? 

But okay, I guess I can give her the benefit of the doubt since she technically lives in the house too.

Jk, I have rescinded that benefit because we then get this sad clip of her staring at Gabby and Nate leaving on their date (which is a helicopter ride, standard first date stuff):

Based on this (sort of depressing) scene and the earlier scenes of Rachel getting friend zoned by several guys, my wild prediction is this is planting a seed for her to leave the season early. Maybe she decides this "journey" hasn't been the best for her? Now THAT would actually be the most dramatic season yet, okay Jesse Palmer.

Back to Gabby because remember this is her date. Gabby and Nate fly around LA in a helicopter until it brings them to this special "surprise":

90% of the time any Bachelor/Bachelorette says they have a "surprise" on the date, it is ALWAYS a hot tub. And this one was insanely placed in like a parking lot, no lie.

Later they have dinner inside Union Station and Nate tells Gabby he's a girl dad with a 6-year-old daughter who made his heart burst open the first time he met her (Y'ALL, THIS MAN IS PERFECT). Gabby tells him about the strong relationship she had with her dad in the absence of her mom and okay listen, Nate is for sure in Gabby's top 3 at least. 

He of course gets a rose and if Gabby doesn't marry him, I will.

With all of the dates out of the way, it's time to finally get to our first Rose Ceremony. But first...

Is there some sort of weird bet going on

About who can wear the most cropped pants?? Guy on the right (who knows what his name is) is FOR SURE wearing capris, there's no way he stands up and those pants are even close to his feet. And not to bring you on this scentual journey with me, but I bet every room in that house smells after all these dudes wearing shoes with no socks take their shoes off.

Oh good, a dramatic Rose Ceremony

Right, so ahead of the Rose Ceremony, it's time for Chris to rise to his full villain status.

A few of the guys who heard Chris' disgusting Fantasy Suites spiel approach Rachel to tell her about it and her response is exactly correct:

You can tell she is disgusted, but also wondering "Who is Chris??"

Rachel immediately finds Gabby to tell her and her response is equally as correct:

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But with bonus points because Gabby says "I haven't even had one conversation with Chris, so why is he thinking about Fantasy Suites," you have to cackle.

Now that our game of telephone has gone from the guys to Rachel to Gabby, it only makes sense for it to  circle back to the source — Chris. 

Pretty sure Chris thinks this is good that he's getting time with both women, but before he can finish saying "nice to meet you," Gabby gets right to the point, asking if he thinks it's appropriate to be talking about Fantasy Suites when they literally just learned his name. Chris, being the shitty guy he is, defends what he said WHILE ALSO calling them females, which wow, never doubt the multi-tasking abilities of a terrible guy.

Ultimately, they ask him to leave, which he does......for 20 seconds.

He walks back in and gathers the guys who told Rachel and Gabby about what he said because he can't believe that after revealing to them that he is the worst, they would go on to tell the two women they're all trying to marry that he is in fact the worst. He barely has one leg on his high horse before Rachel and Gabby discover he's back:

They ask him to leave AGAIN and this time, he actually does. And that concludes Chris' rise and fall as a villain. Since this all happened in the span of one episode, I'm assuming the producers will find someone else to fill the void, maybe get back to the Skarsgård option.

Oh yeah, there's also a Rose Ceremony, guess we can't forget about that.

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It's our first one and we learn that Rachel and Gabby are giving roses to the guys "they both" want to continue to get to know, which um okay sure, but eventually they're getting their own roses right. Otherwise this is a little sisterwives'ish (Or brotherhusbands? What should we call this TLC show). 

Six guys are sent home and as predicted last week, that includes #1 hot guy and shipping executive Matt:

Don't worry though, I'm here if he needs any help with his packages (THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY JOKE LIKE THIS, JUST LET ME HAVE IT).

And that's it! We're down to 21 men. See you next week as we maybe start to learn some of their names. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter and Instagram.