What did we learn from the 2016 Oscars?

MY COMPLAINING FINALLY WORKED. During E!'s pre-show coverage, Giuliana was banished (that might be a dramatic choice of word) from the red carpet, having to report from the Roosevelt Hotel across the street. While we were still subjected to Seacrest, it was 50% less terrible. Kind of like taking half a shot of acid as opposed to a full shot.

So Seacrest. He refused to interview Sacha Baron Cohen, as our dear Ryan has been holding a grudge since Sacha, who while in character as The Dictator years ago, poured ashes over our tiny bumblebee. Nonetheless, he still went over to Seacrest, giving us this moment:

Look how uncomfortable Lady Seacrest is. Discomfort or Botox, who knows. I imagine his inner-voice sounds something like Alicia Silverstone in "Clueless," and at this moment was screeching "HOW DARE YOU, AS IF."

Addressing some of the dresses:

Saoirse Ronan has boobs you guys. She wants us to know. Not gonna lie, I loved this gown color and her whole make-up and hair situation. Probably the most grown up she's looked, which is a good thing because I find it hard to not see her as the shitty little girl in "Atonement" (REMEMBER HOW IT WAS HER FAULT THAT JAMES MCAVOY AND KEIRA KNIGHTLEY DIDN'T END UP TOGETHER? I WILL NEVER FORGET).

Keeping with the green theme, let's bask in the aura of Rachel McAdams.  Based on how frumpy she was in "True Detective" and "Spotlight," you might have forgotten that Rachel is more smokin' than a pork roast at a country picnic. And I love a good pork roast. Normally, I'm not a fan of the slicked back hair look (unless you're J.Law), but she is absolutely pulling this off. Totally dig the mono-leg situation because you essentially only have to shave one of your legs. For all we know, Rachel has a Bigfoot-hairy leg. Movie stars do not have time to shave both legs.

While I loved J.Law's actual Oscars dress, I preferred her dress for the Vanity Fair after party. This is what we call the "OH-DAMN-GIRL" dress. "OH DAMN GIRL, DAT LEG DOE." The dress' cut, the mono-leg allowing for a hidden hairy leg, the shoes, the hair. And I know, it seems like I just love everything J.Law wears, but, that's only because I do. J.Law is like ketchup. She just goes great with everything. I also enjoy the midriff situation because I feel like it's comfortable to air out your belly during such a long night. They had In-n-Out burgers inside the event and I'd like to imagine J.Law ate one then rubbed her bare belly afterward. My friends are hilarious and relatable.

I'm now realizing that my two favorite Oscars dresses are green and my two favorite after party dress are black. Which must mean that my fashion taste is right being that I agree with myself. In a way, Swifty's dress takes notes from all three of the dresses above. She also wants us to know she has boobs (which, congrats!). But she isn't solely emphasizing the mono-leg, meaning she had to actually shave both legs (rookie mistake). Love the color and the cut of this though. But, I bet once she got inside, sitting down was so uncomfortable. You know how when you wear a dress with a slit, you're just in a constant struggle between a thigh cramp and actually exposing your uterus. Though, to be fair, she's Taylor Swift. She has people who can sit for her. Duh.

Notes from the show. You've already read everywhere that Leo won. Kate cried. Gaga was robbed. Sam Smith wasn't quite as good now that he's Skinny Sam. And Mad Max won mad awards (I'm hilarious). Here's some other gems:

My twin, Priyanka Chopra, continues her reign.

Only Priyanka can wear a low ponytail with a middle part and look like a glamazon. The rest of us look like we're just getting out of our Joey boat on Dawson's Creek. I can't even imagine sitting near her at a show, mostly because I'm afraid I would creep the shit out of her (I've learned that continually staring at someone without blinking is deemed "strange"). I feel like she is someone who just moves through life in slow motion, hair swishing about, with a face that has never had a zit or imperfection before. 

Alicia Vikander + Fassbender = CANNOT COMPUTE, BEAUTY OVERLOAD

Do you think they met one day and thought "Oh wow, you're ridiculously good looking, and I'm ridiculously good looking, we should be outrageously good looking together." That's exactly how I imagine their first date went. In a room full of mirrors so they could soak in their own beauty. They're like the couple that comes in the stock photo of an overpriced picture frame from Crate & Barrel. I bet they only do sophisticated things together. Like go to the foreign cinema before eating at a French restaurant. They probably don't wear a t-shirt from high school with sweatpants while eating mac & cheese from a family-sized cooking dish and watching Teen Mom. 

Men are assholes. All hail the Beaven.

So Jenny Beaven won Best Costume Design for Mad Max and while going to the stage, passed by all these sour-faced, old men. Worst of all is Alejandro González Iñárritu with his toddler "I WANT COOKIES" crossed arms and smug look. Are you actually kidding me. Sure, maybe they don't know who she is. But when someone wins one of the biggest awards of their life and they walk by you, YOU MOTHER FRACKING CLAP. Bottom line here: Beaven is a queen and these men are selfish, arrogant assholes who deserve to be throat punched.

Lezbehonest with ourselves about Cate Blanchett.

Let's all stop pretending like we'd turn down an opportunity to have an affair with Cate Blanchett. Seriously. I still haven't seen "Carol," but I find the premise extremely believable purely based on Cate's face. To be completely honest, I waiver between being entranced by her face and being scared shitless that she may murder me. And I like to toe that line. Okay also, please take note of Jennifer Garner in the background. Getting rid of that terrible rash, Ben Affleck, really did wonders for her skin and overall glow.

Operation Entrap Tom Hardy is underway.

It was very difficult to track down a photo where Tom Hardy was not posing with this woman. It's almost like he brought her as his date and calls her his "wife." Almost. Right so Tom is smart. He caught wind of my plan to entrap him with a baby and in response, wore sunglasses. As, I'm sure you are aware, he has the ability to impregnate with simply a look. I've been trying to make eye contact with him for years. 

Brie went 3-for-3.

Golden Globe. SAG. Oscar. Check, check, check. No surprise and also I would've burned this place down had she not won. It's hard to believe Brie started out on Disney, including this amazing music video. Anyway, this was just one of the many presh Briemories of the night. I'm really hoping she uses her newfound level of fame for something good -- like creation of her own cheese brand (Brie's Brie, duh). Or record label (R&Brie Records). Or coastal restaurant (Sea-Brie's).

Final notes: Great dresses. Long show. More awkward moments than me in middle school. Obligatory CT gif to close out the night.