All aboard the 2017 Billboard Music Awards

I'm not exactly sure why Billboard calls this an "awards" show because from what I remember, they handed out like two awards (both of which went to Drake). But if there's anything I enjoy more than a mass celeb gathering, it's a mass feast. Also a mass dachshund gathering. And a mass Zefron-lookalike gathering. Wait, back to the point. I love a show featuring a bunch of live performances. Mostly because you never know if you're gonna get crazy ass Britney at the 2007 VMAs doing "Gimme More" or sassy ass Adele at the 2012 Grammys doing "Rolling in the Deep." And I like taking that risk.

Let's begin by addressing the sinking ship I remain captain of -- E!'s red carpet coverage. We were lucky enough to witness Jason Kennedy fight the urge to fall asleep as his own voice quite literally bored his brain to death. I'm not sure if someone mixed in some downers to his pre-show M&Ms or if maybe someone forgot to plug him in last night to recharge his battery. To be honest, E! could've propped up a bundle of green onions and it would've been more riveting.

But! He did wake up long enough provide us with some hard-hitting journalism, asking Vanessa Hudgens, "Was it a simple decision, to decide to cut your hair?" WHERE IS HIS PULITZER?

To the business:

BEST DRESSED

OH, COME AT ME OVER HALSEY. I DARE YOU. Y'all, it was like 90 degrees on the red carpet (er, pink carpet?) so Halsey came in some weather appropriate wear. While those shoes are likely a bitch to take off when she enters an Asian home, the general lack of a top and breezy front-slit skirt make up for their complicated nature. I would like to lead the revolution to normalize wearing bras as tops because I can't tell you how many times coworkers have made complaints about me coming to work topless. IT'S SUMMER, CAN I LIVE.

I'm also including my new breast friend Olivia Munn here. Her hair and make-up is on point and that dress is top notch. She is literally wearing pasties and boy shorts with a sheer cover-up and once again I'll never understand why this isn't classified as "business casual."

Face bras are it

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Nicki opened the show with a 9-minute medley that included lots of leather and then some half-naked dudes wearing gas masks and honestly it felt like a normal Sunday night for me. Then at some point David Guetta appeared onstage looking like a middle-aged dad whose daughters abandoned him in Hot Topic and it was so charitable of Nicki to let him play with his Macbook onstage. If you don't listen to Nicki, I suggest you immediately download "Beez in the Trap." It's a banger (am I cool enough to say that?) and what I imagine will be my entrance music when I become a cage fighter.

Secondhand embarrassment kills

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Did I miss the United Nations meeting where we retracted our prior ruling to ban Vanessa Hudgens from accessing a mic? Okay and you're probably saying "Well Kristi, you're just salty because she dated Zefron for so long" and yes that's true and yes we did share a very dramatic love triangle past. But it doesn't change the fact that she seems to be a marionette who is trying to prove she is human by over-enunciating our human language. I CAN SEE THOSE STRINGS, PUPPET. Also, one of her bits included her singing Celine and rapping Nicki and I haven't felt more embarrassent since I thought a pad of butter was cheese and ate it in one bite.

Billy Ray Cyrus continues to creep me out

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Billy Ray is like Regina George's mom in Mean Girls, except exponentially creepier and infinitely less cool than Amy Poehler.

And let me just give you some background on my credentials to judge creepiness:
During my inaugural LA-Celeb-Creeping trip, I found myself outside of the Cyrus' mansion in Toluca Lake (I didn't trespass or anything because my probation officer said it wouldn't be a good look). I then saw Billy Ray and (a much younger) Noah walking their dog. And oddly enough, Steve Carrell just around the corner. It was a weird day. My point here is that I'm a creep and it takes a creep to know a creep.

Furthermore, from what I know, he had that one country song back in the day when he was sporting a mullet (which 4 out of 5 doctors agree is a precursor for creepism) and now just clings to his daughters' fame like it's his own and something about that is inherently creepy.

Oh, Miley is country again

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Remember how she spent those couple of years after her "Bangerz" album acting like she discovered weed? She's now over her scientific achievement and trying to prove to us that she is mature and can handle things like having her own credit card, and not just an Old Navy credit card, like a real one. I don't know if I actually believe it because can you ever really forget her looking like a raw chicken "twerking" on Robin Thicke at the VMAs?

And now, a reenactment of how I enter my apartment every day after work

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Camila Cabello continues to steal my trademarked moves. It's common knowledge that aside from the free candy, my primary reason for wanting to be a pop singer is to tear away a stage outfit to reveal a glittery number underneath.

Anyway, this was Single Harmony's first solo performance and it was fire'y. Literally. There were flames onstage. And her dancers wore these MC Hammer pants that kind of made them look like the bad guys in Aladdin while she kind of looked like Hercules? I actually like her debut song, "Crying in the Club" (which, FYI is what I do when I'm about to leave the club and remember I'm getting late night pizza), but this performance was a bit much. And by "bit much" I mean "extra" and by "extra" I mean I loved it and have rewatched it 12.5 times today.

Chandler Bing is Lorde's choreographer and I'm here for it

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The only thing I enjoy more than Lorde's amazing vocals is her amazing dancing. She's spazzy and dinosaur-like, which coincidentally enough is how all of my ex-boyfriends describe me. She performed "Green Light" and her stage setup was like a karaoke room and I actually think she'd be fun to karaoke with (OH SURPRISE SURPRISE I'M ASIAN AND ENJOY KARAOKE). 

20 years later and my heart is still going on

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THAT WHITE DRESS. THOSE BIG ASS SLEEVES. I honestly outdid the screaming I normally reserve for Chrissy T, which was to be expected. 9-year-old me used to BLAST "My Heart Will Go On" while putting together BSB and Hanson photo montages, so needless to say I've always been dramatic and also really artsy. I've never felt such a flood of emotion and the desire to cry since that time Chipotle gave me a burrito bowl for free. And whether or not my best friends are aware, I plan to sing this at all of their weddings. While wearing this specific white dress.

Does anyone have a drink because Drake is still thirsty AF

Don't get me wrong, I love Drake. He is that boyfriend you have who writes you letters and puts dried flowers in them and uses metaphors to describe your beauty and shit. When really all you want is free steak and and a shoulder massage while watching Southern Charm with a bag of Hot Cheetos (we'll never know why I'm single). While accepting his 253rd award of the night, he took the time to woo V.Hudgens and she literally blushed her way to the moon. However, Baby V's reaction was moot, because this was Nicki's:

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John Legend - Chrissy Teigen + Florida Georgia Line = CANNOT COMPUTE

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I was extremely troubled to find my kween was not in attendance because she did not want to fit her back into a dress and instead opted for seeing Magic Mike Live with friends (I'm not making that up, her Snapchat has the receipts). John Legend showed up looking dapper per usual and performed with that voice that makes you feel like you're swimming in pools of gravy on mounds of mashed potatoes. But then, two gentlemen dressed in what can only be described as "random ass items from Forever21" joined him and what the hell, who invited Florida Georgia Line? I have never understood their appeal. And I'm not just saying that because the only country music I accept is Maren Morris, but that is exactly what I'm saying.

UPDATE: I like country music

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Thank you for the scientific evidence, Sam Hunt.

UPDATE #2: I like bowl cuts

This precious K-Pop group, BTS, was the first Korean group to be nominated, invited and win at the Billboard Music Awards (they beat Bieber & others for Top Social Artist). I'm not saying I take credit, but I'm Korean and eat Korean food at least once a month, so let's put credit where credit is due. I've actually never ventured into K-Pop (or J-Pop or literally any Asian music except for XTina singing "Reflection"), but after they blew up on social media from the night, I streamed one of their albums and (brace yourselves I'm about to say it again) IT'S A BANGER. And y'all, the guy in the white shirt is the only one who speaks fluent English and he gave the sweetest, most genuine speech and anyway I guess I can deal with having a boyfriend in Korea too.

CHER CHER CHER CHER

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If I'm just a third as extra as Cher is at 71, I'll count it as a win. I'm not sure what parts of her body are the original parts, but regardless, she looks better than I do as a 20-something-year-old. And she wore pasties from the Lil' Kim collection and used her acceptance speech for the Icon Award to tell us she can plank for 5 minutes which is superhuman and wins for the best humblebrag ever.

Obligatory Chrissy T mention

This has absolutely nothing to do with the show, but rather is just a gem from her Twitter. 

And there you have it! If we take anything away from this show, it's that The Chainsmokers need to scurry back to their basement and leave us alone. 

See you all soon as I use my expertise to provide academic and insightful commentary on The Bachelorette!

What did we learn from the 2016 American Music Awards?

According to every promo before and during the show, the American Music Awards are "one of the biggest nights in music." Which, isn't there only one big night in music called the Grammy Awards? Meaning every other night can be "one of the biggest." Anyway, let's stop debating levels of hugeness.

Operation Phase Out Rancic is in full swing.
This should be better news, but we were still plagued by the Mensa mind of Jason Kennedy who did things like ask Nina Dobrev: "So what have you been eating lately?" DAMN, THAT HARD HITTING JOURNALISM, YOU GUYS. I don't have an actual gif of precious J.Kennedy failing, so I settled for this one of Gaga ignoring Rancic at the Grammys.

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You know those people at work who attempt to make small talk and it ends with an awkward silence and (for me anyway) an uncomfortably loud laugh? That is every celebrity interaction with Jason Kennedy. Except, while this is happening, a camera is panning up and down ogling them at creep levels similar to me standing across the street from the dog park, using my camera to zoom in on dogs.

The blazer + bra trend continues.
And I continue to be reported to HR for wearing it to work. WHERE'S THE EQUALITY.

Has Halsey been cast in season 2 of "Stranger Things"?
I want to first note that pulling off a shaved head is an act next to sainthood. Just imagine your own head shaved. Mine has several random valleys and hills that if shaved would probably look like that deformed potato you find at the bottom of the bag and think "did two potatoes fuse into this one irregularly shaped one?" Right, so shaved head, already a saint. Can we talk about how she looks like the adult version of Eleven?

Also, her voice is insane. Wondering if the aerodynamic nature of her head allows her to breeze through notes. Is that how science works.

The Chainsmokers are not British.
That's right, pick up the crumpets and clotted cream you just dropped. This was pretty earth shattering for me. I'm not exactly sure when I decided in my mind that they were British, but I convinced myself pretty well. Hearing their acceptance speech in an American accent was like being blindsided with the fact that Lindsay Lohan didn't actually have a twin in The Parent Trap.

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Also, the guy who actually sings came dressed as Prince Eric in that baggy white shirt and stripe-down-the-side pants. So, I guess I should've taken that as a hint.

This season on The James Bay Affair.

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This is now the third time the man has impregnated me via television waves and I gotta tell you, I'm getting sick of it. He just walks onstage with his little hat and sharp jawline and BAM. To be honest, I remain absolutely confused at my attraction to his dirty hair. I'm generally not a fan of guys who I would need to share hair ties with because I'm selfish and hair ties are precious commodities. But, I'll consider it for Bay.

CHRISSY TEIGEN IS FLAWLESS AND EVERYONE ELSE IS A BRIDGE TROLL.
You guys. She showed up in this dress from the J.Crew bridal collection and at first I was mad, because this was what I intended to wear as maid of honor at Dr. Chloe's wedding. But then, I remembered that CT ever the thoughtful one and was just giving this dress a test run (not an actual run, because that swishing would've revealed her swisher). I feel confident in its durability (thanks to the safety pins) and general breeziness. I can't tell you how many times I've been at a formal event and thought "Damn, I wish the front of this dress was just a Tarzan flap in front of my flap."

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Anyway, I'm free on Friday so can someone let Chrissy know that I can hang out on Friday, when I'm free.

Sting is great and all but remember that Friends episode where Phoebe pretended to be Ben's mom to get into Sting's home to ask for concert tickets?

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I do not understand the DJ Khaled situation.
He performed with my ex-fiancee Future and Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross and August Alsina. To be honest, I could not pay attention to the song because he kept yelling "DO YOU MIND" which gave me the impression that the name of the song they were performing was called "Do You Mind" (I know I'm such a detective). From what I can gather, his contribution to most songs includes yelling "WE THE BEST" and also "ANOTHA ONE." He also throws in yelling "GO GO GO" to cheer on artists like Future who are actually performing. On top of all of this, DJ Khaled is a member of the Church of Derulo and holds strong beliefs in yelling his name before and during songs.

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According to my iTunes play count of "Come and Get It," I am in fact a Selena Gomez fan.
It's important to understand that only at the American Music Awards does Selenita beat the Queen of Sangin' Adele. But her acceptance speech y'all.

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Gaga's reaction perfectly incapsulates everyone's reaction.

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Also, it's official. I love Fifth Harmony.
I sensed this was coming since my current playlist is comprised of "Work From Home" on repeat. Though, they should issue a disclaimer to that video. Some of us have learned that you cannot just show up to a construction site wearing cut off jean shorts, big hoops and Timbaland boots and start swinging a sledgehammer around. The construction workers tend to frown upon it and call you "crazy" and say things like "we are calling the police" and "where did you even get that sledgehammer we didn't have one on site."

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While I was a bit confused at their "Return of The Mummy" outfits and Legends of the Hidden Temple stage setup, I was still 100% onboard with hair whipping along to the entire performance.

Ariana Grande is a monster, but her voice y'all.
As I've said before, I know Lil' AG is terrible at heart, but you can't argue with those vocals. Which, remember when people were "shocked" about what "Side to Side" was about? You guys. Nicki Minaj LITERALLY raps "ride dick bicycle" (Also, very sorry to type that out and scandalize everyone). What did these people think this song was about? SoulCycle? If that's the case, I don't know how sanitary the bikes are there.

Anyway, her outfit during the show included a vintage lingerie top, modern horsetail and glasses by the SATs.

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And while she belts it out while singing, when she speaks, it's like she's in a competition to be the most soft spoken. Like she has a snowflake on her tongue and doesn't want it to melt. She's also still carrying on with that high ponytail trend. I gotta give it to her -- sometimes I wear a ponytail all day and before bed I feel like my hair has plucked 50% of my brain cells right out. She's gotta be teetering at her max limit of brain cells plucked, right?

Not for any reason or anything, but I Googled, and Shawn Mendes is in fact 18.

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I'm confident in my decision to befriend Olivia Munn.
This friendship was something I pored over and wavered on. But she's actually hilarious and clever and has amazing bangs, so anyway if anybody needs us we'll be on a best friend vacation to Japan where we both lived at one point. #McMunn

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What was with the random audience shots?
Was there really such a small selection of actual celebrities at this event that we had to see mere mortals in the audience? 75% of the audience shots were of older white guys neck dancing (you know, when they are unable to move their hips or anything below their neck so they just bob from side to side). Together, we can put an end to neck dancing.

That's cool and all, Twenty One Pilots, but Sia copyrighted the face hide.

And finally, sometimes you can't be good at everything.

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Listen, I'm sure within her girl squad with Taylor Swift, Gigi Hadid is a hoot. But watching her host was maybe the most uncomfortable I've been since Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosted the Oscars or when Joey Potter sang "On My Own" on Dawson's Creek or when I fell in front of most of my middle school while walking to the band room carrying my flute. But I mean, none of us can model Tommy Hilfiger, so, we all have weaknesses.

There were plenty of other moments, but I'm late to meet The Weeknd to watch Vanderpump Rules. See you in December for the Critics' Choice Awards!