What Did We Learn from the 2015 Oscars?

1.  Anna Kendrick elicits an involuntary reaction. Mainly, I grab my head and yell "YAAAAAAS." When she appeared on the red carpet, I wasn't even looking at the TV. In fact, I was staring contently at a burrito, because, date night you know. Anyway, then I hear them announce Anna Kendrick, and I immediately lost my shit. And for someone to steal my attention away from an amazing burrito, that's saying something. Also, she obviously slayed the fashion game with this gown and the minimal jewelry.

2.  Rosamund Pike, Reese Witherspoon and Emma Stone also nailed it. Didn't Rosamund Pike have a baby like 30 minutes ago? That Amazing Amy is something (oh big surprise that I went for the easy reference there). And has Reese ever worn anything terrible? Even when she wore bright pink dresses to the "Legally Blonde" premieres, it was like "Oh, she's just being Reese." Lastly, Emma is almost on the head-grabbing level of Anna Kendrick. As a note, I was rooting for any of these ladies to win and obviously they didn't because The Academy continues to ignore the Power Point presentations I send them.

3.  ScarJo came dressed as Miley. Did someone send her a joke invite that said it was a costume party? That ScarJo is so silly. She's probably too busy homewrecking and eating cigarettes to keep her voice scratchy to take the time to read an actual invite. Okay, so the homewrecking allegation is unfounded, I just assume she is exactly like her character in "He's Just Not That Into You," SUE ME. The eating cigarettes thing is totally true though. I saw her do it once and not even on a dare.

4.  Gaga finished the dishes then decided to amaze us with a tribute to "The Sound of Music." I think people forget that she has such an amazing voice, which is hard to believe since she really showed her vocal range in such power ballads as "Poker Face" and "Alejandro." Broadway classics for sure. I'm not going to linger on the red gloves debacle except to say, don't you think her hands were sweaty? I bet she took them off and her hands were all soggy. In the gif below, she's not even doing that hand motion in honor of Julia Andrews. She's doing it to air those hands out. 

5.  Eddie Redmayne reached expert level in being our Taylor Swift. First, I'll say something nice. I enjoyed that suit. The whole navy suit deal is superb. In fact, Ansel Elgort (who was sitting behind Eddie Swift) was wearing essentially the same suit. Sadly, I only looked at the suit for 2 seconds before once again zoning in on his confusingly chapped lips. Are they chapped? Aren't they? You know who he should become friends with -- LL Cool J. He's always licking his lips. He understands the struggle of perpetual chappedness. 

6.  John Travolta is frightening. Was he abducted by aliens at some point? Or like, did he participate in some sort of brain swap program with a lamp? To see if lamps could in fact take on human brain function.  Also, do you think if I pull just one of his hairs out, the whole deal will just poof into a bunch of tiny doll hairs? And we can't forget that chain. Do you think he put it on and his wife was like "OMG, you look so handsome!" Because I know I too think that jewelry similar in appearance to door chains is soooo luxurious. In both of these photos, I know he's only touching these women as a way of testing to see if he can suck the youth out of them. 

7.  Matthew McConaughey looked like the creepy guy who is always hanging out at your local gas station. You know, the guy who smells like a mixture of must, coffee, cigarettes and general dirtiness. And I'm not insinuating that he got some sort of pubes hair transplant for that beard, but if you want to spread that rumor, it's cool. #bubblebathbeard has evolved.

8.  I want Meryl and J.Lo to follow me around and be my life cheerleaders. Having Meryl clap for you is worth more than the entire economy of some countries. If I ever win any major award, I plan to spend the entire 8 seconds I get before being played off to thank Meryl, in hopes of being blessed with the #MerylPoint.

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9.  Speaking of moments that made me clap and point and yell YAAAS:

10.  Apparently filming a movie for 12 years doesn't always guarantee you an award. I'm not specifically referring to anyone here or anything. But I guess that documentary of me eating tofu every day for 12 years isn't going to do as well as I thought. #Soyhood

11.  Felicity Jones should've won an award for Best Bangs because seriously, do you understand how hard bangs are. On the spectrum of things, they're probably around the same level of difficulty as open heart surgery.  Also, to be quite honest, Eddie Chapped Lips should've shared his award with her because her performance in "The Theory of Everything" was amazing. And actually, her bangs were amazing in that too. WHAT'S A GIRL GOTTA DO TO GET AN AWARD FOR BANGS?

12.  Emma Stone. Lego Oscar. That is all. (And kudos to her mom, who is Julie Andrews' twin)

13.  Patricia Arquette copied my post-drunken-night-I'm-now-hungover-give-me-toast bird nest hairdo. People don't understand the skill that goes into this look. I'm also taking his opportunity to point out that Meryl was nominated in this category and didn't win. You all know what happens when Meryl is nominated and doesn't win right? I'll give you hint -- JNCO Jeans are now making a comeback. When you upset the Meryl, she punishes you with a plague of terrible fashion.

14. I'm obviously ending this post with the most beautiful couple at the event: Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. Or, as I call them, Mrs. and Mr. Teig. She was gorg at the event, then changed into a dress with cutouts for the after party and ate In-n-Out. Please look at the amazed look on the men's faces in the background. Because seeing someone in Hollywood eat the food at an event is like Jessica Chastain getting a zit. DOESN'T HAPPEN.

Thanks, Oscars! Let's hope Emma Stone and Anna Kendrick are hosting next year. #Stonedrick2016

What Did We Learn from the 2015 Grammy Awards?

First off, I'm currently the epitome of a First World Problem and do not have internet at my apartment, so I'm pilfering Whole Foods free WiFi while eating my purchases of organic, Argentinian grown baby carrots and kale grown by blind monks (thanks to Chloe for this witty inject).

Let me continue to preface this post by stating that I was unable to watch E!s red carpet coverage. And I don't mean "unable" like it physically pained me, but I actually didn't have access to the channel. So apologies for the lack of Seacrest/Rancic commentary, but I imagine much of their coverage went like this:

Seacrest: Is it hard picking out an outfit?

Every celebrity: No, I'm a human. With a brain. Shoo fly.

To the biznazz:

1.  Women (continued to) own the suit. Rihanna. Anna Kendrick. Charli XCX. Danielle Haim. Let's just note that RiRi's was oversized and she still looked better than me at my high school prom. And Anna Kendrick is giving off the vibe I try to emit when on job interviews, but apparently when I don't wear a shirt under my jacket it's deemed "inappropriate." DOUBLE STANDARD. Though I suppose Anna could wear a potato sack and Chanel would come out with a line of Kendrick Potato Sacks the next day.

2.  Sia won the hair game. First, I am such a fan of this whole "don't show your face thing" and "it's all about the music," because to be honest, Sia is a badass bitch who wrote "Diamonds" in 45 minutes. Do you think she stored snacks under there? Maybe a bag or two of Peanut M&Ms. It should be noted, she looks like what I look like immediately after blow drying my hair. I’m not exaggerating. Just big and fluffy, bangs all over the place. I know, I know, Kristi, how do you not have a boyfriend? Maybe I’m not putting enough cat pictures on my dating profile.

3.  Kristen Wiig is captivating. I kidd you not, when she appeared on stage, I literally jumped onto my bed and put my chin on my hands like I was expecting a bed time story from Mary Poppins. She and Maddie executed the ONE dance move I wish to do on public television – rip off clothes to reveal a nude bodysuit. Though, to be fair, my nude bodysuit would be bejeweled like Britney because that’s the only way to go about it. 

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4.  Beck became a Google sensation. First off, no one beats Beyonce in her house. NO ONE. Except maybe Sam Smith. And I’m not completely biased because I saw Beck live last summer. It was the most amazing nap I’ve ever experienced. Let's be honest, a category with Beyonce, who blew our minds with that surprise album, and Sam Smith whose voice can cure world hunger? It’s like the yellow Starburst winning Best Starburst Flavor. UNBELIEVABLE. This was a moment when I was in complete agreement with Kimmy, "Who?"

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5.  Beyonce winning elicits an involuntary response. Mostly “YAAAAAAAS YONCE YAAAAAAS.” It absolutely surprises the shit out of me, yet I am completely fine with it. I’ve never seen my body react so involuntarily with the exception of Chipotle. YAAAAS CHIPO-PO YAAAAAAS. I decided to include this photo mostly for the woman on the right. She is me at the Grammys. Gets to sit next to Queen Bey. Finally gets in a picture with her. Blinks. DAMMIT.

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6.  Everyone has a moment in their lives when they realize they love Chrissy Teigen. This is a feeling that needs to be embraced. Fully. Completely. Don’t you just want to attend an awards show with her, drink all of Gwyneth Paltrow’s champagne, take shots of vodka in the limo, then eat In-n-Out with her while talking shit about Kim K at 1 am? It’s important to have goals, kids.

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7.  Ryan Tedder’s wig specialist needs to be fired. Seriously. What was going on. It seems he got the window seat on his flight and fell asleep against it. One side all disheveled. This photo really doesn't give you the full impact. You had to watch to see it in action. Literally, to see his hair in action.

8.  Hozier looks like Justin Bobby. Nothing more to add here. Except, don't even pretend like you didn't watch The Hills.

9.  Gwen Stefani continues her reign as flawless human being. Her duet with Adam Levine would've been way better though without Adam Levine. What was he thinking standing next to such an ageless sensation? The only explanation I can surmise is that she is Asian at heart. You know, how Asian women don't age. That is, until they hit 60 and then it's like BAM loss of 2 ft in height and an instant back hump. I await the day that Gwen Stefani poofs into an old Asian woman.

10.  Sam Smith is everything. If I ever break my leg, just play his album for me, and I believe my leg bones will mend. A duet with Mary J. Blige?! I don't even have any witty commentary for this because their voices make me weep like I'm rubbing onions in my eyes.

Cheers, kids! Meeting Chrissy Teigen at Waffle House.

What Did We Learn from the 2015 SAG Awards?

1.  Tatiana Maslany and Tom Cullen are unbelievably beautiful together.  Have you ever made a sandwich with the best salami and cheese and toppings and it was just a masterpiece?  Right, that is them.  This photo (which is dramatically black and white) made me think -- have I ever stared that intensely and lovingly at something?  Yes, yes I have.  I did that just last Tuesday at Chipotle.  That chicken burrito and I had a moment very similar to this one.  I knew I should've used that sepia filter.

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2.  Rashida Jones provided more scientific proof that all red carpet hosts are in an unnecessary competition of ignorance.  It's as if they study all year out of some sort of manual that contains the World's Most Vapidly Ignorant Questions (likely written by Seacrest).  This rocket scientist asked Rashida why she looked so tan, to which Rashida replied:

3.  Wait, you know I can't touch on the subject of red carpet incompetence without mentioning E!. There's no need to provide context and I'm truly only including this because Julianne Moore is straight up rejecting a request to do the Mani Cam, which is by far the icing on the E! cake of boring red carpet coverage.  I can think of zero times I've wanted zoomed in footage of someone's fingers while they pretend their hand is walking down a red carpet.  Unless that hand was Zac Efron's, in which case, I would watch a NatGeo documentary on him trimming his nails.  

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4.  Eddie Redmayne is our new Taylor Swift in terms of delivering the "Oh my God, you like me?" face.  

5.  Just a reminder that Daenerys Targaryen looks like this in real life and occasionally goes by the name "Emilia Clarke."  And she slays the fashion game.  Wait, I can do a better opening: Here we have The Mother of Dragons slaying the red carpet.  OOOOH DANG.  I'm a fan of this dress, but my fav part is the look on her face.  I've been trying to master this raised eyebrow look for years, yet all I produce is this reaction that looks like a baby being surprised by a loud noise.

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6.  This girl missed an important opportunity to be in a photo with Meryl, Jen and Julia (we're on first name basis, get over it).  I respect how she's trying to play it cool, as if three boss ass bitches aren't casually taking a picture behind her.  Let me just explain what I would've done in this scenario: 1) Fully turn around, 2) Place arms around Meryl and Julia, 3) Kiss the top of Jen's head, and 4) Be escorted out of the event and questioned by the authorities as to how I was even allowed to enter the event per the pending restraining orders already in place.  Missed opportunity, girl!

7.  While Jared Leto continued to woo me with his luxurious locks of manliness, Matthew McConaughey opted for a beard made of bubbles.  You know what I'm talking about.  Remember when you were little, and you'd have a Mr. Bubbles bubble bath, and in the process you'd make yourself a beard out of bubbles?  DON'T LIE, YOU DID THIS TOO.  Right, Matty's looks like a hair version of this.  It's confusing and unruly.  Which, oddly enough, "confusing and unruly" is my personal description on Match.com.  Get in line, fellas!  Also, this is the most I've ever said "bubble bath" in my entire life.

8.  BREAKING NEWS:  EMMA STONE'S DRESS HAD POCKETS.  I'm going to assume she used her pockets to store M&Ms and mini bottles of Jameson, because isn't that what everyone keeps in their pockets?  Also, I loved the sheer element to this.  I bet she got to the after party and just ripped off the bottom portion of this dress while shimmying and yelling "SHEERMY SHEERMY" (as opposed to "shimmy shimmy").  She is so punny.

9.  Let's continue on the topic of Emma Stone.  After "Birdman" won for outstanding cast, Naomi Watts tripped over the train of Emma's dress.  Or, as I've been telling people, Emma tripped her.  Haha, that bitch, she cracks me up.  She made this face and then yelled "ASSHAT" with a British accent.  I can read lips, it's one of my many specialties, so I'm 100% positive that's what she said.

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10.  Lastly, Meryl "woo-ed" for Debbie Reynolds who won the Lifetime Achievement Award.  This is literally my only goal in life -- to have Meryl yell "WOO!" at me.  Well, that and to be a pancake eating champion, but I'm already close to achieving that one.  Actually, I just wish Meryl would follow me around and "WOO!" during everyday things.  Brushed my teeth before bed? WOO!  Got guacamole at Chipotle for free?  WOO!  Bought Girl Scout cookies? WOO!

Who knows what'll happen at the Oscars now.  Til then, I'm off to sculpt my bubble bath beard. #bubblebathbeard2015 SPREAD IT LIKE WILDFIRE!

What Did We Learn from the 2015 Golden Globes?

Since this was Tina and Amy's last year hosting, I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity to revive this baby.  So to the two readers I've maintained, I'M ALIVE! I know you're wondering my thoughts on the 2015 Golden Globes, so here we go!

1.  Seacrest and Rancic continued their competition to see who could be the most painfully awkward yet boring red carpet host. This gif summarizes their award winning work:

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Notes on this:

1.  Only Giuliana can make taking a shot with Clooney look boring and terrible.  

2.  Taylor Schilling is yawning like she's watching the annual Grandma Knitting Competition.

3.  A production assistant is rolling out because she aint about this shit.

4.  Amal is wondering how she went from advising Kofi Annan, to this.

5.  Clooney is wondering how Amal went from advising Kofi Annan, to this. 

2.  This girl won the Red Carpet:

Thanks to that older woman and Felicity Jones for holding the arrow for me. I like how in the photo above, she's trying to have a shimmy dance contest with Agatha (the older woman), but Agatha is not having it. And then, in the photo below, she is irate that Sally (the girl in red) let so many mere mortals get within the vicinity of Felicity. Dammit Sally!

3.  Tina and Amy should deliver a monologue before every event/life experience, ever.  Everything was hilarious and nothing hurt.  J.Law wasn't there this year (because we're currently hanging near the beach) so they chose an equally acceptable target:

4.  Jared Leto continues to be the mountain man version of Zac Efron and I'm not complaining. That braid. That beard. I just want him to take me to buy some velcro sandals, gluten free granola, and fat free water before we kayak on a lake built naturally by vegan monks.

5.  Slits down the middle of dresses were a thing. I'm partially confused by this trend because of the pose it evokes.  You have to constantly poke your leg through the slit to prove to people that you do in fact have legs. Otherwise, everyone would be like "Where's her legs?" And then, how does this situation work when you finally sit down? Is it like some sort of open drapes thing? I suppose this is convenient if the venue is really hot and you just need constant air. Environmentally friendly dress!

6.  Emma Stone wore what J.Lo and all the Middle Slit Wearers wished they were wearing.  If I ever go to an awards shows, I am definitely wearing pants. You can sit comfortably in your chair without wondering if your Lady Mary is going to make an appearance. And you can jump around and do cartwheels and all of that other shit that those slit wearers can't do! I'd also choose to wear pants as this would alleviate the view of inappropriateness when Zac Efron/Jared Leto carries me out of the show later that evening.

7.  For the first third of the show, I kept yelling, "WHY IS NO ONE DRINKING?" Which, oddly enough, is what I yell at most events (weddings, poetry readings, funerals, etc.). But then, Chrissy Teigen delivered, yet again. I'm open to marrying both her and John Legend. They have yet to return my calls and messages in bottles.

8.  Joanne Froggatt represented for us Downto(w)n folks. Her first nomination! She was one of the few of the night who I was yelling at the TV to win, and actually won (apparently I didn't yell loud enough for Reese Witherspoon). Also, she looked absolutely gorg. And being that she is teeny tiny, I have this immense urge to pick her up. Do shorter people get sick of this? Getting picked up? I just want to pick her up and be like "Whoooooosh" as I whoosh her around like a plane. Is that rude? No, it's loving.

9.  Boyhood won. How terrible would it have been to film a movie over 12 years only to have it win a Kristi's Choice Award? Albeit, KCA winners do receive a trophy made of Skittles and those recalled Lululemon leggings (I got them on bulk discount), so don't knock the legitimacy of the award. Bottom line here: You should see Boyhood. It's worth it just to see the drastic hairdo changes. 

10.  Lastly, while no one will reach the mastery level of Feyler, I think we've found our 2016 hosts:

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Cheers to extremely random, yet awkward blogging in 2015!