What did we learn from the 2019 Emmys?

First and foremost, the Emmys were already in the negative FOR COMPLETELY SHUTTING OUT BEYONCE'S HOMECOMING FILM. She was nominated in 6 categories at the Creative Arts Emmys and her biggest loss was Outstanding Variety Special to James Corden's Carpool Karaoke. Y'all. Carpool Karaoke beat this:

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Beyonce had twins, ate only lettuce for months, went to 40 spin classes a day between hours of dance practice, and created an artistic masterpiece for Coachella. Meanwhile, James Corden taped a camera to his windshield. SCREAMING.

Luckily, the 14-hour E! Red Carpet caught wind of my anguish and opted out of their normal stupidity this year. Just kidding Rancic brought out her skunk tail and sprayed everyone with the stench of stupid questions. Letting Emilia Clarke and Lin Manuel Miranda's facial expressions speak for all of us:

I realized E!'s red carpet interviews have gotten really long. Over the course of the 400 hour pre-show, they only talked to maybe 10 celebs, tops, compared to the 5,000 Seacrest used to torture in his heyday. This ratio tells me that most A-listers are opting to skip these interviews because, well, it's better for their skin and probably overall wellness.

Speaking of looking your best...

Best dressed

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CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE ZENDAYA INVENTED THE COLOR GREEN. She showed up 2 minutes before the show started and breezed past the media line like the most glamorous gust of wind ever. Hair, makeup, dress, THIS ENTIRE LOOK. I'm screaming. How many studios do you think immediately approached her about a Poison Ivy reboot.

Last thing I'll scream about Zendaya is you should love yourself, but also, if someone offered me the chance to change my entire face and body to be Zendaya, there would be a Kool-Aid man shaped hole in the wall of me barreling through to sign the papers.

Honorary mentions

Emilia Clarke is always in my top 5 during awards season so she obvi didn't disappoint. How mad do you think Joey Potter is that Emilia stole her trademark for the middle part? Also, do you think I can wear this dress to work? I love that she fashioned a dress top out of two pieces of tissue paper — rumor has it, she used it later to stuff a gift for her best friend. We stan a Khaleesi who uses multi-purpose materials! My favorite part of this entire look is the dress' pockets. I am absolutely positive Emilia is someone (like me) who screams "BUT LOOK, IT HAS POCKETS!!" to anyone who will listen, while swishing around.

Including Mandy Moore's Emmys look and after-party look because I haven't seen a more flawless transition since the dissolve slide transition in the 2002 version of Power Point. Love that she drew inspiration from the two best Starburst flavors, which yes speaking of candy, I was upset that she once again did not win an award meaning she DID NOT get to perform "Candy," which is what she would be legally obligated to do.

To the show!

MI'BUSY IS BACK
I love when Michelle Williams is nominated (which is almost every year) because she ALWAYS brings BFF Busy. Here is a story in three parts of their journey at the Emmys from Busy's IG story:

Apparently when you arrive, EVERYONE has to wait in line to walk the carpet. And it was in the 90s on Sunday evening in LA, so can you even imagine how much melted bronzer and foundation was all over that carpet. After getting through the line, they were late getting into the show, so they had to wait by the doors during the (kind of dumb) intro. And after Michelle won, Busy carried her award AS ANY GOOD BEST FRIEND DOES while Michelle answered her 5 billion texts. As my friends know, any awards they get, I get too. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES OF FRIENDSHIP.

Offering some clarification because I needed it: Michelle won the lead actress in a limited series or TV movie category for her work in "Fosse/Verdon," NOT as late recognition for her work on "Dawson's Creek." I know, I was surprised too.

Anyway, this was Busy's reaction during Michelle's acceptance speech:

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Michelle used her stage time to talk about pay inequality in Hollywood, particularly for women of color.

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She ended her speech by mentioning her daughter (with Heath Ledger): "For Matilda, this is for you like everything else" and when I say the tears gushed out, I mean it was a family-sized pack of Gushers in here.

I remain the #1 fan of this friendship and will continue to send them poorly recorded videos of me singing that Paula Cole song I only associate with "Dawson's Creek" until they let me into the friend group.

While on the topic of Dawson
Can someone let me know if I think James Van Der Beek is attractive?

Like I know this suit jacket looks like salmon sashimi that's been out too long, but also, I think I would let him Dawson my Creek? (AYYYYYY, you're welcome).

Billy Porter invented hats

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Billy is the first openly black gay man to win the lead actor in a drama category for his work on "Pose," and he delivered on the fashion and the speech (check it out here). And now he's only one award (the O) away from an EGOT! I also want to note that when he won, he ran up the stairs in 6-inch platforms, which actually should've earned him the Oscar on the spot completing his EGOT.

Well this was unexpected
Phoebe Waller-Bridge and "Fleabag" came through with the upset over "Veep," winning the awards for lead actress in a comedy, comedy series, and writing for a comedy series. I would like to say no one was more shocked than me, but Phoebe proved me wrong:

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And get ready for what may be unpopular opinion: I liked "Fleabag" (the second season more) and found some parts funny, but I def wasn't as obsessed with it as Twitter told me to be. And I do love PWB, but honestly I love what she does for "Killing Eve" more than anything.

Speaking of, Phoebe getting nominated in comedy and drama categories is pretty freaking great. I have personally only been nominated in both a total of zero times, so I can attest to the difficulty.

Speaking of Killing Eve....

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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The lead actress in a drama category was more stacked than my plates at a Vegas buffet and included Emilia Clarke, Sandra Oh and okay those are the only two besides Jodie I would've accepted winning. But I wanted Jodie to win THE MOST. If you've ever seen "Killing Eve" you understand. She has such good comedic timing and makes being a serial assassin look like such a delight (also her character's fashion is ABOVE AND BEYOND anyone else).

She accepted her award wearing all white, featuring no barbecue sauce stains which wow, how. And mentioned she didn't bring her parents to the ceremony because she didn't think she'd win. Leaving you with this moment of Jodie walking offstage with Gwyneth Paltrow, who presented the award:

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I learned that in this moment, Gwyneth could be heard asking Jodie "Do you know any of the nominees?" Um. One of the nominees was Sandra Oh. Who is in the same show as Jodie. Gwyneth literally announced the nominees and had to say both of their names followed by "Killing Eve."

Wait, on the topic of Gwyneth....

When you remember how to do regular human things like walk

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Y'all, this gif is sped up because I'm not exaggerating when I say it took her 8 minutes to walk the 15 feet from backstage to the mic. It's like she was just fitted for these legs and is testing them out for the first time. That or beneath that dress is a bunch of tiny squirrels on each others shoulders pretending to be legs. Honestly, we'll never know.

As a note, I always feel a teensy bit bad making fun of people EXCEPT for Gwyneth who I know is an evil cyborg who has no feelings. For me, it's like making fun of a vacuum (because she really sucks the fun out of everything OOOOOH).

The only one who deserved to win over my husband, Mahershala Ali

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Jharrel Jerome won the award for lead actor in a limited series or TV movie for "When They See Us," and this was Jharrel's first Emmy nomination and first win (1 for 1!). He thanked his mom, who he brought as his date, and the "Exonerated Five" and was absolutely one of the most deserving winners of the night. He's also the first Afro-Latino to win an acting Emmy and the youngest to win the category, major!

Also of note, he had the best stage exit of the night:

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AND NONE FOR BRAN
During one of the 40 tributes to Game of Thrones over the course of the evening, the "main" cast members came onstage to present the award for supporting actress in a limited series or TV movie:

The thing is, I'd say Theon and Melisande (actors on the ends) were not on the show's first string team, but they got to be onstage INSTEAD OF BRAN (insert whatever his real name is here), AKA THE CHARACTER WHO TOOK THE IRON THRONE IN THE END. I screamed at the distinction, not that we needed confirmation that his character (and the show's ending) were dumb as hell. We did get this quick shot of him in the audience, applauding the cast like everyone else:

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While we're on this topic....

In which no one is surprised

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Game of Thrones won the Emmy for drama series, I think because it was promised to them from the get-go, not because the final season was actually good. The last time I saw this many white people on stage was, well, just a few moments before when John Oliver won the award for variety talk series. The show's writer-directors David Benioff and D.B. Weiss gave the acceptance speech because we really all need to hear from them about as much as I need to hear a train whistle in my ear.

Now, I was a huge GoT fan (enough to use the abbreviation), which is why I know the finale was trash. In a poll designed by me given to me by me, all respondents agreed "Killing Eve" should've won.

Some final notes to wrap this up: Yes, we were all laughing AT Kim and Kendall Kardashian not with them; Yes, Sansa Jonas (aka Sophie Turner) should've won the supporting actress in a drama series award; No, I still do not consider The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel a comedy; and No, I still do not want to watch Ozark.

Thanks for reading! Til next time, find me sending my friends closeups of my head asking if I can pull off a middle part and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Finale)

This week's post is brought to you by Chris Harrison officially closing Paradise because we made it to the finale!

I cannot even imagine what level of deep clean these facilities will need. Shoutout to everyone who crawled with me to the finish line of this season!

Let's check in with all of our couples who thought the only choices were to either break up or get engaged after knowing each other for a month.

Nicole and Clay
During their last date, Clay reiterates that he's "starting" to fall in love with Nicole but isn't there yet, all but telling her that his ass sure as hell ain't ready to get engaged. He adds that he's not sure what's holding him back, but like, let's remember that Clay dated Angela for 8 months and never got to the love stage, so one month with Nicole is definitely not gonna do it.

He doesn't think they should spend the night together, which I mean, while his voice is annoying, this is thoughtful of him to not try to hook up with the girl he's (spoiler alert) gonna break up with the next day. Thus, Nicole spends her evening watching fireworks alone with a bottle of champagne (this sounds like a lovely evening tbh).

The next day, as if 8 hours apart can suddenly make Clay realize he's in love and ready to propose, they both show up to the sacrificial altar.

Nicole gives her spiel first, telling Clay she's been in love with him since their first date (um hello stage 4 clinger) and, I cannot emphasize this enough, keeps pronouncing "relationship" like "relayship." RELAYSHIP. This was all I could focus on.

After she pours her heart out, Clay cleans it up with some paper towels and is like "cool story bro, I'm still not there." And actually wants to pursue their relationship more outside of the show to see where it could go. Meaning he wants to grow a real relationship outside of this prison experiment. Well, this will not do for Nicole who only came here for the whole cake or nothing at all, so she leaves him.

And then they both aren't on the reunion after, so RIP to this relayship.

Katie and Chris
As a reminder, here's a side-by-side of Katie and Chris:

They both recognize they've had a hard week, what with Chris thinking he could possibly find something better than Katie and Katie reassuring him that he cannot. They seem to be in a good place and both say they're in love before heading into the Fantasy Suite where I'm sure all of Katie's 15-second fantasies came true.

The next day at the stage where engagements are forced, it's pretty apparent from the bulge in Chris' butt that he's going to propose. That or he really needs to see a doctor:

They both give their lovey dovey speeches (I remain surprised that they memorizes these) before Chris gets down on one knee:

Katie of course says yes and while honestly none of these dodos should get engaged, this is the one couple that REALLY should not have. It was clear Chris was a bit unsure leading up to the engagement and also that Katie could def do better. Luckily, we're blessed enough to see their couples strife play out in real time:

As it turns out, getting engaged does not solve all of your problems. Katie (who is not wearing her ring) admits it's been hard because Chris is not the best communicator (probably because he's only used to communicating via telegram). She says she loves him but is exhausted and he agrees that she has been putting more effort into their relationship and wants to do better. Blah blah, this is literally a continuation of their primary issue in Paradise that ends with them both agreeing they're still in love and Katie puts her ring back on. BUT WAIT. The hot mess express ain't over.

After their segment, we see them outside the studio sort of arguing. Chris claims Katie "blindsided" him because he had no idea she felt this way, which is man speak for "you made me look bad on TV." They argue a bit before he walks off and all I want to say is Katie REALLY needs to move on from this wackass dude. Like, I don't get it. His personality is as bland as baby food.

Hannah and Dylan
They head into the Fantasy Suite to do exactly what they've been doing in Paradise (when they're not napping) —slowly swirl around the pool while clinging to each other like saran wrap.:

I can remember exactly zero conversations of substance these people have had. Dylan obviously proposes because he came into Paradise already president of her fan club:

For a moment, I thought she might say no, which would have LITERALLY killed Dylan. I am positive he would've burst into a bunch of confetti and flown away into the breeze. She says yes though and during the reunion later, we learn our little vanilla pudding cups are still going strong.

Shoutout to Hannah's spray tan.

Demi and Kristian

Demi and Kristian head into the random carpeted proposal area as the strongest of all the couples. Demi proposes and Kristian (obviously) says yes and all I could think about was how hard it must've been to trek through sand in those stilettos. Like, I can barely walk on the beach wearing no shoes, so this is amazing.

Later at the reunion, we learn they're still going strong and Kristian sweetly proposes to Demi:

Rose petals then fall from above because this franchise absolutely owns stock in roses.

Tayshia and JPJ
That's right, this love story didn't end in Paradise. Tayshia and HER FLAWLESS BROWS AND HONESTLY FLAWLESS FACE talks about how she couldn't stop thinking about JPJ when she left Paradise.

Instead of just telling us what happened between them, a camera OF COURSE tracked their relationship happenings post-Paradise:

To summarize: Tayshia went out to Maryland and "surprised "(lolol not) JPJ and told him she made a mistake ending things with him. He tells her he doesn't just throw around the "L" word, which I think means lasagna, so he's obviously still in lasagna with her. He asks her to be his girlfriend and bada bing bada boom, they're together again.

At the reunion, JPJ proceeds to get on one knee leading all of us (including Tayshia) to think he's going to propose. Instead, he expresses his love for her again through some Shakespeare and wtf why did he get on one knee that is so misleading and also bad on the knees.

Sad ass lonely Blake

Thumb Head shows up to the reunion still on his self-pity tour, this time re-hashbrowning the situation between him and Caelynn. When the episode aired of Caelynn confronting him about the situation that guides all of their lives, Stagecoach, he released screenshots of a bunch of text messages between them. Which, I know a guy releasing screenshots of his personal text messages with a woman to his thousands of followers on Instagram sounds grimy, BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE IT IS. He says he released these to prove his innocence which is like robbing someone to prove you aren't a thief (trust me, I took a "street law" class in high school so I know about legal stuff).

He maintains they talked before Paradise and both agreed to not bring up their history and just move on. However, Caelynn crying says otherwise:

I'm gonna be honest and say I was distracted here because LOOK HOW FREAKING TAN DEAN'S HANDS ARE. LIKE, HOLY SHIT. I mean tan or dirty who knows, the man doesn't bathe. For FYI purposes, here's what Dean looks like aside from just his tan hands:

I bet he thinks getting a bolo tie with "C" on it proves he's committed to Caelynn.

I know I use the "beating a dead horse" phrase a lot, but dear God this whole Blake ordeal. At this point, there is no horse left, we have completely beaten it into the ground (is that graphic, I'm sorry). Eventually, the entire group asks for Blake to apologize so they can all move on and Blake, who if we may recall is a huge fan of Blake, thinks that Blake shouldn't have to. To which Mike responds:

Thumb Head eventually does apologize and by "apologize" I mean he says the equivalent of "I'm sorry if you thought I said....." AWW, what a swell guy. I'd love for him to never return to any of these shows again, but knowing ABC and their penchant for messy, over confident fugly guys, he'll def be back for another season of BIP.

I AM SHOCKED, said no one

In a reveal that is as surprising as a kitten growing into a cat, Peter is announced as the next Bachelor. I was still holding out hope that Chris Harrison would randomly say "IT'S MIKE!" to throw us all off, but that doesn't happen. And while I think Peter is adorable and I am willing to go sight seeing around a windmill with him, I have a feeling his season will be a full loaf of white bread. It doesn't air until January, but I'm waging my bets ahead of time that he picks a blonde.

And that's it! Overall, this BIP season was pretty terrible compared to last season, but I guess when we're comparing moldy fruit to moldy vegetables it's all bad. I will continue to watch every single minute of every season, thanks.

See you next week for the Emmys! Til then, find me eating all of the cashews and almonds out of the mixed nuts leaving only peanuts behind and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by THE RETURN OF THE SINGULAR BENCH THIS FRANCHISE HAS AND FORCES INTO EVERY SEASON:

It's week 6! Aka the week we could've wrapped up this dumpster fire season instead of being forced to watch an additional episode next week. Yay!

Who Caelynn chooses

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Last week ended with Dean asking Caelynn to leave with him because he's serious about their relationship as is evident by the shaving of his mustache. Caelynn can't decide between Dean (who lives in a van, has no job and will probably cheat on her at some point) and Connor (who has vocal fry yes, but is also mature and ready to marry and take Caelynn's name). Ultimately, because this show is built on bad decisions, she obviously chooses Dean and has to be like "Oop, sorry Connor, leaving with this homeless man."

Her hand is literally trying to prevent her mouth from voicing her horrendous decision. Dean and Caelynn leave and makeout in the car, which is actually a pretty good preview for their life together. In a vehicle.

Dean notes living in a van is the best because "you're driving in your bedroom," which is perhaps the worst example of efficiency I've ever heard.

Connor then cries because he was sure this woman he just spent 7 days with was his future wife. Luckily a new lady arrives to distract his weeping...

Why you might not remember Revian

I mean aside from the fact that she was only on Colton's season for approx 15 seconds before being sent home, she also had blonde hair. While I appreciate the producers' groundbreaking move to have TWO Asians in Paradise, it's also pretty offensive that one of them isn't me.

Anyway, Revian uses her date card on Connor because he is quite literally the only solo cup left and they head out on a date that includes riding on segways before eating mango because these dates are created by spinning some sort of roulette wheel twice to pair random activities.

I guess there are worse activities than having a man feed you mango while you're wearing a helmet. Connor spends 99% of the time thinking and talking about Caelynn before wrapping up the date by kissing Revian because nothing makes sense here on Confusing Planet.

All oiled up and nowhere to go
The segways and mango just do not set Connor's heart ablaze, so he proceeds to spray himself with Pam before whining about how he wishes Whitney (from Nick Viall's season) was here.

He and Whitney had a "connection" at Chris and Krystal's wedding and by "connection" he means he vocal fried her for 3 minutes. He thinks if he stares at the stairs leading into the beach long enough while saying her name repeatedly, she'll appear like Beetlejuice. When she doesn't immediately appear, Connor decides to leave.

But then of course, Whitney and her great brows arrive:

And she's like "WHURR CONNOR" and everyone tells her that he left after she didn't materialize in front of him. And with that, her and her brows depart:

She heads to his hotel to find him, saying "I hope he's shirtless when I see him" which is not at all foreshadowing for this:

Connor pretends to be surprised as if the producers didn't just knock on his door to scream at him to remove his shirt and they both talk about how happy they are to finally be together again following what I'm sure was a meaningful conversation at the wedding.

Their epic love story ends with Connor touching a woman's knee for the first time ever:

The most embarrassed I have ever been for anyone ever
At the last Rose Ceremony, Luke (aka Lil' Luke aka Poor Man's Nick Viall) decides to shoot his shot and offers his rose to Bri, who responds as such:

Bri is like "ummm who are you and also no thanks," meaning for the first time EVER, a rose is declined. To solidify this moment in history as if we didn't just witness it happen, Chris Harrison's useless ass comes out to say "Wow, this has never happened before, does......anyone wants Luke's rose?"

Anyone's response:

Meanwhile, Luke is standing there holding his flaccid rose looking like a chump.

I've always found him a bit condescending and terrible. And I'm positive he only wears Brooks Brothers, is a "Well, actually" guy who wants to correct anything anyone says and refuses to eat Chinese food in the mall food court because it isn't "authentic."

As he's leaving, he nixes any pity you may have for him by saying he "wanted" to go home anyway but thought he would see if Bri would give him a chance. SURE, JAN.

But wait, Bri is on a roll
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Matt is super torn between Sydney, who he has a strong and deep connection with, and Bri, who he thinks is hot. Like he is just tripping over his boner at the idea he could leave Paradise with a supermodel. And I know he may look like a simple, country white guy but that's only because he is. He ends up following the smoke of his burning loins to Bri, giving her his rose. Sydney goes home, but not before (accurately) predicting that Bri would end up dumping Matt's ass. Also this is the face I make for 50% of the day (the other 50% is spent eating, so):

Matt's conversations with Bri consist of him drooling while calling her a "supermodel" until finally she's like, um sorry Old McDonald, you made the wrong choice and I don't see a future here because I don't think you even know my name, byeeeeee. And they both leave.

I AM IRATE
Chris Harrison paints this final Rose Ceremony as some sort of Armageddon event where people will die if they don't move toward engagement. When like, if you like someone but aren't ready to get engaged, you could just agree to leave together and continue dating in the GASP real world. A wild concept.

All of that is moot because the main point here is: BOTH ASIAN GIRLS GET SENT HOME ON THE SAME NIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. Sydney and Revian. Our founding mother, Lucy Liu, DID NOT break her back carrying the Charlie's Angels franchise for such disrespect. I will never forget this and vow to only watch every episode of every season of this show from now on.

When you finally realize this ain't Stagecoach

As the great poet Justin Timberlake once said: What goes around, comes around. And that "what" finally hits Thumb Head this week.

Because he assumes everyone is obsessed with him, Blake continues to think Kristina actually likes him despite this being her face every time they interact:

He surprises her with some fondue and she in turn surprises him by dumping his Big Toe looking head. He cries and launches into his WOE IS ME spiel while she stares longingly at this plate of fondue wondering if it'd be in bad form to still eat it:

Here's a better shot of the fondue plate because it's important:

They both leave and we all cheer for Kristina finally tossing out this moldy relationship.

A better love story than Twilight

This week, JPJ surprises Tayshia with her own Paradise Prom because she wasn't asked to her own prom WHICH I FIND PRETTY HARD TO BELIEVE. Like I bet they renamed prom at Tayshia's school after her. Anyway, this is pretty adorable and JPJ wears a suit even though the humidity is clearly at 100000%.

Later, Tayshia surprises JPJ with an art session where she decides she's going to sketch him like he's Kate Winslet in Titanic. As a note, under that blanket he's wearing a jean Speedo:

Things seem to be progressing sweetly for them and JPJ finally tells Tayshia that he loves her. And based on this reaction I'm mostly including for the close-up of Tayshia's brows, I knew things were about to get dramatic:

She tells him that she still cannot locate her ticket to There Town, so she won't get there with him. He holds a tsunami wave of tears back and thanks her for some of the most magical moments of his life before getting up to leave.

Tayshia chases after JPJ because she needs to ensure he sees her super cute outfit and also to apologize for how this is ending for them.

He responds like any guy whose just been dumped does (lol jk) — by picking up her and cradling her like a baby while saying she doesn't have to apologize:

And while I still hate this show, I felt the slightest tinge of sadness for the end of this relationship.

Oh that's right, Chris is an idiot
As a reminder, this is Katie:

And this is Chris:

After confirming to Katie that he's 100% in, Chris starts to have his doubts. And honestly I've had my doubts too — mainly I doubt Katie would date Chris' old boring ass had they just met in real life and not on this science experiment of a show.

Right, so Chris, who has been on 80 seasons of this show, is a 4 who is currently dating a 10, and who is desperate to get married, is feeling like maybe something is missing with him and Katie. He finally shares this with Katie and I don't remember most of the convo because it looks like he has pink eye in both eyes:

After he blabbers on, Katie's like I get it you have baggage but I'll pay that excess baggage fee, so whatevs. And that's good enough for Chris and they're back on track.

The only couple that will actually stay together
Demi and Kristian, who are the only ones who met under normal circumstances outside of the show, have a bit of a a rough patch this week stemming from the fact that Demi doesn't like PDA and Kristian does. This is a NORMAL disagreement for a couple to have as opposed to the other overly dramatic arguments these other coconuts are having.

After initially having a passive aggressive conversation where they don't look at each other, Demi talks through her insecurities about having a girlfriend for the first time and Kristian listens and they reaffirm they are the only adults on this beach having an adult relationship. They agree they have some things to work through, but they're both committed to it.

Awake after their 6-week nap!
The producers entice Dylan and Hannah to stay awake for an hour by offering them a date card. And their date is to attend a child's birthday party? A child they do not know. Y'all, this show does some bizarre shit, but this almost tops the list.

I don't want to make generalizations, except wait my nametag says General Manager so here we go: Hannah is DEF one of those white girls who took one year of Spanish and now pronounces "tamales" like she actually knows Spanish.

After crashing a child's birthday party, they work to make everyone feel comfortable by making out in front of them:

Talking about them is putting me to sleep because like this kiss, they are so dry and dull. I'm sure they'll get engaged. And I guess two plain pieces of toast finding each other to make a dry ass sandwich is a good thing.

An update on Clay and Nicole

They hold hands over a plate of beef.

Nicole also tries to get Clay to admit he maybe sorta kinda might possibly be falling in love with her. He is definitely not going to propose.

What is this

Can someone let me know why there's a giant hole on the beach surrounded by velvet ropes like this is some sort of VIP hole. I'm including Blake in the frame for size reference, since he's the biggest (ass)hole on the beach otherwise. Also, every time this giant hole was onscreen (which was oddly pretty often), I kept picturing Leslie Knope falling into that pit in season 1 of Parks & Rec:

And that's it! We're almost at the finish line of this sludge and poo marathon! See you all next week for the finale where honestly none of these people should get engaged but at least one couple will (Dylan & Hannah). Til then, find me Googling "how old is too old to join a k-pop group" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).