What did we learn from the 2019 Grammys?

Welcome to an awards show where I can't scream about Gemma Chan! Luckily there's plenty of other stuff to screech about because the Grammys were ALMOST 4 HOURS LONG.

This year's recap is brought to you by all of these fans not missing an opportunity to snap photos of their faves on the red carpet:

As is my unexplainable routine, I watched the 12 hours of pre-show coverage because I needed to hear a bunch of Z-listers on E! debate potential looks like "I MEAN SHE WORE CLOTHES LAST YEAR, BUT WILL SHE WEAR CLOTHES THIS YEAR?" Riveting.

In a shocking turn of events, Rancic actually looked pretty great. I can't believe I just typed those words because this is the first time in the history of ever that she's looked great. Just a simple hairdo and makeup and a super cute dress!

But don't worry, she was still steadfast in the level of stupid she brought to the Red Carpet. And I'm positive she brought the fashion extra hard because Seacrest, wearing a suit from his own dumbass collection, wore THESE BOBO ASS SHOES:

I could give two farts if these are Versace or Givenchy or K-Mart — they're ugly. You know who wears these? High school boys who think they're hot shit because they're on the 8th string of the football team and just got new puka shells and a Playstation 2 last week.

Best dressed:

We did not see nearly enough of Jorja Smith who was nominated for Best New Artist. A quick summary of Jorja: she's English, has an amazing voice, won the Brits' Critics Choice Awards last year (past winners include Adele and Ellie Goulding) and allegedly dated Drake in 2017 while they worked on some songs together AND HE GOT A TATTOO FOR HER. Or well, Jorja doesn't think that part is true, but he got an "11" tattoo and her birthday is on June 11 and her debut EP was called "Project 11" so I'll let you deduct what you will. Anyway, THIS LOOK SHE IS SERVING:

This is actually the exact face I make when someone finds out I'm Korean and responds with "Oh, my best friend is Chinese" UM OK. So even though Jorja didn't win, she gave us this look and also her boyfriend is pretty hot and she got Drake to tattoo her birthday on his body so all of that combined, I think, is the equivalent of a lifetime achievement award.

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Here's the thing: K-Pop stars dress INFINITELY better than American pop stars. So while we were rolling out Post Malone who I think might just be a dumpster masquerading as a human, these BTS boys were strolling through in fine ass, tailored suits (made by a Korean designer!). And before you start screaming "Omg how old are they" how about you calm the F down because the youngest one is Jungkook (in the middle waving) and he's 21 and we're dating. It's whatever. We share earrings it's great and we are both old enough to buy alcohol so stop asking.

To the show!

Whatever new girl group this is, I'm in

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Alicia Keys opened the show with Gaga, Jada Pinkett-Smith, J.Lo in a bigass hat AND MICHELLE OBAMA. I could barely hear anything over my own screaming.

I am Ariel

Because Shawn Mendes is clearly Prince Eric with those striped pants. He also wore this silk, sleeveless top and his piano was literally imploding because none of us were expecting to see that body'ody. He started the performance singing "In My Blood," which is coincidentally enough the name of his song and also words I've written in letters to him because nothing says normal, non-creepy love like using the word blood.

After his broody piano playing, Miley came out sporting the ol' vest-with-no-shirt-underneath look and they sang together:

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There is nothing I love more than fire during a performance. It's wildly dramatic and also really dangerous and that's the mix I'm interested in. Also want to note that on the red carpet, Seacrest asked Shawn if he and Miley would "be looking at each other" during the performance to which Shawn was like "Um, yes, we'll both be up there singing together so I'm pretty sure we'll make eye contact" and my mind exploded because Seacrest isn't qualified to interview a toucan.

Speaking of the red carpet, Shawn was obviously one of the best dressed men of the night and here he is thirst trapping all of us:

Very excited to be a member of the Church of Janelle
Janelle Monae gave one of the top 2 performances of the night (check it out here), reminding us that in addition to acting, she can write meaningful lyrics, sing and moonwalk across a stage while wearing PVC leather:

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Meanwhile, half of us can barely eat a grilled cheese while watching a Fyre Fest documentary. Here she is dropping the mic at the end of her performance as she realizes how many mortal uggos are surrounding her.

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We stan a multi-talented queen.

CARDI CARDI CARDI
The other top performance of the night was OBVIOUSLY Cardi. Show producers were smart to put her in the last third of this 18-hour show because things had gotten pretty sleepy. But then:

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She performed "Money" and twerked on top of a piano and it was everything we needed. Plus we were all introduced to Chloe Flower, the pianist who opened Cardi's performance. This is the photo I will show my kids when I force, I mean ask, them if they want to take piano lessons:

"DON'T YOU WANT TO BE A BAD ASS BITCH? DON'T YOU? Now go make Mommy proud."

Cardi also became the first solo woman to win the award for Rap Album. Her speech was so freaking cute because she was legitimately surprised and so so gracious about it (unlike fakes we've seen in the past *COUGH TAYLOR SWIFT COUGH*).

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UMMM BUT CAN OFFSET PLEASE SEE HIMSELF OFF STAGE?? And yes, I know she was gripping his hand because she was so nervous, but I will never forgive him for being in her spotlight (or for cheating on her). Y'all when I say I was happy for her, I mean I literally clenched my heart when her name was announced like I'm some proud grandma. "Invasion of Privacy" was OBJECTIVELY (did you hear me, I said OBJECTIVELY) one of the best albums of 2018. It's got bops, it's got sass, it's got bangers, it cleared up my acne and paid off my car. Amazing.

Final Cardi note: She wore this Little Mermaid getup on the red carpet that only permitted her to move around in a sort of shuffle and I loved everything about it including the hat that I think is supposed to be like the pearl inside an oyster?

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But are we far from the Shallow now

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Based on her reaction to winning, you may not know this little known artist. Her name is Lady Gaga and SHE'S ONLY WON LIKE 450 GRAMMYS. Sure, this year's win was for a song from a movie featuring her first starring role, but dear God how many more times will we have to hear how Bradley Cooper apparently Tony Robbins'd her life and completely changed everything. She continues to act like she was Nikki Blonsky working at Coldstone and got plucked from obscurity to be in "Hairspray." When we all know Gaga was swimming in her pool made of melted down Grammys when B.Coop asked her to be in a recycled movie.

Luckily, we got a glimpse of old Gaga during her performance:

Only one more major awards show left for Gaga to be president of the high school drama club. Then can we please return to walking a red carpet inside an egg.

The bigger the hair, the closer to God

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I love how Kacey Musgraves brings out this bump-it for all her major performances. AND THOSE HOOPS! In a dramatic turn of events that surprised me the most, she was the artist I listened to most on Spotify in 2018. Who would've guessed. "The Golden Hour" really is that bitch. But do I think I am the one to thank for Kacey winning album of the year? Yes I am and she did thank me when she said "Thank you to the fans" UM FANS COME FROM ASIA. I AM ASIAN. So the logical connection is there, you see it. Speaking of fans, for all you history buffs, Kacey actually invented fans:

She performed "Rainbow" and all I want to talk about is how MOTHER FRACKING FLAWLESS HER MAKEUP AND BROWS AND LASHES ARE????? SHE DOES NOT HAVE PORES????

I'm hollering. The other thing I like about her is she looks like she could fight? Like she's definitely punched someone in the face before. And if that doesn't make you want to listen to her album, her reaction to winning Album of the Year should:

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Um, also when she won, this guy was onstage with her?

Wearing football pads and combat boots? So I guess some sort of time traveling fashion disaster? Cool.

When your cloning machine actually works

St. Vincent and Dua Lipa performed a collab of "Masseducation" and "One Kiss" and it was a win all around for short bobs. I saw St. Vincent perform at Panorama last year and by "saw" I mean I have a very blurry drunken image of her singing, I think. Was happy to see her perform because she's great! And Dua always delivers so. But how in the hell does she go to the bathroom with those nails. Or type emails. Or like, peel oranges. Mind boggling.

Things I could've done without
1) Whichever one this is from Dan + Shay wearing a shirt that looks like it includes Bluetooth headphones:

2) And then that same dude during their performance of "Tequila" holding that last note for what felt like 14 minutes:

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I don't even remember what the last word was, but I feel like it was something ordinary, like "pencil" and he just held it for an inordinate amount of time like "PEEEEEEEEEEEENCIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL." We did not ask for this.

3) Everything about the Post Malone + Red Hot Chili Peppers performance. I don't even have a screenshot of it because this was my face the entire time:

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I just kept wondering how the Grammys found the time to gather all of the men I find least attractive and put them on one stage. Like some sort of PSA for birth control and it worked.

4) Everything and I mean EVERYTHING about J.Lo's Motown tribute.

First off, whose idea was it to have J.Lo do the Motown tribute? Secondly, does no one remember that J.Lo doesn't have that great of a voice? Someone was ABSOLUTELY singing behind the scenes for her, Milli Vanilli style. This entire performance was bizarre. Do you think they asked Beyonce first? And after she said no, asked 300 other people who all said no before finally being like "Oh, J.Lo is the last person left to ask"? It is the only explanation.

Things I could've done with more of
1) Maren Morris' hoops

2) Alicia Keys singing every genre of music

She performed a medley of a bunch of hits and some oldies including Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop (That Thing)" and if that piano intro doesn't make you involuntarily scream YESSSSS you are tasteless and I hate you.

3) BTS reaction shots

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4) Close-ups of Dua Lipa's brows

It's upsetting that she gets to be that tall and talented with those naturally great brows. Like, I didn't know we were allowed to choose more than one talent from the talent pool so I only chose "able to eat a lot of food but also gain weight." Pissed.

5) H.E.R. wearing sunglasses indoors

And wait actually that woman behind her with the side eye who clearly has no time for this fucking 15-hour show.

6) Degrassi

7) Childish Gambino

"This is America" won Song and Record of the Year, the first rap song to do so! Donald Glover wasn't there though because we were watching from home, but thank you all for the lovely messages we enjoyed reading them while eating our dumplings and watching Marie Kondo's Netflix show.

And that's it! I mean, obviously 800 other things happened because this show was on for 48 hours. If you want to know irrelevant shit like, all of the actual winners, check that out here.

See you tomorrow for Bachelor trash! Til then, find me making friendship bracelets for me and Chrissy Teigen and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez because we're all friends and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). 

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 5)

This week’s post is brought to you by all of the random shots I got of the ladies blinking. Again, I can’t control fate.

We’re in Thailand this week!

I wonder if Heather will get kissed
Heather gets the first one-on-one date and per emphasis on the fact that she has never kissed anyone, I wonder what the focus of this date and all the camera zooms will be. She greets him in the traditional Bachelor way and Heather’s legs are so long she barely has to jump — she simply lifts one leg at a time onto him like a sloth climbing onto a branch. Romance.

They walk around a floating market and say some really interesting things to each other like “oh, look at these shops” and “what is that in the water” before sitting at some docks to give us plenty of B-roll time for us to learn that Heather is ready for Colton to kiss her.

So then during lunch, as if the show thinks she is a dog in heat, they keep zooming in on Colton’s mouth because I guess eating shrimp is really hot:

We get this great zoom-in and I swear I can smell the garlic.

Heather gets in on the food action too and we learn that she eats food like a baby bird being fed by a mama bird and this is all just one giant unattractive event.

Later during dinner, Colton asks Heather about her dating history because he can’t process her having a boyfriend without kissing him. And she shares that she was with a guy for 8 months but they NEVER KISSED. 8 MONTHS. Is her “boyfriend” named George Glass because:

Anyway, they then head outside for the next part of this tired ass date, which is of course fireworks. Colton gives Heather her first kiss which none of us saw coming even though they were both practically applying Chapstick every 30 seconds.

The look of someone who is "happy for you"
Heather returns to the house to talk about her boring ass date and her first kiss and Elyse makes this face while saying how "happy" she is for her. And I mean, if this isn't the face of genuine happiness I don’t know what is:

So then Elyse, who btw is dressed to go out to the club while everyone else is in pajamas, decides she needs to talk to Colton. And by "talk," I mean cry.

She tells hims that she wants the “time and attention a relationship deserves” and she can’t compete with a bunch of women for a guy AND DEAR GOD DO NONE OF THESE WOMEN HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE PREMISE OF THIS SHOW IS??? This would be like if I went on “Survivor” but then got mad when the producers told me I had to survive. Anyway, she explains she cannot compete for attention even though she came on a show that is specifically centered around competing for attention and at this point I have to point out that her arm looks like a prop arm:

It looks like she’s holding up a fake arm, which sounds stupid but would be really funny. So while she’s holding up this prop arm, Colton reacts to her crying by trying to make a fart noise with his eyes:

Ultimately, Elyse decides to leave, but then after making this decision cries and says she regrets leaving? EVEN THOUGH SHE JUST CHOSE TO LEAVE? HOW MANY MORE BRAIN CELLS DO I HAVE LEFT?

Here's the thing, we should've known there was something off about her based on the fact that she has a Chanel rosary bead tattoo on her foot:

I'm screaming. And I don't want to say this is trashy but oh wait, here I am wearing a trash collector's outfit and beep beep here's my trash truck.

Colton wakes up the next morning looking puffy as hell, so he either cried himself to sleep or ate a bunch of Chinese food and then cried himself to sleep. Standard Saturday night. Bye Elyse!

“Hannah B. swallowed a bug whole” 
For the participation trophy date, the ladies head into the jungle to learn how to find food and water and I have never seen a man so out of his element. I imagine the closest Colton has come to being an outdoorsman is lighting a campfire scented candle. Hannah B. ends up being the only one who participates in the bug eating, I think because she has maybe survived in the woods outside a guy’s house before.

Meanwhile, Sydney shows up looking like J.Lo at the 1999 MTV VMAs. Jungle couture!

The ladies are split into 3 teams to find food and water on their own. Demi and both Hannahs are on a team and being the groundbreaking geniuses they are, determine there is no rule stating where the food and water has to come from. So they take a taxi back into town to a hotel to get burgers, fries and champagne. Meanwhile, Tayshia is on a team with Nicole and Katie and at one point tells them to go find food while her and Colton find more water and by “more water” she means this:

What’s funny about this is that Nicole and Katie are standing literally 2 feet away. Like, they’re just outside this shot.

They all regroup and the Demi + Hannahs group are grinning impressively at their level of ingenuity similar to solving a Rubik's Cube by moving the stickers around. Colton happily accepts being fed the burger and Katie's face is me anytime anyone is eating anything around me:

This part of the date then concludes because they absolutely all have swamp ass.

When you’re upset to share some news

During the evening portion of the group date, Onyeka decides she needs to get this hot piece of gossip out because it’s burning a hole in her. She tells Colton that before Elyse left, she told her that Nicole said she was here to find an “opportunity to get out of Miami.” Colton then does his normal huffing and puffing and “Oh man” because I believe that is the extent of his emotional range.

Onyeka tells the group what she shared with Colton and Tayshia quickly butts in and says she was at that conversation with Elyse and Nicole and what Nicole actually said was “You have to take every opportunity you get.” And this is literally the face of a woman who has just realized she was wrong but decides to not accept being wrong:

Oh, btw, Nicole is there obviously denying what Onyeka says while making this face:

The thing here is: 1) This is all very stupid and we’re all dumber for watching and 2) The whole issue would be squashed if Tayshia just took 5 seconds to be like “Hey Colton, Nicole didn’t say that, I was there. Bye.” Anyway, Onyeka and Nicole are now enemies and all of this arguing made me forget to note that Alabama told Colton earlier in the night that she was falling in love with him. AFTER 5 WEEKS. 5 WEEKS. I’ve had almond milk in my fridge longer (is that ok). Because of this, she of course gets the group date rose.

“On a scale from 1 to hot, Colton is hot” 
Okay, someone may need to explain how scales work to Cassie. She gets the second one-on-one date and it’s a really exciting one. First they make-out in this fishing boat, which Colton says he’s “really comfortable” with Cassie, but his flexed foot says otherwise:

After making out on the super romantic location of the floor of a boat, they land at “their own private island,” which is a random sandbar. This silent film continues as no conversation occurs and just this:

And because we haven’t seen them kiss in the ocean yet, this happens:

Later at dinner, Cassie is like oh wait maybe we should talk about some stuff and this is Colton’s reaction to talking instead of making out:

Cassie acts as if she has something major to share with Colton and it’s GASP that she’s not a virgin. Which, um okay, if this show has taught us anything it’s that being a virgin is a big deal and not being one is whatever. So anyway, they have some sort of forced conversation and Cassie says it’s scary that now people know she isn’t a virgin and I really can’t emphasize enough here how much I hate this show. They then move to the bed to make-out and the prop arm appears again:

Colton tells Cassie that he’s crazy about her and she of course gets a rose.

WTF HAPPENED TO KIRPA

The show completely glazes over the one thing we actually want to know — why does Kirpa have a band-aid on her chin? (Update: thanks to Ling for this explaining why)

I gotta hand it to my fav, she has made it all the way to the international portion of the season without actually talking to Colton. She’s just here to give us great reactions and great brows and that makes her the most valuable player of this entire dumpster fire.

Although actually, this week during the cocktail party, she gets camera time and uses what must be her first time meeting Colton to floss his teeth, which is pretty smart considering how many times this episode we've had to endure close-ups of him eating:

She then relishes in her hot tactics by sitting like this like hey boy, you like dis band-aid:

KIRPA FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE OR NO ONE ELSE.

This again 
The Onyeka-Nicole rivalry appears again because we obviously haven’t had enough. Nicole tells Colton that Onyeka has bullied her since day one and told other girls that she’s mentally unstable so Colton of course runs over to Onyeka to be like "Omg guess what Nicole said" and all of this playground gossip is getting boring. Onyeka and Nicole then talk over each other for a while, getting so loud that at one point Colton makes this face, which is apparently the one he chooses to sport when something catches his attention:

He comes over and plays Dr. Phil, aka sits by useless, and they continue arguing so he decides to take a nap:

Nicole says she isn’t here for “an Instagram husband,” which is clear in the fact that it’s Colton and he’s the equivalent of a Burger King husband but whatever. And what's so wrong with an IG husband anyway? Always getting the best angles and filters?

The episode ends with a dramatic TO BE CONTINUED because yes we should drag this ridiculous argument out for another episode before both women are sent home.

And that’s it! I’ll never forgive the show for bringing their trash fire to Chrissy Teigen’s motherland. See you all next week! Til then, find me making milkshakes for the boys in the yard and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).