What Did We Learn from the 2013 Oscars?

THE PROM OF AWARDS SHOW SEASON, YA'LL! Let me start this post off by stating that I watched half of the Red Carpet show on E! prior to them being kicked off the carpet. I'm assuming partially due to Seacrest's face and general idiocy breaking their cameras. Either way, I watched the last half on ABC, which, for unexplainable reasons, allowed Kristin Chenoweth to screech her way through several interviews.

So, just a few pre-show notes:

Kelly Osbourne has only two statements prepared for critiquing dresses on the Red Carpet:
(1) "OH MY GOD. SHE IS GORGEOUS. I AM OBSESSED."
(2) "SHE LOOKS STUNNING. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL."
As you can tell, she's quite well spoken. And caps lock doesn't do her justice, as she literally was exclaiming both of those comments. E! picks some winners, I'm telling you.

E! stayed on air long enough for them to completely fail the Princess of Awards Show Season, Jennifer Lawrence, when she did the following:

WHAT, J.LAW AND EMMA STONE, BEST FRANDS? That's right folks. However, apparently the camera wasn't working, or as Seacrest fumbled, "We need to get a longer cord." That camera and you both, Seacrest.

I'm not offering any commentary on Kristin Chenoweth, as I'm about 85% positive that she is a gnome who will eventually haunt my dreams.

Anyway, onto notable moments of the show:

By "show" I'm not referring to the first hour and a half of the Oscars, where they handed out awards such as "Best Use of a Make-Up Brush" and "Sound Editing of Sounds Not Related to Explosions." I'm pretty sure those were two of the close races. Show producers should really give us an itinerary ahead of time. Perhaps with the all caps notes of "WATCH HERE FOR: ADELE" as that was really the most important part of the evening.

If you're wondering who the overall winner of the Oscars was, it was in fact, ADELE.

She added an Oscar to her awards collection. Meaning that so far, this season, she's won a Golden Globe, a Grammy, and an Oscar. She'll probably win the NBA Finals next.

One of my favorite moments of the night was when Sandra Bullock presented and made this face:

And then when J.Law won Best Actress (and no one was surprised, but her feet) and tripped walking up to the stage:

I enjoy that she took a moment to silently weep into the stairs after tripping. Only J.Law can play off tripping onto one of the biggest stages for actors. Good thing it wasn't in front of Meryl Streep or Sally Field. I hear they're considering letting her sit at their table.

Also, previously on the Red Carpet, when she was forced to tolerate Seacrest, he asked her if she ate something fatty prior to arriving. To which, she replied that she hadn't had time to eat and was hoping for free food inside, and then she made this expression, further proof that she is my spirit animal:

There were several performances stemmed from musical theater throughout the night, but none of them are worth mentioning except for Helena Bonham Carter during the "Les Miserables" number:

Aside from this shot, she sort stayed out of the spotlight of the performance, standing towards the back corner, like the nonchalant HBIC she is. Also, at one point, I swear, she was attempting to lip lyrics in that way when you're unsure of the words. You know, when you're just saying "Peas and Carrots" over and over, hoping that no one can tell you didn't rehearse. LIKE A BOSS.

Christoph Waltz won for Best Supporting Actor for "Django Unchained," and further cemented himself as one of my unexplainable crushes.

Seriously. I don't know what it is about this silver fox, but I think if I met him in person, I'd just giggle like a 13 year old girl while staring at the ground. Perhaps it's the pronunciation of his name in combination with his semi-accent. IT'S A MEDICAL MYSTERY, YA'LL.

Ben Affleck and "Argo" won for Best Picture, a well-deserved win for the Hooflack. 

He and Jennifer Garner continue to melt my heart like two puppies snuggling together under a blanket. They induce this involuntary "AW" reaction, which was in full form when he thanked her, but clarified that he does not associate her with Iran. Aw, precious. I hope my husband says that to me during our vows.

Other honorable mentions include Kristen Stewart continuing to fail at everything involving being a human and Jessica Chastain continuing her reign as Queen of the Gingers.

Not too shabby this year, I mean, aside from the first 90 minutes of the show. Biggest overall takeaways from the Oscars and this awards show season in general:

1. Ben Affleck has reclaimed my heart.

2. Anne Hathaway is still trying to top her role in "The Princess Diaries." Tough one.

3. Jennifer Lawrence should star in a movie with a soundtrack by Adele. They'd win absolutely everything.

4. Awards shows should stop taking away from their legitimacy by inviting people like Jessica Alba and Kristen Stewart to their prestigious events. Isn't there a screening process?

Lastly, in 2016, I'm voting for Michelle Obama and Meryl Streep for the White House. And Hillary Clinton. They'll win as the first trifecta-President-VP-HBIC. Success!

Shit Chloe Says

Me: "Bruno Mars is touring with Ellie Goulding!"

Chloe: "I love his music! Especially his new song, 'When I Was Your Man.'" 

Me: "Yes!"

Chloe: "It's what I imagine all my exes singing when they think about me."

Me: ...

Chloe: "I'm an egotistical bitch."

As a side note, Chloe's exes also sing "Teardrops on My Guitar" when thinking of her as well as "Big Booty Ho." Okay, I lied about some of that. They don't listen to Taylor Swift.

Thanks, Marina.

So I know a lot of people don't watch music videos anymore, but about 3/4 of the ones that are floating around feature lots of half-naked girls "dancing" and what not. I use quotes, as I'm unsure if what they're doing can be classified as dancing. More along the lines of pre-baby making, or actually, in some videos I think it may be actual baby making.

Thus, I present to you how a music video should be done.  The UK's Marina + The Diamonds (or well, I just call her Marina because we're friends like that) did this video for a pretty catchy song off her sophomore album.

It's like she read my mind and took every idea I had for a music video. The only thing missing is a shirtless Zefron scene. Though, to be fair, had she included that, I think the world would've imploded.

Enjoy!

What Did We Learn from the 2013 Grammy Awards?

Let me begin this post by correcting fools on every social media outlet (particularly Facebook) who were spelling "Grammys" as "Grammies." On music's biggest night, they were handing out trophies, not elderly women. Check yo'self.

As proved evident in all my previous "What Did We Learn" posts, Seacrest and Rancic never disappoint on their level of awkwardness and general failure as Red Carpet hosts. Thus, I won't go into too much detail regarding their shortcomings. Except for this gif of Lady Seacrest hitting T.Swift in the eye with his mic. Everyone wins!

To the show!

First off, I enjoy the drinking game that was invented where you drink everytime LL Cool J licks his lips. I was drunk by the end of his opening monologue. Are his lips that dry? Being that he's famous, can't he afford high quality moisturizer? I'll send him some Burt's Bees.

Adele won the first award of the night. For a song off an album that swept the Grammys last year. A song which she sang live. In other words, Adele could literally sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" in her shower, and it'd win for Best Pop Song. And Best R&B Song. And Best Folk Song. I'm also pretty sure she's nominated for three Espy Awards this year.

It was a big night for the group fun. Though I continue to be eluded by the fact that their lead singer looks like a cartoon character whose name I can't think of. And he continues to wear pants that are both too short for him ("flood" pants) and too tight. I was confused by his pants during their performance, as I was unsure if they were those compression running tights, or well, no that's what they were. Man-pris. And leggings. Manpri-leggings.

Pregnancy can occur via television, as was proved by Miguel's voice and Justin Timberlake in general. My clothes literally melted off my body when both of them sang. It was some sort of phenomenon. I also laughed when JT and Seacrest were on stage together. You could tell Seacrest was marveling at Justin, thinking to himself, "One day, I'll be a real boy!"

Faith Hill has braces. I won't make any jokes here because I know her pain. Also, someone tell Tim McGraw that leather cowboy hats are no longer in, and haven't been in since they were invented.

It was pretty thoughtful of Johnny Depp to make an appearance at the show. His pirate ship captain let him have some land liberty for the weekend to enjoy festivities. But, like Ariel from "The Little Mermaid," he had to return to the ship prior to midnight, otherwise all of those dirty handkerchiefs he wears would vanish into dust. Therefore taking away his pirate-status, AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

One of the most entertaining moments of the night was when Kelly Clarkson went up to accept her award. Girl was drunk as hell, don't act like you didn't see it. First she stumbled over to Katy Perry and John Mayer and said something to them, probably to the effect of, "Oh blargh blarh, ya'll are blargh still frazzle blargh." Then she hugged Miranda Lambert and their dresses got caught together. But, she went back stage, drank 2 pots of coffee and returned to give a flawless performance. Coffee works, ya'll!

ONE WORD: RI-RI. That's one word right? Like a compound word. Rihanna's voice has gotten so much better as compared to her "Pon de Replay" days. And she showed it off. Both figuratively and literally, as the dress she sported on the Red Carpet let us all see her Ri-Nipples. I'm surprised Seacrest didn't suffer an injury, since he stood eye-level to them during their interview. If it had been cold out, he most surely would've suffered a scratched cornea. I'm going to side-step her poor choices in the relationship department, but GIIIRL. Enough said.

Mumford & Sons took home the biggest prize of the evening, but more importantly, CAREY MULLIGAN! This moment was too presh. I literally said "AWW" out loud, as if I had just seen two puppies wearing sweaters, snuggling.

Prince is still fierce. He peacocked onto stage, presented the award, then essentially received credit for Gotye and Kimbra's success during their acceptance speech. That is how you do it. I especially liked how when he walked onto stage, he paused slightly, so as to let the lesser folk take all of his ferocity in.

So, LL Cool J closed the show. I'm guessing no one else was available. I felt sort of embarrassed by it. It was like watching your older uncle try to rap Jay-Z at your birthday party. Plus, he literally seemed to be holding the microphone in his mouth. Hands-free, ya'll!

Final Thoughts:
- I want to be a member of The Lumineers. Either the girl, because, did anyone even know there was a girl in The Lumineers? Didn't think so. Or, I'd want to be the guy who "plays" the tambourine and only says "HO!" during their song. I could do either of these jobs with ease.
- There were far too many shots of T.Swift dancing. Ain't nobody got time for that.
- Next year, Adele will return and win every single award.

Hope everyone enjoyed the show! Katy Perry's huge set of...jewelry thanks you for your attention.

What Did We Learn from the 2013 SAG Awards?

1.  Jennifer Lawrence continues to dominate awards show season. 

Seriously, if there was a varsity letter for winning awards, J.Law would’ve lettered a Meryl Streep amount of times by now. Plus, she tripped all over herself getting up to accept the award and made this gesture pictured above during her speech. Well played.  I would do the same, except trip, fall out of my dress onto Zac Efron, then stumble onto stage. Like a boss.

2.  Ben Affleck continues to woo my heart.

Let me again note that he and Jennifer Garner win for Prom King and Queen of the SAG awards (they previously won for the Golden Globes too). Literally every time the camera showed them, I said “AWWW” out loud. I even accept that scruffy-mountain-man beard he’s got going on. It’s like he’s a rugged Boston lumberjack. I’d make an inappropriate joke here about cutting down trees or deflowering or something, but I want to keep it PG-rated.

3.  Downton Abbey should win at least one award at every show.

I only recently found out that this show is called “DOWTON Abbey” and not “DOWNTOWN Abbey.” Doesn’t Downtown Abbey sound more normal? Like, “Oh, where are you going?”  “To downtown Abbey.” And when I present this rational chain of thought, I most often receive this as a reply: “Uh, but it’s Downton Abbey.” THAT IS NOT A REASON. Anyway, to my point. The woman who accepted the award for the cast had the most brilliant accent ever. Kind of like a cross between Oliver Twist and Madonna (when she’s British). We should let them accept an award at every show.

4.  The quality of a show increases fifty-fold when you don’t show shots of Jessica Alba or J.Lo’s current boy toy. 

I appreciate the SAGs (can I call them that?) weeding out the Z-listers.  Sorry bout it JAlba (she does not garner the accolades associated with a period after her first initial), but you are a Z-lister. I like to remind people every once in a while that she did that movie "Honey." I laugh just thinking about it. And do we really need to see what unknown-K.Fed J.Lo is dating this week? Thank you SAGs, for keeping it classy. I'm not featuring a photo here as that would totally oppose all of my beliefs. 

5.  Julianna Margulies haunts my dreams, slash, is a ghost.

So I don’t watch that show “The Good Wife,” so I’m not privved to Julianna Margulies face on a regular basis. Seeing her present at the SAGs was the first time I’ve seen her in a while (we’re not on a BFF basis). And dear God, what happened to her face? She was on screen for a solid 2 minutes and I swear, SHE DID NOT BLINK ONCE. I think she got her eyes botoxed. And I don’t mean like, the skin around her eyes, I mean her actual eyeballs. Because, everyone knows eyeballs show your true age. Aint nobody got time for back of the eyeball wrinkles! Also, I'm pretty sure that ponytail was what was holding everything together. Later on in the night, Daniel Day Lewis accidentally bumped into her, unraveling her hair. Her face immediately melted off.

As a sidenote, Nicole Kidman continues to be a fembot.

6.  Julianne Moore has boobs.

Let’s reference the photo.  I was absolutely positive that one or both of her boobs was going to make a guest appearance at some point. This photo actually does her justice, as she is not moving. When she walked onto stage to accept her award, you'd swear there was a breeze just blowing the material around her boobs around. She also kind of reminds me of those moms who try to stay "hip" by dressing really inappropriately in public places. "Hey Jonie, isn't that your Mom? That lady over there? With the boob hanging out of her mesh tank top?"

 7.  Sally Fields looks good, ya’ll!

Because of this, Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren are thinking about letting her sit with them again. Sally was banished after wearing sweatpants twice in one week back in 2009.

8.  I still feel immediately repulsed by the show being called the “SAG” awards.  

Let's face it, nothing good is associated with the word sag.

How I Know I'm Getting Old

Now that I'm well into the year of my quarter century age, I find it increasingly apparent that I'm not exactly a spring chicken.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not creaking around on a Hover-Round or wearing orthopedic shoes, but, you get the picture.  I've decided to compile a short list of things that I realize bother me most about today's youngsters:

1.  Teens at the Mall
Okay, first off, teen boys need to stop wearing their 5-year-old sister's jeans. It's just flat out wrong. Back in my day, baggy pants were the "thing."  Something I'm still baffled by, as they made guys legs look dwarf-sized, and made them waddle around like a penguin.  These "skinny jeans," as they call them, should really only be worn by the professionals.  And by "professionals" I mean male gymnasts.  No one else should be wearing jeans that show every line of a guy's leg.  Unnecessary.  Unless you're Zac Efron, in which case, no pants are completely acceptable.

Secondly, when did pre-teen girls start doing their make-up like 22 year old cocktail waitresses/exotic dancers? From what I remember from middle school (memories which are cloudy due to my furry eyebrows that partially blocked my vision), girls wore eyeliner and lipgloss. Those were the mainstays. I literally don't remember any girls caking foundation and eye shadow on. Now, we wore the big hoops (or "Ho-Hoops" as they were nick-named), because they were the multi-taskers of jewelry, easily transformable from earrings to bracelets!  Convenience.

This actually reminds me of a time when a friend and I walked past two OBVIOUS pre-teens, maybe 13, both wearing Uggs (cringe), apparel most likely from Hollister or some other dark-overpriced "California" store, and both were carrying a Starbucks cup.  I'M SORRY, WHAT.  WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?

2.  Rap music that repeats the same lyrics/only mentions "ass" and "titties"
Let me note, I'm a fan of rap music -- I'm all about some Drake or Lil' Wayne.  However, some of these new young lads are coming out with singles that are purely about, well, I have no idea what they're about.  I mean, I don't know about you, but know I love to hear a guy talk refer to me by specific body parts, or use the pronoun "bitch" every other second.  It's just so romantic! Said no one ever.

Also, I know Lloyd Banks has other songs and what not, but all I can think about when I hear his name is that song "Beamer, Benz, Bentley."  If you haven't heard it, don't waste your time.  I'm going to summarize it for you: "Beamer, Benz, or Bentley.  Beamer, Benz, or Bentley."  Now just repeat that 112 times, and BAM, it's a hit!

I find that when I hear these songs blasting from someone's Honda Civic, I actually make that frowny face that you see old people make at any loud noise.

3.  Kids complaining about high school "work"
Oh, you have to write a 2 page, DOUBLE-SPACED, paper on your favorite Care Bear?  I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU.  I'm sure no one writes papers on care bears, but who knows, I'm not in-tune with today's youth.  Stop complaining, and let me give you a hint that will benefit you for the rest of your academic life:  Size 16 font for every period on your paper.  BAM!  I just changed your life.

4.  Kids not respecting good music
Last summer I found out that my nephew (who's 15) does not "really like" the Beatles nor find their music that great.  He doesn't see what the "big deal about them" is.  I. NO. WORDS.  LITERALLY CANNOT SAY ANYTHING.  You understand where I'm coming from.

I think the fact that I referred to young people as "kids" in this post always gives hint to my aging demeanor.  As does the fact that I said "young people." As does the fact that yesterday while I was at the mall, I was trying on a jacket and an older woman told me "That looks great on you!"  Point here being that I was obviously shopping in the same section as an elderly woman.

Hip grannies unite!

What Did We Learn from the 2013 Golden Globes?

Well, the Globes have come and gone.  I thoroughly enjoyed them this year, even though the network once again ignored my request for a shirtless Zac Efron to present every award.  There's always 2014.  Anyway, here we go!

Let's recap with lessons learned, beginning with E!'s Red Carpet coverage:

- First off, we learned that Giuliana Rancic is a vampire from the 1800s, who most likely runs a brothel. I'm not even going to show you the bottom of this dress, just focus on top.  Though, don't stare too long, or she'll materialize in your bedroom and suck your blood.

-Secondly, Lady Seacrest and his "girlfriend" (read: BEARD) came with matching updos.  Do you think they used the same mousse?  Probably not.  I hear Seacrest is extra picky with his hair.  As a side note Megan Fox sarcastically (or well, I choose to believe she was being sarcastic) told him "I like your hair.":

General Seacrest Observations:

• Said "Can we see your feet? We don't want to miss this opportunity" to Amy Adams. Cross that off the bucket list!
• He should never say the word "sex." It's like seeing an elephant try to walk a tightrope.
• Seeing men like Ben Affleck stand next to him shows us the wide spectrum of manliness.
• He spoke so vividly with his hands, it made Bradley Cooper uncomfortable.

- Thirdly, I wish there was a way E! could hire me as the Glam Cam.  You know, the camera that gets to pan up and down at the outfit choice of whoever is being interviewed by one of the many E! failbots. They should put the camera inside some sunglasses, so when Hugh Dancy (Claire Danes fine ass husband) approaches, I can creepily scan him up and down.  But for "work" purposes, of course.

Onto the Show!

Someone call the unicorn police, TAY TAY LOST.  To the Meryl Streep of the music world, Adele.  Did Tay-Tay actually think her Hunger Games whine would beat the bitch slap vocals of Queen Adele? Anyway, this was her reaction.  I laughed for a good 10 minutes.  Yes, I'm a bully.

Jennifer Lawrence, or J.Law as we call her, is absolutely FLAWLESS.  She wore this ridic Dior gown that was one of my top 3 of the evening, and refused to shake Seacrest's hand because she's "sick." Whether she actually was or not, who cares, she refused Seacrest on live TV, and for that, I am forever grateful.  Also, she beat Meryl Streep AND Helen Mirren for Best Actress.  ULTIMATE LIFE GOAL, ACHIEVED.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are the Prom King and Queen of the Golden Globes/LIFE.  First off, he is looking really smoking hot lately, I mean, scolding fire hot.  And secondly, she was the first celebrity BFF I sent a bracelet to (which she accepted via a restraining order, just kidding! I think) because she is a badass, but a badass who you can picture has a garden and brings sliced oranges to her kids' soccer games.  Anyway, they are almost too cute to handle.  Put a wiener dog in a giraffe costume in his arm, and I think I might actually die.  Sidenote, let us appreciate the girl in the back right cheesing for the paparazzi.  WIN!

I should get partial credit for Anne Hathaway's win, as I ate all of that food she wasn't eating, when she was losing all of that weight for "Les Miserables."  SUCH a good person.

Apparently everybody loves HBO's "Girls," which I accept/support.  In her speech, Lena Dunham thanked Chad Lowe, because she had always promised herself she would.  Love it.  I'd thank Zac Efron, just prior to ripping my dress off and attacking his face with my face.  That's how to start a relationship, right?

Major lesson:  Apparently, there are no standards or pre-requisites in order to be invited to the Golden Globes, as is proved evident in the fact that J.Alba was not only allowed to attend, but they actually let her present an award!  I could produce an entire blog full of jokes, so I'll stop here.

Let me note, I love "Homeland."  But, I'm pretty sure Claire Danes won by hypnotizing/brain-washing the Hollywood Foreign Press Association with her crazy-non-blinking eyes.  During her speech, I felt both frightened and motivated to buy every season of "My So-Called Life." 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler should host every televised event that will ever occur.  And they should feature one drunk HBIC (i.e. Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep) per event.

And let's wrap things up with drunk Glenn Close, because drunken HBIC Queens rule the universe:

Cheers to awards show season!  I'm off to catch the flu because I heard Meryl Streep has it.