Shit Chloe Says

I love opening my GMail to see these missed GChat messages:

Chloe:  "Hello!!"
Chloe:  "Are you there?"
Chloe:  "I know you are there"
Chloe:  "I see FBook activity"

And sometimes, if the Chloe realizes I can't talk on GChat at work, but for some reason Facebook Chat works, she will say the following:

"I will wait for you on the Facebook."

Go find your own stalker, Chloe is taken.

Deep Thoughts On ... Pretty Little Liars

As you have probably realized by now, I have the media taste of a 14-year-old girl.  Thus, a series like "Pretty Little Liars" of course appeals to me.  Drama! High School! Gee golly, a novel of a concept! I joke, but I really do like the show.  Maybe this is why I have trouble forming an appreciation for a sophisticated show about adults with relatable storylines like HBO's "Girls" (which, by the way, based on the advice of my friend Greg, I kept watching.  Second review to come later).  Right, so, I've been getting caught up on on the newest season that started a few weeks ago and thought I'd share with you some deep, thought-provoking thoughts that the show makes me ponder.  (Yes, I said thought-provoking thoughts.)

Apparently, they cannot afford electricity.
Which is odd, since, like in every other dream-world teen drama, all of their parents are pretty rich.  So then, why, I must ask, do they insist on doing everything in the dark?  I mean, I know when I'm snooping through my psychologist's desk drawers or hacking into my principal's computer, I like to have some lights on.  So I can properly see how to handle things.  This was also noticed by my Mom, who greatly dislikes the show, who stated, "Those girls are silly.  Why are they always running around in the dark?"  Preach, girl.  Which, running in the dark is hard.  And they're always in situations where they have to run in the dark through the woods or through a graveyard.  Really?  If I ever had to run through anywhere in the dark, you better believe I'd have flashlights, lamps, and the Bat signal attached to my body.

And what is with the power always getting cut off?  And then, after the lights in their house "suddenly" shuts off, they just wander around in the dark, asking why the lights are off.  Bitch, please.  One time in high school I came home after it was dark and the power was off.  I literally stood outside (you know, plenty of witnesses) and called my parents repeatedly.  Let me note, they were attending a mandatory parents meeting for my senior trip.  BUT LISTEN, THE POWER WAS OUT.  THERE COULD'VE BEEN MURDERERS LURKING.  OR GHOSTS.  OR MADONNA.  Anyway, I essentially begged them to come home and waited outside until they arrived.  You know, much safer that way.

Lucy Hale continues to be on my Mortal Enemies List.
As I have previously noted, Lucy Hale, who plays as Aria on the show, is atrocious.  My great disdain for her is mostly rooted in the fact that she LOST THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS, PANTS.  Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.  It was a pivotal moment in history.  In Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, when they all get to Greece, fracking Lucy Hale shows up in her atrociousness and admits that she lost the pants.  THE MAGICAL PANTS.  That bitch.  AND, to make matters worse, NO ONE PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE.  Listen, all I'm saying is that if me and my friends found a pair of magical jeans that fit all of us perfectly then someone lost them, I'd punch Lucy Hale in the face.  Even though she wouldn't have lost the pants in the situation, I'd still punch her.  It seems right.

I want all of Spencer Hastings wardrobe.
So, in the show, Spencer is sort of the alpha-female or HBIC if you will.  And what does every HBIC need?  An intricately fashionable wardrobe.  What's most interesting about her clothes is that she sort of dresses like a hip old woman who occasionally gets high. Medicinally, of course.  Lots of high waisted shorts with belts and chiffon tops.  I approve.  And plenty of cardigans and sweater vests.  WHATEVER, I love a good sweater vest.

Shay Mitchell has the best hair, ever.
No really.  And as someone who went to high school with a high percentage of Asians, I'd say I'm a pretty fair judge of hair.  Unfortunately, luxuriously silky Asian hair is yet another Asian feature I do not hold.  This could be in part to the years of hair straightening and having a White last name.  Anyway, if there was a way for me to go to the salon and get a Shay-perm, which would consist of making my hair look like hers, I would.  Maybe this is something she should consider marketing.  Since I know she obviously reads this blog, heed my advice, Shay.

Wearing a black hoodie like "A" does makes you superhuman.
There is an episode where Hanna literally hits "A" with her car.  I mean hits her.  And "A" just runs off like nothing happened.  Obviously the black hoodie she wears gives her superhuman strength while also acting as super-durable body armor.  Also, "A" is able to follow them around without them noticing.  Even through the woods.  Have you ever tried to sneak around in the woods when there's leaves on the ground?  You're about as unnoticeable as an elephant.

And thus, these are my thoughts.  I hope these thought-provoking thoughts on Pretty Little Liars proved to be thought-provoking for you.  Now I'm off to complete my plan of how to punch Lucy Hale in the face.  Toodaloo!

Ear Candy

FINALLY a new Passion Pit single.  Kind of a cool concept for a video.  Though, in the beginning, I would've gone with a dachshund instead of a beagle.  Let's be honest.


I'd like to note, I am still disgruntled over Passion Pit performing at UNC's Homecoming the year AFTER I graduated.  What is this nonsense?  I will forgive you, UNC, in time.  Til then though, I just continually watch this vid that my friend Sammi took of the concert.  You know, vicariously living through her.
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Ear Candy

I've decided this is the song I'll play as I move into my overpriced, undersized New York apartment in the very near future.  This is the stereotype I assume I'll fulfill as a poor journalist.  Don't rain on my parade.  Now listen, and let's be hipsters together!

Shit Chloe Says

I decided to start this daily/weekly/however often type of post based on the fact that my roommate from college arbitrarily says some of the most insightfully entertaining things to me.

Remember, she's in med school.  Thus, these are the musings of a future doctor.

In a recent, one-liner email:

"Horrible girl got fat! #winning #sorryimnotsorry"

Later followed by:

"I mean, I know I binge eat, but at least I still look good!"

Best friends forever.

What Did We Learn From the Grammys?

So the Grammys are kind of like the Oscars for music. Although, the fact that T-Pain has actually won a few of them somewhat takes away from their legitimacy. Prior to the show, I laughed for a good 3 days straight over his comment about "being completely surprised" over not being nominated this year. That's like Duke being surprised about their student body being voted ugliest in the nation, just ridiculous. Anyway, quite a bit could be learned from this year's show. Here's my compilation:

--LL Cool J needs chapstick.

Did you see how many times he licked his lips? In the opening monologue alone, I'm pretty sure I saw the underside of his tongue more times than I've ever seen mine. He kept licking them, at every pause he made, as if to personify a comma. Maybe I'll send him some Burt's Bees. It was during his monologue that I also realized that he is voice twins with Mark Wahlberg. Go on. Close your eyes and listen to him talk, then listen to Mark Wahlberg. SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN.

--Chris Brown still can't sing and dance at the same time.

First off, Chris Brown looks like an absolute douchebag. Aside from the Rihanna incident 3 years ago, he just looks like a huge tool. And not a useful tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver, no he's like that weird claw like tool that you're unsure of its use. Let me just say, Mr. Justin Timberlake can sing and dance simultaneously like there's no tomorrow, with no issue. I find it hilarious that Chris Brown even wears a mic. We all know you don't sing live, just embrace it. As for the dancing. I suppose it's "krumping" or something of the sort, but I'm not gonna lie, when he dances, I'm really unsure of what I'm looking at. I don't want to say it looks like he's having seizures, because that would be offensive to epileptic people, associating themselves with Chris Brown's dancing and what not. He kind of looks like me when I see a roach. So, this must mean that I have a future in music.

--All country singers are bald.

That's the only explanation I can think of for why they wear their cowboy hats all the time tipped low. For all we know, they have an extra eye they're hiding under the front of that hat. Actually, I wonder if the hair we do see is just attached to the hat. Like they put it on as a full set wig. One of life's mysteries.

--Rihanna's performance baffled me.

First off, I think she might have gotten ready in Ke$ha's dirty bathwater. Then the whole beginning of her performance consisted of her whine-singing like a pre-pubescent boy begging for his girlfriend not to dump him, while rolling around on the floor. Get up Rihanna, you don't know where that floor's been.

--Paul McCartney is apparently aging into an old woman.

During his performance, I kept thinking to myself, "Who does he remind me of?" Then it hit me. He reminds me of that old woman who greets you when you walk into Wal-Mart. Those softly arched eyebrows, that wispy hair. I have this urge to call him Gretel or Agatha or something. Don't get me wrong, I get that he's a legend, and I respect that. But maybe ease up on the Aveeno at night accompanied by a Botox shot. A few wrinkles never hurt anyone. Ask Robert Redford and his rugged manly self.

--Marc Anthony reminds me of the villain in Monsters Inc.

This was a complete epiphany. Again, I kept wondering who he reminded me of. Well, first I was wondering what he was doing at the Grammys to begin with. I think he might've gotten lost on his way to the teller to withdraw money from J.Lo's account. But anyway, remember that bad guy? Randall. That's his name. Whenever they showed Marc Anthony, that's all I could picture.

--Taylor Swift jamming out on a banjo is hilarious.

No further explanation needed. Is it even possible to "jam out" on a banjo? I feel like that's like me jamming out on a flute. Which, by the way, I can play a mean jazz flute. I might have to schedule a jam session with T.Swift.

--Adele is the Meryl Streep of the Grammys.

Seriously. I love Adele. Mostly because her music is amazing, and our voices sound extremely similar, but also because she seems like she'd be the most down-to-earth person in real life. Plus, she has a chav accent AND a dachshund. So, since I too have TWO dachshunds, I equate this to mean we're meant to be best friends. I mean, we have the same dog AND the same voice? Fate. Also, I laughed during the reading of any nomination with her in it, because the other nominees must've known the outcome. It's like when you decide to eat the fish tacos from Taco Bell, you just know you're gonna lose.

--Bon Iver looks like an 8th grade math teacher. Period.

I won't comment on the absolute trainwreck that was Nicki Minaj, except to say, only two people can do crazy performances. Gaga, who pretends to be crazy, and Britney, when she was actually crazy. I accept no one else.

What Did We Learn From The Golden Globes?

Well, award show season is upon us, and it's my favorite season. Except for sweater season, God I love sweater season. Anyway, I like to relate the award shows to dances in high school, because I'm highly sophisticated. The Golden Globes are kind of like Homecoming. The Emmy's are like Winter Formal. And The Oscars are like Prom. Sorry bout it, but all of you other award shows (People's Choice Awards and the such) are just weekend ragers.

Now, I first need to point out that Ryan Seacrest is one of my mortal enemies. In the circle of life, I'd be the lion and he'd be the gazelle. The very injured gazelle. So I have this sort of stockholm syndrome relationship with E! mostly because everyone on that channel is a complete idiot (except Chelsea Handler). So I'll never understand why I subject myself to their pre-show that consists of Seacrest and company being awkward pre-pubescent teens with a bunch of A-list celebs. Anyway, here's what I took away from this year's show:

E! hosts are idiots.

Here's some of my favorite examples from tonight:

"Brad Pitt just got out of the car and walked over to open the door for Angelina. It was amazing."

Kelly Osbourne said this with the most earnest look on her face. As if she had just seen Brad Pitt save an elderly woman from being hit by a car while also carrying an injured kitten under his arm. So stop the presses! Brad Pitt knows how to open a car door! The evolution of man is complete! This also makes me question the "amazing" things Kelly has seen in her life. Poor girl.

"And what color is your dress?"

Seacrest asked Reese Witherspoon this in regards to her obviously red dress. I included the photo, complete with comparison to the very red carpet, so you could see for yourself. Confused by his complete idiocy, she said "Uh, red." Does no one give him any topics to cover with them? I guess once I start covering the red carpet, I can just ask things like "And how many eyes are you wearing tonight? How many fingers do you have?"

"Are you excited to be here?"

Giuliana Rancic, the other failure on E!, asked this to almost everyone she interviewed. What answer is she expecting? That Mila Kunis will say, "Oh God no, I hate being given a couture dress to wear to an event where all I do is sit and get drunk." On this note, let me just say, if I ever become even a D-list celebrity, I plan to go to every award show there is and drink every bottle of champagne at said event. And at the big events, I plan to take shots with Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren. Needless to say, I will be excited to be at anything.

I have found my future career.

Watching the pre-show coverage of the red carpet brought about an epiphany. I should be an actor's "handler." You know, the person that you see standing next to them, kind of dragging them along from camera to camera. Now, I would partially do this to either (a) become best friends with the celebrity or (b) have an affair with the celebrity's husband. But really, I'd do this so I could photobomb every single one of their shots. Sure, I'd lead them into the center of the photogs. But then I'd slowly ease into the background to fully show off my dress that I got from the Prom section at Dillards. Represent.

When you become famous, you can choose to have any accent you'd like.

Apparently, Madonna is British. I guess if you're married to a British man at some point and spend at least 30 days in London, you immediately gain a British accent. I can understand this science. One time I had a layover in Italy, so now it's really tough to keep my Italian accent from coming out. Actually, to be honest, whenever I'm impersonating different accents, no matter what, I always revert back to an Indian accent. It's unavoidable. Must be from that time I flew over India. Might as well apply for citizenship. Back to Madonna. I must continue to say that I do not support her winning anything at these shows. Unless it's a bench press competition.

Meryl Streep is a bad bitch.

Actually, I didn't just learn this. I've known for ages. I think we were taught this in elementary school in social studies. Between learning about the Revolutionary War and Pearl Harbor, we covered how that if Meryl Streep is ever in any movie, she will be nominated for every award, and she will win. I mean, I'm pretty sure she'll win an Espy later this year. And probably the Stanley Cup. Additionally, she looked like she literally remembered 30 minutes before the show that she needed to attend (since she'd be winning everything) and threw on some clothes and rode over in her golden carriage. She is the only one who can pull this off. I'm sure every other actress spent their entire day primping, just so they could sit in the audience. But no no, not Meryl. She does what she wants, then she takes shots with Helen Mirren.

Botox is bad.

I'd rather not make any comments, since I know Michelle Pfeiffer reads this blog. But when she was speaking, I'm pretty sure she was trying to suck my soul through the TV. You know, to keep her young.

Sarah Michelle Gellar remains to be my nemesis.

Really, it was just a reason to post this photo of the woman who took my first boyfriend from me. And by "boyfriend" I mean Freddie Prinze, Jr. And no, it's not like that day they got married, I cried or anything. That would be absolutely ridiculous and semi-creepy. But she knows what she did and she knows what she is.

Pregnancy can occur via television waves.

Case in point. Though it's hard, I'm going to try to hold back here on the inappropriateness (that's what she said). There really should be some sort of warning prior to the show.

All in all, the Golden Globes weren't too shabby. For next year, I'd suggest more alcohol. And less "artsy" movies/shows winning. And, I think it'd be better if we let the actor's choose the song that they walk onto the stage to. Personally, being the astute professional I am, I'd choose the love ballad, "Move, Bitch" by classical performer Ludacris.

Either way, cheers to awards show season!