2017 SAG Awards in the bag

I enjoy the SAG Awards more than the Oscars. YEAH I SAID IT, GRAB YOUR TOP HAT. The show is usually around two hours long and things move pretty smoothly from major category to major category, which, I know, I'm offending anyone who enjoys watching the race for "Best Use of Eyelash Glue in an Action and/or Sci-Fi Movie," so sorry.

This means that the actual red carpet is literally the same length as the show, which, as a person of balance, I love.

First things first (I'm the realest). This is another awards show that makes the mistake of wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on this strange thing called "carbs." This year featured 3200 homemade breadsticks. How do they even know that's the exact number? How do they know some rogue woman didn't sneak into the back bakery and eat 100 of those magic sticks ahead of the show?

Bread aside, the specialty cocktails this year featured vodka in one and tequila in the other, amounting to around 120 bottles of booze. Meryl ended up using tequila as a chaser for the vodka and anyway no one knows where 85 of the bottles went.

On the red carpet, Giuliana and I continued our tortured relationship wherein she says things like "amazeballs" and I restrain myself from tossing my TV out the window. It would seem our lil' G has discovered the 1995 magic of self-tanner and has dove head first (literally). Watching her reminded me of this news article I read last year about a seagull that fell into a vat of chicken tikka masala, dying its feathers orange. Anyway, you tell me who wore it better:

Best dresses

Orange birds aside, I thought 98% of the fashion this year was lovely, with these being my favorites:

1. I imagine Brie Larson was wearing sweatpants and Cheetos an hour before the show, before getting a text from JLaw to remind her about making an appearance. Then she casually dabbed her face with Fairy Godmother fairy dust and slipped into this custom Jason Wu dress that she happened to have in her closet. ALL WITHOUT GETTING CHEETO FINGERS ON IT. This woman is a hero.

2. I can think of exactly zero times I've seen Kerry Washington looking less than flawless. This woman could have the flu, a migraine, pink eye, recent wisdom teeth surgery and a Will-Smith-in-Hitch allergic reaction and still win every single red carpet. I'm not normally one for strapless dresses and grandma-curtain lace, but I love this. 

3. Michelle Williams is like a precious baby bird, but in this dress, she is a fancy ass, shiny baby bird. I love the metallics and the 90s choker and her make-up is always so simple yet elegant and anyway this is my bid to join hers and Busy's friend group. More on #MiBusy later.

4. Y'ALL, SOPHIE TURNER'S GLO-UP THOUGH. Remember when we all hated Sansa on Game of Thrones and to make matters worse she was kind of strange looking? Then out of nowhere she was a badass and fed Ramsay to his dogs and we were all like YOOO. My point here being her red carpet game has been pretty solid the past couple years and this year was no exception. The red dress! The bold lip color! Those old Hollywood waves! I'm only disappointed in her decision to couple with Joe Jonas and his thunder thighs. Maturity is an ever evolving trait.

This is the most important US-UK partnership

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There is only one couple (I think you know who) I involuntarily pterodactyl screech for more than Emily Blunt and John Krasinski. They are the couple who will repopulate the earth after the apocalypse and I didn't even make that up, we all voted on it last year because of impending worries. On this topic, I continue to reiterate that Emily Blunt deserves some sort of award this season for so believably portraying a terrible looking drunk ass fool. Do you know how hard it is to be drunk for months? Very. I myself have only done it twice but had to stop due to causing a french fry famine.

Mahershala Ali invented the white suit

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I haven't voiced this enough, but I would like to marry Mahershala Ali. This thought first struck me when I saw him in House of Cards and it has stuck with me since then which must mean it's a formidable thought. Most men opt for black or navy suits for shows, which is fine if you're Ryan Gosling, but otherwise it's kind of boring. But Mahershala in this white suit. Seeing him elicited one of those "That's So Raven" moments, where I flashed forward into our future to see that we got married and ended up living in a giant Beverly Hills mansion with Chrissy and John because Mahershala is so understanding of me needing to be close to my breast friend.

New phone, who dis?

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No really, does anyone know who this woman is. She keeps showing up to events for actors and I'm starting to wonder if she is involved in acting somehow.

I thought the circus went out of business?

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I don't want to harp on her for too long because Nicole Kidman scares the actual shit out of me and I'm 110% sure she can hear me speak of her because she is an actual ghost. But this parrot dress. She looks a little bit like the Riddler? Or the Joker? We tried to ask her, but due to her impending contest with husband Keith Urban to see who can get the most Botox in a week, she only responded with "Booo blahhh boooo boo," which I translated to mean "I will haunt your dreams."

We have located the source of the world's beauty

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This left me speechless for a bit, similar to what happens to "creatives" when they see an especially moving piece of art. I would pay to see this photo, literally printed on normal printer paper, at a museum in Paris. While I tend to praise CT for her fashion regardless of if it's a designer gown or a pillowcase, I absolutely loved this black wrap dress with a sort of suit jacket top portion. And complemented by a tuxedo-clad Goose and dapper John Legend? And they sat at Meryl's table with (obviously) Ryan and Emma? HOLLYWOOD, STOP PANDERING TO ME.

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I was caught eating a breadstick.

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How was I supposed to know I'd be in the background shot of Emma? Just chewing those last buttery bits with a smug look on my face because NO ONE ELSE AT MY TABLE ATE THEM. No breadstick left behind. While on the topic of Emma, who took home La La Land's only award of the night, this was Brie Larson's reaction to hearing Emma Stone's name announced for leading actress, which is so sugary sweet I had to eat another salty breadstick:

Stranger Things won, but more importantly #Winona

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First off, Stranger Things swooping in with this win was pretty unexpected, so Winona didn't have much time to program her facial expressions. I'm not complaining. Just wanting to know what she mixed in with her tequila cocktails because I'm going to a party with Lady Mary and Lady Edith and the rest of Downton Abbey later and they party hard.

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If you see one film this year, let it be Hidden Figures

Aside from the absolutely amazing performances by Octavia Spencer, Janelle Monae and Taraji P. Henson, this story is so incredibly important. And inspirational. And historic. And okay, some sources report I shed 9-10 tears at it. Similar to how Spotlight kind of surprised everyone by snagging the SAG then the Oscar last year, I'm hopeful Hidden Figures will do the same. 

And lastly, #MiBusy

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You should know by now that this is how I will end every post. Which, is actually pretty similar to how I end most in-person conversations: by presenting a laminated photo of Busy and Michelle with no explanation, just a stern expression.

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What do you think they talk about over bowls of post-show wings? Do you think they wonder what James Van Der Beek is up to? Do you think they YouTube that scene of Katie Holmes singing "On My Own" in that early Dawson's Creek episode? Then drunk dial her and ask her about spaceships and cyborgs and Scientology? These are the hard-hitting questions I'll get to the bottom of.

And that's it folks! A pretty solid SAG Awards to serve as hypeman for the Oscars. See you next month for the Adele-Beyonce Music Awards!

Let's chat about the La La Land Awards

The Golden Globes are one of my favorite shows of the year because offering us the mixture of TV with movies is like giving Chanel couture at Forever21 prices. And in case you were wondering, here's a pic of me at this year's show. I'm so embarrassed, I didn't even know anyone was paying attention to me, I look so terrible, I literally just rolled out of bed.

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I obviously could not break my time-honored tradition of self-torture via E!'s Red Carpet. And I mean I watched the pre-pre-pre-pre Red Carpet. Like, the carpet was still being sewn together. That's the only explanation I could think of for the network to subject us to this:

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Now, I know what you're thinking, things could not possibly get worse, right? WRONG, SO TERRIBLY WRONG.

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That's right, E! brought Rancic screeching back into our lives. You know how you get those deep, huge zits that take weeks to form, but you know they're coming? And it's painful and cyst-like and when it finally pops out, its the size of Mt. Fuji and everyone hates you for it. Right, that's Giuliana. Couldn't see her for a while, but she was a'stewing, just planning her fake tan return. Shortly after this encounter, Lily Collins went to the bathroom to find her hands had turned to orange peels.

On the Red Carpet, these were my faves:

Emma Stone won for the evening. When our town fool, Ryan Seacrest, asked her what she was wearing, she responded with this and straight #StoneSlayed him.

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As for the other dresses, Brie Larson rarely disappoints and in this case, she pulled off the difficult scientific task of a red dress on a red carpet (I know there's some sort of joke I can make here about redheads, but I'm abstaining).

Despite the fact I can't wear sleeveless dresses due to lack of breastage to hold things in a northernly direction, I also loved Reese's yellow sleeveless, mono-leg situation. You know how you look back on high school pictures from freshman year when you wore fugly, random colored dresses that were cut and tailored by three blind mice? But then fast forward to your senior year photos when you apparently learned that you didn't need to fit a backpack under your dress and it was okay for it to have finished edges and not have 10 slits? Right, Reese is senior year you. She knows exactly what looks good on her and does it. Celebs, they're just like us!

I wanted to comment on Anna Kendrick last because that's what best friends do. I know what you're thinking -- I'm predictable in picking her as a favorite and she could wear a skort (omg remember skorts, so functional!) with McDonald's bags for shoes and a paper mache egg as a top and I'd be like THE HIGHEST OF ALL FASHION! And yes, that's correct. But I love it when she opts out of the mache top and goes with a gown by Vionnet. 

A couple dresses didn't quite hit the mark, and by "mark," I mean the back of the trash can:

Not joking, when I saw Thadie Newton's dress, I honestly thought she splashed in some mud or experienced some sort of explosive yet glittery diarrhea situation (it happens to the best of us, right). And Carrie. Oh Carrie. Look, I love her, so much so that I sometimes listen to this thing called "country" music. But damn this Bubble Gum Tape situation. It's like she bought several rolls and just spread them around, which who knows, maybe she's the genius who was then able to chew gum that is delicious for 10 seconds, all night.

Enough with the fashion, to the show!

It's 2017, make sure you've got a movie husband and a TV husband

I honestly didn't even know Aaron Taylor Johnson was nominated because I thought they already gave the best supporting actor award to Mahershala Ali. But now that he has been brought into my life, might as well embrace him with open arms and wedding rings. Rumors and also Google tell me that he's actually married, but I'll believe it when I'm charged in court. And Donald Glover! If you've been living under the sea with Sebastian and haven't heard him speak before, rethink your life decisions. His voice is smooth like soft butter being sliced or fresh mashed potatoes being stirred. Or mashed potatoes topped with softened butter. I love all of these things. Donald Glover. Aaron Taylor Johnson. Buttery mashed potatoes.

La La Land Meryl Streep'd everyone

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First, this moment of Emma Stone attempting to hug Damien Chazelle as he's going in for the kiss from his girlfriend following the announcement La La Land won Best Screenplay. EMMA FOREVER. 

Y'all. Best Picture. Best Screenplay. Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy. Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy. Best Director. Best Original Score. Best Original Song. WINNINGEST MOVIE IN GOLDEN GLOBES HISTORY. I'm humble as a bumble bee, so I'm only taking credit for about 75% of this. Emma and Ryan put in work also And if you are one of those horrendous bridge trolls who hated La La Land because you have zero taste and hate puppies and ice cream and freedom and bald eagles, please escort yourself out.

Just kidding, no one out-Meryl's Meryl

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I suggest you watch the Queen's entire speech here. Little known fact: When Meryl Streep was a child, she wanted to grow up to be Meryl Streep. I'll leave you to watch her speech and I honestly don't have much to say except she hates tiny hands too.

Viola Davis introduced and gave Meryl her lifetime achievement award, which seemed 100% right because a Queen can only be honored by another Queen. While I don't quite understand why Viola Davis is still so charitable in lending her time to such things as TV, I'll go with it because it just means we get to see her sweeping both movie and TV awards. And every time she speaks I want to cry because she's that impactful and I'm positive she could persuade me to run through burning buildings or no, something even more drastic. I bet she could talk me into being vegan. HOW DOES SHE DO IT.

No one is happier for our Goosey winning best actor than Ryan Reynolds and Andrew Garfield

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In case your Rydrew radar isn't going off, please focus on the upper left point of the screen. Our baby Goose then accepted his award and gave one of the most precious speeches by actually mentioning his wife and kids and for a moment, I felt fine that he was married to someone not named me. He called Eva Mendes his "lady" and I think the rusty tin shell where my "human heart" should be burst out of my chest.

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WHAT HAPPENS TO THE LEFTOVER GOLDEN GLOBE SANDWICHES?

Thanks to Chrissy T, we learned that the food situation during the show consisted of sandwiches, aka, the other love of my life (Ryans Gosling and Reynolds being #1, er wait, pancakes are #1, er wait, I don't know). 

Upon further investigation, I secured this close-up of the sandwiches on an A-lister table.

THEY ARE UNTOUCHED. NO ONE IS EATING THEM. LOOK HOW SOFT THE BREAD LOOKS. ARE THEY TUNA? EGG SALAD? IS THAT A BOX OF LINDT CHOCOLATES NEXT TO THEM? I have so many questions and concerns. This bothered me for most of the evening. Is there someone I can speak to about this for next year because I'm very interested in helping with the #SandwichSitch.

You know I can't leave the topic of Chrissy (ever, honestly) without addressing her sitting on the red carpet waiting to be interviewed by Seacrest, shaking hands with Ryan Reynolds and chatting with Serena van der Woodsen. We are not worthy.

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Millie Bobby Brown is trying to Zayn her boyband

Let's first discuss how amazing Millie Bobby Brown is in Stranger Things. I felt like a proud mother when I heard she was nominated for best actress in a TV drama. And I mean, I'm adopted, so who knows, I could be her mother. That's how adoption works. Anyway, because she was a nominee, yes it of course made sense for her to get some solo time on the red carpet, but let's talk about the major solo artist vibes she's giving. She is Justin Timberlake. And those boys are *NSync (I literally had to Google where to place the asterisk in their name). She is Zayn and those boys are One Direction. She is Camila Cabello and those boys are Fifth Harmony (TOO SOON). She is Carson Daly and those boys are TRL. You get it. 

A wild Blair Waldorf and Adam Brody appeared!

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It's rare to spot the endangered coupling of Leighton Meester and Adam Brody out in the Hollywood wild, so soak it in. Seeing this is like watching a cross-over episode of The O.C. and Gossip Girl and quite frankly, I'm here for it. It's not very often that Hollywood stars listen to me berating them about who to date via all caps messages and photoshopped photos, so I'm glad to see it works sometimes. Law of averages, right.

#MiBusy forever and ever and ever

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You already know I am the president of the Michelle Williams-Busy Philipps fan club. They made it all the way from Dawson's Creek, y'all! Michelle Williams is kind of like the more reserved, quiet version of Jennifer Lawrence. Amazing actress, but not quite in everyone's face (ergo her absence on social media). While she didn't win for Manchester by the Sea, she's still amazing in every role. Like, remember how she pretended to stand being around Katie Holmes the entire time Dawson's Creek aired? I know it seems like I'm talking a lot about Dawson's Creek but that's only because Dawson's Creek Dawson's Creek Dawson's Creek.

Not too bad of a show. Definitely missed Tina and Amy, but that's something I say about my everyday life. I leave you with this Michelle and Busy pic, post-Golden Globes, that makes my carb-loaded heart soar. See you all for the SAG Awards!