Let's chat about the La La Land Awards

The Golden Globes are one of my favorite shows of the year because offering us the mixture of TV with movies is like giving Chanel couture at Forever21 prices. And in case you were wondering, here's a pic of me at this year's show. I'm so embarrassed, I didn't even know anyone was paying attention to me, I look so terrible, I literally just rolled out of bed.

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I obviously could not break my time-honored tradition of self-torture via E!'s Red Carpet. And I mean I watched the pre-pre-pre-pre Red Carpet. Like, the carpet was still being sewn together. That's the only explanation I could think of for the network to subject us to this:

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Now, I know what you're thinking, things could not possibly get worse, right? WRONG, SO TERRIBLY WRONG.

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That's right, E! brought Rancic screeching back into our lives. You know how you get those deep, huge zits that take weeks to form, but you know they're coming? And it's painful and cyst-like and when it finally pops out, its the size of Mt. Fuji and everyone hates you for it. Right, that's Giuliana. Couldn't see her for a while, but she was a'stewing, just planning her fake tan return. Shortly after this encounter, Lily Collins went to the bathroom to find her hands had turned to orange peels.

On the Red Carpet, these were my faves:

Emma Stone won for the evening. When our town fool, Ryan Seacrest, asked her what she was wearing, she responded with this and straight #StoneSlayed him.

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As for the other dresses, Brie Larson rarely disappoints and in this case, she pulled off the difficult scientific task of a red dress on a red carpet (I know there's some sort of joke I can make here about redheads, but I'm abstaining).

Despite the fact I can't wear sleeveless dresses due to lack of breastage to hold things in a northernly direction, I also loved Reese's yellow sleeveless, mono-leg situation. You know how you look back on high school pictures from freshman year when you wore fugly, random colored dresses that were cut and tailored by three blind mice? But then fast forward to your senior year photos when you apparently learned that you didn't need to fit a backpack under your dress and it was okay for it to have finished edges and not have 10 slits? Right, Reese is senior year you. She knows exactly what looks good on her and does it. Celebs, they're just like us!

I wanted to comment on Anna Kendrick last because that's what best friends do. I know what you're thinking -- I'm predictable in picking her as a favorite and she could wear a skort (omg remember skorts, so functional!) with McDonald's bags for shoes and a paper mache egg as a top and I'd be like THE HIGHEST OF ALL FASHION! And yes, that's correct. But I love it when she opts out of the mache top and goes with a gown by Vionnet. 

A couple dresses didn't quite hit the mark, and by "mark," I mean the back of the trash can:

Not joking, when I saw Thadie Newton's dress, I honestly thought she splashed in some mud or experienced some sort of explosive yet glittery diarrhea situation (it happens to the best of us, right). And Carrie. Oh Carrie. Look, I love her, so much so that I sometimes listen to this thing called "country" music. But damn this Bubble Gum Tape situation. It's like she bought several rolls and just spread them around, which who knows, maybe she's the genius who was then able to chew gum that is delicious for 10 seconds, all night.

Enough with the fashion, to the show!

It's 2017, make sure you've got a movie husband and a TV husband

I honestly didn't even know Aaron Taylor Johnson was nominated because I thought they already gave the best supporting actor award to Mahershala Ali. But now that he has been brought into my life, might as well embrace him with open arms and wedding rings. Rumors and also Google tell me that he's actually married, but I'll believe it when I'm charged in court. And Donald Glover! If you've been living under the sea with Sebastian and haven't heard him speak before, rethink your life decisions. His voice is smooth like soft butter being sliced or fresh mashed potatoes being stirred. Or mashed potatoes topped with softened butter. I love all of these things. Donald Glover. Aaron Taylor Johnson. Buttery mashed potatoes.

La La Land Meryl Streep'd everyone

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First, this moment of Emma Stone attempting to hug Damien Chazelle as he's going in for the kiss from his girlfriend following the announcement La La Land won Best Screenplay. EMMA FOREVER. 

Y'all. Best Picture. Best Screenplay. Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy. Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy. Best Director. Best Original Score. Best Original Song. WINNINGEST MOVIE IN GOLDEN GLOBES HISTORY. I'm humble as a bumble bee, so I'm only taking credit for about 75% of this. Emma and Ryan put in work also And if you are one of those horrendous bridge trolls who hated La La Land because you have zero taste and hate puppies and ice cream and freedom and bald eagles, please escort yourself out.

Just kidding, no one out-Meryl's Meryl

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I suggest you watch the Queen's entire speech here. Little known fact: When Meryl Streep was a child, she wanted to grow up to be Meryl Streep. I'll leave you to watch her speech and I honestly don't have much to say except she hates tiny hands too.

Viola Davis introduced and gave Meryl her lifetime achievement award, which seemed 100% right because a Queen can only be honored by another Queen. While I don't quite understand why Viola Davis is still so charitable in lending her time to such things as TV, I'll go with it because it just means we get to see her sweeping both movie and TV awards. And every time she speaks I want to cry because she's that impactful and I'm positive she could persuade me to run through burning buildings or no, something even more drastic. I bet she could talk me into being vegan. HOW DOES SHE DO IT.

No one is happier for our Goosey winning best actor than Ryan Reynolds and Andrew Garfield

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In case your Rydrew radar isn't going off, please focus on the upper left point of the screen. Our baby Goose then accepted his award and gave one of the most precious speeches by actually mentioning his wife and kids and for a moment, I felt fine that he was married to someone not named me. He called Eva Mendes his "lady" and I think the rusty tin shell where my "human heart" should be burst out of my chest.

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WHAT HAPPENS TO THE LEFTOVER GOLDEN GLOBE SANDWICHES?

Thanks to Chrissy T, we learned that the food situation during the show consisted of sandwiches, aka, the other love of my life (Ryans Gosling and Reynolds being #1, er wait, pancakes are #1, er wait, I don't know). 

Upon further investigation, I secured this close-up of the sandwiches on an A-lister table.

THEY ARE UNTOUCHED. NO ONE IS EATING THEM. LOOK HOW SOFT THE BREAD LOOKS. ARE THEY TUNA? EGG SALAD? IS THAT A BOX OF LINDT CHOCOLATES NEXT TO THEM? I have so many questions and concerns. This bothered me for most of the evening. Is there someone I can speak to about this for next year because I'm very interested in helping with the #SandwichSitch.

You know I can't leave the topic of Chrissy (ever, honestly) without addressing her sitting on the red carpet waiting to be interviewed by Seacrest, shaking hands with Ryan Reynolds and chatting with Serena van der Woodsen. We are not worthy.

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Millie Bobby Brown is trying to Zayn her boyband

Let's first discuss how amazing Millie Bobby Brown is in Stranger Things. I felt like a proud mother when I heard she was nominated for best actress in a TV drama. And I mean, I'm adopted, so who knows, I could be her mother. That's how adoption works. Anyway, because she was a nominee, yes it of course made sense for her to get some solo time on the red carpet, but let's talk about the major solo artist vibes she's giving. She is Justin Timberlake. And those boys are *NSync (I literally had to Google where to place the asterisk in their name). She is Zayn and those boys are One Direction. She is Camila Cabello and those boys are Fifth Harmony (TOO SOON). She is Carson Daly and those boys are TRL. You get it. 

A wild Blair Waldorf and Adam Brody appeared!

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It's rare to spot the endangered coupling of Leighton Meester and Adam Brody out in the Hollywood wild, so soak it in. Seeing this is like watching a cross-over episode of The O.C. and Gossip Girl and quite frankly, I'm here for it. It's not very often that Hollywood stars listen to me berating them about who to date via all caps messages and photoshopped photos, so I'm glad to see it works sometimes. Law of averages, right.

#MiBusy forever and ever and ever

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You already know I am the president of the Michelle Williams-Busy Philipps fan club. They made it all the way from Dawson's Creek, y'all! Michelle Williams is kind of like the more reserved, quiet version of Jennifer Lawrence. Amazing actress, but not quite in everyone's face (ergo her absence on social media). While she didn't win for Manchester by the Sea, she's still amazing in every role. Like, remember how she pretended to stand being around Katie Holmes the entire time Dawson's Creek aired? I know it seems like I'm talking a lot about Dawson's Creek but that's only because Dawson's Creek Dawson's Creek Dawson's Creek.

Not too bad of a show. Definitely missed Tina and Amy, but that's something I say about my everyday life. I leave you with this Michelle and Busy pic, post-Golden Globes, that makes my carb-loaded heart soar. See you all for the SAG Awards!

Critiquing the Critics Choice Awards

Much to our surprise, the Critics Choice Awards happened this December as opposed to next January (when they usually air). Meaning, we got TWO Critics Choice Awards in one year. This is exactly the level of freedom our forefathers imagined.

Unfortunately though, Jeopardy champions E! did not host a red carpet. Terrible loss. Rumor has it they were banned from even having a show thanks to the 459 handwritten complaints sent by someone. Who even knows who that shero is.

Before we jump in, here's a random Chrissy Teigen gif. She was not in attendance but I have to feature her in every post and I've also realized a post's first photo is what shows up as the thumbnail and I can't have vampire Lily Collins scaring everyone.

Also, if you're looking for an actual list of winners (how boring) check them here.

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VV excited, here we go!

Here's why E! actually wasn't on the red carpet.

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Lily Collins clearly ate them. Or sucked their blood. I'm not exactly sure what vampire protocol is these days. Her whole lace dress get up complemented by eye makeup made of her victims dried blood and foundation made of their bone dust scared the actual shit out of me. I tried not to make eye contact with the TV too much during this time because I was unsure of the reach of her powers. But on a positive human note, those brows. THOSE BROWS. Always on point no matter the status of her soul.

The quest for number one chest is upon us.

The holiday season is here and cooler temps are abound (even in Los Angeles). So, it makes sense to trim out that pesky part of the dress that covers the majority of your chest. I'm with you Emmy, Kate and Mandy. What do you think happens to that lost material? Do you think they get some sort of bonus dickie made of their dresses fabric? I hope so. Lost material during the holiday season is tragic.

Sometimes it's hard to believe Kaley Cuoco is the highest paid actress on TV.

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What is even happening here. This is what most of us look like when we spend a night out drinking then realize the next morning that we have brunch reservations. Rushing out the door wearing the same pants from last night that you also slept in (for efficiency) while grabbing a curtain from Martha Washington's room as a top. And brush? Both teeth and hair versions, who needs them? I'm a bit at a loss for this top. It's part tree skirt, part old Barbie haunted mansion decor. But I guess when you're getting $1 million per episode, you can do anything you want.

Bear couture is in.

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98% of my brain is dedicated to information relating to celebrities of every caliber. So, it's a pretty big deal that I cannot for the life of me recall why Bella Thorne is a thing. Fame confusion aside, I kind of like this dress? How the design seems to be partially complete like a bear ripped off half of it in the process and the designer was like "ART." Bear claw fashion is one of my faves. If I wore this, I'd be concerned about falling at some point in the night causing the dress to get pulled by Magneto or just honestly some sort of magnet, exposing me through the sheer side. All chicken and eggs on display. I just don't know if that's how I want Ryan Gosling to remember me despite the many letters/photos I've already sent. Which speaking of...

The Goose is loose.

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I can't stand people who deny how attractive Ryan Gosling is. They're the same people who actually just eat the serving size of "two tablespoons" of peanut butter and dab grease off their pizza with paper towels. POOR JUDGMENT AND UNTRUSTWORTHY. Goosey is universal, like Nutella and cheese (not together, er wait, maybe together, will let you know). I'm adamant in the fact that suits were invented to be worn by him. And okay, so maybe this gesture he's doing is the same one he's done to my face when I've ran up to him claiming pregnancy and various other entrapping methods. Look at the size of that hand. And you know what they say. The bigger the hand, the bigger the cooking mitt to take the large cookie cake out of the oven for me. Wait, what were we talking about.

The only thing better than one Ryan is two Ryans.

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I want to preface this by pointing out Ryan Reynolds is wearing a double-breasted suit, which is generally something I'm not a fan of. But I guess when you have 64-pack abs, literally any kind of breast looks good on you. This photo presents an immediate need a movie starring both of them. Called "The Notebook II: Shirtlessly fighting for Kristi's love by bringing her wiener dogs to pet and pancakes to eat." Gotta make sure the producers don't mess up that tagline, I can't tell you how many times I've petted pancakes. Embarrassing to say the least.

I also need to say that Ryan Reynolds was recognized as "Entertainer of the Year." Yeah, you didn't misread that. Apparently everyone else was busy or something. As far as I know, he was in Deadpool? And then a bunch of Blake Lively's Instagram pics? Is that the bar we're judging against? Because if so, I'm looking forward to nominating that Geico gecko next year. And I assume David Beckham will accept the award, as the voice of said gecko.

Does Rami Malek love me or is he trying to kill me?

Look at those adorable kookoo eyes. I like to toe the line between wondering if he'll sweep me away to some tropical island for a relaxing vacation or literally sweep me away under a house. Jk about that last part, he of course wouldn't do that, look at his cute green velvet jacket! It's always so nice when a jawline like that cuts through the cold, tin shell of a heart doctors told me I once had.

MiBusy are peak friendship goals.

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I don't know if you ever watched this American treasure of a show called "Dawson's Creek," but Michelle Williams and Busy Philips are the two best things to come from it. As we all know, Michelle makes like one movie a year and it's always amazing and she always gets nominated. In turn, she ALWAYS brings Busy as her date to every awards show. And it's the best and and someone should really play Paula Cole's "I Don't Wanna Wait" whenever they're together. I suggest you follow Busy on Snapchat because she documents these fancy nights out, and it's what I imagine I'll do once I've starred in a 90s teen drama with Jennifer Lawrence and we exchange knotted friendship bracelets and I then accompany her on her quest to 100 Oscars.

Not usually a fan of Boring Biel, but those bangs!

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I spend at least 20 minutes every Tuesday wondering how Jessica Biel nabbed Justin Timberlake. Do you think it's her super cool stories about 7th Heaven? Boringness aside, I'm onboard with these asymmetrical bangs (or fringe as we say when we're faking a British accent). 10 points for House Boringdor!

For no particular reason, I like mustaches now.

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Fa la la la la la La La Land.

Seven awards including Best Picture. I cannot comprehend why Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling aren't a thing in real life. They star in a movie almost every year and I've sent them countless mock-ups of their wedding invite, so I mean, I don't know what the hold-up is. Nonetheless, looking forward to seeing their movie rack up the Golden Globes and Oscars.

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And finally, favorite dress of the night. #StoneSlays

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See you later this month for Golden Globe predictions (I need to let the nominations marinate) and next month for the big show!