Let's chat about The Bachelorette - Week 5

This week's commentary is brought to you by Rachel's bejeweled turtleneck:

This reminds me of the days trudging through racks at Forever21, when you'd see what appeared to be a normal looking top and pull it out only to reveal it was in fact, bejeweled. And probably said something like "i'M sO FaNcY." More on this specific top later.

This week we're leaving France on the S.S. Virgin and on our way to Belgium! 

Because it's important that the embarrassing stench of this show is spread equally across the entire European Union. Let's jump in!

"Everyone is leaving me"

As a reminder, Logan ended last week feeling even more certain about his feelings for Gabby instead of Rachel, which he dealt with by....accepting a rose from Rachel. After this week's group date card is delivered, he decides it's finally time to break the news to Rachel that his tiny mouth only wants tiny kisses from Gabby.

I'm sorry, but there's no way this man is 26. He's at least 45, just here with the investigative facts.

"26-year-old" Logan admits that when the women split up their roses, he thought he'd for sure get one from Gabby, but after he didn't, he couldn't forget his connection with her. As Rachel realizes she's being dumped again, she's like, why the fuck did I drown my hands in self-tanner for this:

This is now the fourth man to tell her he doesn't want to date her, but luckily on the fifth one, she'll get a gift card to Cheesecake Factory! And before I move on, can y'all let me know if her hands are the same color as these Belgian waffles:

They're from some other point in the show. Honestly, her hands might be toastier. 

After breaking up with Rachel, the Tiny Mouth marathon continues as he heads over to let Gabby know she's won the amazing opportunity to date this super great face.

Gabby admits he was the only guy both of them liked, a statement I simply cannot process or begin to understand. The only reasoning I can come up with is he's tall and they're tall'matized? Because why else would two women see this man's face + squirrely mouth and think "oh God yes, more please." 

Right, so unfortunately, Gabby is interested in letting Logan join her group of guys, but she wants to check in with Rachel first, who as you can imagine isn't exactly super pumped about it. 

Rachel says it was "humiliating" to be dumped by another guy, but she supports Gabby and wants her to keep Logan around if she needs to explore that connection. And tbh, in this situation, Rachel is winning out because she doesn't have to make out with that microscopic mouth anymore.

Now that we've fully set a negative and upsetting tone for the episode, seems like the right time to get to the dates!

Rachel's sort-of group date

So obviously being dumped by Chinstrap Beard doesn't put Rachel in the best headspace for a group date especially since, as she notes, it's TWO WEEKS before hometowns and she should have 7 guys here, but there's only 5 (aka she's mad she hasn't had the opportunity to dump more guys). Which, I'm sorry, THERE'S ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL HOMETOWNS????? These Bachelorettes have talked to these guys for MAYBE a total of 1 hour each, so sure that timing makes sense, let's introduce men who are one step above "stranger" to your families.

Anyway, since Jesse Palmer's only purpose on this show is to deliver bad news (when the cocktail party is canceled, how this is the last rose and if you don't get it, you have to leave, etc.), it's not looking good for the group when he meets the guys:

While wearing Chris Evans' "Knives Out" sweater, where did he get that. 

He tells them Rachel is canceling the day portion of the date, but she'll still have a cocktail party later, which great, glad that was preserved. They won't get to explore Belgium with their potential wife, but the guys will still get to talk to her inside a cruise ship conference room. Perfect.

During the cocktail party that night, Tiny Tyler brings Rachel into some sort of mirror closet with twinkle lights. 

She says, "I'm in the stars!" and he responds with "You ARE the stars" and I responded by eating my TV so I could projectile vomit it straight out the window. I have reported this exchange to the FBI because it must be illegal.

Tino kicks off his time with Rachel by telling her that he'll "take any piece of her any day," which okay didn't know it was cannibalism o'clock. 

He says he wants to be her best friend who she can talk to even when she's upset, like she was today, because just canceling the date made him "feel unseen." Rachel reassures him that she sees him because I mean, duh he's not a ghost and in the end, he gets the group date rose. 

Well, good to see Rachel evenly applied that Sunkist shade of self-tanner all over. Lordy, I haven't seen that shade since I was deep into tanning beds in high school (I KNOW IT'S BAD OKAY BUT I HAD TAN LINES FROM SOCCER, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, NOT FRY IN A TANNING BED???)

If those orange arms don't pick Tino in the end, I'll be shocked.

Gabby's actually fun group date

Gabby takes her guys out on a Belgium day-of-fun group date where they first prioritize eating waffles (my kind of date) and since there's a whipped cream dispenser, Gabby reacts like any reasonable person would:

The people's Bachelorette, that's what I say, because I have never seen a whipped cream dispenser, no matter the size, that I have not wanted to eat directly from. Unlike Tino, I feel very seen.

They also participate in some sort of rock-paper-scissors game where the winner gets to slap the loser with a fish.

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I couldn't tell if these were real fish or just prop fish that they wetted down, but honestly, both options sound terrible. I am also sorry for saying "wetted down," as you can tell, this show is rotting my brain.

While the guys are waiting for the evening portion of the date to begin, they're all in a great mood, talking about how nice it is that they're a small group and will each get quality time with Rachel. And wait, did someone say there's a mood to be ruined:

Because Logan always answers that call. He fills the guys in more than his beard is and all of them are understandably annoyed. In fact, Jason is so annoyed he even tries to put him to sleep with his face:

It doesn't work.

Once Gabby arrives, Nate is the first to pull her away to chat and he tells her that he supports her no matter what and you guys, look how intensely he looks at her when she speaks:

Also love that he is now wearing Chris Evans' "Knives Out" sweater, that sweater is really making the rounds. 

The only other group date note I want to make is that I finally realized Erich doesn't just look like one of the Skarsgård brothers — there is also something about him that reminds me of this potato wedge:

I don't know what it is, maybe the fact that both are not good at exhibiting human emotions.

Nate obviously gets the group date rose and he's so excited about it, I love this man. 

Sorry, that's over the top, what I mean is I am in love with him and ready to be a stepmother, thanks.

"Aven is one of the most handsome men I've ever seen"

Rachel chooses Aven for this week's solo date and tbh, I think Rachel is obsessed with him because he's probably the hottest man she's ever dated or been around. 

Aven truly is one of the hottest guys to be on this show, but let's also remember what Rachel is comparing him to. The last guy she dated (Clayton) looked like a bottle of Pepto Bismol, so she can really only go up.

Anyway, they walk around the city before "happening" to come across Belgian women making veils, so this obviously happens:

Love how it's not even a finished veil, just raw material that could be used for a veil or a curtain, and the way Rachel's wearing it makes her look like a nun. But hey, you gotta give it to her, she's consistent with her interest in making out with dudes inches away from people who are trying to actually share something about their culture with her.

Later at dinner, Aven opens up about his relationship with his mom, saying he didn't see her much after his parents divorced when he was younger, but they became really close as he got older. He shares this rubber bracelet she made him for good luck, WHICH HE PROCEEDS TO GIVE TO RACHEL:

Thankfully, he says she can just "keep it for a while," because otherwise, who in the actual hell gives away something this meaningful to a woman you're just now having a conversation that's longer than 5 minutes with. And logistically, she clearly has no room to wear this, based on her bejeweled sleeves (yes this is that bejeweled turtleneck mentioned earlier, someone in the wardrobe department clearly hates her).

Aven obviously gets a rose.

Gabby's headliner is David Guetta

I'm mostly including this screenshot because I cannot remember David Guetta's real name. Gabby chooses Johnny for this week's solo date and she continues to have better dates than Rachel as they spend the day at a Belgian family's brewery.

They sample several beers and wait, that woman is now wearing the "Knives Out" sweater! It's hard to keep track! I like how that snack tray has what appears to be a little dish of barbecue sauce (I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY CHOCOLATE, BUT THINKING IT'S A WILD DISH OF BBQ SAUCE IS FUNNIER).

After some beer tasting, they move onto a "special surprise," which normally means a hot tub, but this time it's a lukewarm tub full of beer:

This is all part of a "spa" experience, which bodes well for Gabby who says spa days are where she "thrives." And honestly, she does thrive:

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Love that it looks like she's just slapping him with a bunch of cilantro.

Later, they have dinner in what appears to be King’s Landing:

I thought Cersei destroyed it all! 

David Guetta opens up, telling Gabby that while he's a world renowned DJ, he's probably the least confident person ever. He admits that he's super guarded in relationships at first because of being hurt in the past and struggles with depression and feeling bad about himself. Gabby tells him that she struggles with anxiety and depression too and this conversation was exactly what she was looking for to help her get to know him on a deeper level. He gets a rose.

So heading into the Rose Ceremony, Tino and Aven have roses from Rachel and Nate and Johnny have roses from Gabby.

We all know who the front runners are, but let's keep this charade going

Is this a Rose Ceremony or are they about to play each other in Family Feud.

To get to the point, Rachel sends home Meatball and Gabby sends home Michael and Mario (who received her First Impression Rose!!). It's pretty clear that Rachel's front runner is Tino and Gabby's is Nate, which speaking of Nate...

During the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Gabby GIVES NATE A GIFT BECAUSE SHE WAS THINKING OF HIM AND IT'S BELGIAN CHOCOLATE FOR HIS DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE KNOWS HE'S BEEN MISSING HER:

THIS IS MOTHER FRACKING ADORABLE AND I AM OBSESSED WITH THEM. Okay, not obsessed, calm down, what I mean is if I can't have Nate, I'm glad my good friend Gabby can. But also, if she breaks his heart, I will be waiting in the wings with superglue.

And that's it! This show literally just figured out the logistics of this season, namely that the women should have different groups of guys, and we're already nearing Hometown Dates. I mean, we'll never know why these relationships don't last.

See you next week! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 4

This week's commentary is brought to you by Gabby realizing she didn't choose the right hairstyle for trying on berets:

For reasons I'll soon scream about, this woman really really really really really should've been the only Bachelorette this season. 

About the beret — we're in France! And this time, instead of having everyone stay in a French chateau, they're all staying....on a Virgin cruise ship.

Not gonna lie, it feels incredibly random TO RENT OUT AN ENTIRE CRUISE SHIP especially since we don't have any self-proclaimed virgins this season. Because this would've been the point when the producers pressured someone like Colton into saying something like "Like this cruise ship, I am also virgin" (wow I could be a producer).

But before we get to France, we need to see what little drama seed is planted at the beginning of the episode to flourish into a shit bush by the end.

Hayden, more like Hades

As a reminder, K-Mart Ryan Atwood, who is def not tall enough to ride the rides, was rude to Gabby last week, telling her she was "rough around the edges," which didn't align with his pristine values. This week, while sitting outside with a couple of the guys, he spews off the following insults in the span of 30 seconds:

• Calls Gabby and Rachel bitches and says he doesn't trust them
• Specifically calls Gabby a bitch by saying "Well bitch, don't use that word to describe yourself" since she has described herself as rough around the edges but didn't like him doing it (aka he can't believe there is anything he isn't allowed to say)
• Says Rachel's boobs "don't hold a candle" to his ex's (wtf, who holds candles near boobs anyway)

Now with this little Napoleon's comments stewing in the background, let's get to France!

This week's solo dates: Jason and Tino

Gabby picks Jason because he's super shy and she's hoping one-on-one time will help him open up. For their date, they first have to climb the stairway to heaven IN THE RAIN:

They then try on berets (please reference earlier photo of Gabby looking like a bald baby) before meeting back up with Rachel and Tino, who spent their afternoon eating crepes and by "eating crepes" I mean eating each others faces:

The owner of this bakery was all "come in and make some crepes!" and they proceeded to do this instead while the crepes were probably burnt to a crisp. I'm also imagining the owner standing literally 2 ft away (this was a tiny little shop) thinking "this is not how you make crepes."

Right, so these four meet up and at some point, Rachel tells, I mean, asks Gabby if she needs to go to the bathroom (so they can talk about their dates). They proceed to get up and walk approx four steps away from the guys. 

I don't know how bathrooms work in France, but I hope those long jackets aren't just shields for them to be openly peeing in front of that counter.

Later, during the evening portion of their dates, Gabby and Jason have dinner in what appears to be the entrance to a P.F. Chang's:

Jason really bares his soul, telling Gabby that he played tennis growing up, but it made him competitive to the point that he didn't enjoy it anymore. Phew, didn't know we'd be getting that deep and neither did Gabby because this is her face as he tells her about his tennis struggles:

It's hard to follow Jason sharing something as meaningful and insightful as changing what hobbies he's interested in, but Gabby tries to. She tells Jason about the difficult relationship with her mom, saying that she still loves her even though her mom "doesn't have the tools" to love her back. They soon realize they've both been through therapy (which again, everyone on this show REALLY needs it) and Jason is sweet, but wow, so incredibly boring. 

There's something about his face that makes me want to go to sleep. Like, he is the personification of a lullaby. I have to move on because his face is like a sleep podcast and I'm about to doze off. But I guess Gabby likes that nap life because she gives him a rose.

Meanwhile, Rachel is on a date in a cathedral, obviously:

He's like super busy, but I'm pretty sure even God took a moment to be like "wtf??? who approved this??" 

Rachel learns that Tino is ready to get married, which is good to know since she is the Bachelorette and this show is called The Bachelorette and the point is to get married. We also learn that Rachel is just reusing her old cue cards from her date last week with Zach as she stops just short of also telling Tino that she basically loves him. So that's good. He obviously gets a rose.

Now with the solo dates out of the way, let's get to the rest of the idiots.

"This is my first group date alone with my boyfriends"

The rest of Gabby's guys are put through a boxing group date where they'll have to "fight" for Gabby's love, which to be honest, I didn't mind and we'll never know why. Jk, here's why:

When the actual matches get underway, Rachel and her guys show up to watch because, well, I honestly don't know why Rachel is crashing Gabby's date AGAIN. Like damn, can't Gabby do anything on her own without Rachel popping up like a whack-a-mole. Mostly noting this to share this screenshot:

I didn't realize how miniature Hayden was until seeing him stand around the other guys and wow this man can't be taller than 4'11". He looks like Zach's annoying younger brother who Zach was forced to drag along on the show.

Anyway, back to Gabby because remember this is her group date. The guys are placed into pairs to fight each other, but before they box, they each get on the mic to profess their feelings to Gabby, which is pretty adorable. But this is simply too much for Rachel, who cannot handle all of these men paying attention to Gabby during Gabby's group date and not to her.

She has a full-on meltdown because none of her guys are "even trying to make eye contact" with her MAYBE BECAUSE THEY'RE WATCHING GUYS LITERALLY FIGHT EACH OTHER IN A RING?? This was truly an insane reaction. Like babes, you're on ANOTHER WOMAN'S DATE CRYING ABOUT WHY NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU?? This would be like if I went to Gemma Chan's movie premiere and then had a tantrum on the red carpet because no one was paying attention to me, woman who was not invited and jumped the security gate to get into this premiere. 

Back to Gabby, because AGAIN, this is her date. She chooses Spencer as the overall winner of the day, meaning he gets to spend some one-on-one time with her that evening.

Gabby likes Spencer because he's "tall, dark and handsome," plus he was in the military (IG tells me he went to West Point) and Gabby grew up in a military family, so they have that connection. They talk more, Spencer touches his bare shins a bunch because he's one of the men whose dress pants are capris, they both ignore a lovely mini coot board and ultimately, Gabby gives him a rose.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Rachel is still spiraling after having to endure not being the center of attention during Gabby's group date. She decides to confront her group of guys and tells them that she felt more "wanted" by thumb head Clayton (who dumped her and made her look like a fool on live TV) than by any of them I guess because, I don't know, none of them tried to slow dance with her during Gabby's group date. Zach's reaction summarizes mine and I think, everyone's:

Look, at this point, I think it's just better for everyone's well-being if Rachel drops out of this. But instead, let's just keep moving along, ignoring how deep this is negatively affecting both women because we've got more stupid dates to see!

Rachel's group date that Gabby doesn't interrupt

We quickly learn that the producers also want Rachel to leave and are doing everything they can to get that to happen because for her group date, she first has to endure the guys "flirting" with her, which encourages this:

Ethan proceeds to crawl on the floor in such a creepy and strange way that my ovaries immediately put their out-of-office responses on. The follow-up activities included having the guys make-out with their hands and then of course this:

Rachel has to sniff ALL of their armpits and at this point, based on how terrible this entire experience has been, I'm surprised the next activity wasn't "Okay Rachel, now we're going to have the guys throw tomatoes at you to show they're ready to ketchup with love!"

At the end of this extremely bizarre day, Rachel says she "feels wanted now," which ummm that makes sense because THIS IS ACTUALLY YOUR GROUP DATE??????? YESTERDAY WAS GABBY'S DATE?????? AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS????? And ultimately, she chooses to spend more one-on-one time with Tyler that evening.

Tyler takes the time to ask Rachel to prom because his mom said he could borrow the car so he can even pick her up. But actually, he talks about his last serious relationship and how he bought a house for them (didn't know 17-year-olds could buy houses, but go off) before she dumped him, but that it was all worth it to feel love and he still believes risking pain is worth it, to which Rachel is like:

Hearing that he's ready to get hurt makes Rachel more ecstatic than when I see my Chili's sizzling plate of fajitas coming to my table, so she of course gives him a rose.

To recap, heading into the Rose Ceremony, Rachel has given Tino and Tyler roses and Gabby has given Jason and Spencer roses.

All of these men really, really need therapy

I'm going to quickly summarize Hades' rise and fall as this episode's villain. 

During the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, he uses his time with Rachel to talk about his dog that is dying. Rachel is like "cool story bro." Hades can't get over Rachel not being obsessed with his dog that she's never met and proceeds to spend the whole night complaining to all oxygen molecules in a 100-mile radius. 

While Hades is complaining and pouting, Meatball decides it's time to tell Rachel about his earlier negative remarks about the women.

This, for good reason, infuriates Gabby who pulls Hayden for a chat. When she asks what he thinks she wants to talk to him about, HE SAYS HIS DOG. 

And tbh, both of these people are WILDLY self-centered with embarrassingly unwarranted main character energy, so maybe they actually do belong together. Hayden of course denies everything even though it's literally on tape and Rachel thankfully sends his ass home.

This is what I imagine every woman in Hayden's life, from his mom to the women he dates, looks like when he hugs them.

With another toxic man out of the picture, who will fill the void?

Ah yes, thanks tiny mouth man. He's been struggling this episode because he still feels attracted to Gabby and he doesn't know when to say something to Rachel (my recommendation: before proposal day, probably). Instead of actually dealing with the situation like an adult, this bearded baby decides it's best to just accept Rachel's rose because it keeps him here AND CLOSE TO GABBY. I HATE IT HERE.

Other rose notes: with Hades already gone, Rachel sends home Jordan and Gabby sends home Kirk and Quincey. I still don't actually care about any of these potential couples except for Gabby and Nate, so I'll close this post with this shot of Nate: 

LOOK AT HIM IN HIS LITTLE EDWARD CULLEN POPPED COLLAR COAT. I know it seems like I make a lot of Twilight references but that's only because I'm embarrassing.

See you all next week! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 3

It's Week 3! And everyone is finally realizing that this season was a very bad idea because having two Bachelorettes means all the power is held by the men as they try to "decide" which woman is better for them as if all of them are on their own individual seasons of The Bachelor. I hate it here. 

Here's Rachel showing what I look like every week while watching:

Except, I'm def not smiling. I somehow feel that shielding everything but one eye from viewing this monstrosity of a show helps. With that visual in mind, let's jump in!

Wait, why is Hunter back

Zach, who is the 6 ft version of short king Hunter from Katie's waste of a season, gets Rachel's one-on-one date this week. As a reminder, Rachel has sent home 100% of the men she's gone on solo dates with (sorry, drag racing guy from last week whose name I don't remember), so some of the guys are worried, including Kirk, who owns the world's largest pair of brows.

He doesn't always surf the internet, but when he does, he brows.

Academically minded Kirk has the week's biggest scientific breakthrough as he says that Rachel is using the dates to ... help her decide if she can see a future with the guy or if she needs to send him home. Great job, Kirk! You've discovered the point of the show, can't get anything past those brows.

For their date, Rachel and Zach are joined by Karamo, who gives them the "red carpet treatment" before they attend a movie premiere later.

I GUESS "RED CARPET TREATMENT" MEANS IGNORING THAT COSTCO SIZED BOWL OF XXXL SHRIMP AND CRAB CLAWS?????? I can definitively say that these shrimp are the biggest turn on of the entire episode.

We soon learn that the "movie premiere" they're attending is actually just a PowerPoint presentation featuring photos and videos of both of them growing up.

But while walking in, they get to experience people who have been paid to take photos of them like they're actually A-list celebs, which I'm not even knocking, I would love to do the same.

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But look, we need an investigative report into who is in charge of dressing Rachel because whoever it is, clearly has a grudge against her. This dress looks like a bedazzled bottle of mustard topped with dried up cotton candy. I'm also dying at the woman standing near the street, not even bothering to take photos, but more confused about why photos are being taken of these randos.

To summarize, Zach and Rachel find out they both used to spend time with their dads at the airport watching planes take off (which ok, is cute). And this is enough to solidify their connection as Rachel gives Zach a rose and Zach admits he's ALREADY falling for Rachel.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch

While Rachel is on her date, Gabby figures she'll drop by the mansion to hang out with the guys and she assumes they'll welcome the visit since, you know, she's the Bachelorette and that's the name of this show. However, she soon has to witness a phenomenon that occurs 100% of the time more than 3 men get together — the bro'ing out effect.

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She thinks at least some of them will take the opportunity to chat with her, the Bachelorette, but nope, they're all in full Chad mode. This obviously upsets Gabby, which, we'll dive into soon, but first...

Gabby's one-on-one with Erich

Skarsgård brother Erich gets this week's solo date with Gabby and they're joined by Gabby's grandpa (who I guess was a memorable guest star last season).

They kick things off by participating in an "intention setting ceremony" inside a yurt, which is exactly as caucasian as you're imagining.

This looks like the sale area in the back of a West Elm. 

Later, they have dinner outside AND I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THAT CHANDELIER IS HANGING FROM????

Like, all that is around them is trees and such, did they really hang a chandelier off a tree??? I don't know why I question anything this show does??

Gabby takes the opportunity to open up and be super vulnerable with Erich, telling him about how she's estranged from her mom and how she "may never know what it's like to have a mother's love" and y'all, WE ALL NEED TO GATHER AROUND AND HUG HER, OKAY. With emotions so high, Gabby walks away for a bit to talk to a producer, at one point asking:

She questions if she's the "right person" to be the Bachelorette, which I think we can all agree Gabby is actually far too good to be the Bachelorette.

She eventually returns to Erich and explains how hard this has been and they kiss. When Gabby asks if Erich will accept the date rose, he responds with "Yeah," which oh by the way, is the only response slash comfort he's offered her throughout this entire emotional conversation. 

I've seen more emotional response and understanding from a Magic 8 Ball. I don't know where else to insert this joke, but Erich is a little bich and I hope he's sent home soon.

"There's going to be a massive group date"

The remaining clowns get to take part in this week's group date, making it a NINETEEN ON TWO date. And next on the mandatory date checklist is making the Bachelorettes pose for photos in wedding dresses.

This remains one of the wackest (and most insane) dates the show pushes. Everyone knows you don't show up in a wedding dress until AT LEAST the fourth date, duh.

The alleged point of the date is for Gabby and Rachel to see who they can "picture" themselves with, which can only be discovered by having the men wear a variety of costumes before posing for photos:

Jacob is given some sort of leaf to wear (and tbh that giant black box covering him is generous), which actually makes sense because he is the biggest chestnut face (aka, great body + hideous face, like he's got a great chest not face). 

The photo session produces shots like this:

So yes, it's as incredibly stupid as you were thinking. Also, I could've gone my entire life without seeing Meatball dressed as a giant hairy baby.

A couple guys who the producers don't hate get to fake propose because you know, this show respects how serious it means to get engaged and married. And while this date has been so cringe, one perfect moment emerges with Nate:

HE TELLS GABBY THAT "FOREVER CAN NEVER BE LONG ENOUGH" WITH HER AND PHEW, IF THAT DOESN'T TAP INTO MY DEEPEST TWILIGHT TENDENCIES. Would honestly prefer to watch an entire season about Nate and Gabby's love story as opposed to whatever it is that we're actually witnessing.

The happiness is short lived though because...

Wait, you mean having two Bachelorettes was a bad idea?

I don't know who thought it was empowering for Gabby and Rachel to share a group of men when it was bound to make one or both of them feel bad at some point as these dildos think this season is all about who THEY choose. This is made apparent during the evening portion of the group date when SEVERAL men tell Gabby she's not the one for them, including these two brunette bozos:

Tiny Tyler on the left is actually the nicest about it, telling Gabby that he "gravitates" toward Rachel, which is good because the man can't be heavier than a pea, so some level of gravity to keep him on the ground is necessary. K-Mart Ryan Atwood on the right (Hayden) is ruder, telling Gabby that his "morals" align better with Rachel because Gabby is "rough around the edges," which seriously wtf. So Gabby has had a harder life and knows how to speak her mind? FLING THIS MAN INTO SPACE. 

And the most vile garbage of all:

Chestnut Face tells Gabby that even if she was the only Bachelorette, he would leave, BUT he thinks she's hot (oh great, thanks). I can't stand this show for many reasons, but mostly for giving these men who are 3s AT BEST a platform to reject a 10.

Because of the men's bullshittery, Gabby decides not to give a rose out, which not only surprises the trash ass men, but Rachel as well.

Oh btw, Rachel, who's been having a great night, gives her rose to Aven.

After the date, Gabby fills Rachel in on what happened, before maturely coming to the conclusion that she's "not here to teach dudes how to act." Rachel asks if she wants to address it with the whole group or if she wants her to and Gabby says no. And look, I'm not here to tell Rachel how to be a good friend, but if a stank ass man was rude to my best friend, I'd be like a bat out of hell, that's all I'm saying.

"It is so messy"

Now that everyone is on the same page and has realized the concept for this season is insanely stupid and unfair to the women, some changes are made to the Rose Ceremony (oh and we're skipping the cocktail party this week).

Rachel and Gabby now have their own separate sets of roses to give out, which makes way more sense than the sisterwives thing they were doing before. Another stipulation — once a guy accepts a rose, he is committed to dating that specific Bachelorette. But, what if a guy declines one of their roses? We soon find out and Rachel stares into the camera Office-style to ensure we're seeing what's happening.

Termayne (the "Crypto guy") is the first to reject Rachel's rose, telling her he's here for Gabby. Professor Jesse Palmer then has to come out to explain that if a guy rejects a rose, the Bachelorette CAN'T GIVE THAT ROSE TO ANYONE ELSE AND ESSENTIALLY FORFEITS IT. BUT THE GUY IS ALLOWED TO WAIT TO SEE IF HE'LL GET A ROSE FROM THE OTHER BACHELORETTE. I CAN'T STAND THIS SHOW.

I said Termayne was the first to reject Rachel because Alec and Meatball follow suit, rounding out our first group of guys to reject roses:

Excuse me while I climb the ladder to slide into Alec's DMs.

Rachel walks off camera for a bit and Gabby follows and she tells her how embarrassing this is. Gabby is like "uhh, yeah, this happened to me during the group date?" and Rachel all but dismisses her saying "BUT THIS IS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE." And tbh, the only part that's actually embarrassing is being rejected by the man who poured meat sauce on himself and was dressed as a giant baby earlier.  

Because Gabby is a real one, she doesn't give any of these guys roses (and I mean, she probably doesn't see a future with them, sure), so they're all sent home along with Chestnut Face.

And that's it! Or well, in the credits scene, we see Meatball come back to talk to Rachel because I mean, he didn't know Gabby wasn't going to give him a rose! So now he's ready to accept hers! And because this show is toxic, she is def going to let him stay, but guess we'll have to wait until next week to see!

Til then, find me creeping outside your window and also on Twitter and Instagram.