What did we learn from the 2019 American Music Awards?

Apologies for the delay, but after hearing the American Music Awards were honoring Taylor Swift as the "Artist of the Decade" I laughed so unbelievably hard that I passed out for two days.

Welcome to the American Music Awards! Comprised of 40% live performances, 60% audience shots and 100% nonsensical award decisions! Everything is terrible, so here we go!

This year's theme is: No Pants!

You gotta respect the strict "No pants, no problem" rule.

I guess this is a comeback?
Let me first say that I like Selena Gomez and if you say you don't, you're lying to yourself because "Come and Get It" is STILL that song. She opened the show and first performed that new ballad she wrote about Bieber before segueing into "Look at Me Now," which if you're eating mashed potatoes this is that banger you ordered with it.

I know this is a static image but it accurately depicts the level of dancing she was doing. In one way, it's like good for you girl, dancing when you clearly do not know how to, and in another way, it's like, did she draw inspiration from Britney's '07 VMAs debacle?

Regardless, I will listen to this album repeatedly when it's out.

Ciara continues to perform songs that are not "Goodies" and/or "1, 2 Step"

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It's common knowledge that she does not need to release new music. We (the world) would all pay to see her perform 100 different remixes of "Goodies."

I do not have time for this
Halsey won the award for pop/rock song and I guess the excitement of winning literally blew her eyebrows off:

I do not have time for such brow disrespect. I can think of exactly zero times in the history of eyebrows (Emilia Clarke invented them in 2011) that it has been a good idea for someone to CHOOSE flesh-colored eyebrows. Spencer Pratt tried it on "The Hills" and look how that turned out!

Anyway, she gave a pretty passive aggressive acceptance speech aimed at the Grammys (who didn't nominate her this year). A summary of her speech:

"AWARDS DON'T MATTER, I THOUGHT I WANTED A GRAMM—I MEAN, AN AWARD, BUT I DON'T BECAUSE AWARDS DON'T MATTER, EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE WHICH I WON BECAUSE THE ONES I WIN DO MATTER. BUT WHEN I'M NOT NOMINATED FOR A GRAMM—I MEAN, AN AWARD, IT'S MOOT. IT'S A COW'S OPINION, IT'S MOO."

You can trust my memory of her speech, I'm nothing if not 65% accurate. Also, I get that she's upset she wasn't nominated for a Grammy, but that's no reason to take it out on her innocent bystander brows.

A collection of men I will not date
I know that Post Malone likely smells like old bread, but that doesn't change the fact that he puts out really, really good music. He performed his song with Travis Scott and Ozzy Osbourne (idk) and as is the trademark move of every rapper who doesn't know what to do with his hands, grabbed his crotch a lot. In this case, he actually might've been doing it because he was confused where his crotch was due to how high-waisted his pants were. A little crotch disorientation.

The best part of this performance was Ozzy sitting in some chair in the background with his mic only slightly on while he mostly did this:

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And I would be remiss if I didn't include the Jonas Brothers in a section about men who repulse me!

I have never understood their appeal because their voices aren't that great? And their music is so-so? And they all look like they have hairy bars of soap in their bathrooms? And Nick Jonas has an extra front tooth? Also, I don't want to look it up, but I feel pretty strongly that Nick and Joe must be under 5 feet tall (combined).

When Beyonce, Adele, Rihanna, Drake, Ariana, Gaga, Hilary Duff,  S Club 7 and the guy who sings in the subway station refuse to attend so they give the "Artist of the Decade" award to the person who will

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I'm not saying I think all of the aforementioned artists are better than Swifty — I'm saying I know they are. Yes, "1989" is a great album but her half-assed attempt to channel Beyonce's energy in "Reputation" was laughable and her continued focus on writing songs about high school love is concerning because, I don't know, maybe she should mature above dating guys from gym class. Above all, it's hard to put aside the fact that she learned everything about "feminism" from.....Lena Dunham, who might be one of the most problematic and generally terribly ignorant people in pop culture to learn from. ANYWAY, not diving into this pool full of vanilla pudding because, messy.

She won every award she was nominated for partially because "the fans voted" (lolololol) and mostly because she was there, living and breathing, in person. So congrats on the breathing!

The actual most talented person in attendance

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Billie Eilish currently uses Invisalign so did I consider doing it too? Yes, but also because of orthodontic reasons, not just so we can be teeth twins (I mean that to sound as creepy as it does). It's actually shocking how talented she is for a 17-year-old. When I was 17, I went to soccer camp and got sunburned so bad, my entire nose peeled off. So nevermind, I guess I do get what it's like to be a teen genius.

She won several awards and fingers crossed this momentum carries and the Grammys don't screw her over like they did to SZA by nominating her a bunch, but giving her nothing.

Can we move past this now
I remain confused by the constant over-the-top show of PDA by Shawn and Camila. It's like, yes I love Doritos, but I don't feel the need to slather my body in them and wear clothes made of them and constantly try to make out with them? Sort of, but also, at some point, people will wonder if there is more to my appeal than my obsession with Doritos.

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But a part of me is also like yes, if I bamboozled Shawn Mendes into dating me (not saying Camila did that), I guess I would attempt mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him constantly too. So to summarize: I remain bitter that Shawn's people (not him, obvi) filibustered my Facebook relationship request, therefore impeding our ability to actually date (that's the only reason, the only one thanks).

When you want to show off all 10 belts you bought at Express at once

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"Don't Start Now" sounds like the song they blast on repeat in every H&M and I like it. And even if you don't, you gotta give respect to Dua for somehow magically avoiding a camel toe in this getup. She is truly remarkable.

And that's it! With this, I have completed my community service of watching three awards shows in a row that combined are about as meaningful as Kylie Jenner's SAT score.

See you all soon! Til then, find me protesting outside of the Flesh-Colored Eyebrows Coalition and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2019 Country Music Awards?

First and foremost we learned that this dry spell of Bachelor/ette seasons and awards shows causes me to do wild and insane things like watch the Country Music Awards. I'm not being dramatic when I say this is the first time I've watched.

But, in lieu of real awards shows, this is what I've succumb to. Please send your thoughts and prayers.

Here are my observations and big questions:

Carrie Underwood just gets to look like this all the time?
About two years ago, Carrie Underwood took a break from social media and the public eye because she suffered injuries to her wrist and face after falling outside her home. She really made us think she was gonna come back all Quasimodo with these notes to her fans saying she "might not look the same." So, brace yourself, I'm about to show you the shocking before and after:

I know, really makes you gasp how unbelievably different she looks.

I've said this before and I'll say it again — I'm not a tall, talented blonde white woman who won American Idol (you're surprised, I know) but if I were, I'd want to be Carrie Underwood. It seems unfair that she just gets to have that face and hair all the time. And like, I've never fallen on my face, but do I think it looks like I have compared to Carrie Underwood? Probably, yes.

On the topic of Carrie, she apparently hosts these awards every year? This year, I think because they heard I was going to watch and wanted to impress, she had some help from some up-and-comers — Reba and Dolly Parton. Very impressed with these young ladies, I think they're gonna go far.

FYI I LOVE MAREN MORRIS
I saw Maren Morris perform at Bowery Ballroom in NYC just after she was nominated for Best New Artist at the Grammys (big thank you to Genevieve who educated me on Maren) and y'all — can you even believe Maren invented country music in the year 2017? Wow. A visionary. She's just 5 ft. of pure talent and amazing brows and lashes and hair, so I guess some people really do have it all. Also, because this is necessary to note, I feel like she used to wear grommet belts (who of us didn't) and has definitely been in a fight before. And this rounds out all of the necessary requirements to be my idol. Now go listen to her "Hero" album BECAUSE IT HAS NO SKIPS. NONE. ALL GOOD.

She showed up at the show with her fine ass husband Ryan Hurd (who's also a singer) in this Carolina blue crop top situation:

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AND SHE'S FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT? Honestly, I look more pregnant after eating a whole Chipotle bowl than this.

She was the most nominated artist of the evening (duh), but only won Album of the Year because the Country Music Awards clearly have some sort of cap on the number of awards they will give to women. I'm positive they considered the feasibility of giving the best female artist award to Brad Paisley.

Nonetheless, she performed "Girl" in this white bandage dress and how does the woman do it?

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This is also what I look like waving at my friends while emerging from the dressing room after unhinging my ribs to get into some ho' couture dress at Express.

Is Blake Shelton......attractive?

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At first, I was very much like NOOOO. But now, I'm sort of like MAYBEEEE. I can't decide if he's actually good looking or just tall? That tallness fools us everytime, amirite?

Are Dan + Shay just Rascal Flatts reincarnated?
While tallness may fool me, I'd recognize that nasaly voice ANYWHERE. I had to lookup who's who to learn that Shay does 100% of the singing in this "group":

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Or well, in this performance anyway. Dan had a mic but honestly, who knows if it was turned on. Things that were also not turned on: me. (HAHAH oh please you saw that coming)

When you gotta perform with Dolly at 8, but get back to vampiring at 9

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I have no idea who these men are, but I assume they won some sort of contest in the 1800s to time travel to now to perform with Dolly. Technology is neat.

What most male country singers sing about

This is from Luke Combs' performance (idk who that is and I'm not sorry). It reminded me that the popular topics dudes in country music sing about are beer (especially on a Friday night), whiskey/tequila (especially drowning in it), their dog (that ran away), and women in tight pants (who are shimmying). AND THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE EXTENT OF TOPICS.

My hot take on country music overall is that if you're a dude with a mediocre voice, you can make it. You don't have to be a hot boy or even fashionable or even intelligent. But as a woman, you have to have an amazing voice, 14 degrees and a medical license, invented at least two life-saving inventions and of course be supermodel gorgeous. Just those things though, super simple. Also this comparison applies to a lot of things in life, but we're not diving into my dissertation (maybe during the Oscars).

While on the topic of frustrating things...

When you won Album of the Year at the Grammys but aren't nominated for Entertainer of the Year at the CMAs:

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Look, not that I thought this was a real awards show, but having a sort of "overall artist" category and NOT nominating country music's biggest star across genres is outrageous. Kacey Musgraves did win the awards for female artist and music video, but wtf. I guess it's good she can go home and wipe away her tears with the millions of dollars she made touring with Harry Styles.

She also performed with Willie Nelson and it was sort of adorable:

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But also, it would've been nice had she performed on her own too since she was one of the two artists I tuned into this show for. It's almost as if these artists and shows do not create their content based on my likings. Weird.

And that's it! Or well, that's all I allowed my brain to store away. The biggest takeaway is there's a 495% chance I will not watch this show ever again, but rather, opt for finding Kacey and Maren's performances on YouTube. So I guess it was an educational experience.

See you in a couple weeks for the American Music Awards! Til then, find me out protesting against sneaker wedges (they're stupid and detrimental to us all) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2019 People's Choice Awards?

I want to be very clear that I did not intend to watch, let alone blog, the People's Choice Awards because if awards show season is a loaf of bread, the PCAs are the stupid butt end pieces. Unnecessary and generally impedes our progress in reaching the real bread.

Nonetheless, I opted in because ZENDAYA SHOWED UP?????

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Oh and here we are jumping right into best dressed too. Which, in this case isn't that groundbreaking since this show wasn't exactly dripping in A-listers. If anything, it was dripping in Fit Tea and Audible trials and whatever other shit Instagram/YouTube influencers hawk because they seemed to be the primary attendees.

Anyway, I knew that Jennifer Aniston, Gwen Stefani and Pink were blackmailed into attending (that's the only explanation), but I had no idea Zendaya would show up! Almost convinced me this show was real. ALMOST.

One note before we get into it: Much like paprika on top of deviled eggs, the people's "votes" don't actually matter. E! specifically notes: "NBCU reserves the right to make the final determination as to which of the nominees will be declared the winner of the category." AKA NBC JUST GIVES THE TROPHY TO WHOEVER WANTS TO SHOW UP.

So let's jump into the few things I'd like to discuss from this made up awards show with made up awards.

No reality show is better than Vanderpump Rules 

While it isn't surprising that Keeping Up with the Kardashians won the award for Reality Show because the Kardashian's puppet master Ryan Seacrest was born in the E! offices, it's still infuriating. If you've never watched Vanderpump, I'm gonna need you to block off a full week to do so and come to terms with the fact that your brain will be rendered useless (but for good reason). And look, did I start watching it because Chrissy Teigen and Jennifer Lawrence both love it? I MEAN MAYBE BUT WHO CARES HOW WE GOT HERE. Here are some gems that I am positive will convince you, a mature adult with a functioning brain, to watch:

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I want to watch a million seasons of this show for the rest of my life and then when I die, I want the show projected on my gravestone 24/7.

I also want to point out that I realize this entire section of commentary is ridiculous. But let me live my life as a raccoon rolling in TV trash.

In which Riverdale and Game of Thrones are nominated in the same category

...for TV Drama, of course because they're both serious shows. You guys. Riverdale. The show that gave us poetic lines such as this:

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The last episode I watched included someone being locked in a coffin, someone learning they absorbed their brother in the womb, a serial killer, a brother stalker and a boxing gang. THIS ALL HAPPENED IN THE SPAN OF ONE EPISODE. If you're wondering how all of those plot points are connected, that's easy — they're not. I imagine the Riverdale writers' room is actually just one of those giant ball pits at McDonald's but the balls have nouns written on them and the writers just randomly select 10 for each episode.

And while the final season of GoT taught us that the writer-producers are just two idiotic frat bros at heart, the show still has some credibility. And by credibility I mean Emilia Clarke and her eyebrows and nothing else.

The point here is Riverdale is coming for that Emmy (lololol). Speaking of Riverdale....

What the hell is a Cole Sprouse

The "Male TV Star" category included (in order from sensical to laughable): Kit Harington, Sterling K. Brown, Norman Reedus, Milo Ventimiglia, Finn Wolfhard, Jim Parsons, KJ Apa and Cole Sprouse. I could not stop laughing when Cole Sprouse won. I mean, it was pretty clear that KJ or Cole would win since, well, they were both actually there and the qualifying factor to win is to attend. 

But wait, it gets better. The "Drama Movie Star" nominees were (from A to Z list): Leonardo DiCaprio, Lupita Nyong'o, Brad Pitt, Samuel L. Jackson, Sarah Paulson, Taron Egerton, Zac Efron and...you guessed it, Cole Sprouse. I have scoured a heap of academic studies and journals to learn that at no point in history or post this horrific event will Leonardo DiCaprio and Cole Sprouse EVER be nominated in the same category.

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Cole of course won because you are Wile E. Coyote and I am the Road Runner and this is Looney Tunes. He actually found it pretty funny too because from what I can recall, his crowning achievement before Riverdale was that Disney show "Zack and Cody."

Also, no shade here. But I mean, I do have on sunglasses and I'm under this big ass tree and it's breezy and wait I guess it is pretty shady.

Oh honey, oh no

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Our Netflix boyfriend Noah Centineo won "Comedy Movie Star of 2019" for a movie that is NOT "To All the Boys I've Loved Before." He won for another Netflix movie, "The Perfect Date," which spoiler alert: is not as good. He then hobbled onstage (I wanna say he had knee surgery recently?) and while I enjoyed the visuals here, his speech was....less enjoyable.  It seems he read one Jack Kerouac book and felt the need to enlighten us with what I'm sure he thought was a thought-provoking statement. I have zero idea what he was trying to say but I wouldn't be surprised if he got it tattooed on his forearm next week.

And I'm not saying he should just be pretty and read scripts, but like, what if he did do that. Let's just give it a try.

Okay so nothing makes sense

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Not listing all of the random ass nominees in the "Drama Movie of 2019" category because what we need to hone in on is the fact that "After" won. In an embarrassing turn of events, I have actually seen this movie that's based on a fanfic about Harry Styles. A FANFIC, Y'ALL. And as the Mayor of Bad Movie Town, I happen to enjoy a lot of movies that people hate, so it's saying a lot if even I can't tolerate this one.

If I'm being honest, what would make this movie better is if we printed it out, crumpled it up, burned it, then buried the ashes in the deepest parts of the ocean with those fish that have flashlight horns. So, totally deserving of an award!

But this made sense

Blackpink won awards for Group, Music Video, and Concert Tour of 2019 and if you don't know who they are I'm gonna need you to take off that red nose because you look like a clown. They're a K-Pop group who are the equivalent of if it was just Justins and JCs in *NSYNC — the entire group can sing and dance. And in continuing this spiel, as a group they have an Adidas sponsorship and they each have endorsement deals with separate fashion houses (Jennie with Chanel, Lisa with Celine, Jisoo with Dior and Rose with YSL). 

What I'm trying to say is I'm a fan, but unlike some of the other dumb shit I like (Twilight), this fandom is warranted because they're actually talented.

Rounding this out by noting their video below is the most viewed music video by a K-Pop group (one billion views, wtf) and they're the most subscribed group on YouTube, so I guess that makes them good enough to win the illustrious People's Choice Award.

Editor's note here that the ONLY reason I'm not currently in a K-Pop group is that I'm too tan. Those girls are all pale as hell and mama likes to tan. Anyway, glad we established that's the only reason. The only one.

I still can't believe this

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We'll never know how in the actual hell E! got Jennifer Aniston to attend this JV bowling tournament of a show. I have to assume E!'s daddy company NBC has some sort of dirt on Jen from Friends days (like photos of GASP generic shampoo in her bag). But she showed up and reminded us that she still looks amazing and is the master of maintaining that fine balance of good botox and AHHHHH botox.

Also, I am positive she will use this award as doorstop in her guest bathroom, but will let you know next time I pop over for a Smart Water.

And that's it! I know I complained a lot, but that's only because these smaller awards shows are kind of pointless. So I will only watch every single one of them for the next 100 years.

Speaking of silly awards shows, I'm considering foreign territory with the Country Music Awards this week — so stay tuned for that if my brain can process doing it. Til then, find me calculating how many calories are in an entire package of Oreos (in case someone wants to eat them all in one sitting) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).