What Did We Learn from the 2013 Golden Globes?

Well, the Globes have come and gone.  I thoroughly enjoyed them this year, even though the network once again ignored my request for a shirtless Zac Efron to present every award.  There's always 2014.  Anyway, here we go!

Let's recap with lessons learned, beginning with E!'s Red Carpet coverage:

- First off, we learned that Giuliana Rancic is a vampire from the 1800s, who most likely runs a brothel. I'm not even going to show you the bottom of this dress, just focus on top.  Though, don't stare too long, or she'll materialize in your bedroom and suck your blood.

-Secondly, Lady Seacrest and his "girlfriend" (read: BEARD) came with matching updos.  Do you think they used the same mousse?  Probably not.  I hear Seacrest is extra picky with his hair.  As a side note Megan Fox sarcastically (or well, I choose to believe she was being sarcastic) told him "I like your hair.":

General Seacrest Observations:

• Said "Can we see your feet? We don't want to miss this opportunity" to Amy Adams. Cross that off the bucket list!
• He should never say the word "sex." It's like seeing an elephant try to walk a tightrope.
• Seeing men like Ben Affleck stand next to him shows us the wide spectrum of manliness.
• He spoke so vividly with his hands, it made Bradley Cooper uncomfortable.

- Thirdly, I wish there was a way E! could hire me as the Glam Cam.  You know, the camera that gets to pan up and down at the outfit choice of whoever is being interviewed by one of the many E! failbots. They should put the camera inside some sunglasses, so when Hugh Dancy (Claire Danes fine ass husband) approaches, I can creepily scan him up and down.  But for "work" purposes, of course.

Onto the Show!

Someone call the unicorn police, TAY TAY LOST.  To the Meryl Streep of the music world, Adele.  Did Tay-Tay actually think her Hunger Games whine would beat the bitch slap vocals of Queen Adele? Anyway, this was her reaction.  I laughed for a good 10 minutes.  Yes, I'm a bully.

Jennifer Lawrence, or J.Law as we call her, is absolutely FLAWLESS.  She wore this ridic Dior gown that was one of my top 3 of the evening, and refused to shake Seacrest's hand because she's "sick." Whether she actually was or not, who cares, she refused Seacrest on live TV, and for that, I am forever grateful.  Also, she beat Meryl Streep AND Helen Mirren for Best Actress.  ULTIMATE LIFE GOAL, ACHIEVED.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are the Prom King and Queen of the Golden Globes/LIFE.  First off, he is looking really smoking hot lately, I mean, scolding fire hot.  And secondly, she was the first celebrity BFF I sent a bracelet to (which she accepted via a restraining order, just kidding! I think) because she is a badass, but a badass who you can picture has a garden and brings sliced oranges to her kids' soccer games.  Anyway, they are almost too cute to handle.  Put a wiener dog in a giraffe costume in his arm, and I think I might actually die.  Sidenote, let us appreciate the girl in the back right cheesing for the paparazzi.  WIN!

I should get partial credit for Anne Hathaway's win, as I ate all of that food she wasn't eating, when she was losing all of that weight for "Les Miserables."  SUCH a good person.

Apparently everybody loves HBO's "Girls," which I accept/support.  In her speech, Lena Dunham thanked Chad Lowe, because she had always promised herself she would.  Love it.  I'd thank Zac Efron, just prior to ripping my dress off and attacking his face with my face.  That's how to start a relationship, right?

Major lesson:  Apparently, there are no standards or pre-requisites in order to be invited to the Golden Globes, as is proved evident in the fact that J.Alba was not only allowed to attend, but they actually let her present an award!  I could produce an entire blog full of jokes, so I'll stop here.

Let me note, I love "Homeland."  But, I'm pretty sure Claire Danes won by hypnotizing/brain-washing the Hollywood Foreign Press Association with her crazy-non-blinking eyes.  During her speech, I felt both frightened and motivated to buy every season of "My So-Called Life." 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler should host every televised event that will ever occur.  And they should feature one drunk HBIC (i.e. Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep) per event.

And let's wrap things up with drunk Glenn Close, because drunken HBIC Queens rule the universe:

Cheers to awards show season!  I'm off to catch the flu because I heard Meryl Streep has it.

Rachel McAdams' Superhero Ability

As the holidays approach, everyone has their set of movies they just have to watch during Christmastime.  One of mine is "The Family Stone."  You know, the one with Diane Keaton, Claire Danes, and let us not forget, Sarah Jessica Parker.  For all intents and purposes, I'm unsure of why I like this movie so much because I find Sarah Jessica Parker's face to be outright frightening.  Something about her translucent blue eyes remind me of a vampire.  And her pointy nose reminds me of a witch.  And (Lord forgive me) her face in general reminds me of a horse.  So, as you can imagine, a vampire- horse-witch is breathtakingly scary.  You understand.

Anyway, to my point.  Rachel McAdams also stars in this film.  And there's a scene where the vampire- horse-witch gives all of the family this portrait of Diane Keaton's character preggers with Rachel McAdams character.  And I kidd you not, R.McAdams starts crying on the spot.  Which, of course was scripted.  But you know when you watch a film and can tell they're just making the ugly cry face and it's truly insincere?  She is the opposite of that.  She produces some deep, emotional, crying.  Kind of like the crying I did during "Marley & Me," except a little less hysterical.

And it made me remember "The Notebook."  Didn't she cry two or twenty times in that one?  But with her, you never think, "Ew, this is some overacting and I feel embarrassed for her."  Much like how I feel anytime I see Vanessa Hudgens act in anything.  Including real life.

Thus, this is how I found out that Rachel McAdams superhero ability is most certainly the ability to cry, believably, on the spot.  A useful, and lucrative (in her case), ability.  I think her crying is more believable than my actual, real-life crying.  Though, as we all know, I don't cry and I don't have a heart.  Just an empty bowl that can only be filled by cereal.  The Grinch knows where I'm coming from.

To end this, instead of sharing a compilation of Rachel McAdams displaying her superhero ability, I'd rather share with you this montage of Claire Danes doing the ugly cry face.  She does it quite often in the majority of her work.

Shit Chloe Says

"All 8 months of senior year were great.  Except for those 4 when you were a fucking vegetarian.  What the hell was that?  Just kidding, senior year was the best.  But no, really.  What the fuck was that?"

Take note kids, Chloe does not approve of vegetarianism. 

From the Fashion Graveyard - Sleeveless Turtlenecks

I distinctly remember sleeveless turtlenecks being a big thing around the end of middle school and beginning of high school.  Looking back now, I wish I could punch me in the face for wearing them.  Though, in my defense, everyone was doing it.  Remember kids, that excuse is only valid for purposes of fashion and drug use.  THAT'S IT.

Anyway, these garments literally do not make sense.  You see the turtleneck and think, "Oh, wintertime, that'll keep you warm."  Then you notice that it has no sleeves.  It's like trying to divide by zero.  There is no answer, you cannot compute.  However, for some reason, it seemed like a fashionable choice at the time.  Best of both worlds!  Winter time around the neck, and summer on the arms!  We cray, ya'll!

I had them in 5-6 different colors.  Which further provides proof of the whole, when I like something, I really really like it.  There is no middle ground.

Since I refuse to provide you with a photo of me in middle school (trust me, you don't wanna see the braces and bushy eyebrows combo), instead, here's a photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt sporting one.  I figure the two go together, since they are both epic fails.  OH! And bonus!  She's sporting some ho-hoops.  We'll address that fashion trend in another post.

Shit Chloe Says

One of my fondest memories of my college roommate and I occurred during a lovely winter snow at Carolina.  Mind you, I grew up on a tropical island, so snow was not very common.  And by "very common" I mean not at all.  Needless to say, experiencing an actual winter was pretty exciting.

Anyway, this conversation occurred during our walk from class back to the dorm:

Me (more excited than a child): "OH MY GOD.  LOOK AT ALL THE SNOW ON THE GROUND."

Chloe (not impressed):  "Yeah."

Me: "CAN I THROW A SNOWBALL AT YOU?"

Chloe: "No."

Me: "PLEASE, CHLOE.  PLEASE, PLEASE.  JUST ONE."

Chloe: "No.  Don't."

Me (throws snowball anyway): "HAHAHAHA."

Chloe: "Fuck you."

Best friends forever, ya'll!

Also, in case you're wondering why all of my lines are in caps, it's because I'm always yelling. Always.

Things I Love - HobNobs

One of my life goals is to eventually develop a British accent.  And, in the by chance that I have an offspring, I plan to raise them for at least the first 10 years of their life in the U.K. so they'll also have an accent.  I know, my aspirations are inspiring.

Point here being that I love several things from the U.K.  One of these things being HobNobs.  If you haven't heard of them, they're these cookies, or as the Brits call them, "biscuits," that are made of oats and goodness and covered in nature's candy (chocolate).  I originally heard of them when Britain's Sweetheart, aka Britain's Britney, aka Queen Cheryl of Cole, aka Cheryl Cole, talked about them in an interview and said they were her favorite.

So, being that what celebrities say is usually dependable and trustworthy, I found it necessary to buy them during my first trip to New York City.  I mean, if they're good enough for my friend Cheryl, they're good enough for me.

And dear God, they are delicious.  And by "delicious," I mean amazingly delicious.  Combining sweet carbs and chocolate always produces positive results; ask any doctor or scientist.

I highly suggest you buy a pack anytime that you can.  I figure if I eat enough of them, I'll just magically develop an accent.  That makes sense.  Queen Cheryl approves this message.

Shit Chloe Says

During a discussion regarding how we put on our bras, this little gem came about.  I'll give you no further context, and just leave it open to interpretation:

"If you have boobs in the front, you can't have boobs in the back."