Welcome to awards show season! Aka the period of time in my life where my emotions are either extreme happiness or extreme anger with no in-between because I don't half-ass, I full ass everything. The Golden Globes remain the most entertaining because they cover movies and TV and more importantly, all of the celebs are boozed up on 7,500 glasses of champagne.
Cheers to another year of Rancic torturing us! Wait you know what, it's a new year and I'm mature and thoughtful and not up to trash talking her and...
Haha jk I absolutely am because she looks like what would happen if a bunch of Claire's jewelry came to life. Do you even think she remembers what her natural skin tone looks like?
And don't worry! Seacrest was on his usual BS. I'll let my friends Michael & Lupita, Julia and Timothee show us the three stages of talking with him:
1) You realize you're an accomplished actor in a designer outfit at a swanky affair talking to a scrub.
2) You realize he is asking you something dumb like, if pigeons drink gin is it just called pigin?
3) You realize you should probably fight him.
To better things...
If you are a tasteless person who hates laughing, you probably haven't seen "The Good Place," which Jameela Jamil is in. Her character's name is Tahani Al-Jamil and long story short, she lives in the shadow (hi Ashlee Simpson) of her sister Kamilah. Quick gif because it's mandatory:
So whoever at E! either purposely or accidentally typed her name as "Kamilah" should be promoted. I could not stop laughing. And calm down, Jameela of course found it hilarious:
It's mind boggling that on one end of the human woman spectrum is me and the other is Gemma Chan. Can you believe. And I'm not saying that I think I'm ugly (my mom says I have a really great personality), I'm saying that it's crazy I have basically the same internal situation going on as her. Like, we're probably 80% the same right. But holy shit, that 20% makes a huge difference.
- Number of times Gemma Chan was shown on-screen: 3
To clarify, that sun wasn't even out, this brightness is just shining out of her. That blonde assistant can't even look at her without squinting BECAUSE GEMMA CHAN IS THE SUN. Also who is that Asian man with the chiseled jaw next to her? Asking for a friend. Also, is her hair just literally a low messy bun, HOW DOES SHE DO IT.
And here she is on the red carpet showing that her dress has pockets because if you wear a dress with pockets and don't constantly point out the pockets, does the dress even have pockets? I know I mentioned this earlier, but I screamed. And I'm screaming just re-watching this.
All I'm saying is if he weren't happily married and were on a dating app where older men are looking for sugar babies, I would look into it. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
Look, even Swifty knows she shouldn't be there. Here she is taking a nap while Gaga accepts her award. NO RESPECT.
1) My parents
Sometimes I actually think it's outright rude how wildly good looking they are. And in a dramatic turn of events, they're both talented and hilarious. And they seem super down to earth. Like I bet Emily has stood in front of the cheese section at Trader Joe's debating between mild cheddar and sharp cheddar. And John has gotten confused about using lay, laid and layed (THEY'RE CONFUSING, OK). Anyway, Emily (who was nominated) presented with Dick Van Dyke and this was John while she was onstage:
Long live Miranda Priestley's assistant and Jim Halpert.
I have received confirmation from several research scientists that Lucy Liu stopped aging at 25. She just woke up one morning, looked at her reflection and said "This will do" and that was it.
Ahead of the main event, I wanted to simulate the feeling of slamming my hand in a door, so I watched 100 hours of E!'s red carpet pre-show. Long lasting pain only topped by:
Haha jk I absolutely am because she looks like what would happen if a bunch of Claire's jewelry came to life. Do you even think she remembers what her natural skin tone looks like?
And don't worry! Seacrest was on his usual BS. I'll let my friends Michael & Lupita, Julia and Timothee show us the three stages of talking with him:
2) You realize he is asking you something dumb like, if pigeons drink gin is it just called pigin?
3) You realize you should probably fight him.
To better things...
Best dressed
OBVIOUSLY. I screamed. Something that my new neighbors were absolutely not prepared for. Y'ALL. GEMMA CHAN IS WEARING SHORTS UNDER A GOWN. I SCREAM. We all love a queen who is prepared to drop down and get her eagle on (hi Nelly) without showing her eagle. Also this color is gorgeous on her. AND POCKETS! I heard she ripped off the gown part during the after party when the DJ played Rihanna. Quote me.
Everything in this photo. The entire cast of "Black Panther" is pretty flawless. To be completely honest, Lupita Nyong'o could wear a sweater made of mustard stains and she'd look like a supermodel. Also, for FYI purposes, Michael B. Jordan is gesturing to me about how large the ring box will be when he proposes, thank you all for noticing.
THIIIIIIIIIS BITCH. Rosamund Pike showed up wearing some sort of vampire ballerina gown complemented by a choker and a jacket made of shattered disco ball. AND a middle part! Honestly, a part of me kind of thinks Rosamund IS her character from "Gone Girl" and that terrifies me slightly but is always what I look for in favorite actresses. And full disclosure, if Anne Hathaway or Amy Adams showed up in this, I would hate it. They just don't have the Pike appeal. Ending this by saying I have Michael Phelps shoulders that should easily support a draped jacket look, but in a shocking turn of events, they don't. It's my cross to bear. Bare? Bear? Beer?
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THIIIIIIIIIS BITCH. Rosamund Pike showed up wearing some sort of vampire ballerina gown complemented by a choker and a jacket made of shattered disco ball. AND a middle part! Honestly, a part of me kind of thinks Rosamund IS her character from "Gone Girl" and that terrifies me slightly but is always what I look for in favorite actresses. And full disclosure, if Anne Hathaway or Amy Adams showed up in this, I would hate it. They just don't have the Pike appeal. Ending this by saying I have Michael Phelps shoulders that should easily support a draped jacket look, but in a shocking turn of events, they don't. It's my cross to bear. Bare? Bear? Beer?
Best moment
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Wait back to Gemma Chan
Y'all, when she first appeared on screen in "Crazy Rich Asians" I audibly gasped. I haven't been so surprised by someone's beauty since I saw myself in the mirror for the first time after straightening my hair in 9th grade. And no matter how many times I see her, and by "see her," I mean creep on her Instagram, I can't help but be completely blown away by the fact that THIS IS WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE. LIKE, THIS IS HER FACE ALL THE TIME.
Okay, back to the Globes. A summary of important statistics from the evening:
- Number of times Gemma Chan was shown on-screen: 3
- Number of times I screamed "SHOW GEMMA CHAN!": 4,567
Here are those three moments:
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And here is a voyeuristic, creep shot of her during the show sitting next to Laura Harrier. That's right. I could tell it was Laura Harrier just by half of her face. Some people are good at stupid things like math and science. I'm skilled at identifying celebrities in dark, blurry screenshots.
Here we Ga-go
This is probably unpopular opinion, but I do not understand the hype around "A Star is Born." It's the FOURTH time this movie has been made and if we've learned anything from the Spider-Man franchise, it's that things do not get better if you keep remaking them. Kind of like burnt cookies. They won't get better if you put them back in the oven again and again.
The storyline is so simple (A rock star has a drug/alcohol problem! A woman's love might save him! It's tumultuous!) and Bradley Cooper looks sweaty and dirty and mumbles through 104% of it. Honestly, the best part is when Gaga's character becomes a pop star (aka Gaga) and performs these sell-out pop songs THAT ARE ALL BOPS.
The storyline is so simple (A rock star has a drug/alcohol problem! A woman's love might save him! It's tumultuous!) and Bradley Cooper looks sweaty and dirty and mumbles through 104% of it. Honestly, the best part is when Gaga's character becomes a pop star (aka Gaga) and performs these sell-out pop songs THAT ARE ALL BOPS.
Luckily, the HFPA agreed and only awarded best original song to Gaga (and Mark Ronson) for "Shallow."
I was hoping should would be in usual Gaga form and wear fried chicken or a hot air balloon, but nope.
Instead, her brought along her serious actress persona, which is that of a high school drama kid who only speaks in run-on sentences and metaphors and has "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" in her email signature. Like girl, you aren't some shy, unknown actress who was plucked from obscurity - you gave us Bad Romance! This isn't new! You walked a red carpet inside an egg once! So I'm not buying this awkward Joey Potter thing she's doing.
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Wait, Steve Carrell
ACTUAL TEARS
I don't know if it's seasonal depression or residual emotions from watching "Dumplin," but I burst into tears when Sandra Oh won best actress in a drama series. An actress of Asian descent hasn't won the category in 39 years! And her precious parents were there and she thanked them and I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING:
Growing up, there were next to no characters on TV who looked like me. Like, the first person I can remember latching on to was Jamie Chung from The Real World: San Diego. Remember her. When she wasn't drunk while dressed up as Eve (of the former couple Adam and Eve), she had a strained relationship with her Korean mom because she didn't speak Korean and her mom didn't speak English. Anyway, it's refreshing and amazing and every other adjective associated with face wash to see Asian actors and actresses in leading roles that aren't MTV reality shows.
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To bring this full circle, we'll never know why I cried.
Next year's hosts
I actually really enjoyed Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg, but I'm glad we found our hosts for next year:
And just for FYI, their names are not Screenplay and Motion Picture, but that would be pretty funny. Amy and Maya 2020!
Next year's hosts
I actually really enjoyed Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg, but I'm glad we found our hosts for next year:
Who is this and why was she invited
Boyfriends section
I would listen to Mahershala Ali read the nutrition facts on Pop-Tarts because both are unbelievably sweet (see what I did there).
I have actually already imagined my meet cute with him and it goes like this: I am a goofy, New York dog walker who somehow affords to live in a one-bedroom loft in Soho. He is Mahershala Ali. One day while walking some of my clients (they're all wiener dogs, btw), I trip and fall into marriage with him. That's it, the end.
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Can you believe Michael B. Jordan invented the double breasted suit. He actually makes my pupils dilate because I think my brain is like OH GIRL LEMME GET A BETTER LOOK.
You know how cheesy rom-coms have that moment where the girl is looking at art or something and says "It's beautiful" and the guy says "Yeah, beautiful" except he's staring at the girl? That shit is dumb. But if Michael B. Jordan said it, I'm pretty sure my soul would depart my body.
You know how cheesy rom-coms have that moment where the girl is looking at art or something and says "It's beautiful" and the guy says "Yeah, beautiful" except he's staring at the girl? That shit is dumb. But if Michael B. Jordan said it, I'm pretty sure my soul would depart my body.
And of course the borderline creepy love of my life, Rami Malek. I love how he always looks like he's trying to hide the fact that he's eating a Lifesaver:
And here he is realizing that the Lifesaver he's been eating is a sour one instead of a regular one:
I imagine Rami is the type of boyfriend who would write me love letters and sign them with actual blood, which I guess is the real measure of love.
SECTION WHERE I YELL ABOUT THE GOOD PLACE
Next to Veep, The Good Place is the best comedy on television. I SAID IT AND I DON'T REGRET IT. And what group best understands comedy? The Hollywood Foreign Press Association of course (not). Members of the HFPA are actually somewhat of a mystery, I guess to avoid ridicule after making stupid choices like naming "The Kaminsky Method" as best comedy series and Rachel Brosnahan as best actress in a comedy series.
I never miss an opportunity to reiterate that The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is not funny. It's not a comedy. It's more of a drama with comedic undertones (and by "undertones" I mean all of Alex Borstein's lines). The only award Rachel Brosnahan should be winning is for when she played that dramatic prostitute on "House of Cards" (REMEMBER HOW KOOKOO HER RELATIONSHIP WITH DOUG WAS?). Mrs. Maisel would be infinitely better if instead of Rachel Brosnahan, it starred Kristen Bell. And instead of Alex Borstein, it was Jameela Jamil. And instead of being The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel it was The Good Place. Fixed it!
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"The Kaminsky Method" won the comedy series category. Who has even heard of, let alone watched that. I bet if we polled the world, more people have watched season 8, episode 10 of "Friends" than 10 seconds of "The Kaminsky Method."
JUSTICE FOR THE GOOD PLACE.
#Krabluntski
As far as I know, there has been three true love stories in the history of time:
1) My parents
2) Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams (rip)
3) Emily Blunt and John Krasinski
Sometimes I actually think it's outright rude how wildly good looking they are. And in a dramatic turn of events, they're both talented and hilarious. And they seem super down to earth. Like I bet Emily has stood in front of the cheese section at Trader Joe's debating between mild cheddar and sharp cheddar. And John has gotten confused about using lay, laid and layed (THEY'RE CONFUSING, OK). Anyway, Emily (who was nominated) presented with Dick Van Dyke and this was John while she was onstage: |
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"Thank you ma' bitches"
Olivia Colman is more than we deserve. She won best actress in a drama for "The Favourite" and while I haven't seen the movie yet, I have seen this clip which I think perfectly justifies her win:
She was legitimately grateful and modest during her acceptance speech and used part of the time to thank Melissa McCarthy for bringing ham sandwiches to the event and then part of it to say "thank you to my bitches," aka Emma Stone and Rachel Weisz. Here's her entire speech because it's worthwhile:
While we're on the topic of Olivia Colman's bitches, I need to address Emma Stone yelling "I'm sorry!" after Sandra Oh's joke about how there hasn't been an Asian in a leading role since "Ghost in the Shell" (ScarJo) and "Aloha" (Emma Stone). As the self-appointed spokesperson for Asians, I would like to say that we forgive Emma Stone.
But let it be known that we do not, and will never, forgive Scarlett Johansson for anything ever.
But let it be known that we do not, and will never, forgive Scarlett Johansson for anything ever.
That feeling when you know no one knows how old you are
Reminder: Jeff Bridges' best movie is "Stick It"
Jeff Bridges won the Cecil B. DeMille award (what Oprah won last year) and they showed a retrospective of his films, which, while I'm not the biggest Jeff Bridges fan, I am THE BIGGEST fan of highlight reels. Like, you could piece together photos of french fries set to dramatic music and I would find it moving.
Anyway, out of all his movies that include "The Big Lebowski," "Crazy Heart" and "True Grit," his best by far is "Stick It." That's right. That really bad movie where he plays a gymnastics coach to "rebel" Missy Peregrym (it's clear she is a rebel because she wears trucker hats, duh). He wears polos with popped collars and chews 10,000 piece of gum and at some point yells "STICK IT!" A true artist.
He gave a really, REALLY long speech and I'm about 420% positive that he was high.
WHY
Here is my in memoriam collage of all the Globes ignored foods.
There were big ass boxes of Lindt truffles on every table and I'm going to estimate that approximately one of them was actually opened. And there were apparently some sort of donuts? AND A PLATE OF SANDICHES? AND AN UNEATEN BISCUIT (OR MAYBE THAT'S FISH)? AND SOME SORT OF DESSERT? Dear lord, I am affected. And it's baffling since all of these celebs actually miss the dinner portion of the evening (as they're all on the red carpet).
How do they resist destroying that sandwich platter or stealing all of the chocolates from Charlize Theron's table? This is a world I do not understand.
And that's it! I'm glad I could highlight the most important elements of the evening for you like who my boyfriends are and my campaign for "The Good Place." If you're interested in less important facts like, who won everything, check that out here.
See you all tomorrow as we hop into "The Bachelor" trash bin!
Anyway, out of all his movies that include "The Big Lebowski," "Crazy Heart" and "True Grit," his best by far is "Stick It." That's right. That really bad movie where he plays a gymnastics coach to "rebel" Missy Peregrym (it's clear she is a rebel because she wears trucker hats, duh). He wears polos with popped collars and chews 10,000 piece of gum and at some point yells "STICK IT!" A true artist.
He gave a really, REALLY long speech and I'm about 420% positive that he was high.
WHY
Here is my in memoriam collage of all the Globes ignored foods.
There were big ass boxes of Lindt truffles on every table and I'm going to estimate that approximately one of them was actually opened. And there were apparently some sort of donuts? AND A PLATE OF SANDICHES? AND AN UNEATEN BISCUIT (OR MAYBE THAT'S FISH)? AND SOME SORT OF DESSERT? Dear lord, I am affected. And it's baffling since all of these celebs actually miss the dinner portion of the evening (as they're all on the red carpet).How do they resist destroying that sandwich platter or stealing all of the chocolates from Charlize Theron's table? This is a world I do not understand.
And that's it! I'm glad I could highlight the most important elements of the evening for you like who my boyfriends are and my campaign for "The Good Place." If you're interested in less important facts like, who won everything, check that out here.
See you all tomorrow as we hop into "The Bachelor" trash bin!
