2018 SAG Awards in the bag

I say this every year, but I love the SAG Awards. They might be my favorite show of the year because fellow actors select the winners. I feel like generally, unless you're in prison, you can trust the judgment of your peers. Though to be fair, if you're in prison and your peers vote you as like "Coolest Prisoner," that'd be pretty sweet too. I bet Martha Stewart was definitely voted as such.

Best dressed:

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That's right, just one: Yara Shahidi. A lot of the ladies looked fantastic, but this was the only look that elicited my famous yet never requested YAAAA scream. A jumpsuit! A long, dramatic train! That hair and makeup! My only concern with this look was, how does she go to the bathroom? Is there some sort of hidden flap we can't see? I can't help but consider this because nothing makes me more anxious than feeling like my ability to go to the bathroom is compromised.

Okay ew you guys stop talking about bathroom habits. I want to add that Yara is 17, set to attend Harvard in the fall and received a letter of recommendation from Michelle Obama. I mean, sounds like me at 17 except minus the red carpets, Hollywood fame, Harvard-worthy smarts and add lots of listening to Ashlee Simpson while eating Popeye's every other day and scoring 17% on the AP Biology final. Me and Yara and just two peas in a pod.

How to properly do a red carpet:

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Eris Baker, who plays Tess on "This is Us," is proof that age does not determine red carpet ferocity. Make room on the dinner table, because Eris is here serving all kinds of face. That brow lift! Those angles! You have to understand how hard it is to pull off smizing as easily as she does. The last time I tried was over a decade ago for my senior photos leading the photographer to say "Umm, okay let's maybe not do that look" while my mom said "Why do you look so confused?" IT'S HARD, OKAY.

How to not do a red carpet:

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I want to first note that I like Alison Brie and think she's adorable. But this dress in combination with the weird crotch-out pose she's doing is so odd. She has fallen prey to the ol' my-dress-has-a-slit-and-even-though-its-obvious-I'm-going-to-overpose-to-show-it-off. Like, a slit is literally a spot in your dress where material is missing so your leg can't help but be wild and free. You don't have to constantly stretch your leg out while throwing your cat at everybody. It's like wearing contacts and glasses -- doing both is inefficient and visually confusing.

People actually eat the food!

This dude seemed to be really excited about it. Dinner choices were either salmon or chicken because red meat gives you gas and aint nobody trying to blow ass next to Mandy Moore. That bitch will call you out and embarrass you in front of the cast of "The Crown" and it is the main reason we aren't friends anymore. 

The show also served 480 regular-sized bottles of champagne and 160 magnum-sized bottles. For those of you who don't buy your champagne bottles in Costco size, a magnum bottle is equivalent to two regular-sized bottles. Here's a visual reference:

So, one magnum bottle of champagne is roughly equivalent to one Holly Hunter. Simple comparative math.

Get someone who looks at you like Molly looks at Reese 

Shoutout to my girl Laura Dern and her girls too. This was during Nicole Kidman's acceptance speech after she won Outstanding Performance by an Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. Nicole, Reese and Laur-Deezy (what she always asks me to call her) were all nominated, but as we all know, Nicole owns this category. In standard Nikki Kidman form, she gave an eloquent speech up until the point that she pronounced Susan Sarandon's last name like Saran Wrap (SARAHN-DON). Being the mature adult that I am, I could not stop laughing.

Anyway here's Susan's reaction:

Alexander Skarsgard also of course won and tried to make a joke about how he beat De Niro but it came off more awkward than that time I said a tide pool at the beach was full of "orgasms" as opposed to "organisms."

Anyway, this sadly wraps up the "Big Little Lies" marathon of award show wins (for now). But let's celebrate by embracing this embrace between Nikki and L. Deezy:

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I know Nicole is drawing out the hug because she's reaching behind Laura to hug Reese too, but I'd like to think she just wanted to hug Laura longer. Because lord knows I would. One of my favorite things to do is linger hug someone and while I usually save that exclusively for dogs, I would 100% linger hug Laura Dern.

This is the most we will see of Leslie Bibb, ever

You guys, seriously. I've now seen Leslie Bibb more than I've seen my own parents. To be honest, I hope she's including all of these awards shows on her IMDB and tells future casting directors "Oh, you may recognize me from my work as smiling spouse at the 2018 SAG Awards." 

I guess you could say I love Margot Robbie

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I don't even have anything else to add. Margot Robbie is one of those girls who, to quote the contemporary poet/academic/light-of-my-life Beyonce, woke up like this. After some background research, I have found that she has never experienced an ugly day in her life.

Andrea from 90210 is the SAG-AFTRA president?!

Let me preface this by saying I did not mean to screenshot her like this, it just happened and I think we should go with it. Were you all aware that Gabrielle Carteris, aka Andrea from the original 90210, was the president of SAG-AFTRA? In case you can't recall what her character looked like, here she is:

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Killin' it with the choker. While I was entirely too young to be watching this show in the early 90s, it really prepared me for Dawson's Creek and then later to be fully disappointed in the offering of boys at my high school. I was shocked to find neither David Silver nor Pacey Witter in any of my classes.

My TV queens came out on top!

While she wasn't at the ceremony because she's undergoing chemotherapy, Julia Louis-Dreyfus still made history by becoming the most decorated actor in SAG history. With her win for actress in a comedy and Veep's win for comedy series, she has a total of 9. NINE! I feel like using the numeral and spelling it out makes it super dramatic. This is honestly also just a reason to include a random Veep gif, cool thanks for letting me:

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And my other (literal) queen, Claire Foy won actress in a drama, beating out Elisabeth Moss. While I love "The Handmaid's Tale," season 2 of "The Crown" was so so so so good. And Claire's final season on the show! Since they're jumping forward a couple decades for the next season. And because you're wondering why she wasn't there, per her last text to me, she was in Berlin filming the new Girl With the Dragon Tattoo movie. So I was happy to eat her chicken in her place.

UPSET ALERT

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For the most part, SAG winners went along the same lines as the Golden Globes EXCEPT for Outstanding Ensemble in a Drama Series. "This is Us" came through like a made-over Rachel Leigh Cook stealing Freddie Prinze Jr.'s heart and stole the award from "The Handmaid's Tale." I was pretty surprised and I'm hoping now that the show has won, it'll end whatever bet Milo Ventimiglia had going on and he can finally shave that shit off his face. No offense to mustaches, but 88% of them look terrible, while the 12% that look good all belong to Tom Selleck. 

Mustaches aside, look how presh Milo and Mandy are! Like the movie poster for "A Walk to Remember 2: Still Walking to Remember."

Also, Sterling made history again! The first black actor to win Outstanding Actor in a Drama Series. 

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He gave another memorable speech, saying: "People call actors weird and strange but you have to embrace yourselves for who you are." Which I 100% agree with. But it also made me remember someone I went to school with, who I'd say was really into "acting" and the drama program, and okay was maybe a little weird but I tried to connect with once. And by "connect with," I mean I asked her if she had seen "Mean Girls" to which she said "No. I do not see the point in that movie." I cannot tell you how much that derailed me. It's like in movies when an explosion happens and the character's hearing is temporarily lost and all they hear is ringing and it's all extremely jarring. The point is that you should embrace who you are as long as who you are is a Cady Heron fan.

When the Bojangles cashier says it'll be 10 minutes while they fry more chicken:

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And when they finally call your order number for that freshly fried chicken:

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Frances McDormand won Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role, following up on her Golden Globes win. Pretty sure she'll nab the Oscar too, even though I'd love for Margot Robbie to be recognized for her complete transformation into Tonya Harding. I finally realized that Frances is kind of like the American version of Emma Thompson. Quirky and IDGAF'ish while also being amazingly talented. Wait and also, remember how she was Miss Clavel in the Madeline movie? WHERE IS HER OSCAR FOR THAT?

Finally, here is me with Morgan Freeman

I thought y'all would want a better shot of me in my natural state. Morgan Freeman was recognized with the Life Achievement Award and I would listen to this man recite an entire academic journal on the mating rituals of bats if he wanted to. His voice is so smooth and I know I joke about consulting God all the time, but God literally asked Morgan Freeman to do his voice work. What further proof do you need of his acting prowess. 

Ending this post with a shoutout to the show's first-ever host, Kristen Bell, quoting what I like to tell all men on our first date:

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See you next week for the Grammys!

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 3)

We have to begin this post by addressing a critical issue:

THERE'S JUST GIANT JARS OF FUCKING CANDY IN THE HOUSE? FOR FREE? AVAILABLE AT ALL TIMES? Why don't the women either congregate around the candy bar or bring the candy jars to the couch? I have so many questions and this scene is really making me question the legitimacy of this show. LOOK AT THOSE WILD BERRY SKITTLES. Wild Berry Skittles are the Rolls-Royce of Skittles. I'm shocked we have yet to have a scene where one of the girls gets wasted and spills one of the jars of candy all over the floor. I CAN'T TRUST YOU, ABC.

Also that's Annaliese's back to the camera, which provides a good transition.

Oh no Annaliese, no no

Thirsty ass Annaliese spent the majority of the episode having a Claire Danes' cry attack about being one of the only women to not kiss Arie (seriously, even I've kissed him). Between posting emo songs to her Myspace, she even managed to bring down the pure joy of the group date involving a bunch of adorable dogs. 

Those are Arie's nasty ass legs, which I'll address in a bit.

While everyone was enjoying the dogs, we were lucky enough to hear Annaliese dramatically recount her many "traumatic" experiences with dogs. One of these experiences is literally about the time she was staying at a friend's house and their dogs came into the room she was sleeping in. HOW DARE THOSE DOGS THAT LIVE IN THAT HOUSE ENTER A ROOM THAT IS IN THE HOUSE THEY LIVE IN.

Okay so anyway, she's on this sinking Debbie Downer ship and in a last ditch effort, before the Rose Ceremony, she talks to Arie and basically asks him to kiss her. To which he says, "I don't think we're there yet." THIS COMING FROM THE DUDE WHO HAS PROBABLY MADE OUT WITH A HOT DOG. If you didn't guess, this sealed Annaliese's fate and she went home.

Lauren did the brave thing no one else would do

LAUREN S. ATE SOME OF THE COOT! SHE ATE THE CHEESE! Later Arie ate some of the grapes because he's a dumbass. Everyone knows you eat the meat and cheese first, idiot. My point here is, regardless of what I say about Lauren S., girl is a hero and we along with all the wasted coot boards will not forget her cheese endeavors.

They had a pretty cool one-on-one date at a Napa winery and then quite possibly the most awkward dinner I've ever had to watch between two humans. Lauren talked for 150 hours straight while Arie pretended to be interested because let's not kid ourselves, despite any conversation going on, he is only ever thinking about two things: 1) Me like making out/eating faces 2) Me do not know what to do with hands. 

He ultimately did not give Lauren the date rose because he felt like she probably needed to go home to be with her family and also felt she "didn't open up enough" to him. WTF. THIS GIRL JUST GAVE YOU THE LONG-FORM, ACADEMIC RESEARCH PAPER ON HER LIFE. 

ABC left us with this super dramatic, cover of a teen romance novel shot of Arie holding the rose:

Per my earlier assessment of what his brain can handle, please look at his hands. NO ONE HOLDS ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF HOLDING THINGS.

The only item of note from the other group date
The girls created personas for themselves for a wrestling match, wherein most of them did that thing where they tried to make their costume "sexy." Kind of like girls at Halloween who dress up as a "sexy nurse" or a "sexy doctor" or a "sexy baked potato." But, our girl Bibiana went full-on Cady Heron and dressed as a bridezilla:

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It ultimately didn't matter as Bibiana was sent home during the Rose Ceremony. Which, isn't she the real winner here, getting to go home.

I finally know who this is!

I swear they didn't show her name AT ALL during the last episode, but we finally know who Marker Brows is! And by "know who she is" I mean we really know who she is:

When the show reminded me she was from NC I was like "YOOO NC YOOOO" but then she straddled Arie before the Rose Ceremony and I was like "YOOO NOOOO." My issue with this is not her brazen making out with a guy, it's that the guy is Arie. COME ON GIRL. You live in the south! We eat biscuits for every meal, I thought your judgment was better than that! And I know the premise of the show is to get to know the Bachelor and win his heart, but I feel that's only the case when the Bachelor is hot and rich and smooth, all of which are antonyms for "Arie."

Wait, I have to point out that when Jenna was leading Arie to this couch to make-out, she said "Oh, it's chilly out" and he replied with "Oh, I'll bring the heat." HAHAHA I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE TURNED OFF IN MY LIFE. The only heat he's bringing is the fire to light this rocket so I can be shot into space away from him.

Following this make-out session, you'll be shocked to know that Arie did in fact give Jenna a rose. I'm sure based on the deep, meaningful conversation they had.

Times I was especially grossed out by Arie:

As I think I've established before, the way Arie eats and kisses is exactly the same, so the top left and bottom right photos grossed me out for the same reason. It's safe to assume I am fully turned off by Arie's mouth. It's like watching that Man v. Food guy do one of those disgusting food challenges. Or watching a snake try to swallow a bird egg whole.

In the top right one, Arie looks like a thumb or maybe a foot. That is my only reason.

The bottom left one is Arie during the dog group date. He for some unknown reason decided to wear patterned shorts with tube socks and Converse. First off, I could've gone my whole life without seeing Arie's legs in shorts. As for the look, I don't know if he thought this was fashionable because the boys in Stranger Things wore it, but um, Arie this is 2018 and you're not 13 and you're also not being tormented by a demogorgon.

What I'm saying here is that these four photos actually caused my ovaries to seal themselves in a vault as far away from Arie as possible. 

Brows that are too good for Arie:

Eyebrows aside, Marikh and Seinne are absolutely too gorgeous for Arie. Let's be real with ourselves here and say that if it weren't for the show and being forced to mingle with him, they WOULD NOT give his wack ass the time of day. Nothing grinds my gears more than women wasting their brow potential on a scrub. Also, this begins my petition for Seinne to be the next Bachelorette. SPREAD THE WORD.

Favorite of the week: Tia (again)

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Arie surprised Tia with a "southern" setup, from which we learned that Arie thinks "southern" means bales of hay and moonshine. It's kind of like how restaurants think a chicken salad can be marketed as an "Asian chicken salad" because it has mandarin oranges and almond slivers.

Our girl Tia drank the moonshine with no issue while his goofy ass made this face. I need to get to something deep real quick: I have zero time for a guy who can't take shots of something without making a face. And that's not something that is based out of gender norms. It's purely because during shots, I yell and make gross faces and I need to be the sole center of attention, and if my dumbass guy is making this dumbass face, it steals my thunder. You understand.

Back to the point. Arie knows zero things about the south, has probably never had Bo'Berry Biscuits and likely equates chicken cooked on the grill to "barbecue."

Additionally, I will also accept Tia as our next Bachelorette.

Ending this post by sharing my reaction any time Krystal speaks:

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Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 2)

While I wasn't sure about our Chili's server Arie last week, I am 100% positive this week that I am 450% not attracted to him at all. I have honestly been more attracted to a half-eaten Chipotle burrito that wasn't even my burrito.

And here is how I came to my decision that Arie is about as desirable as a leaky trashbag:

DEAR GOD WHAT DID THESE WOMEN DO TO HIM THAT HE HAD TO SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF THEM? Arie kisses like when you're trying to put a whole ice cream cone in your mouth. I mean I don't know, maybe these ladies were wearing cupcake flavored chapstick and he got confused and thought he was eating an actual cupcake in one bite. It's like he Googled "How to kiss" and watched a series of poor tutorials and this is what he came up with.

I guess Becca K. won

Boiled chicken chose Becca K. for the first one-on-one date, which turned out to be a pretty bombass time. It consisted of Arie introducing Becca to designer Rachel Zoe who then just gifted her a bunch of couture. He then took her to some scenic bench that this show just seems to have readily available at any location to give her a pair of mofo Louboutin heels AND Harry Winston jewelry. That's all the date was, Becca being in her own episode of Oprah's Favorite Things. I mean, yes, she was subjected to Arie sucking her face like a Ghostbusters gun trying to wrangle in a ghost, but Louboutin heels and Harry Winston!

It felt like the finale episode because during their dinner date later, this happened:

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At first I was like, oh cool I guess Becca won after only two weeks of this show, great! WRONG. She did get a rose though, obviously.

This is what the girls who are not on a date do

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They literally just sit around shooting the shit in full hair and make-up while drinking wine. Honestly, this is the better date to be on. On a couch with endless wine while I assume Lauren (it's always safe to go with Lauren) tells some story about the time she was so drunk that she pooped out of a moving vehicle. 

Annaliese had a traumatic bumper car experience

For the first group date, which included what seemed to be literally every woman in the house, Arie had the girls participate in a Demo Derby. For this, they all got junk cars and had to ram into each other until their cars stopped running. Everyone was excited for it except for Annaliese:

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We then learned in a Oscar-worthy explanation that she had a horrible experience on bumper cars as a kid. Was she hit by one? Ran over by one? Uh no. She explained that she was in one and got trapped between a bunch of cars and they were bumping into her. SO SHE WAS IN A BUMPER CAR AND EXPERIENCED WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN A BUMPER CAR. SHOCKING AND LIFE ALTERING.

Wait is this how old Bekah M. is

I'm not lying, when this came onscreen, I had to rewind and watch again. But calm down you guys, she was just Car 13 during the Demo Derby. While on the topic of Bekah, I think we can all agree that she perhaps isn't the brightest bulb in the box of broken lightbulbs. I'm not one to call someone dumb because everyone has their strengths, but look, one time she asked me how to spell orange.

Also later before the Rose Ceremony during her time with Arie, she wore a fur coat and said "I always have to have a fur coat on me." Aside from the fact this is a ludicrous comment, here is her not wearing a fur coat during the same episode:

I'm not always negative because like I said, everyone has their strengths. Bekah's particular strength is that she has great hoops and I'm honestly considering getting some like this. What are everyone's thoughts, should I go bigger?

RIP to all the uneaten charcuterie

So Krystal won the second one-on-one date that mostly consisted of them ignoring charcuterie, or as we call it in the eating biz, coot. TWO INSTANCES OF UNEATEN COOT. TWO. Once while they were on the private jet to Scottsdale, Arizona, where Arie is from. And then the second time while she was meeting his parents. Because yes, that's what you want to do on your first date. Ignore a lovely cheese and crackers plate while you fly to meet the parents of some guy you barely know.

Krystal loved it though and Arie obviously gave her a rose while they both ignored plates of mashed potatoes. I know you're probably thinking "How can you even tell what that is?" BITCH, I KNOW A MASHED POTATO WHEN I SEE ONE.

Throwing in a final note on Krystal that she is kookoo and now everyone in the house hates her. She spent most of the time before the Rose Ceremony trying to steal Arie away EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY HAD A ROSE. Bibiana eventually spoke up for the house and told her off and we all cheered.

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Who is this?

I could not remember who this was (Lauren?) but they kept showing her and this was always the face she was making. EVERY TIME. I'm pretty sure the producers were just showcasing those amazing brows she's got going on. Even though they're bordering on marker'ish, they're still pretty great. So good for you, Marker Brows, you can stay (and she did as Arie gave her a rose and I still don't remember her name).

Favorite of the week: Seinne

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So we already knew that Seinne was way too good for Arie purely based on how gorgeous she is. This week we learned that she's really really too good for him as she told him that she went to Yale. She's now a commercial real estate agent, which, Arie also claims he's in real estate. But for all we know, when he says he's in "real estate," he could mean that he lists his basement for rent on Craigslist. Anyway, the takeaway is that Seinne should be the next Bachelorette. 

Let us pray that there is less Arie-ice-cream-eating-kissing next week. See you then!

What did we learn from the 2018 Golden Globes?

This post is brought to you by Amy Poehler, who we did not get nearly enough of during the show. We forever cherish the renowned and historic Golden Globes of 2013-2015 that Tina Fey and Amy gave us.

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So, like a child touching a hot stove repeatedly and never learning her lesson, I watched E!'s 3,000 hours of Red Carpet coverage that literally began last December, hosted by some randos I don't know and Kristin Cavallari. I have to be honest with you, Kristin is not the worst thing on the planet. Okay, you caught me, I love her? While Rancic's voice is more grating than parmesan cheese, I can connect with K. Cavvy (I just made that up, you're welcome) and she gave us emotional moments like this on The Hills:

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Anyway, I was enjoying the preheat to this oven before everything exploded during the actual fail carpet with Rancic and Seacrest. If you didn't hear, E! correspondent Catt Sadler recently quit the network after finding out lil' Jason Kennedy was making TWICE her salary. This was despite the fact they started at the same time and honestly had the same levels of fame and did the same amount of coverage. She asked for a raise and E! denied her. You can read more about this on her blog.

I was of course waiting for at least one star to bring this up and pour the hot tea on E!'s ignorance. And Debra Messing delivered! During the first interview! I'll let you watch below (clip also includes Eva Longoria showing her support while Seacrusty looks on):

Okay we have to move on because I'm worried Rancic's self-tanner is going to seep through the screen and I honestly just scrubbed all of it off from the last time I watched her on a red carpet.

Before we jump into the fashion: In case you've avoided all social media and TV and radio and magazines and any humans talking about anything, practically everyone in attendance wore black in support of the #TimesUp movement (which you can read more about here). Also, eight actresses brought activists as their dates, you can check out Refinery29's gallery here. 

Best dressed:

To be honest, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about Emilia Clarke's bleached hair but I am all about this look. The boob-peek (that's the official fashion lingo for this cut) complemented by the straight blonde hair and elegant make-up PLUS look at the face she is serving. It reminds me of the look I give to the buffet boy when he refills the fried chicken at Golden Corral. I'M COMING FOR IT.

Issa Rae is becoming one of my absolute faves on the carpet. She is stunning and I am here for this gown that let's her do the Angelina Jolie mono-leg pose. Oh, you thought this was just a plain dress? SURPRISE THERE'S A GIANT RIP THAT MY LEG CAN POKE THROUGH. Those are the best dresses, tbh. Both sexy and also breezy.

I'm realizing that I don't think I scream about my obsession with Jessica Chastain enough. I have loved her since The Help and she's pretty consistent in being the Ginger Gorgina at every event. I dig the old Hollywood vibes she's giving with this look and she is someone that I feel would be insane to see in real life. And by "insane" I mean you would just stare at her, trying to see through to her DNA to confirm she is the same species as you. Like, is she just the more evolved version of the type of woman I am? She is Charizard and I am just a basic ass Charmander? (YES THAT'S A POKEMON REFERENCE, I AM COOL)

Okay I know I am the only one on the planet who is picking Alicia Vikander as best dressed but what can I say, I'm a loyal ass friend. I know she looks like a cross between a Civil War widow and a witch on the Oregon Trail, but let's overlook that. Her face! And make-up! How she can pull off a middle part! She is one of the only women on the planet beautiful enough to wear a turtle neck grandma dress that is about as fashionable and sexy as a roast beef sandwich and still look amazing.

To the show!

Big Little Lies, you guys

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The show won in every category it was nominated: Best Miniseries or TV Film, Nicole Kidman for Best Actress, Laura Dern for Best Supporting Actress and Alexander Skarsgard for Best Supporting Actor. Which, look, it's important to note that based on how much I still fucking hate Perry (Alexander Skarskgard's character), he more than deserved the award. And I'm not going to caps lock assault you again about how amazing Nicole is in the series, rather, I want to caps lock assault you about how amazing Laura Dern is. 

Lizzy D (what she asks I call her) is stunning, and not just for a 50-year-old, like across all women. She fully immerses herself in every character she plays and for the most part I want to know what expensive ass water or weird-mushroom-Kombucha-yoga shake she's drinking because I need it. She, like Nikki Kidman, gave an inspirational and moving speech.

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BREAKING: My love for Zefron has been rekindled

I know I previously expressed satisfaction over our breakup because of his general lack of acting abilities, but per his face and also body in this black suit, I have changed my mind. KRAC IS BACK (KMac + Zac, duh). I think God invented stubble specifically to be sported by Zefron. And good lord, his crystal blue eyes. Okay and don't come at me, I know he's like 5'8"and petite, but he's so beefy too! He's like my little filet mignon. Small but satisfyingly beefy.

The only thing I've told him to improve upon is to stop doing this pose:

He does this dumb shit on every red carpet. First off, if being a teenager taught us anything it's well, don't eat salad when you have braces because that shit will be in every metal crevice. But it also taught us that you shouldn't touch your face. It just spreads oil and creates monster zits. I just don't get it. Is he wiping away drool? I know I look good eating a buttery grilled cheese in these new cropped sweatpants and all but damn, calm down.

Sterling K. Brown got the award he deserved last year

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And obviously said what anyone would say if faced with a front row Oprah. Um, remember how Sterling K. Brown didn't win the Globe last year for his role in The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story? I'm assuming this award doubles for that as well as his current role as "man who makes me cry every week on This Is Us." Honestly. Every week. How does he do it? He is also the first black actor to win the category and if my Justin Timberlake Cry Me a River tears are any sign, he'll win a lot more.

Who knew Leslie Bibb was married to Sam Rockwell?

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First off, all I remember Sam Rockwell from is the Charlie's Angels movie with Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore. Remember, he's the genius who fakes his kidnapping (bc he's actually the bad guy) then they rescue him and then he acts all charming by telling Drew that he doesn't know how to make Shake-n-Bake and blah blah they sleep together. It's such a complex movie. So he won Best Supporting Actor in a Film for Three Billboards and who even knew he was married to Brooke McQueen from Popular? If you didn't watch Popular, it was a short-lived teen drama on The WB about white people having drama while wearing pastels. Anyway, I'm glad to see her career has really skyrocketed.

A Hermione and Cedric reunion!

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I'm not a Harry Potter fan (sorry to disappoint), but oddly enough, I've seen Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire like 450 times. Mostly because it happens to be the movie that I always seems to catch on TV and also because I paid to see it in theaters. I don't even remember why I paid to see it, I think it had to do with the promise of an XXXXL popcorn. It was also meant to be because Rob Pattinson is in it (but dies, wtf) and we all knew I was destined to be obsessed with Twilight. Anyway, my little British heart (part of my heart is quite literally made up of mushy peas) loved this Emma + Rob pairing. Even though I now know Rob is weird and probably does shit like watch you sleep or stare at you through bushes, it's nice to reminisce.

I really need to watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

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Rachel Brosnahan won for Best Actress in a Comedy Series and the show won Best Comedy Series, which I mean, you really can't go wrong with an Amy Sherman-Palladino show. And she used her speech to ask about cheese which I am always onboard for. And as the Globes failed to ever nominate Gilmore Girls and only nominated Lauren Graham once (A TRAGEDY), I assume this is their way of making amends. After I watch Mrs. Maisel, I shall decide if this is enough.

Allison Janney is the expert at playing the mom
She was the mom in Juno. The mom in Hairspray. The mom'ish starfish in Finding Nemo. The mom in the show Mom. And of course, the crazy ass mom in I, Tonya. Which please watch immediately if you haven't already, if not to just appreciate her call back to her character with this fake bird:

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The Best Supporting Actress in a Drama might be the toughest category this awards show season. Between Allison Janney, Laurie Metcalf, Mary J. Blige and Octavia Spencer, it's like choosing between tater tots or waffle fries. Allison Janney took the Globe home, but to be honest, I would be happy to see her Mean Girls the award and break off pieces for each of the nominees.

OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH

Oprah received the Cecil B. de Mille Award and honestly I was already crying just from the montage they showed of her career before she came onstage. Then she gave a speech that was more moving than the tectonic plates beneath Pangea that separated the continents. Please just watch and join me in feeling both inspired and hopeful for the future. And by "future" I mean when Oprah runs for president.

And while it was frustrating for every single male winner to not address wage disparity or inequality or sexism in the industry, I kept replaying Oprah's speech for sanity and like I said, inspiration.

And here is just one woman Oprah is considering for vice president:

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YOOO DAT NATTY P. DOE. Coming through with the WELL DESERVED shade of the evening. Also look how Richie Cunningham giggles. Once again, five humans who are not capable of birthing children were nominated for Best Director. And look, almost every year it's horrendous that women aren't nominated, but this year proved to be especially horrendous because SO many deserving women directed amazing films. Dee Rees for Mudbound. Patty Jenkins for Wonder Woman. Greta Gerwig for Lady Bird. The Golden Globes quite literally had to go out of their way to avoid nominating a woman. Here were the dumb looks 4 of the 5 men had (Guillermo del Toro, who won, had a similar face, so you're not missing anything):

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If you haven't gotten the gist, the evening belonged to the women. As most evenings should, because as I continually point out, 105% of women are better than 100% of men. And I know we had that tiny slip-up with Eve and the gross apple thing, but like Hannah Montana says, everybody makes mistakes!

I'd like to end this post by providing recorded footage of my reaction to Lady Bird winning Best Musical or Comedy:

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I know. I look like Beyonce, I get that a lot.

See you all later this week for the Critics Choice Awards!