What did we learn from the 2016 Grammys?

I wasn't exactly stoked for the Grammys this year because Adele's album didn't make the cut to be considered, so I knew my overall "YAS" count would be greatly diminished. So, in light of this, I only watched 3 hours of pre-show coverage before the show.

Giuliana Rancic continues to haunt our dreams and real life. She wore a dress comprised of highly reflective mirrors, something I can only assume the evil queen from Snow White pieced together. Do you think Seacrest looked into each one and asked who the fairest one of them all was?

Hearing me complain about E!'s red carpet after every show must make you must wonder, "Kristi, why do you continue to watch it?" There is no logical answer. Sucker for torture I guess, and this torture is the worst kind. Hearing Giuliana say things like "I literally can't" every 15 seconds and "amazeballs" is how I assume war criminals are tortured. This gif isn't from the Grammys or even this year, but I find it highly relevant.

ONTO THE SHOW!


Swifty and Selena Gomez got new friendship bracelets

The Glam Bot is perhaps the only intelligent thing E! has put to use in the last 1000 years. I absolutely love slow motion. I wish during every work meeting, someone would ask "Where's Kristi?" And I'd pop through the door like this gif, but with a little more hair flipping, like "Yes, bitch, here I am." Now, let me preface this with the fact that Rihanna wasn't at the Grammys (CRYING ALL THE TEARS) and thus, the red carpet was wide open for slaying. Kudos for Tay and Selenita for capitalizing on the occasion. 

Additionally, Selena only wore that blue dress on the red carpet. She changed into this number for the show:

My guess is this was snapped right after Bieber came on stage and attempted to "sing acoustically." I don't even want to subject you to images or gifs of that because it was completely horrendous. The performance turned into something straight out of the Vans Warped Tour, circa 2008, full of long tank tops and teeny pants. Thoughts and prayers for everyone subjected to it.

I'd like to spend the weekend with The Weeknd

I'm wondering, is it possible to become pregnant via television waves? I feel in about 9 months my doctor will say yes. While I'm generally confused about the hair situation, his voice makes me forget about it. He wore a classy AF tuxedo to perform and he has the cutest dance moves, which sounds like a line straight out of my middle school diary. OMG DIARY, HE'S SO CUTE AND CAN DANCE. Anyway, to be honest I love him and Bella Hadid. I imagine they'll have beautiful children born with amazing voices capable of curing world hunger. But until then, if you want to spread the hashtag #McWeeknd that'd be great.


To everyone criticizing Adele's performance:

STAHP IT. 99% of the people shitting on her performance probably can't sing one line of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" without cats dying. I mean, sure, her sound guy was probably fired and marooned to some unknown island in the Pacific, forced to listen to Nickelback on repeat for the rest of his life, but is that our business? No. Adele could literally scream along to the lyrically complex love song "I Don't Fuck With You" while having a terrible cold and on heavy drugs, and she'd still sound better than 100% of the population.


In the case we need to repopulate the world: Carrie Underwood + Sam Hunt

I was about as familiar with Sam Smith as Kim K is with "books." But this performance, you guys. Who do you even have a crush on more. I mean, I've loved Carrie Underwood for a while (my "country" music collection includes only her songs), but Sam Hunt where have you been all my life. Ok and yes, his voice isn't that great, but whose is compared to C.Woody (she hates when I call her that). Look, if some sort of apocalyptic situation occurs, let's ensure we get them to a shelter so they can repopulate the earth. The Weeknd and I will handle adding a little ethnicity to the mix.

Is James Bay maybe good looking?

Is this some sort of shampoo commercial, because the hair. James and Tori Kelly proved you can in fact perform acoustically without sounding like compleBieber shit. This was definitely one of my fav of the night, and it was just a mash-up of their own songs. Again, my heart questioned, "Do we find James Bay attractive?" To which I came to the conclusion that I'd let him serenade me in a park, but only if he also brought meatball subs. Or maybe some sort of charcuterie. Who doesn't love a good coot board. 

Chrissy Teigen has won pregnancy

I don't know if you guys are aware, but I'm mildly obsessed with Chrissy T. And by "mildly" I mean I've used Google Street View to find hers and John's condo in New York (which they've recently sold, so that creeping was a waste). Anyway, I'm pretty good at hiding my obsession (and the lower back tattoo I have that says "Love CT" above a dolphin jumping over a moon). But look at them. I can't even type my emotions. CT deserves a trophy simply for wearing white while pregnant. I imagine I won't be able to do that because I'll constantly be in a bucket of chicken wings or pancake syrup. She is a champion for women everywhere.


Final Thoughts:

• Kendrick Lamar, forever. I would buy an audiobook of him reading a 401K pamphlet.
• Who invited Kaley Cuoco?
• I continue my campaign against "Uptown Funk." I await some sort of formal reprimand against Bruno Mars for yelling at Beyonce to announce the winner of Record of the Year. You can't just yell at royalty. You can't.
• Who invited Ariana Grande?

I leave you with Tori Kelly.

Breaking down the 2016 SAG Awards

Aside from the Globes, the SAG Awards are my fav. Partially because winners are decided by their peers and mostly because the actors get real liquored up. This year, they ordered 150 bottles of tequila and 500 bottles of champagne. 500 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE. That's at least 3 more bottles than a normal Friday night for me, which is quite impressive. And I bet Helen Mirren only drank like, 400 of them. HMirr can rage.

Anyway, lessons learned:

Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay are more precious than two otters holding hands.

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First off, "Room" is an amazing movie. You shouldn't watch it before a date, like I did, because it doesn't exactly put you in the most romantic mood, but it's amazing nonetheless. The fact that Jacob Tremblay memorized that entire script and I can't remember if I had one or two lunches today is astounding. I uphold that he should've snagged Best Supporting Actor (my on-again/off-again husband Idris Elba won), but his presence this awards show season has been big enough. Fingers crossed that his career develops like Leo DiCaprio and he doesn't pull a Macauley Culkin. Meth face looks good on no one.


Rami Malek's jawline cuts through glass. And also, my heart.

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Some tasteless and uncultured people think Rami is "creepy" and "looks like he would kidnap me and trap me in a basement," when really the person they're describing is the man in the upper right corner of this pic who is apparently a rogue Charlie's Angles villain who is clearly here to avenge the unfortunate death of his beloved bird Myrtle. Anyway.  That jawline. Those blue eyes. How he kind of never blinks. I don't mind that. It means he never takes his eyes off me, which is 100% romantic and 0% creepy. I feel like he'd want to read me excerpts from a J.D. Salinger book while we drink tea made from tea leaves he picked from a mountain in Nepal. And he would not be interested in "Vanderpump Rules" which is fine because me neither. I've never watched that show for 12 hours straight. #RefinedWoman


Leo and Kate need to get married already and make all of our dreams come true.

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You guys, look how he lovingly scurries over to her after winning Best Actor. It's how you look when your Bojangles order is ready and you finally lovingly embrace that fried chicken. Some of us may have even kissed the chicken before like Kate kisses Leo's neck, but let's not delve into my personal life. Look, these two survived Titanic together (one naturally, one via cryogenic freezing). I'm about 99% sure if Leo wins the Oscar, he'll propose to Kate on the spot. And then it'll rain Oreos, world hunger will be solved, global warming will end, my pants will stop mysteriously becoming huge during the course of the day, and several other world issues will be solved.


Amy & Tina continue their tour of "We Should Host Your Lives"

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I enjoy this photo mostly because these are the two facial expressions that make up 98% of my life. Tina & Amy presented Carol Burnett with a lifetime achievement award and their 5 minute bit was better than the entire Oscars show when James Franco and Anne Failaway hosted. When I get married, I just plan to show clips of their movies ("their" being Tina & Amy, not James and Anne, I'm not into cruel and unusual punishment after all). I would like the same film shown at my funeral, but without sound and in black and white. You know, dramatic effect.

Okay also, their table included Kristen Wiig and I'm absolutely positive this image was taken straight out of my diary. I am willing to go to extreme lengths to be a part of this posse. I'm talking listen-to-the-entire-Nickelback-album extreme.

I'm not an Indian woman (SHOCKER), but if I was, it'd be great to look like Priyanka Chopra.

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I'm not a British, white woman (OMG YOU'RE NOT?), but if I was, it'd be great to look like Emilia Clarke.

Let me be clear about the two declarations above: We as women should absolutely be happy with our bodies and our appearances. I'm just saying that if some "scientist" or "doctor" in a back alley offered me the chance to have Emilia Clarke's face, I'd do it. I mean, not her exact face, I don't want to have some sort of "Face-Off' movie situation. And also, calm down, I'm not that creepy (yet). I imagine both her and Priyanka are the type of women who wake up the morning after a rough night out and their hair is perfectly styled and birds are chirping in their window while squirrels pour them tea and iron their fresh-off-the-runway "everyday" couture. They never wake up holding a pita with salsa on their face. Me neither.

Susan Sarandon brought a couple things to the show.

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I'M TALKING ABOUT HER KIDS, YOU SICKOS. Just kidding, I'm obviously referring to her boobs. I'm a 20-something year old and my boobs don't even look like this. Partially because I don't have boobs and mostly because I don't have boobs. I also want to note that when Susan Sarandon wears a suit with nothing underneath but a black bra it's "sexy" and "fashionable," but when I do it to work, it's "inappropriate." I DON'T GET IT.

Pretty good SAG Awards this year. I'm still recovering from Helen Mirren making me take tequila to the face, so I'll leave you with this as my final thought: