What Did We Learn from the 2013 Oscars?

THE PROM OF AWARDS SHOW SEASON, YA'LL! Let me start this post off by stating that I watched half of the Red Carpet show on E! prior to them being kicked off the carpet. I'm assuming partially due to Seacrest's face and general idiocy breaking their cameras. Either way, I watched the last half on ABC, which, for unexplainable reasons, allowed Kristin Chenoweth to screech her way through several interviews.

So, just a few pre-show notes:

Kelly Osbourne has only two statements prepared for critiquing dresses on the Red Carpet:
(1) "OH MY GOD. SHE IS GORGEOUS. I AM OBSESSED."
(2) "SHE LOOKS STUNNING. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL."
As you can tell, she's quite well spoken. And caps lock doesn't do her justice, as she literally was exclaiming both of those comments. E! picks some winners, I'm telling you.

E! stayed on air long enough for them to completely fail the Princess of Awards Show Season, Jennifer Lawrence, when she did the following:

WHAT, J.LAW AND EMMA STONE, BEST FRANDS? That's right folks. However, apparently the camera wasn't working, or as Seacrest fumbled, "We need to get a longer cord." That camera and you both, Seacrest.

I'm not offering any commentary on Kristin Chenoweth, as I'm about 85% positive that she is a gnome who will eventually haunt my dreams.

Anyway, onto notable moments of the show:

By "show" I'm not referring to the first hour and a half of the Oscars, where they handed out awards such as "Best Use of a Make-Up Brush" and "Sound Editing of Sounds Not Related to Explosions." I'm pretty sure those were two of the close races. Show producers should really give us an itinerary ahead of time. Perhaps with the all caps notes of "WATCH HERE FOR: ADELE" as that was really the most important part of the evening.

If you're wondering who the overall winner of the Oscars was, it was in fact, ADELE.

She added an Oscar to her awards collection. Meaning that so far, this season, she's won a Golden Globe, a Grammy, and an Oscar. She'll probably win the NBA Finals next.

One of my favorite moments of the night was when Sandra Bullock presented and made this face:

And then when J.Law won Best Actress (and no one was surprised, but her feet) and tripped walking up to the stage:

I enjoy that she took a moment to silently weep into the stairs after tripping. Only J.Law can play off tripping onto one of the biggest stages for actors. Good thing it wasn't in front of Meryl Streep or Sally Field. I hear they're considering letting her sit at their table.

Also, previously on the Red Carpet, when she was forced to tolerate Seacrest, he asked her if she ate something fatty prior to arriving. To which, she replied that she hadn't had time to eat and was hoping for free food inside, and then she made this expression, further proof that she is my spirit animal:

There were several performances stemmed from musical theater throughout the night, but none of them are worth mentioning except for Helena Bonham Carter during the "Les Miserables" number:

Aside from this shot, she sort stayed out of the spotlight of the performance, standing towards the back corner, like the nonchalant HBIC she is. Also, at one point, I swear, she was attempting to lip lyrics in that way when you're unsure of the words. You know, when you're just saying "Peas and Carrots" over and over, hoping that no one can tell you didn't rehearse. LIKE A BOSS.

Christoph Waltz won for Best Supporting Actor for "Django Unchained," and further cemented himself as one of my unexplainable crushes.

Seriously. I don't know what it is about this silver fox, but I think if I met him in person, I'd just giggle like a 13 year old girl while staring at the ground. Perhaps it's the pronunciation of his name in combination with his semi-accent. IT'S A MEDICAL MYSTERY, YA'LL.

Ben Affleck and "Argo" won for Best Picture, a well-deserved win for the Hooflack. 

He and Jennifer Garner continue to melt my heart like two puppies snuggling together under a blanket. They induce this involuntary "AW" reaction, which was in full form when he thanked her, but clarified that he does not associate her with Iran. Aw, precious. I hope my husband says that to me during our vows.

Other honorable mentions include Kristen Stewart continuing to fail at everything involving being a human and Jessica Chastain continuing her reign as Queen of the Gingers.

Not too shabby this year, I mean, aside from the first 90 minutes of the show. Biggest overall takeaways from the Oscars and this awards show season in general:

1. Ben Affleck has reclaimed my heart.

2. Anne Hathaway is still trying to top her role in "The Princess Diaries." Tough one.

3. Jennifer Lawrence should star in a movie with a soundtrack by Adele. They'd win absolutely everything.

4. Awards shows should stop taking away from their legitimacy by inviting people like Jessica Alba and Kristen Stewart to their prestigious events. Isn't there a screening process?

Lastly, in 2016, I'm voting for Michelle Obama and Meryl Streep for the White House. And Hillary Clinton. They'll win as the first trifecta-President-VP-HBIC. Success!

Shit Chloe Says

Me: "Bruno Mars is touring with Ellie Goulding!"

Chloe: "I love his music! Especially his new song, 'When I Was Your Man.'" 

Me: "Yes!"

Chloe: "It's what I imagine all my exes singing when they think about me."

Me: ...

Chloe: "I'm an egotistical bitch."

As a side note, Chloe's exes also sing "Teardrops on My Guitar" when thinking of her as well as "Big Booty Ho." Okay, I lied about some of that. They don't listen to Taylor Swift.

Thanks, Marina.

So I know a lot of people don't watch music videos anymore, but about 3/4 of the ones that are floating around feature lots of half-naked girls "dancing" and what not. I use quotes, as I'm unsure if what they're doing can be classified as dancing. More along the lines of pre-baby making, or actually, in some videos I think it may be actual baby making.

Thus, I present to you how a music video should be done.  The UK's Marina + The Diamonds (or well, I just call her Marina because we're friends like that) did this video for a pretty catchy song off her sophomore album.

It's like she read my mind and took every idea I had for a music video. The only thing missing is a shirtless Zefron scene. Though, to be fair, had she included that, I think the world would've imploded.

Enjoy!

What Did We Learn from the 2013 Grammy Awards?

Let me begin this post by correcting fools on every social media outlet (particularly Facebook) who were spelling "Grammys" as "Grammies." On music's biggest night, they were handing out trophies, not elderly women. Check yo'self.

As proved evident in all my previous "What Did We Learn" posts, Seacrest and Rancic never disappoint on their level of awkwardness and general failure as Red Carpet hosts. Thus, I won't go into too much detail regarding their shortcomings. Except for this gif of Lady Seacrest hitting T.Swift in the eye with his mic. Everyone wins!

To the show!

First off, I enjoy the drinking game that was invented where you drink everytime LL Cool J licks his lips. I was drunk by the end of his opening monologue. Are his lips that dry? Being that he's famous, can't he afford high quality moisturizer? I'll send him some Burt's Bees.

Adele won the first award of the night. For a song off an album that swept the Grammys last year. A song which she sang live. In other words, Adele could literally sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" in her shower, and it'd win for Best Pop Song. And Best R&B Song. And Best Folk Song. I'm also pretty sure she's nominated for three Espy Awards this year.

It was a big night for the group fun. Though I continue to be eluded by the fact that their lead singer looks like a cartoon character whose name I can't think of. And he continues to wear pants that are both too short for him ("flood" pants) and too tight. I was confused by his pants during their performance, as I was unsure if they were those compression running tights, or well, no that's what they were. Man-pris. And leggings. Manpri-leggings.

Pregnancy can occur via television, as was proved by Miguel's voice and Justin Timberlake in general. My clothes literally melted off my body when both of them sang. It was some sort of phenomenon. I also laughed when JT and Seacrest were on stage together. You could tell Seacrest was marveling at Justin, thinking to himself, "One day, I'll be a real boy!"

Faith Hill has braces. I won't make any jokes here because I know her pain. Also, someone tell Tim McGraw that leather cowboy hats are no longer in, and haven't been in since they were invented.

It was pretty thoughtful of Johnny Depp to make an appearance at the show. His pirate ship captain let him have some land liberty for the weekend to enjoy festivities. But, like Ariel from "The Little Mermaid," he had to return to the ship prior to midnight, otherwise all of those dirty handkerchiefs he wears would vanish into dust. Therefore taking away his pirate-status, AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

One of the most entertaining moments of the night was when Kelly Clarkson went up to accept her award. Girl was drunk as hell, don't act like you didn't see it. First she stumbled over to Katy Perry and John Mayer and said something to them, probably to the effect of, "Oh blargh blarh, ya'll are blargh still frazzle blargh." Then she hugged Miranda Lambert and their dresses got caught together. But, she went back stage, drank 2 pots of coffee and returned to give a flawless performance. Coffee works, ya'll!

ONE WORD: RI-RI. That's one word right? Like a compound word. Rihanna's voice has gotten so much better as compared to her "Pon de Replay" days. And she showed it off. Both figuratively and literally, as the dress she sported on the Red Carpet let us all see her Ri-Nipples. I'm surprised Seacrest didn't suffer an injury, since he stood eye-level to them during their interview. If it had been cold out, he most surely would've suffered a scratched cornea. I'm going to side-step her poor choices in the relationship department, but GIIIRL. Enough said.

Mumford & Sons took home the biggest prize of the evening, but more importantly, CAREY MULLIGAN! This moment was too presh. I literally said "AWW" out loud, as if I had just seen two puppies wearing sweaters, snuggling.

Prince is still fierce. He peacocked onto stage, presented the award, then essentially received credit for Gotye and Kimbra's success during their acceptance speech. That is how you do it. I especially liked how when he walked onto stage, he paused slightly, so as to let the lesser folk take all of his ferocity in.

So, LL Cool J closed the show. I'm guessing no one else was available. I felt sort of embarrassed by it. It was like watching your older uncle try to rap Jay-Z at your birthday party. Plus, he literally seemed to be holding the microphone in his mouth. Hands-free, ya'll!

Final Thoughts:
- I want to be a member of The Lumineers. Either the girl, because, did anyone even know there was a girl in The Lumineers? Didn't think so. Or, I'd want to be the guy who "plays" the tambourine and only says "HO!" during their song. I could do either of these jobs with ease.
- There were far too many shots of T.Swift dancing. Ain't nobody got time for that.
- Next year, Adele will return and win every single award.

Hope everyone enjoyed the show! Katy Perry's huge set of...jewelry thanks you for your attention.