Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Men Tell All

This week's commentary is brought to you by Gabby proving yet again why she is the people's Bachelorette:

This particular gem was from the bloopers shown during the Men Tell All portion of this hodgepodge episode that was half Bachelorette content and half ads. I'm always confused after watching each week, mostly at my decision to voluntarily do so, but this week left me more confused than ever because of the random assortment of things we were presented with.

So let's jump in!

Rachel's hometown date with Aven

Since this show is a mess and doesn't know what time management is, we didn't get to Rachel's date with Aven last week. So we're kicking things off with one more hometown date in Salem, Massachusetts.

Because of how poorly her meeting with Tino's parents went (reminder: they hated her), Rachel is understandably nervous to meet Aven's parents. Aven helps her nervousness by telling her that his parents hated both of his prior exes, so things are really looking great.

With a lot of nerves and anxiousness happening, they decide the best way to deal with that is to visit this woman named Lorelei who is known as the "Love Witch."

She casts some sort of "love spell" and wow, I did not see this season of Gilmore Girls coming.

Later that night, Rachel meets Aven's parents.

Cracking up at whichever production assistant stabbed the bread like that. Also love that the show isn't even faking meals anymore, just putting out a bucket of stabbed bread.

Both of Aven's parents are skeptical at first, wondering how realistic their connection will be outside of the dinners, hotels, travels and general bubble of the show. But long story short, they both come around to liking Rachel and they end the night onboard this flight to Engagement Town.

Relieved to have that out of the way, Aven finally admits to Rachel that he's falling in love with her and y'all, here she is showing us every lamp she rubbed, wishing for this exact moment:

I was surprised she didn't have producers bring out sparklers and a cake that said "CONGRATS ON GETTING A HOT GUY." She doesn't tell him she's falling for him too (like she did with Tino), but she does say something to the effect of "omg this means so much to me to have such an insanely hot person say that to me."

And thus concludes all of the hometown dates and the only actual content of this week's episode. Jesse passingly mentions that all of the guys got roses before we dive into...

Hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored

This is not an exaggeration, there's at least an hour of ads and promos for things outside of the show. One of the biggest promos is for Virgin Voyages, which Jesse begins to highlight by handing out champagne to the audience:

"Please drink responsibly," lolllll. It's completely irresponsible for us to be watching this show to begin with so what makes them think we will be drinking responsibly. All of us clearly have no self-control. 

Jesse tells the room that "This news is going to change your lives forever" and um, this life changing news ends up being that everyone has won a free cruise. Either Jesse doesn't know what "forever" means or all of these people have just won a trip on the Titanic. Otherwise I'm not quite sure how a cruise changes your life forever. 

There's also an entire segment dedicated to the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise.

I didn't even know Victoria was a part of the cast, but I'm here for it (along with Andrew and most importantly, MY ON AND OFF AGAIN BOYFRIEND BRANDON!!!). If ABC just wants to cancel the rest of this Bachelorette season and skip right to BIP, none of us would complain.

Billy Eichner and Luke Macfarlane also make an appearance to promote their upcoming movie "Bros" and Billy brings back a memory that all of us have been repressing since the beginning of the season:

That's right, for the second time in the span of 2 months, we have to witness a grown man strip down to his boxer briefs to pour spaghetti sauce on his body. This is our punishment for choosing to watch this show, we all deserve it.

With that in mind, let's keep things going with a few notes from the Men Tell All (hint: there is no "all" to tell).

The wardrobe department remains mad at her

Seriously, who did Rachel offend because why would they put her in this ombre dress from Wet Seal circa 2009???  

The sock shortage also continues

So I guess most of these men are not only afraid of commitment, they're also terrified of socks. And you know all of them have Shrek looking feet that are stinking up a storm in those loafers.

Only recently found out about this

Thanks to Ling for sharing this with me — newly blonde Robey (the magician, remember) is Leelee Sobieski's brother???!! Everyone of course remembers her from "Never Been Kissed," but do y'all remember "Here on Earth" where she was in this love triangle with Chris Klein (back when he was hot and not weird) and JOSH HARTNETT (who remains hot)?? It was basically the original "A Walk to Remember" and Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson sang the main song for the film and yes it was critically acclaimed in that it earned her a Teen Choice Award nomination. 

Honestly didn't see this show causing me to write an entire paragraph about Leelee Sobieski, but here we are (here on earth, hahahahahhahaha, I'm sorry).

Why didn't we get more clips of him

Alec and his perfect face get more screen time during the Men Tell All than all three (I think?) episodes he was actually in. And I mean, is he a 0.3mm pen because he is FINE. 

His best moment is when they're all talking about that shitty guy Chris (the one who was talking about Fantasy Suites in episode 2). He says Chris acted like his shit didn't stink, "but it did, just like his breath." You have to laugh because look, these "yo' mama" level jokes are stupid, but they get the job done.

Anyway, wow where did this slip-n-slide come from because here I am sliding into Alec's DMs. Which, speaking of sliding into DMs...

Why am I not married to Nate

Per tradition, the show makes Nate relive his relationship and breakup with Gabby and he cries watching it before telling Jesse that he has no hard feelings, only love, for Gabby. 

He then addresses all of the rumors about him circulating on social media — including that he was dating two women at the same time and kept his daughter a "secret" from them — saying that he basically didn't want to bring his daughter into his unstable dating situation. To that I say, omg am I the concrete foundation of a house, because it's all stability over here babes. 

And that's it! Or well, that's all I want to talk about from this truly chaotic episode. I remain confused about what I watched for 2 hours. But it's all over soon! See you next week for Fantasy Suites! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Hometown Dates

This week's commentary is brought to you by Gabby looking like all of us trying to figure out how it feels like no time has passed for us to already be this close to the finale, but also decades of time has passed based on how much we've aged from this exhausting season.

We made it to Hometowns! And we're traveling to exotic locations such as Bedminster, New Jersey and also Wildwood, New Jersey. 

So get your passport and let's jump in!

New Orleans with Jason

Ol' Sleepytime Tea is Gabby's first hometown date of the week and we're in New Orleans! They walk around Bourbon Street and at one point, Jason casually drops the truth bomb that he was going to leave at the beginning of the show. Gabby reacts like "wtf" because can you imagine how much boredom she would've missed out on had he left!

Jason's parents are separated, so they meet up with his dad first in the park.

Jason's dad says he supports Jason no matter what and that if Gabby is the one, he wants to be the best man at the wedding. And Jason is like *hehe, nervous laughter*. They end their afternoon together with a little beignet cheers, which I've now realized is what all cheers should be with.

I know it's not exactly the same, but I love Gabby's dress because it's giving strong Cher Horowitz vibes (specifically the outfit Cher wore when they were playing tennis in PE; if only I used my photographic memory for useful things).

Later that night, Gabby meets Jason's mom, sister and sister's boyfriend in what appears to be a room in Ozzy Osbourne's home.

This looks like a chaotic aisle in Home Goods.

Overall, Jason's family really likes Gabby and how she's different from Jason because that means they can balance each other out. His mom says she can sense how much they care for each other and his sister is like, I'm not gonna write you a love song, cause you asked for it:

A little Sara Bareilles'ish right?? And a little like Kelley from that idiot Peter's season of The Bachelor. 

Right, so things are going well until Jason realizes he is in fact on a show called The Bachelorette where the point is to get engaged at the end, this is how it's always been. He tells his mom that he absolutely cannot see himself getting engaged at the end of this unless things "happen" to change in the next 2 weeks. And this is the face of a mother wondering, what are we doing here then.

Jason's mom asks if he's told Gabby this VERY IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS and he's like "not yet," as if he's hiding what his favorite sandwich is from her and NOT THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT READY TO GET ENGAGED.

He ends up not telling Gabby before she leaves, so that's great. He does give her one last terrible kiss though and I'm sorry, but if I had to see this, you do too:

It's like he's slurping the top curly part of a soft serve ice cream cone. 

Anyway, the takeaway from this date is that it seems Gabby has a better chance of becoming a Hobbit and finding One Ring to Rule Them All than getting a ring from Jason.

But let's see what's up with Gabby's other two guys.

Palm Beach with David Guetta (allegedly named "Johnny")

Gabby heads down to Florida to meet Johnny's family and she's sure to emphasize that "Johnny is super hot — he knows it, I know it and you know." Girl, what. If that's the case, I am Jon Snow and know nothing.

They jump right into meeting his parents, best friend, brother and brother's girlfriend.

And damn, they didn't even set them up with a small coot board, not one piece of cheese, instead two random shrubs placed in what appear to be cereal bowls.

Similar to Jason's family, Johnny's family also really likes Gabby (I mean, obviously). She tells his dad that it feels like she's known them for years, which is also how she feels about Johnny because she's always felt the most comfortable around him. 

Also sadly similar to Jason's date — Johnny tells his mom that he's not ready to get engaged and anyway, she reacts the same as Jason's mom:

He says IT'S NOT SOMETHING HE'S TALKED ABOUT YET WITH GABBY, when like bruh there's 2 weeks left?? What do you mean this has not come up?? This show has been on for 150 years and the premise has not changed, so you knew what you were getting into??? Why do all of these men act like it's a surprise that this show ends with engagements???

We soon learn that Gabby and Johnny have clearly been circling back on completely different emails because Gabby notes in an interview clip that she's "grateful Johnny is ready to take that next step." So she thinks he's ready for Step Up 2: The Streets, but he's still getting through the first movie. Not good news.

To recap, we're 0 for 2 when it comes to Gabby's guys who are ready for engagement. But what about Erich?

Bedminster, NJ with Erich

Spoiler alert: A man with a mullet is about to be Gabby's best hometown date of the week. 

They kick off their time together in New Jersey by sitting on what appears to be a golf course while measuring to see if Gabby's neck is the same size as Erich's waist:

He gives her a heads up that she'll be meeting his dad who he hasn't seen in a while (per being on the show), which has been difficult because he has terminal cancer. 

Along with his dad, Gabby also meets his mom, sister and precious grandparents.

His grandpa greets her by saying, "I know Gabby! I saw her on The Bachelor!"

Gabby and Erich spend time with his dad first and y'all it's by far the most genuine family connection of the entire episode (sorry Rachel). His dad talks honestly about his prognosis and what an amazing caretaker Erich's mom has been and Erich emphasizes that it was important for him to introduce Gabby to the family because of how serious he believes their connection is.

When Erich talks to his mom, he tells her that he wants to model the love in his relationship after the undying love his parents have for each other.

And phew, if their time with his dad didn't make you feel *light* emotions, this definitely did.

Unlike Jason and Johnny, Erich then spends more one-on-one time with Gabby after meeting his family where he tells her he risked a lot to be here, but it was all worth it for her and he's falling in love with her. And tbh, I think he's the first guy to clearly tell Gabby this?? She tells him she's falling for him too and her feelings have grown stronger after being with his family and they kiss and fortunately, it's not as jarring as watching Jason kiss.

Based on the fact that Gabby's two other ding dongs aren't ready to get married, I feel pretty positive that she's going to pick Erich at the end and *maybe* get engaged. That or she'll leave the show alone and if that happens can we just give her a do-over season, thanks.

Okay, I guess we should get to Rachel's guys because this is technically also her season.

Anaheim with Zach

Was disappointed to learn that even though Zach looks a little like he could be a character in The Goofy Movie and his hometown is Anaheim, he doesn't live at Disney Land?? Wow, lame, what's the point.

Rachel and Zach kick off their date by again riding bikes together before climbing to a rooftop to watch planes take off (remember they both used to do this with their dads). 

Here's Zach pointing like he's at a concert and that Southwest plane just came out for an encore.

Later, Rachel meets Zach's parents, sister, aunt AND FAMOUS UNCLE!!!

That's right, his uncle is the actor (Patrick Warburton) who voiced Kronk in The Emperor's New Groove!! I mean, he's been in a lot of other things too but I only think of him as an animated character, so.

Zach's mom expresses her concerns to Rachel about how fast Zach is falling for her along with the fact that she still has, you know, 3 other boyfriends hanging around. Rachel reassures her that while she does have these other boyfriends, it's important to remember that Zach is one of those boyfriends, so, that's good (feeling much better!).

The entire family then gathers around a screen outside to watch a recap of Rachel and Zach's journey so far, which sounds absolutely mortifying. 

Because there's nothing I want more than for my boyfriend's family to see us making out on a 6ft screen.

During Rachel and Zach's chat before she leaves, he's like, hey if anyone here is in love with Rachel, close your eyes:

He is literally blinking in every screenshot I took of him, sorry. But yes, he tells Rachel he's in love with her and Rachel responds with what anyone who has just declared their love wants to hear — "oh gosh." AND THAT'S IT!!! She doesn't even say "And I love spending time with you." Pretty sure she will not be picking Zach, sorry to say.

Speaking of guys she's not picking...

Wildwood, NJ with Tyler

On her way to meet Tyler, Rachel says her relationship with him is "the most far behind," but she's excited to see if they can get to this magical place known as "there," I guess in one day?? To do that, she shows up in her flashiest outfit:

Sorry, I meant to say she shows up as a flasher. Not this girl showing up looking like Inspector Gadget!!

They spend the afternoon at the boardwalk, playing games and seemingly having a good time, until Rachel realizes that wait, engagements are coming up and if I don't want to get engaged to this man, maybe I shouldn't keep dating him. She retreats to the bathroom to think things over and tells a producer that she doesn't know what to do because she feels so bad about the fact that she knows Tyler isn't the one.

What's even more kookoo about this situation is that while Rachel is LITERALLY crying and running away from Tyler, he is all smiles like "Omg this is the best day!! Everything is perfect!!"

Truly baffling.

Once Rachel returns, they sit down to talk and Tyler dives head first into a speech that makes you think he's about to propose. He tells her this day (that she's been crying throughout) has been the best ever. She then starts trying to essentially break up with him, but he interrupts her to continue his proposal speech and tells her he's in love with her. And this is her face when he says that:

This man should never go on Blue's Clues because how is he not picking up on any context clues. 

It clearly hurts to tell him, but Rachel says she's not confident in their connection and has reservations and those reservations are not at Love Restaurant. Since something is missing, she says she can't meet his family because it wouldn't be right.

They hug goodbye and that ends Tyler's journey, but um, I guess no one told Tyler's family because here they are just waiting and super excited to meet Rachel.

WE'LL NEVER GET TO EXPERIENCE THOSE COOT BOARDS. Legend has it, they're still waiting for Rachel, to this day. 

And now I understand why she wore that trench coat — didn't want to waste an outfit on TV just to break up with someone. Strategic. Let's get to who I think Rachel will pick...

Santa Clarita with Tino 

Tino picks up Rachel from this random area and I guess she has reflectors on the back of her jeans to let him know where she is, otherwise, why is she standing like this.

It's like she was getting ready for a sorority group picture to be taken, except there's no group and no camera.

They spend some time driving around and talking before he brings her home to meet his parents and younger brother.

I think you can sense the tension in this photo and it's accurate because this is our one family of the season who breaks the third wall and points out how absolutely bonkers the concept of this show is.

Both of Tino's parents are skeptical about how anyone can form a strong connection, let alone be ready to get married after only 5 weeks (reasonable). Tino's dad makes this face during most of their conversations and this is when I remind you THIS IS HOW EVERYONE SHOULD REACT:

He tells Tino that he has a hard time believing that what they've been through during a "whirlwind fairy tale trip" has prepared them for marriage AND I MEAN, HE HAS A POINT. 

Overall, the conversations are brutally honest and a little tense as it's clear Tino's parents are not onboard with the idea of him getting engaged in 2 weeks, but they tell him that "hopefully" whatever happens is "the right thing." As you can imagine, this is how Rachel feels about the night:

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Tino and Rachel then spend some time chatting outside AND TINO TELLS RACHEL THAT HIS FAMILY ADORED HER. HAHA WHAT SHOW WAS HE WATCHING?? Even Rachel is like, girl you're dumb, shut up.

He tells her he's falling in love with her and she actually reciprocates for the first time, telling him that she's been falling in love with him for a while. But hey wait, if you're not falling in love with this entire situation, blink:

DAMN I HOPE SOMEONE AT LEAST GOT TO ENJOY THOSE CHIPS AND SALSA.

The episode ends with Rachel talking about how hard it is for her to think about getting engaged to Tino without the support of his parents, which plants the seed for more drama to come.

And that's it! We strangely enough didn't get to Rachel's date with Aven, so that'll happen next week before the Men Tell All. But again, this is all moo (a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter) because none of these people should be getting engaged! Great! See you all next week! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 6

This week's commentary is brought to you by me, I am this woman, just closely standing by and clearly taking photos of Gabby and Nate.

Why did they blur my face out. We'll get to this devastating moment soon.

We're in Amsterdam! Gabby and Rachel are excited to continue their European adventure and their travels remind me of how Katie's entire season took place at like a Ramada Inn. I have to laugh. 

Let's jump in!

Gabby's one-on-one with Nate

The love of my life, Nate, gets this week's solo date with Gabby (again) and y'all look how happy he is to see her:

That happiness soon subsides as we learn this is a break-up date. They barely sit down before Gabby bursts into tears and y'all, I can count on zero hands the number of times this show has made me feel emotions, but this entire breakup got me right in the aortic pump.

Gabby tells Nate she has deep feelings for him, but they're just in two different places in their lives and she's not ready to be a mom. Beyond being scared to be a mom, she's even more scared of being bad at it and even though she's breaking up with him, Nate reassures her that when she's ready to be a mom, she'll be a great one and he could never be upset with her for being truthful.

Their conversation is FOR SURE the most mature, thoughtful thing to EVER happen on this show. And in one final thing to get me emotional, Nate tells Gabby to "be sure to pick someone who picks you too" AND DAMN THIS IS SOME FAULT IN OUR STARS/WALK TO REMEMBER SHIT, I'M CRINE.

After he leaves, Gabby is understandably upset because I'm pretty sure if he wasn't a father, she FOR SURE would've picked Nate. She copes by doing the Ariana Grande album cover challenge and it helps.

Meanwhile, in his last clip, Nate says it'll be hard to replicate the connection he has with Gabby because they can so easily laugh and talk with each other, but um excuse me, I am also capable of replicating and talking and laughing. 

I CANNOT BELIEVE NATE IS GONE?!!! Similar to Gabby, I do not care about any of these other men, but I guess let's just keep going.

Rachel's one-on-one with Zach

Zach gets his second solo date with Rachel, which reminds us all to ask why is Ethan still here.

They spend the afternoon absolutely blasting their eyes and noses with pollen by riding bikes through fields of tulips before happening upon a plant that also blooms at the same time — the hothulus tubulis.

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I'm not exaggerating when I say less than 3 sentences of conversation happen during this day portion of the date. And I'd remember because Zach always sounds like he's presenting slides about a project update.

We do get a status update during dinner later when Zach shares that a couple of years ago, he was overweight and not happy with himself. When Rachel asks how he got from there to where he is now, he tells her it's all because of therapy, which she relates to because it was something she (and all of us) very much needed after enduring Clayton.

Zach tells Rachel he's falling in love with her and he obviously gets a rose (meaning he's the first Hometowns guy) and all I could think about was how Rachel's dress looks like it's made of that heart-shaped Looney Tunes monster (I Googled those exact words to find out his name is Gossamer): 

Can't believe this show hunted a Gossamer just so they could make this fugly ass dress. SERIOUSLY, WHO DID RACHEL ANGER IN THE WARDROBE DEPARTMENT.

"Come on, give mama a hug"

The way Gabby greets her guys for their group date again shows why she is the most relatable Bachelorette to date.

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The guys and Gabby are greeted by a woman with a whip and they soon learn this is a sex-themed date when she asks,"How many of you think you know how to treat a woman in the bedroom?" And I gotta tell you, this is a group that I can assure you does not know how to do said treating:

There'e a bunch more questions and activities that make the guys uncomfortable and you know who wouldn't have been uncomfortable? NATE. But anyway, they eventually all spread out on giant tortillas like they're about to be made into a giant Crunchwrap Supreme.

Instead, Gabby blindfolds them and proceeds to spray whipped cream on their pasty, hairy nipples and also tickles them. A truly bizarre date.

Later, while the guys are waiting for Gabby to arrive for the evening's cocktail party, the Bad News Bear himself shows up at Gabby's door, which cannot be good:

Jesse tells Gabby that Logan tested positive for COVID, so they'll have to cancel the date's cocktail party (meaning she can't give out a rose). What he's really telling us is that Logan first ruined Rachel's experience and is now here to ruin Gabby's time too, a real BOGO deal. I knew we shouldn't have trusted someone who looks like a Veggie Tale.

Sorry, I didn't know where else to drop this observation in.

When Jesse tells the guys, he does it in such an unnecessarily dramatic way. Instead of just saying Logan has COVID, he says there's been a "situation," and like shut the hell up Jesse Palmer, just tell these men that Logan is the bat that COVID originated from.

We later learn that Logan is out for the rest of the season?? Which just seems so abrupt, like he and Gabby can't even FaceTime to say goodbye?? But also, let's not question it. The ol' Rona really came in and said if Rachel and Gabby won't send this man home, I will. 

No funny header because Rachel never says anything funny

For Rachel's group date, she brings the guys to a famous cheese town. This date is especially important for her because she needs to figure out whose families she wants to meet and who she really sees a future with. So anyway, she accomplishes that with this:

Having them participate in a cheese holding competition, sure why not, how else do you test for a lasting relationship these days. Tino ends up beating Ethan out to win and oh yeah, to answer your question, this is Ethan:

Who even knew he was still here. 

Rachel learns who he is when they have their first full conversation ever during the date's cocktail party. He tells her that his family means the world to him and so does she, so he can't wait to introduce her to them. 

And I'm sorry, what?? This man is really saying this woman who he is just short of needing a "Hello, My Name Is" tag for is as important as his family??? I understand nothing.

Tyler, who we learn is unexpectedly buff (please reference shirtless cheese holding above) for someone whose voice just changed, follows Zach's lead and is the second guy to tell Rachel he's falling in love with her. 

I can't quite place who he looks like, but there's something about his nose and mouth that reminds me of a Who (like from Whoville)?? If anyone else has a better assessment, let me know.

And lastly, because this is a buy-2-get-1 free situation, Tino, who has grown increasingly annoying and intense about his connection with Rachel, also tells Rachel he's falling in love with her leading to this weirdly low camera angle of them making out.

It's become clear that this man is one pair of night vision goggles away from being a certified creep. But don't worry, he proves how totally chill and not intense he is by completely losing his shit when Tyler gets the group date rose instead of him.

He complains about how he "checked every box" and told her how he felt and it's like, okay??? Everyone else is doing that too, why do you deserve extra credit?? Ethan then provides his one and only memorable moment of the season when he accurately calls Tino a "little baby back bitch," which is so funny because not only are you a bitch, but you also have a baby back. And his little baby back whining continues the next day:

Sorry, but Rachel should send him home purely based on the fact that he's wearing flip flops. A crime in itself, but WITH A WOOL-LINED COAT??? I'm no meteorologist, but there is no climate in the world where you're like omg my body is so cold, but my feet are burnin' up and the piggies need to be out (and again, men should never EVER be allowed to have their toes out).

The most predictable Rose Ceremony ever

Both women have a guy who we (and they) are surprised is still here — Spencer for Gabby and Ethan for Rachel — so it's no surprise when both are sent packing. But something I just realized is that after Gabby hands out her roses, she has to stand there while Rachel hands out hers, which I guess has always happened, but for some reason I find it so awkward. So here she is disassociating:

This means Gabby is heading to the hometowns of Skarsgård brother Erich, David Guetta ("Johnny") and Nap Podcast Face Jason. Rachel is heading to the hometowns of Tiny (but buff) Tyler, Corporate Voice Zach, Intense-To-A-Level-Of-Major-Discomfort Tino and Too-Hot-For-This-Show Aven.

I can already confidently say both of these women should not get engaged to any of these men! This show remains a very toxic thing for us to endure! So see you next week! Til then, you can find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).