What Did We Learn from the 2015 SAG Awards?

1.  Tatiana Maslany and Tom Cullen are unbelievably beautiful together.  Have you ever made a sandwich with the best salami and cheese and toppings and it was just a masterpiece?  Right, that is them.  This photo (which is dramatically black and white) made me think -- have I ever stared that intensely and lovingly at something?  Yes, yes I have.  I did that just last Tuesday at Chipotle.  That chicken burrito and I had a moment very similar to this one.  I knew I should've used that sepia filter.

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2.  Rashida Jones provided more scientific proof that all red carpet hosts are in an unnecessary competition of ignorance.  It's as if they study all year out of some sort of manual that contains the World's Most Vapidly Ignorant Questions (likely written by Seacrest).  This rocket scientist asked Rashida why she looked so tan, to which Rashida replied:

3.  Wait, you know I can't touch on the subject of red carpet incompetence without mentioning E!. There's no need to provide context and I'm truly only including this because Julianne Moore is straight up rejecting a request to do the Mani Cam, which is by far the icing on the E! cake of boring red carpet coverage.  I can think of zero times I've wanted zoomed in footage of someone's fingers while they pretend their hand is walking down a red carpet.  Unless that hand was Zac Efron's, in which case, I would watch a NatGeo documentary on him trimming his nails.  

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4.  Eddie Redmayne is our new Taylor Swift in terms of delivering the "Oh my God, you like me?" face.  

5.  Just a reminder that Daenerys Targaryen looks like this in real life and occasionally goes by the name "Emilia Clarke."  And she slays the fashion game.  Wait, I can do a better opening: Here we have The Mother of Dragons slaying the red carpet.  OOOOH DANG.  I'm a fan of this dress, but my fav part is the look on her face.  I've been trying to master this raised eyebrow look for years, yet all I produce is this reaction that looks like a baby being surprised by a loud noise.

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6.  This girl missed an important opportunity to be in a photo with Meryl, Jen and Julia (we're on first name basis, get over it).  I respect how she's trying to play it cool, as if three boss ass bitches aren't casually taking a picture behind her.  Let me just explain what I would've done in this scenario: 1) Fully turn around, 2) Place arms around Meryl and Julia, 3) Kiss the top of Jen's head, and 4) Be escorted out of the event and questioned by the authorities as to how I was even allowed to enter the event per the pending restraining orders already in place.  Missed opportunity, girl!

7.  While Jared Leto continued to woo me with his luxurious locks of manliness, Matthew McConaughey opted for a beard made of bubbles.  You know what I'm talking about.  Remember when you were little, and you'd have a Mr. Bubbles bubble bath, and in the process you'd make yourself a beard out of bubbles?  DON'T LIE, YOU DID THIS TOO.  Right, Matty's looks like a hair version of this.  It's confusing and unruly.  Which, oddly enough, "confusing and unruly" is my personal description on Match.com.  Get in line, fellas!  Also, this is the most I've ever said "bubble bath" in my entire life.

8.  BREAKING NEWS:  EMMA STONE'S DRESS HAD POCKETS.  I'm going to assume she used her pockets to store M&Ms and mini bottles of Jameson, because isn't that what everyone keeps in their pockets?  Also, I loved the sheer element to this.  I bet she got to the after party and just ripped off the bottom portion of this dress while shimmying and yelling "SHEERMY SHEERMY" (as opposed to "shimmy shimmy").  She is so punny.

9.  Let's continue on the topic of Emma Stone.  After "Birdman" won for outstanding cast, Naomi Watts tripped over the train of Emma's dress.  Or, as I've been telling people, Emma tripped her.  Haha, that bitch, she cracks me up.  She made this face and then yelled "ASSHAT" with a British accent.  I can read lips, it's one of my many specialties, so I'm 100% positive that's what she said.

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10.  Lastly, Meryl "woo-ed" for Debbie Reynolds who won the Lifetime Achievement Award.  This is literally my only goal in life -- to have Meryl yell "WOO!" at me.  Well, that and to be a pancake eating champion, but I'm already close to achieving that one.  Actually, I just wish Meryl would follow me around and "WOO!" during everyday things.  Brushed my teeth before bed? WOO!  Got guacamole at Chipotle for free?  WOO!  Bought Girl Scout cookies? WOO!

Who knows what'll happen at the Oscars now.  Til then, I'm off to sculpt my bubble bath beard. #bubblebathbeard2015 SPREAD IT LIKE WILDFIRE!

What Did We Learn from the 2015 Golden Globes?

Since this was Tina and Amy's last year hosting, I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity to revive this baby.  So to the two readers I've maintained, I'M ALIVE! I know you're wondering my thoughts on the 2015 Golden Globes, so here we go!

1.  Seacrest and Rancic continued their competition to see who could be the most painfully awkward yet boring red carpet host. This gif summarizes their award winning work:

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Notes on this:

1.  Only Giuliana can make taking a shot with Clooney look boring and terrible.  

2.  Taylor Schilling is yawning like she's watching the annual Grandma Knitting Competition.

3.  A production assistant is rolling out because she aint about this shit.

4.  Amal is wondering how she went from advising Kofi Annan, to this.

5.  Clooney is wondering how Amal went from advising Kofi Annan, to this. 

2.  This girl won the Red Carpet:

Thanks to that older woman and Felicity Jones for holding the arrow for me. I like how in the photo above, she's trying to have a shimmy dance contest with Agatha (the older woman), but Agatha is not having it. And then, in the photo below, she is irate that Sally (the girl in red) let so many mere mortals get within the vicinity of Felicity. Dammit Sally!

3.  Tina and Amy should deliver a monologue before every event/life experience, ever.  Everything was hilarious and nothing hurt.  J.Law wasn't there this year (because we're currently hanging near the beach) so they chose an equally acceptable target:

4.  Jared Leto continues to be the mountain man version of Zac Efron and I'm not complaining. That braid. That beard. I just want him to take me to buy some velcro sandals, gluten free granola, and fat free water before we kayak on a lake built naturally by vegan monks.

5.  Slits down the middle of dresses were a thing. I'm partially confused by this trend because of the pose it evokes.  You have to constantly poke your leg through the slit to prove to people that you do in fact have legs. Otherwise, everyone would be like "Where's her legs?" And then, how does this situation work when you finally sit down? Is it like some sort of open drapes thing? I suppose this is convenient if the venue is really hot and you just need constant air. Environmentally friendly dress!

6.  Emma Stone wore what J.Lo and all the Middle Slit Wearers wished they were wearing.  If I ever go to an awards shows, I am definitely wearing pants. You can sit comfortably in your chair without wondering if your Lady Mary is going to make an appearance. And you can jump around and do cartwheels and all of that other shit that those slit wearers can't do! I'd also choose to wear pants as this would alleviate the view of inappropriateness when Zac Efron/Jared Leto carries me out of the show later that evening.

7.  For the first third of the show, I kept yelling, "WHY IS NO ONE DRINKING?" Which, oddly enough, is what I yell at most events (weddings, poetry readings, funerals, etc.). But then, Chrissy Teigen delivered, yet again. I'm open to marrying both her and John Legend. They have yet to return my calls and messages in bottles.

8.  Joanne Froggatt represented for us Downto(w)n folks. Her first nomination! She was one of the few of the night who I was yelling at the TV to win, and actually won (apparently I didn't yell loud enough for Reese Witherspoon). Also, she looked absolutely gorg. And being that she is teeny tiny, I have this immense urge to pick her up. Do shorter people get sick of this? Getting picked up? I just want to pick her up and be like "Whoooooosh" as I whoosh her around like a plane. Is that rude? No, it's loving.

9.  Boyhood won. How terrible would it have been to film a movie over 12 years only to have it win a Kristi's Choice Award? Albeit, KCA winners do receive a trophy made of Skittles and those recalled Lululemon leggings (I got them on bulk discount), so don't knock the legitimacy of the award. Bottom line here: You should see Boyhood. It's worth it just to see the drastic hairdo changes. 

10.  Lastly, while no one will reach the mastery level of Feyler, I think we've found our 2016 hosts:

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Cheers to extremely random, yet awkward blogging in 2015!

What Did We Learn from the 2013 MTV VMAs?

The MTV Video Music Awards were held last night, and if you watched, you know there were many lessons to be learned. Let me begin by stating that MTV should really rename the show to the "Music Awards," because let's be honest, music videos aren't really the deciding factor. To the lessons!

1.  MTV's Red Carpet hosts might be more horrible than E!'s hosts.
Sway began the show by telling 2 Chainz, "You're not in jail! Alright man, I thought you'd be in jail." I mean, if that's not awesome interviewing skills, I don't know what is. Plus, does Sway take some sort of pill prior to hitting the Red Carpet that causes his speech to slow down? It was like watching someone speak in slow motion. Like he had peanut butter in his mouth, thus causing him to talk slowly.

2.  You should also keep disinfectant nearby. Television waves transport a lot.
I'm looking at you Miley. Dear God. I don't even know what to say here. I felt more embarrassed for her than that time I slipped and fell in front of a busload of classmates while carrying my flute to the band room. And that's saying a lot. I actually cringed during the entire performance. What was with the tongue thing? Did she take PCP? She looked like a cat trying to gag up a hairball. And then, when you thought the pain was over, she stayed on stage to "twerk" on Robin Thicke. I use quotation marks as I don't call bending over in front of someone while biting your finger as dancing.

RiRi does not care for your fuckery.

Nonetheless, following the performance, I bleached everything and showered in Lysol. Just to ensure I didn't catch Mileyhrrea.

Also, there is only one Queen of the VMA-"I'm grown up now" performance:

3.  Selena needs new friends.
"Come and Get It" is STILL my jam. I'm not even ashamed. Selena Gomez, or Selenita as we call her, is really coming into her own. Maybe due to that lesbian phase she went through with that Bieber girl? Either way, she needs to continue to trim the weak links in her life. I'm looking at you Taylor Swift. Which, by the way, I never fell for T.Swift's innocent baby lamb deal. I know she's a Regina George and only wants to ruin people's lives.

And why did they show her awkward dancing so much? If I want to see a baby giraffe trying to scratch its neck with its mouth, I'll go to the zoo. Not an awards show.

Sit down Taylor, we can't see Ellie.

4.  Gaga's still got it.
Four outfit changes. A bomb new song. And she wore this the ENTIRE show (and apparently did lunges):

Shell bikini's are in, y'all!

5.  Bruno Mars was trying to impregnate everyone.
Thank goodness I'm on birth control. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure all of his hip thrusting would've somehow formed a baby. In fact, shortly after the show, Ryan Seacrest found out she was pregnant. That Lady Seacrest, so fertile.

6. Justin is the Beyonce. JC is the Kelly. And the other ones are the Michelle.
NSYNC REUNION! Blink and you missed it, though. In all fairness, Joey Fatone could probably only dance on stage for like 20 seconds before passing out, so the short-lived reunion made sense. It was like the Beyonce Super Bowl performance, but imagine Kelly and Michelle being in lights that made it hard to see them. With "mics" made of carrots. Also, I felt sad for JC at the end, when Justin had CLEARLY let them know that their time had come and gone, yet he felt the need to randomly belt out notes. Poor guy. Apparently being a judge on "America's Best Dance Crew" isn't as fulfilling as it sounds.

The "Bye Bye Bye" fist pump is always acceptable.

7.  The Justin Timberlake concert in the middle of the VMAs saved the show. Somewhat.

I mean, there's only so much you can salvage after Miley drops a major deuce on the show. Other "artists" should take note. Justin showed us how to sing live, falsetto at times, AND dance at the same time (cough, Chris Brown). And goodness gracious that man knows how to wear a suit. He must've majored in suit wearing, that's the only explanation. It's too bad all of this is a complete waste on the lamp he's married to, Jessica Biel. Thankfully, he left her at home. Because she's allergic to fun.

8.  Kanye West takes himself very seriously.

I find this to be exceptionally hilarious because honestly, after you've appeared on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," all credibility is lost. I love how he continues to think he's a serious "artist" though. I mean, I too can buy the T-Pain App and make my voice sound like that. I suppose if I do that in conjunction with dancing in front of woodsy art, I'm suddenly "successful." I won't say too much because I don't want his fan club to sent me hate mail. Which, in case you didn't know, his fan club is run by him. And consists of him. And 100-200 cardboard cutouts of him.

...AND THE BIGGEST LESSON OF THE NIGHT:

PRAYER WORKS, Y'ALL:

I always knew that remaining the last fan on the planet who held out hope for a Danity Kane reunion would pay off. While I give God the credit on this one, I certainly had the assist. However, if Diddy somehow manages to tarnish this reunion in any way, I will find him, and punch his sunglasses. Follow up post on my reaction to this to follow. I'm trying to avoid using too much caps lock.

Deep Thoughts on ... Dirty Ghosts

All of the hype surrounding the latest horror flick, "The Conjouring," has reminded me of something that continually bothers me. Why are the ghosts/spirits/whatever they are in these films always so dirty? It's like they competed in a Tough Mudder before creeping through your stairwell.

Even worse, why are the lady ghosts always wearing doily dresses from the Civil War? I mean, even ghosts that aren't from that era. I suppose the stores they have to choose from are pretty limited. Maybe the only apparel for women at the ghost store is old timey dresses, as I suppose that would literally be the fashion graveyard. Ha. Fashion Graveyard. That's probably the name of the store.

Anyway, so they always show up, probably right after the family has JUST moved in. So, the carpets are all clean and everything is just starting to be put in its place. And this dirty ass ghost wearing outdated fashions shows up to drag itself all over the off-white carpets. RUDE.

Why don't these movies ever feature a well-dressed, cleaned-up ghost? I mean, its a ghost. It can walk through walls. Including the walls of H&M and probably of a shower. Would it be too much to ask for them to use some body wash, maybe brush the worms off their teeth, and put on a nice summer dress from J.Crew?

These movie producers should really branch out.

Also, obviously not including any pics or movie promos here, as most horror movie trailers scare the shit out of me. Literally. And that's just messy. Instead, I leave you with this semi-related gif:

Shit Chloe Says

Apologies for the lack of posts lately. But, what better way to get back into the groove of things than a #shitchloesays?

This particular gem occurred while Chloe enjoyed an episode of "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives":

Chloe: "Omg, turn on Triple D."
Me: "Mmm, they're making sandwiches."
Chloe: "Cured meats. My krypton, it's."

MY KRYPTON, IT'S. Yes, she speaks like Yoda from time to time.

Things I Wish I Knew in Middle School

Middle school seems to be those elusive years that everyone can relate to in the same way.  And by "same way" I mean we were all ugly and socially awkward. But, now that I'm essentially that wise owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials, I have the knowledge necessary to educate middle school me.  Here's some lessons that would've been nice to know:

1.  Eyebrow waxing is completely fine.
Yes, middle-school Kristi, waxing through those bushy penguin eyebrows is completely fine. You will survive. They won't wax off your eye, or your hairline, or your ear. Nope, they stick right to the eyebrows. Don't wait to have this done at the end of your 8th grade year. No, no, do it as soon as those hedges start growing in. Your vision won't be as compromised, and you'll appreciate photos later.

As a note, I remember thinking after the first time I got my eyebrows waxed, "Do I look weird? I think I'm going to let them grow back in." I'M NOT LYING. Above is my school photo from 8th grade for proof.

2.  Baggy shirts "half-tucked" into jeans/shorts are not fashionable.

3.  "Skate shoes" are not cool if you don't need them for their actual purpose.

Maybe this was just at my school, but everyone wanted Etnies, or DC, or Osiris shoes. Forget the brand name, the majority of them looked the same, complete with a hugely overstuffed tongue and untied laces. Which, now that I think about it, seems really unsafe for skateboarding. I don't quite know what the deal was with them, as these shoes weren't as univeral as I would says Vans are.

4.  Middle School "relationships" do not count.
Don't even lie, you and your friends kept a count of how many "boyfriends" you had. Back in my day, relationships began like this:

--Sally tells her best friend Jenny that she likes Ben.
--Jenny talks to Ben's best friend Jason about Sally liking Ben, but she tells Jason NOT to tell Ben.
--Jason of course tells Ben.
--Ben decides if it's in his best social interest to have a girlfriend. This decision is reached by asking himself, "Does Sally have skate shoes?"
--Ben decides he likes Sally too, based solely on the notion that she likes him. He tells Jason.
--Jason tells Jenny (Sally's best friend, KEEP UP). But tell hers not to tell Sally. And also tells her that he just happened to find out.
--Jenny of course tells Sally.
--Sally and Ben then awkwardly exchange flirtations until Ben asks Sally out through Ben who asks through Jenny via smoke signals.

TRUE ROMANCE, YA'LL. Be grateful that I summarized in that short paragraph. I'm pretty sure scientific studies have been done on this middle school ritual.

5.  Writing notes and folding them in intricate ways is the only skill you need to master.
I distinctly remember my friends and I making up nick-names for our "crushes" (Oh God, please judge me for just saying that) in the case that someone else found our notes. Which, even if someone did find our notes, they would spend 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the pandora's-box-folded note, that the content wouldn't even be worth it.

Notes were also a very important part of every middle school relationship. WHAT, YOUR "BOYFRIEND" DIDN'T WRITE YOU A NOTE BETWEEN THE PASSING PERIOD AND THE CURRENT CLASS YOU'RE IN. WITH HIM? Better break it off.

6.  Don't buy a flute.
Oh, big surprise, I was in band. On the first day of class in 7th grade, we were asked what instrument we wanted to play. I chose the flute because it could easily fit in my locker (a regular Einstein, I tell ya). I continued on to Advanced Band in 8th grade, THAT'S RIGHT, ADVANCED. Don't even act like you're not impressed. At this point, I was a regular Ron Burgundy-Jazz Flutist, and figured I needed my own instrument. I did quite a bit of researching (via modem back then) and begged my parents for one, but never got one.

Let me just say, this was another instance where my parents decision was pretty on point. Let's just say 8th grade was the peak of my flutist days. I guess classical music will never know the beautiful stylings of my woodwind abilities (stop thinking of inappropriate jokes).

7.  Don't stress anything academically. 
Literally, the only thing I remember from middle school is that my Math teacher's name was "Marcia Garcia," to which I made a song about that went like this: "Marsha Garsha! Mar-see-uh Gar-see-uh!" I felt the need to spell out the pronunciation so you could see how witty I was.

And there you have it. I'm going to print this out now and send it to middle school me via the mailbox from that Sandra Bullock movie "The Lake House."

Shit Chloe Says

She's really pumping out some quality quotes.

"We should think of a gang sign for our group! That way, if we get plastic surgery, we'll have a way to recognize each other."