The K-Mac Stack - 12/17/2017

I finally listened to Swifty's "Reputation"
Look, I'm not ashamed to admit 1989 was a hot ass album. I love every song on it, even though my heart and brain and organs tell me that Taylor Swift is a snake and would Regina George me in a second. I of course took the time to listen to her latest album, once it was made available on Spotify because the only music I will outright buy is the Danity Kane reunion album.

A quick summary of how every song goes on this album:

• Dramatic talking. 
• A build up with either whisper singing or repeating the same words over and over. 
• Loud actual singing. 

Anyway, not a fan of this album or her whole "IDGAF what you say about me except I really do because I made an entire album about it but I'm badass now but not badass enough to be able to take any sort of criticism but like you guys remember how Kanye wronged me I don't want to talk about it but I will talk about it this entire album" aura she's putting off.

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To be honest, this is the most banging playlist of the year
So one day, I was casually browsing my Spotify when I was presented with this playlist. I scrolled through it thinking "Hot damn this is banging" before realizing this is in fact my own "Top Songs of 2017" playlist based off the top 100 songs I listened to this year (and no it's not just Bodak Yellow and Work From Home on repeat thank you very much). What can I say, I'm really good at knowing what I want to hear.

Anyway, if you're looking for some tunes to blast in your car, on the subway, at the gym, at your wedding, when your friend is in labor, etc. THIS IS IT!

Also, I have to let the masses know that "Work From Home" was one of my top 5 played songs of the year FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. I plan to continue this tradition until I die at which time it will be played at my funeral.

I guess this is how I'll learn Korean and Spanish
Sticking to this music theme, my two favorite songs of the moment are not in English because I am a citizen of the world and so global (and not just because I bought those "Jams of the World" that one time from World Market).

You've heard me mention them before because they've recently blown up in the US, but BTS is this precious K-Pop group. They're like the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC (haha I had to Google where the asterisk went) if either of those groups could actually hip-hop dance and sing at the same time. I'm down with their 90s'ish wardrobe and the bucket hats and GOOD LORD LOOK AT THEIR HAIR. So shiny and luxurious unlike that ramen noodle hair situation Justin Timberlake had going on. Anyway, cash me in AP Korean class how bou' dah.

Look, I don't speak Spanish, but I've been listening to this song on repeat so check in with me next week when I'm fluent. Based on the video, this song is about bamboozling money from dudes at the casino downtown while wearing bomb ass clothes? Can someone please confirm for me. Also, I'm not a Brazilian woman (did you guys know that), but if I was, I think it'd be great to be Anitta. She is actually a flawless human being. And little known tidbit -- I have this unexplainable attraction to J Balvin. He seems, smooth? Like he would have game. And not like Monopoly.

Where has actress Mary J. Blige been our whole lives
I know all of you either have a Netflix account or you have the password to your ex-boyfriend's mom's co-worker's daughters account, so I need for you to watch Mudbound as soon as possible. The story is based around a white sharecropper family and black sharecropper family, both of whom have a family member return home after WWII. Mary J. Blige plays the mother of one family and she is utterly amazing. She completely dissolves into the role that you forget it's even Mary J. Blige, which is quite the feat. Anyway, yes I cried at some point and I feel this image below correctly summarizes sentiment if she isn't recognized this awards show season:

Lady Bird lives up to the hype
After seeing it was the highest rated movie on Rotten Tomatoes with the most 100% ratings, I was still a little uncertain. But y'all, that movie lives up to the hype and more. Saoirse Ronan stars as Lady Bird and as a note, she is the only actress I've ever forgiven for her film transgressions (REMEMBER HOW IT WAS HER FAULT THAT KEIRA KNIGHTLEY AND JAMES MCAVOY DIDN'T END UP TOGETHER IN ATONEMENT. I WAS VERY AFFECTED).

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Coming-of-age movies too often come off as...fake? Almost as if filmmakers watch episodes of "Dawson's Creek" and decide that is how most teens experience life except you can't relate because you can't row a boat across a creek because it gives your hand calluses. A lot of these movies are over dramatic in portraying the way-way highs and way-way lows of growing up, but Lady Bird doesn't fall into this trap. It feels genuine and there's at least one thing in one of the characters you can relate to. And the early 2000s soundtrack doesn't hurt.


Let's talk about Golden Globe nominations
While I enjoy the Golden Globes, I sometimes find the nominations to be...off. This is obviously because nominees are chosen by about 90 members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.  It's all very confusing because is a small group of journalists really qualified to choose nominees when there's a perfectly good me here to do it instead? The answer is no. Having journalists choose nominees for acting awards is like having me perform surgery. Sure I've seen ER and Grey's Anatomy but I'm not going to scrub into an appendectomy. Except for that one time. In Thailand. Look let's not talk about it.

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Some notes:

• Get Out is nominated for Best Picture, Musical or Comedy. Let's be very clear about something: Get Out is not a comedy and anyone who thinks it is did not watch Get Out.
• FIVE MEN NOMINATED FOR BEST DIRECTOR, ARE WE KIDDING. In a year that brought us Patty Jenkins' box office record breaker "Wonder Woman" and Greta Gerwig's "Lady Bird" and Dee Rees' "Mudbound." Absolutely ridiculous and I want to burn this place down.
• The whole Best Actor in a Comedy category has been rendered moot because Hugh Jackman is nominated for "The Greatest Showman," which also features Zac Efron. Sorry but there's no way in hell a Zefron movie garners nominations for anyone. And y'all know I love my baby Zef, but boy is a horrible actor and I find it hard to accept a movie is able to overcome that. Also, Ansel Elgort is nominated for "Baby Driver," and anyway what is going on is this the Teen Choice Awards.
• The category I'm most interested in is Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. Laurie Metcalf as the mom in "Lady Bird"; Allison Janney as the mom in "I, Tonya"; Mary J. Blige as the mom in "Mudbound." This is 100% the race to watch. All of them are mind-blowingly amazing in their roles and choosing a winner is like deciding if you want curly fries or waffle fries with your burger. IMPOSSIBLE DECISION.
• On the TV side, all I want to note is Julie Louis-Dreyfus has never won a GG for "Veep." Meanwhile, she's won an Emmy EVERY SINGLE FUCKING YEAR because she deserves it and honestly how are the Globes even still in business with this massive oversight.

Alas, the SAG Awards never let me down

These nominations generally make sense and this is because they're chosen by fellow actors. Also the SAG Awards often reflect who will win at the Oscars closer than the Golden Globes because the voting members for the SAGs are usually also Oscar voting members. Did that all make sense?

Anyway, I love the SAG Awards (and not just because the show ALWAYS sticks to its 2-hour running time).

Some notes:

• They nailed it with Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture nominees: The Big Sick, Mudbound, Lady Bird, Get Out,  and Three Billboards. Hoping Mudbound gets this one because every one of the cast members in this film stands out.
• Um yes, any category where an actor from Big Little Lies is nominated must win. And in the Female Actor in a Miniseries category, which pits Reese Witherspoon vs. Nicole Kidman vs. Laura Dern, it's gotta be Nicole Kidman. Y'ALL SHE WENT THROUGH SO MUCH IN THAT SEASON INCLUDING HAVING REALLY UNFORTUNATE BANGS.
• Female Actor in a Drama Series has to go to Elisabeth Moss for The Handmaid's Tale. Mossy's acting is so supreme I'm certain she could convince me that butter is fat free and french fries clear up acne.

Question of the week: HOW COULD DISNEY CHOOSE ANYONE OVER ME TO PLAY AS MULAN?

In a shocking turn of events, Disney has decided to cast Liu Yifei (or Crystal Liu) as Mulan in the live-action remake due out in 2019. That's right. They've cast an actual Chinese actress over me even though I had already set my out-of-office email response to "I'm out of the office indefinitely filming the live-action remake of Mulan." I THOUGHT THAT WAS ALL IT TOOK.

I think I can more thoroughly provide basis for my outrage through photos. Here's cartoon Mulan:

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And here is who Disney actually cast, actress Crystal Liu:

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And here is me in some recent fall photos I had taken:

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CAN YOU BELIEVE I WASN'T CHOSEN?

Anyway, I'll be channeling my anger into rage eating over the holidays to put on my winter weight for survival and all. See you all soon! Awards show season and (dear God) the newest season of The Bachelor are just around the corner!

The K-Mac Stack - 12/1/2017

Now that Thanksgiving has passed and I've eaten my weight in mashed potatoes, I feel fully prepared to bring you a stuffed (haha get it) edition of this week's Stack.

I guess we'll never be royal

Okay just a few notes about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announcing their engagement and that ABC News interview:

• Meghan is ridiculously gorgeous and lovely but girl don't play us with that "I didn't know much about him" BS. That'd be like if I won an internship with Oprah but was like "Wait, who's Oprah? Is she nice?"
• DAMN, LOOK AT THAT DEATH GRIP THO. This is how you hold on to yo' man.

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• They claim they were set up by a woman who is their "mutual friend." Which, what. If I knew a mother fracking prince, I would not set one of my friends up with him. The only "setting up" that would happen would be me setting up a trap to keep him forever.
• They also claim the engagement happened during a "cozy night in" where they were doing peasant shit like cooking chicken. We all know that royals spend their free time rolling around in rooms full of gold coins and jewels and crowns. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.

Now that our Party Prince is officially off the market, don't fret. I have found us three new boyfriends who can provide us with love and happiness and also a crown:

Crown Prince Hussein of Jordan is 23 and first in line to the throne. He is the youngest person to ever chair a UN Security Council session (20) and earlier this year he delivered Jordan's speech at the UN General Assembly. All of this Amal Clooney stuff aside, he graduated from Georgetown last year so he's tryna take you out for cupcakes. 

Prince Mateen of Brunei is 26 and sixth in line to the throne. His family is worth a measly $20 billion, which, I don't know, I guess I could adjust to that. I'm pretty sure suits were made to be worn by him and also HIS BROWS ARE IMPECCABLE. Honestly, brow grooming should be one of the top requirements for being royal. Anyway, I'll see you all next year when I'm on the cover of Vanity Fair for entrapping, I mean, falling in mutual love with him.

Prince Eric is first in line to the throne and enjoys ships, contemplating life while sitting on the side of a ship, playing the flute on the side of a ship, jumping from a ship into water that contains a bigass octopus thing and most importantly, wearing a red belt thing that has no buckle or end and must just be a giant elastic waistband.

Let's talk about Grammy nominations

They came out earlier this week and I was, for the most part, pleased with them. Jay-Z got the most with 8, including album of the year. This is the first year EVER in the 60 years of the Grammys that a white man isn't nominated in the category. Which, speaking of, I WILL NEVER GET OVER BECK BEATING BEYONCE IN 2015. NEVER EVER. 

Anyway, while I personally like Kendrick Lamar's "Damn" album best, I feel Jay will probably win. When he does, please don't say that he is "avenging" Beyonce's loss to Adele because Beyonce will avenge herself. I'm hoping she'll release a mind-blowing album next year, right before cut-off for Grammy submissions, so it's fresh in everyone's mind and she'll come for all the awards that are rightfully hers while there's none for Swifty.

Speaking of, T.Swift's newest album was released after cut-off for this year's awards, so we'll have to wait until 2019 to see if her tragique new "bad" persona works out. Y'all. I can't get over it. She is like when you tried a smokey eye look for the first time and genuinely thought "Omg, I am a good girl gone bad just like Rihanna." From what I can tell, she equates wearing black clothes and a bad blunt haircut as "edgy" when we all know she's about as edgy as a rubber ball. #ThanksKimKForTheReceipts

Ending this by saying the most nominated woman is SZA with 5. I cannot stop screaming because "Ctrl" is an AMAZING album. I obsessively listen to it, every track in its entirety, which is not something I do very often. In fact, I usually only save it for the masterpiece known as "Danity Kane." You've probably heard her song "Love Galore," but you should also listen to "Drew Barrymore," "Supermodel," "Broken Clocks" AND DEAR GOD JUST THE ENTIRE ALBUM, OKAY.

Bet you didn't know I lent her this outfit after my mom said I couldn't wear it to church.

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J.Law stopped creeping around with this creep

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Katniss finally wised up and broke it off with Darren Aronofsky, the director of that ridic mother! movie and Black Swan, a film which still scares the shit out of me. She isn't responding to the emails I've been sending to jenniferlawrence@gmail.com, but I'm pretty sure they broke up because she realized he's 20 years older than her and looks like a creepy pot of overboiled pasta. Now, you know I subscribe to Aaliyah's "age ain't nothing but a number" philosophy, but that does not apply when the person looks like a thumb. Everyone knows that's just a rule of nature.

"I, Tonya" is definitely an Oscar contender

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And I'm not just saying that because I got to go to a screening and see Margot Robbie's perfect face and lil' Sebastian Stan talk about the film after. The movie gives you a different perspective of the whole Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan drama and Margot's transformation into the role is incredible. It's all based on true events and is filmed almost like a documentary. Allison Janney plays Tonya's crazy ass, alcoholic, abusive mom and if she doesn't get a Best Supporting Actress nom while Margot gets a a Best Actress nom, I will burn this place down.

Who run the world
Billboard hosted their annual Women in Music event and honored several boss ass ladies, including Camila Cabello, Kelly Clarkson, Mary J. Blige and Kehlani. Selena Gomez was named Woman of the Year and she cried during her acceptance speech and I don't know, maybe my allergies were bothering me and I also got misty eyed. HER BEST FRIEND DONATED A KIDNEY TO HER TO SAVE HER LIFE OKAY. Meanwhile, my best friend Dr. Chloe said this to me recently: "Remember when you only wore plaid. That was so annoying." So, same.

I was also happy to see Kehlani recognized (with the "Rule Breaker Award") and she looked ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS.

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Her voice is insane and she's only 22 and has overcome so much to get to where she's at. Stop it y'all, you're gonna make me get all human emotional again and I can't do that twice in one year. But take some time to listen to her latest album, "SweetSexySavage." YOU'RE WELCOME.

LET US REJOICE IN THE BIRTH OF CHRISSY TEIGEN
She turned 32 yesterday and celebrated by not receiving a plane, trying the #OneChipChallenge and getting a precious ass card from Luna (later she had an actual party that was Pan-Am themed and Kim K and Kanye attended, but I figured you'd be more interested in this).

This momentous day reminds me of the first time I saw CT close-up. I had just moved to New York, in time for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue launch. Okay, I know that sounds like it would be an event just full of creepy men ogling models, but that's not true. It was full of creepy old men ogling models and also me. This was as close as I got and let me just confirm that she is so gorgina you will weep. 

Cheers to another year of Chrissy! But not actually cheers because she's pregnant, which I would like to confirm to the masses that I am in fact not the surrogate.

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Question of the week: What is this tomfoolery in "The Holiday"?
I was indulging in my tradition of watching "The Holiday" every day after Thanksgiving until Christmas when I noticed this glaring error:

Um, Kate Winslet's character is single and lives alone. SINGLE, LONELY PEOPLE DO NOT PUT COOKIES ONTO A PLATE, EVER. You just put that entire container or tray of cookies next to you, or sometimes on your belly while you're lying down, and eat all of them because mama didn't raise a quitter and because also you're a monster.

That's it for the week! Now I'm off to listen to SZA and Kehlani while eating 50-75 Golden Oreos.

What did we learn from the 2017 American Music Awards?

It's our last Red Carpet of the year! For a "major" awards show anyway, and I use quotation marks heavily here because as far as I know, the AMA's haven't been major since Beyonce last attended in 2008.

I'm going to skip over the two hours I spent having my brain turned into mashed potatoes by E!'s Red Carpet because you already know my thoughts. To summarize: Giuliana wasn't there but she has managed to siphon her idiotic interviewing skills into every person who works at the network.

Best dressed:

I absolutely love Kehlani and I'll give you a moment to Spotify and memorize all of her music. I actually don't see her on red carpets that often, so this was a pleasant surprise. I'm 100% in with this outfit. It's like she was lounging at home in a black bathing suit, then her stylist showed up and was like "Girl, the AMAs are in an hour" and she was like "Cool, I'm just gonna cover up with this lacey curtain." It has every element I love in a dress: 1) Shimmery 2) Lacey 3) See through. Also, her makeup and hair were onpoint and I bet at the end of the night, she simply removed the curtain and got into bed. Easy fashion!

Haliee Steinfeld is keeping my favorite trend going -- the suit + bra combo. Digging the pointy-Disney-villain shoulders on this jacket and I'm even onboard with the slicked back hair look. The best part of the jacket is that later at the afterparty when they bring out chicken fingers and fries, she can button the jacket up to hide the fact that she's eaten 5 lbs. of chicken. Plus, she can use the grease on her fingers from said chicken to keep her hair in place. Multifunctional fashion is my favorite.

Worst dressed:

I don't know if this is Florida or Georgia from Florida Georgia Line, but I am not feeling his "I'm a flasher" look. I'm sorry this image is huge but I needed you to get the full effect. And honestly, guys have it so easy when it comes to dressing up. Here's how to conquer the red carpet as a man: 1) Comb your hair 2) Wear a nice, tailored suit 3) Brush your teeth 4) Bring M&Ms to share 5) Don't come dressed as a creep in a trench coat. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

I'm not mentioning anymore fashion because one person showed up and topped everything:

BLONDE SELENA DID NOT COME TO PLAY 

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I am actually screaming just reliving this look. Y'ALL. If you're wondering what a "revenge look" is, this is it. The blonde hair. The hoops. The leather jacket dress. Is this look a ventilator because I AM LIVING FOR IT. I was still feeling sad about her breakup with The Weeknd, but this look shut down everything because in short, Selena wins. Does anyone know where I can acquire this dress because I plan to make it my main look during my rebel, Rihanna-bad-girl phase. I think I'll also use it during my first divorce hearing. Also, can y'all bury me in this. Great, thanks.

While on the topic of Selenita, she performed her new song "Wolves" (her only televised performance of the year) and it was...interesting.

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The theme seemed to be Civil War swamp ghosts and dear God those dresses were some of the creepiest shit I've seen in a while. They are the exact dress that ALL ghosts wear. And Selena had fake wounds and blood and I had no idea what was going on. I'm 65% sure she was lip-synching probably because she knew those dollhouse ghosts would continually scare the air out of her. Anyway, it was weird AF and I felt frightened for most of it, and thus I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT.

Kelly Clarkson: Still got it
Kelly's voice is absolutely insane and I cannot believe that the runner-up in her American Idol season was mother fracking Justin Guarini. Meaning the American public chose between Kelly Clarkson and her amazing ass voice and Justin Guarini. I will never understand. She performed "Everybody Hurts" with Pink and then on her own later.

During her solo performance, she sang "Miss Independent" and 16-year-old me could not stop screaming. Don't play like you didn't blast that song in your used Honda while pretending that some dumb boy had wronged you. And her dancers were dressed like Carmen Sandiego while she looked like a regal, golden bird and this entire aesthetic was supreme.

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Unsurprising section where I make you uncomfortable about my love for Shawn Mendes

E! did me an actual favor and asked Shawn if he brought a date and if he's seeing anyone to which he replied "I didn't bring anyone and I'm not seeing anyone." He went on to say that the one thing he's looking for in a significant other is "a sense of humor." And look, as women we should never strive to be something just because a man deems it mandatory, but anyway be on the lookout for my Netflix special titled "Kristi has a sense of humor and is single and will completely change herself in any way to date Shawn Mendes." Also here is actual footage of me upon hearing he didn't bring a date:

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My little poutine performed "There's Nothing Holding Me Back" and even though his hair is getting long and kind of poofy and he can't rent a car without being charged an extra fee, I still love him. All of my creepiness aside, you have to admit he has a pretty spectacular voice. And he won the award for best adult contemporary artist, key word here: ADULT. 

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BREAKING NEWS: I like K-Pop

So I first learned about BTS during this year's Billboard Music Awards and I thought they were adorable. There's 7 of them and their name stands for a Korean expression that quite literally translates into "Bulletproof Boy Scouts." They are MAAAAAAAJOR in South Korea and have a pretty legit global presence on social media and this year Time named them one of the top 25 influential people on the internet. 

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Anyway, they performed their single "DNA," lip-synched into Britney mics and danced and I would've thought it was cheesy had I not been so busy screaming. And I don't even speak Korean but I guess this is how I'll finally learn.

Okay Pink, we get it

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Pink recently did Carpool Karaoke and she told James Corden that she thinks it's easier to sing while suspended upside down. I don't know how this woman does it. I can barely eat a bowl of pasta without getting winded and here she is hanging off the side of a Marriott hotel, flipping and shit, while singing live. The last time I tried to do something of this multitasking level I was driving and tried to reach for some macaroons in my passenger seat. Long story short, it ended with me jumping a curb and popping a hole in my tire. We can't all be Pink I guess.

I need hoop earrings

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This new era of Demi Lovato is amazing. That tan. The long, straight black hair. That IDGAF attitude. AND THOSE HOOPS. I cannot stop thinking about the hoops. I went through a hoop phase in middle school because Teen People told me they were cool and while I haven't worn them since, I think it's time for a resurgence.

She performed "Sorry Not Sorry," which coincidentally enough is what I say to my friends after I eat their fries while they're in the bathroom. We can all agree it's a banger and has the lyrics "Now payback is a bad bitch and baby I'm the baddest, you fuckin' with a savage" which I plan to somehow incorporate into my wedding vows to let my husband know what's up. 

Lastly, I can't screech enough about Demi's eye makeup and PERFECT BROWS. ACTUAL PERFECTION.

Do presenters get to request how they're introduced?

Before Kat Graham came out, they introduced her as "actress, singer, activist" and honestly like 15 other things and it made me wonder, do you just get to request anything? Like could you be introduced as "Actress, Non-practicing model, 2nd grade sit-up record holder, and Chrissy Teigen enthusiast"? Asking for a friend.

ABC needs to stop with shots of random audience members

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Okay this isn't a random audience member, it's actually Julia Michaels, but I couldn't find any gifs of random audience members because THE INTERNET DOES NOT CARE AND NEITHER DO I. None of us care what Janice looks like dancing to Nick Jonas, okay. NONE OF US.

Christina looks...different

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And by "different" I mean DAMN THOSE LIP FILLERS. I was excited to see her perform a tribute to Whitney and "The Bodyguard" because XTina's voice is crazy. But to be completely honest, all I did was stare at those pillows around her mouth. How many tubes of gloss did she have to use? It just seems like so much work. And okay I'm about to say something that may be unpopular...I thought there was something off about her performance. She hit some amazing notes and she 100% still has it, but I don't know. It's like when you get a sandwich but forget to order cheese on it and while you're eating it, you're like "this just isn't right." Christina was missing that cheese factor.

Just a reminder that Ashlee Simpson is Diana Ross' daughter-in-law

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Diana Ross won the Lifetime Achievement Award and closed out the show and I don't need to yell to you about how iconic she is. She brought her entire family, which includes Ashlee "Pieces of Me" Simpson, who is married to Diana's son Evan. Evan, by the way, is smoking hot and I look forward to being his next wife and marrying into the Ross family.

As a reminder, Diana Ross has won countless awards, has been inducted into Hall of Fames and received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from our old pal Barry Obama in 2016. And meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson said insightful things like this:

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And where was Chrissy, might you ask?

Her and John sat courtside for the Lakers v. Nuggets game wherein she put mustard on a hot dog and played Super Mario Odyssey on her Nintendo Switch. She continues to be an inspiration in my life.

And that's it! Another awards show season in the books and another year that I was unable to figure out how to reach through the TV and slap Giuliana. There's always next year! Til then, I'll be posting random posts here and there on pop culture topics that demand my snark expertise. And you can always creep on me here.

See you soon!

The K-Mac Stack - 11/16/2017

Between awards shows and forcing my way into any event that has the slightest possibility of a Z-list celebrity appearance, I have various other thoughts and commentary on the daily deluge of pop culture news. I thought it'd be best to empty these thoughts somewhere because to be honest, my brain is running out of room and I should really create space for information that is actually useful.

So here we go, the inaugural edition of The K-Mac Stack! Just a stack of random ass commentary.

I apparently have no idea what "sexy" means

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Did all the other men die? Did Idris Elba, Morris Chestnut and all of the Chris's (Hemsworth, Pine, Evans) turn down the offer to be People's Sexiest Man Alive? I'm generally confused by this. And look, don't get me wrong, I watch "The Voice" and find Blake really likable. I understand his appeal and find him charming, but you guys. Come on. The title is "sexiest" man alive. Not "nicest guy you'd ask to come chop down a tree in your yard then thank with a glass of lemonade."

For posterity's sake, here are things sexier than Blake Shelton:

• Ryan Reynolds in his Deadpool costume
• Every professional soccer player
• Carson Daly in 1999
• Christoph Waltz
• The buffalo voiced by Idris Elba in "Zootopia"
• A freshly made grilled cheese sandwich

I reached out to Gwen for comment, to which she replied:

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Excuse me while I cry about Selena Gomez and The Weeknd
Per my iTunes play count of "Come and Get It," I am a Selena Gomez fan. My instincts just tell me she's fun and would be down to do something wild like eat french fries. And I have been writing "Mrs. Weeknd" on my Trapper Keeper for years, so when they got together I was there with streamers and confetti.

As a note, when I went to The Weeknd's concert in Brooklyn, Selena was there too, but she did not get my text and therefore did not invite me to the VIP section (reception in there is terrible, you know how it goes). Anyway, look how cute they were at the Met Gala this year!

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A little birdie (read: intensive Googling) told me they were renting an apartment together in my neighborhood. I never got actual proof of this because every time I got in the vicinity, the police kept saying things like "ma'am that restraining order is still in effect" and "ma'am please get down from that tree."

Anyway all of this is moot. They broke up a few weeks ago because Selenita decided she was tired of being with a gorgeous, talented man whose voice is the soundtrack to heaven, and would rather be with a boy who looks like he fell into a vat of tattoo paint. And to round out this high school drama, The Weeknd was seen at French Montana's birthday party with Bieber's ex! Gasp! Who do we vote for Prom King and Queen now? I cry.

She doesn't dance now, rather, she makes money moves

Our girl Cardi B graced the cover of New York Magazine! To those of you I've yelled about Cardi to, put on those noise canceling headphones, because here comes some more. The first solo female rapper to have a Billboard #1 since Lauryn Hill in 1998! First woman to chart her first 3 singles on Billboard's Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs list! Was a stripper! Met Beyonce!

Anyway read the story, it has some real gems. Including advising that you should not be a thirsty hoe, you should be a classy hoe.

My husband has decided to save True Detective
I don't know if any of you watched season 2 of "True Detective," but if you didn't let me save you the time: don't. If season 1 was Meryl Streep, season 2 was Tara Reid. And not even American Pie Tara Reid, I'm talking hot mess Tara Reid falling out of an Escalade. Thankfully, my long distance husband Mahershala Ali is here to save the franchise. They haven't started filming and there is no release date yet, but it's apparently about some crime that happens in the Ozarks, the mystery of which isn't even the question "Where are the Ozarks?"

Which speaking of, there's already a show on Netflix starring Jason Bateman called "Ozark." Is there really a demand for TWO shows specifically based in the Ozarks? Based on a summary of that show and just the word "ozark," this is what I assume that region includes: 1) mountains 2) raccoons 3) crime 4) cold weather 5) raccoons committing mountain crimes in the cold weather.

I guess we'll find out when Mahershala teaches us all. I've already made room on our mantle for his Golden Globe.

I need to address two things from the 2017 MTV Europe Music Awards
1) My little Canadian maple leaf Shawn Mendes won all the major awards and showed up in this cute little suit and again this is a reminder that he is 19 and all of this is completely legal. However, I recently found out that he's "rumored" to be dating Hailey Baldwin, a rumor of which I will only believe and accept if I see them at the altar in the middle of their vows. Until then, I will continue to wear this "I heart Shawn Mendes" tank under all my clothes.

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2) Camila Cabello absolutely had the best performance of the night and if you aren't listening to "Havana" on repeat, you are not living your best life.

I need to address one thing from the Country Music Awards
Despite "y'all" being the most frequently used word in my vocabulary and the fact that I lived near Nashville for two years, I am not a huge country music fan. And it's not because I think all country songs are about trucks, beer, "where'd she go," dogs, and rolling down windows. It's also because country music is more white than Gwyneth Paltrow wearing Uggs buying packaged peeled oranges and organic air from Whole Foods.

But, I caveat this by saying I absolutely love Maren Morris. Her voice is insane and she's gorgeous and I've seen her live and she wore a long hoodie and no pants and sang Beyonce at some point and anyway I'm a fan.

At the CMAs, she performed with Niall Horan, which by the way, quick question for the masses, do I think Niall is attractive? My heart can't decide, but he's Irish and I'm Irish and Selena Gomez once told me that the heart wants what it wants. He's doing this whole singer/songwriter thing and to be honest I love this collaboration.

Question of the week: Why isn't Dua Lipa bigger in the U.S.?
Her voice is kind of like a cross between Amy Winehouse, Sia, and Jessie Ware and she looks like an actual supermodel and half of her Instagram story is her getting drunk, so what I'm saying is I mailed her a friendship bracelet ages ago. Before "Havana" took over my life, I listened to "New Rules" on repeat, the video of which I need for you to watch and just embrace the diverse girl power. And flamingos!

She opened for Bruno Mars on about half of his U.S. tour dates and I seriously considered going until I found out tickets on the literal ceiling of the arena were more expensive than a diamond-encrusted jet. My point here is you should listen to her album and donate to my GoFundMe so I can see her one day.

I'm feeling so much lighter now that I've tossed all of these deep thoughts into the universe. Created just enough room for commentary from the American Music Awards this Sunday. See you then!

Kristi does: 30

In a shocking turn of events, I decided to allow the sands of time to carry me to 30. I figured, Beyonce did it and if 30 is good enough for Beyonce, it's good enough for me.

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Being that I've hit this milestone and in the spirit of my blog, I wanted to share 30 musings. These are life lessons and random thoughts I've had that are particularly insightful. If I haven't mentioned it yet, I'm 30, so my thoughts are of extreme value and I live to educate the youths.

(As a note, these are in no particular order because I do what I want, assuming my parents and my boss are okay with it.)

1. Never tell a woman to calm down. It's the equivalent to shushing someone while squeezing taco sauce on their white shirt and making them step on a carpet of Legos. It's condescending and anyway if you do it, you're a dick.

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2. The best album of all time is Danity Kane by Danity Kane.
    The best movie is The Devil Wears Prada.
    The best TV show is Friends.
    The best dog is the dachshund.
    The best dinosaur is the pterodactyl.
    The best fries are from McDonald's.

3. Sneaker wedges are stupid and just look like bloated sneakers. Did the inventor of these think "How can I make the most comfortable thing in the world, uncomfortable?" I understand wedges (even though sometimes they literally look like ugly ass clogs) because at least you can see the heel and it's somewhat fashionable. But sneaker wedges? THE WEDGE IS HIDDEN. AND IS ONLY A SECRET BETWEEN THE SHOE AND YOUR FOOT PAIN.

4. Goals before 40:
    1) Harvest honey with Beyonce (the Beyhive).
    2) Learn Nicki's rap in "Monster."
    3) Do the "Brr it's cold in here" cheer with Gabrielle Union.

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5. If you're thinking that you can save calories by putting one of those little lemonade or tea packets straight into a cup of Aristocrat vodka and it'll taste good, you're wrong. Do not do it.

6. Do not drink Smirnoff vodka straight from the bottle using Cheetos as a chaser. Long story short, you'll vomit, have to throw out your sheets and your roommate will forever remember you in this gorgeous state.

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7. Always keep at least one hoe dress. After a hard month at work, you're gonna want to dance to Rihanna and be a hoe and that's okay. Everyone does it. You. Me. Amal Clooney. Michelle Obama. Eve from the Bible.

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8. Live for moments that take your breath away. And by this, I mean eat so much that you are literally out of breath because your expanded stomach is pushing on your lungs.

9. Don't waste time with chicken drumsticks. Those things have so many random ass pieces of tendon and weird ass chewy bits. Go straight for the flat wings. You can put the whole thing in your mouth and unzip it like a chicken jacket.

10. No matter how full you are, always finish the fries.

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11. Parents are amazing people. Both of mine are white and they defied modern medicine by producing a full Asian child. Moms and dads just know shit and honestly they endured raising your dumbass, even through that angsty-Avril Lavigne phase, so show a little gratitude and respect.

12. When anyone asks you what you thought of Meryl Streep in something, always declare "She's Meryl." Even if the movie was garbage (haha "Ricki and the Flash").

13. If you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed, watch an episode or 50 of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." I've done several scientific studies on this and it's oddly calming. I don't know if it's their monotone voices or how even deaf, blind birds can understand what's going on, either way, it works.

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14. Pigeons are assholes.

15. When you're in college and poor, go to the mall food court and just feast on chicken samples. All of those restaurants will call them something different like "bourbon chicken" or "pineapple chicken" or "pigeon chicken" but to be honest they're all General Tso's Chicken and they're free and delicious.

16. If you go to the beach once, you will never get all of the sand out of your life ever.

17. Nothing quite crushes your excitement over telling a story like when your friend frowns and says "You told me this already." WELL BITCH, BUCKLE UP BECAUSE HERE WE GO AGAIN.

18. It's okay to outgrow friends. People change and mature and develop new interests and this isn't 9th grade and you don't need the votes for Homecoming Princess. Find a close group of friends and people who support you and are genuinely happy for you when Chrissy Teigen likes your tweet. These are the ones who matter.

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19. It's important to weigh the worth of your strengths, particularly when you're job-hunting. I have personally found that the "special ability to smell fried chicken from miles away" is not quite as impressive as it may seem.

20. If you even slightly want that dessert, get it. You don't want to die regretting something and Jesus does not want to hear you complain for all of eternity that you didn't get that cookie cake.

21. As a leader, lead firmly by example but also be respectful. When my subordinates want me to review something, I politely request they print it out and bring it to my office so we can chat. Then, when they go to hand me the papers, I like to slap them out of their hand while yelling "NOT TODAY." Balance, ya know.

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22. Eight times out of 10, making out with a random guy in a bar will not lead to a lasting relationship.

23. Always watch Hocus Pocus around Halloween and Love Actually around Christmas.

24. If a guy ever tells you that you do something well "for a girl," tell him that he does something well "for someone whose reproductive organs hang freely and in the open for anyone to kick."

25. Don't question who you're attracted to and don't let other people make you feel stupid for being attracted to Lil' Wayne or 19-year-old Shawn Mendes. CAN I LIVE.

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26. Making new friends as an adult can be hard. Here are a few introductory phrases I've found have attracted my friendship and I think would work on most people:
    1) I can't finish this, do you want the rest?
    2) I know the security code to the front gate of Zac Efron's house.
    3) I made these brownies for you.

27. Find fashion that suits you and don't follow all of the trends. You're gonna look back at pictures of yourself wearing popped polo collars and sweater vests and giant hoops and wait did I mention sweater vests, and be like "why."

28. Getting a Brazilian wax never gets easier. You never truly get used to a middle-aged Russian woman pouring hot liquid on your lady cave then abruptly tearing away your ovaries.

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29. To be honest, Pocahontas should have married Kocoum.

30. It doesn't take long for New York to have an impact on who you are. Your wardrobe slowly becomes predominately black. Your sunglasses get darker. Your soul becomes black, hardened by having to scowl at tourists and push through finance bros on the subway. The one thing that does not turn black is your bank account because you're paying more than it costs to build a spaceship in rent for an apartment the size of a crab cage. However, this in no way detours you from going to bottomless brunch, happy hour drinks or Michelin-starred restaurants. DEBT IS COOL!

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And that's it! I'm glad I could share just a cup of this waterfall of knowledge I've accrued over the years. Now go forth my child, learn from my experiences and live the life Chrissy Teigen dreamed for us.