Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 2)

While my selection of TV shows is generally a flaming dumpster, for so long I prided myself on avoiding The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise/Bachelor of Azkaban/etc. I just found the whole premise kind of unnatural. It's like putting a steak in a room with a bunch of starving people. Regardless of if they even like steak or not, they're gonna want it because it's there and they're hungry. My point here is I'm clearly very scientific with my thinking and also I feared how much trash my brain could take after 5 seasons of Vanderpump Rules.

All of the above is moot because I've decided to jump on this bandwagon because Rachel Lindsay is actually intelligent (oh hi law degree from Marquette), from Dallas (oh hi Whataburger and Texas bbq) and MOST SHOCKING, OMG, SHE IS NOT 20 AND BLONDE. GASP. She's 31. Meaning she's older than me so I can trust her. And even though she stole my high school senior photos concept for her promo below, I'm a fan.

I'm skipping commentary on the first week, but here's a quick recap: She stood outside this castle house. It had apparently rained because the ground was wet yet somehow her dress didn't get wet. 31 dudes arrived in limos and each of them tried to make a memorable first impression. Most of them looked like idiots or said something more cliche than everything Freddie Prinze, Jr. has ever said in any teen movie. She then chatted with each of them for approximately 12.5 seconds. At the end of the episode she told 11 of them to sashay away, leaving her with 20 "good ones" and they all drank and SCENE.

To week 2.

Prince Eric of the week: PETER, DUH.

Rachel chose Sebastian Stan-lookalike Peter for the first solo date. They bonded over both having gaps and I don't actually remember much of their conversation because Peter's eyes were more smoldering than Nick Carter in every Backstreet Boys music video. He gave me more heart palpitations than that time I had 3 giant cups of coffee followed by a Red Bull then went to class and could see sounds. For reference, anytime he talks, this is generally how I look:

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So they went to a dog pool party and brought along Rachel's best friend who sources have confirmed has already been announced as the next Bachelor. In case you missed the news alert on your phone, here's a pic of him:

Y'ALL AND HE HAS A CAST AT THE MOMENT. Any doubt I had with this show melted away because if there's anything I love more than being presented with 20 eligible men, it's being presented with one somewhat handicapped dog.

Ursula of the week: Demario and obviously Whaboom

Let's discuss Lucas, aka Whaboom, first. We learned about his dumbass catchphrase in the season premiere and watching him do it is probably the most disgusting thing I've seen since I went to a Chinese buffet and sat at a table in front of some mirrors. 

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Now, I'm not dumb, I know ABC is going to make Rachel keep him around for entertainment purposes and because he infuriates literally everyone who encounters him. 98% of the reason I want to keep watching is so I can finally see when she sends him home (the other 2% being for Copper).

Our eyes and ears were assaulted by him during the first group date, which was a "Husband Material" challenge and also included an introduction by Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis (who are apparently superfans). Rachel made them do random ass domestic tasks like changing a diaper and vacuuming, which I want to make more jokes about but it made sense. Because honestly, all I'm looking for in a partner is a former model, now stay-at-home CEO who can raise our kids, went to culinary school in his free time and enjoys cleaning and folding laundry. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR? 

Anyway, Whaboom won the challenge and the universe wept, but on a positive note, I experienced an epiphany, finally realizing who Lucas reminds me of:

I never even watched Jimmy Neutron, but for some reason I can remember what all of the characters look like. I can only assume this means I was a part of some government experiment that involved removing useful information from my brain (such as "math" and also "science") and replacing it with useless character images from a Nickelodeon cartoon.

To the Demario drama. After the group date basketball game, Demario thought he was so lucky to be asked by Rachel for some alone time. When in reality she was walking him to a funeral for his pride as she had just chatted with his ex-girlfriend, who told Rachel they were still together when he came on the show. The following then happened:

• Demario saw his ex, Lexi, and first said "OHHHHHH" then said "Who's that?"
• Demario said he didn't know Lexi, then admitted they were involved for six months and had "sexual intercourse" (because if he just said "sex," it'd be so confusing)
• Demario said he didn't have keys to Lexi's place, then remembered he did and claimed to have mailed them back to her

For reference, this is Lexi, who I didn't trust at first purely based on those fishhook brows, crazy non-blinking eyes and the fact that she was wearing a scrunchie from 1999 on her hand.

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But she wasn't lying, as was clear in Demario's stuttering attempt to defend himself. Leading Rachel to give us what has to be the best line in the entire show's history: "I'm really gonna need you to get the fuck out." #BOYBYE

Who needs to go next:

Blake spent most of the 120-minute episode complaining about Whaboom, who he knew before the show, saying he isn't here for the right reasons and blah blah blah. I couldn't get over Blake's low-cut tank top and leather necklace that has to be from the PacSun collection, circa 2004. Also, hold onto your panties, he is an "aspiring drummer." What are the show's rules for using "aspiring"? Can I list "aspiring brain surgeon" and "aspiring model" on my resume? Asking for a friend.

Jonathan spent the entire episode weirding me out personally. He creeps me out more than me going through Zac Efron's trash. And look at those dark, cow eyes of his. Plus, he lists his profession as "tickle monster" (wtf). I feel like he's one of those people who tickles you and doesn't smile but stares at you as he's doing it (read: VERY CREEPY).

Including Lee here mostly because of his bouffant hair. It's like he cut all of the hair around the sides of his head and pasted it on top. Can we really trust a man who could be hiding another man in his hair? 

It annoys me that there was no rose ceremony at the end of the TWO HOURS. It's like putting cookies in the oven and hearing the timer go off only to find that the oven is now chained and locked and you can't get the cookies out. WHY. 

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See you next week!

All aboard the 2017 Billboard Music Awards

I'm not exactly sure why Billboard calls this an "awards" show because from what I remember, they handed out like two awards (both of which went to Drake). But if there's anything I enjoy more than a mass celeb gathering, it's a mass feast. Also a mass dachshund gathering. And a mass Zefron-lookalike gathering. Wait, back to the point. I love a show featuring a bunch of live performances. Mostly because you never know if you're gonna get crazy ass Britney at the 2007 VMAs doing "Gimme More" or sassy ass Adele at the 2012 Grammys doing "Rolling in the Deep." And I like taking that risk.

Let's begin by addressing the sinking ship I remain captain of -- E!'s red carpet coverage. We were lucky enough to witness Jason Kennedy fight the urge to fall asleep as his own voice quite literally bored his brain to death. I'm not sure if someone mixed in some downers to his pre-show M&Ms or if maybe someone forgot to plug him in last night to recharge his battery. To be honest, E! could've propped up a bundle of green onions and it would've been more riveting.

But! He did wake up long enough provide us with some hard-hitting journalism, asking Vanessa Hudgens, "Was it a simple decision, to decide to cut your hair?" WHERE IS HIS PULITZER?

To the business:

BEST DRESSED

OH, COME AT ME OVER HALSEY. I DARE YOU. Y'all, it was like 90 degrees on the red carpet (er, pink carpet?) so Halsey came in some weather appropriate wear. While those shoes are likely a bitch to take off when she enters an Asian home, the general lack of a top and breezy front-slit skirt make up for their complicated nature. I would like to lead the revolution to normalize wearing bras as tops because I can't tell you how many times coworkers have made complaints about me coming to work topless. IT'S SUMMER, CAN I LIVE.

I'm also including my new breast friend Olivia Munn here. Her hair and make-up is on point and that dress is top notch. She is literally wearing pasties and boy shorts with a sheer cover-up and once again I'll never understand why this isn't classified as "business casual."

Face bras are it

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Nicki opened the show with a 9-minute medley that included lots of leather and then some half-naked dudes wearing gas masks and honestly it felt like a normal Sunday night for me. Then at some point David Guetta appeared onstage looking like a middle-aged dad whose daughters abandoned him in Hot Topic and it was so charitable of Nicki to let him play with his Macbook onstage. If you don't listen to Nicki, I suggest you immediately download "Beez in the Trap." It's a banger (am I cool enough to say that?) and what I imagine will be my entrance music when I become a cage fighter.

Secondhand embarrassment kills

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Did I miss the United Nations meeting where we retracted our prior ruling to ban Vanessa Hudgens from accessing a mic? Okay and you're probably saying "Well Kristi, you're just salty because she dated Zefron for so long" and yes that's true and yes we did share a very dramatic love triangle past. But it doesn't change the fact that she seems to be a marionette who is trying to prove she is human by over-enunciating our human language. I CAN SEE THOSE STRINGS, PUPPET. Also, one of her bits included her singing Celine and rapping Nicki and I haven't felt more embarrassent since I thought a pad of butter was cheese and ate it in one bite.

Billy Ray Cyrus continues to creep me out

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Billy Ray is like Regina George's mom in Mean Girls, except exponentially creepier and infinitely less cool than Amy Poehler.

And let me just give you some background on my credentials to judge creepiness:
During my inaugural LA-Celeb-Creeping trip, I found myself outside of the Cyrus' mansion in Toluca Lake (I didn't trespass or anything because my probation officer said it wouldn't be a good look). I then saw Billy Ray and (a much younger) Noah walking their dog. And oddly enough, Steve Carrell just around the corner. It was a weird day. My point here is that I'm a creep and it takes a creep to know a creep.

Furthermore, from what I know, he had that one country song back in the day when he was sporting a mullet (which 4 out of 5 doctors agree is a precursor for creepism) and now just clings to his daughters' fame like it's his own and something about that is inherently creepy.

Oh, Miley is country again

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Remember how she spent those couple of years after her "Bangerz" album acting like she discovered weed? She's now over her scientific achievement and trying to prove to us that she is mature and can handle things like having her own credit card, and not just an Old Navy credit card, like a real one. I don't know if I actually believe it because can you ever really forget her looking like a raw chicken "twerking" on Robin Thicke at the VMAs?

And now, a reenactment of how I enter my apartment every day after work

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Camila Cabello continues to steal my trademarked moves. It's common knowledge that aside from the free candy, my primary reason for wanting to be a pop singer is to tear away a stage outfit to reveal a glittery number underneath.

Anyway, this was Single Harmony's first solo performance and it was fire'y. Literally. There were flames onstage. And her dancers wore these MC Hammer pants that kind of made them look like the bad guys in Aladdin while she kind of looked like Hercules? I actually like her debut song, "Crying in the Club" (which, FYI is what I do when I'm about to leave the club and remember I'm getting late night pizza), but this performance was a bit much. And by "bit much" I mean "extra" and by "extra" I mean I loved it and have rewatched it 12.5 times today.

Chandler Bing is Lorde's choreographer and I'm here for it

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The only thing I enjoy more than Lorde's amazing vocals is her amazing dancing. She's spazzy and dinosaur-like, which coincidentally enough is how all of my ex-boyfriends describe me. She performed "Green Light" and her stage setup was like a karaoke room and I actually think she'd be fun to karaoke with (OH SURPRISE SURPRISE I'M ASIAN AND ENJOY KARAOKE). 

20 years later and my heart is still going on

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THAT WHITE DRESS. THOSE BIG ASS SLEEVES. I honestly outdid the screaming I normally reserve for Chrissy T, which was to be expected. 9-year-old me used to BLAST "My Heart Will Go On" while putting together BSB and Hanson photo montages, so needless to say I've always been dramatic and also really artsy. I've never felt such a flood of emotion and the desire to cry since that time Chipotle gave me a burrito bowl for free. And whether or not my best friends are aware, I plan to sing this at all of their weddings. While wearing this specific white dress.

Does anyone have a drink because Drake is still thirsty AF

Don't get me wrong, I love Drake. He is that boyfriend you have who writes you letters and puts dried flowers in them and uses metaphors to describe your beauty and shit. When really all you want is free steak and and a shoulder massage while watching Southern Charm with a bag of Hot Cheetos (we'll never know why I'm single). While accepting his 253rd award of the night, he took the time to woo V.Hudgens and she literally blushed her way to the moon. However, Baby V's reaction was moot, because this was Nicki's:

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John Legend - Chrissy Teigen + Florida Georgia Line = CANNOT COMPUTE

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I was extremely troubled to find my kween was not in attendance because she did not want to fit her back into a dress and instead opted for seeing Magic Mike Live with friends (I'm not making that up, her Snapchat has the receipts). John Legend showed up looking dapper per usual and performed with that voice that makes you feel like you're swimming in pools of gravy on mounds of mashed potatoes. But then, two gentlemen dressed in what can only be described as "random ass items from Forever21" joined him and what the hell, who invited Florida Georgia Line? I have never understood their appeal. And I'm not just saying that because the only country music I accept is Maren Morris, but that is exactly what I'm saying.

UPDATE: I like country music

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Thank you for the scientific evidence, Sam Hunt.

UPDATE #2: I like bowl cuts

This precious K-Pop group, BTS, was the first Korean group to be nominated, invited and win at the Billboard Music Awards (they beat Bieber & others for Top Social Artist). I'm not saying I take credit, but I'm Korean and eat Korean food at least once a month, so let's put credit where credit is due. I've actually never ventured into K-Pop (or J-Pop or literally any Asian music except for XTina singing "Reflection"), but after they blew up on social media from the night, I streamed one of their albums and (brace yourselves I'm about to say it again) IT'S A BANGER. And y'all, the guy in the white shirt is the only one who speaks fluent English and he gave the sweetest, most genuine speech and anyway I guess I can deal with having a boyfriend in Korea too.

CHER CHER CHER CHER

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If I'm just a third as extra as Cher is at 71, I'll count it as a win. I'm not sure what parts of her body are the original parts, but regardless, she looks better than I do as a 20-something-year-old. And she wore pasties from the Lil' Kim collection and used her acceptance speech for the Icon Award to tell us she can plank for 5 minutes which is superhuman and wins for the best humblebrag ever.

Obligatory Chrissy T mention

This has absolutely nothing to do with the show, but rather is just a gem from her Twitter. 

And there you have it! If we take anything away from this show, it's that The Chainsmokers need to scurry back to their basement and leave us alone. 

See you all soon as I use my expertise to provide academic and insightful commentary on The Bachelorette!

Yes, I watched the 2017 MTV Movie & TV Awards

I was obviously drawn in by the catchy name for the show, which is literally called the Music Television Movie and Television Awards. MARKETING IS SPOT ON.

Please remember that I willingly seek out and watch any sort of programming that gathers 2 or more celebrities in one place. That's right. From the Oscars to a livestream of Amy Schumer eating falafel at a cafe with Jennifer Lawrence, I watch it all.

And so, as one of the approximately 10 people who watched the show, I felt it to be my civic duty to recap the evening.

BEST DRESSED, HANDS DOWN

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First off, I need a band-aid because the sharp, perfect angle of Zendaya's brows is cutting me to the core. Even as I write, I'm literally staring at a zoomed in photo because these are the brows that God imagined when he was thinking "What should eyebrows look like?" I absolutely loved this dress and Kermit the Frog color partially because of the open back. I have a really broad back, like Michael Phelps broad (except I don't stick to his workout regimen, only his 12k+ calorie per day regimen). So, anything that allows my big back to be wild and free is magical and worthy of a standing ovation.

As it turns out, I'm not over Zefron

As most of you know via my representatives, Zachary and I went through a pretty nasty breakup, which entailed a lot of me crying outside of his Hollywood Hills mansion and also an unfortunate face tattoo that I've since had removed. Anyway, lately I've felt completely past the Zef obsession, but then he showed up looking like the newest member of BSB and set my heart a flutter and anyway I guess we're back on. If we're being honest, he never lets me around him when he's wearing all white (which is generally every Tuesday and Thursday) because he says I always have chicken wings on my hands, which is both rude and true. Love is so complicated.

Clear heart, full brows, can't lose

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So Emma Watson and her flawless, British ass brows won MTV's first gender-neutral award of the night. And she gave an amazingly eloquent speech considering the venue and the fact that MTV gave an award last year for "Best Shirtless Performance." Juxtaposition, ya know. For a moment I thought I was watching a classy show or an actual awards show, kind of like when you wander into the "designer" shoes section of Nordstrom Rack. It feels fancy and you're like "wow, this is great," but then you step out into the aisle and remember the rest of the store is like a burning building and everyone is a headless chicken trying to save themselves by ripping clothes off racks. Back on point: Emma Watson: great speech, great brows, can't lose.

How I plan to enter every room from now on

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While I'm still not healed from Camilla Cabello leaving Fifth Harmony (but I'm brave so I know I'll make it), this girl knows how to enter a performance. I uphold that the two best things to do onstage are: 1) Descend from the ceiling and 2) Have it rain (like actual water not money). Dramatic, extra things are the point of becoming a performer (so Celine Dion tells me). She performed with J. Balvin and Pitbull and to be honest the sound for all of the performances (not just theirs) was...off? Some sort of odd echo or everyone's backing track was too loud. It's like when you're in the car singing "Genie in a Bottle" and you can't hear yourself so you're like "I'm doing pretty well," and then the track stops and you realize you don't sound like XTina and it's embarrassing for everyone.

BOO, HISS

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Look, I'm not petty about a lot of things except for everything related to celebrities and also everything related to my life. At the heart of Grand Petty Central is Allison Williams. Every siren in my brain goes off telling me she is in fact a terrible person, I can just sense it. And it's rare that my senses are off (except for the first time I smelled weed and thought it smelled like pistachios, when in fact, weed is not made of pistachios). Similar to how Chrissy T involuntarily evokes screaming and yas kween'ing, Allison IMMEDIATELY makes me boo. And who even boos these days? Me, that's who. If you haven't seen "Get Out," see it immediately because I am positive Allison Williams' "character" is actually just Allison Williams.

Oh okay, Gal Gadot

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To be honest, I've never been a fan of Wonder Woman but they make her look pretty badass in this new movie. And wtf, Gal Gadot, being gorgina while jumping through fire. This is also what I look like while lunging at the register at Chick-fil-A to get a breakfast biscuit before they stop serving breakfast. Anyway, it's rude for both her and I to look so flaw free while doing such physical activities and we're both very sorry.

Do Transformers and The Fast & The Furious just alternate releasing movies every year?

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I'm pretty sure Mark Wahlberg and Vin Diesel just alternate coming to the Movie Awards every year to say "And now, here's an exclusive clip from the latest Transformers/Fast & The Furious movie." They don't even have to edit the teleprompter. Who even knows if Mark Wahlberg and Vin Diesel are even separate people, for all we know, they're the same person just making a shit ton of money. They should conclude both series' with the robot car things battling out the racing car things and there's lots of fire and in the end Jordana Brewster's eyebrows are the only survivor.

UPDATE: I'm over The Zef

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Sources have confirmed I'm now dating Ross Butler. Accepting couple names on a rolling basis. #Kross #Rosti #McBut

Big Aiko are tiny and adorable

How long have Big Sean and Jhene Aiko been a thing? And when can we expect a collaboration? And why are they both so little and cute? These are the answers the universe wants.

Be still, my beating heart

Ashton Sanders and Jharrel Jerome won Best Kiss in a category that has generally been disappointing since Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams won back in the day for The Notebook and recreated the kiss onstage. Ashton and Jharrel's win was the best and if you haven't seen Moonlight, what are you even doing right now. I know I've mentioned it before, but I have to reiterate how much that movie made me feel real human emotions. A monstrous task usually only undertaken by wiener dogs.

Cool for the summer

I don't even know what to say here and to be completely honest, I don't want to linger on this too long because I feel Cara Delevingne is staring right into my hair roots trying to transpose my own hair onto her head. At first I thought she was wearing some sort of bald cap thing, but then I was like, why would anyone do that? Nope, this is just her head. And the face she's chosen to pair with said head. I mean, maybe subconsciously I'm just jealous because my own head has more peaks and valleys than a national park. Either way, easy breezy summer hair!

13 Stranger Reasons Why

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The cast of "13 Reasons Why" presented the award for Best Show to the cast of "Stranger Things" and it was so freaking cute. I personally enjoyed both shows and even read the book "13 Reasons Why," which is pretty shocking. And whatever, maybe I read it because I originally heard that Selena Gomez was going to be in the film adaptation. THAT WAS JUST A RUMOR. I read for knowledge which is evident by my serious, mature book collection spanning Twilight to The Hunger Games. Anyway, excited for season 2 of both shows, til then, enjoy this hugging.

And that's it! I leave you with this because I am emotionally confused and what does the heart even want.

See you May 21 for the Billboard Music Awards!