What Did We Learn from the 2013 MTV VMAs?

The MTV Video Music Awards were held last night, and if you watched, you know there were many lessons to be learned. Let me begin by stating that MTV should really rename the show to the "Music Awards," because let's be honest, music videos aren't really the deciding factor. To the lessons!

1.  MTV's Red Carpet hosts might be more horrible than E!'s hosts.
Sway began the show by telling 2 Chainz, "You're not in jail! Alright man, I thought you'd be in jail." I mean, if that's not awesome interviewing skills, I don't know what is. Plus, does Sway take some sort of pill prior to hitting the Red Carpet that causes his speech to slow down? It was like watching someone speak in slow motion. Like he had peanut butter in his mouth, thus causing him to talk slowly.

2.  You should also keep disinfectant nearby. Television waves transport a lot.
I'm looking at you Miley. Dear God. I don't even know what to say here. I felt more embarrassed for her than that time I slipped and fell in front of a busload of classmates while carrying my flute to the band room. And that's saying a lot. I actually cringed during the entire performance. What was with the tongue thing? Did she take PCP? She looked like a cat trying to gag up a hairball. And then, when you thought the pain was over, she stayed on stage to "twerk" on Robin Thicke. I use quotation marks as I don't call bending over in front of someone while biting your finger as dancing.

RiRi does not care for your fuckery.

Nonetheless, following the performance, I bleached everything and showered in Lysol. Just to ensure I didn't catch Mileyhrrea.

Also, there is only one Queen of the VMA-"I'm grown up now" performance:

3.  Selena needs new friends.
"Come and Get It" is STILL my jam. I'm not even ashamed. Selena Gomez, or Selenita as we call her, is really coming into her own. Maybe due to that lesbian phase she went through with that Bieber girl? Either way, she needs to continue to trim the weak links in her life. I'm looking at you Taylor Swift. Which, by the way, I never fell for T.Swift's innocent baby lamb deal. I know she's a Regina George and only wants to ruin people's lives.

And why did they show her awkward dancing so much? If I want to see a baby giraffe trying to scratch its neck with its mouth, I'll go to the zoo. Not an awards show.

Sit down Taylor, we can't see Ellie.

4.  Gaga's still got it.
Four outfit changes. A bomb new song. And she wore this the ENTIRE show (and apparently did lunges):

Shell bikini's are in, y'all!

5.  Bruno Mars was trying to impregnate everyone.
Thank goodness I'm on birth control. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure all of his hip thrusting would've somehow formed a baby. In fact, shortly after the show, Ryan Seacrest found out she was pregnant. That Lady Seacrest, so fertile.

6. Justin is the Beyonce. JC is the Kelly. And the other ones are the Michelle.
NSYNC REUNION! Blink and you missed it, though. In all fairness, Joey Fatone could probably only dance on stage for like 20 seconds before passing out, so the short-lived reunion made sense. It was like the Beyonce Super Bowl performance, but imagine Kelly and Michelle being in lights that made it hard to see them. With "mics" made of carrots. Also, I felt sad for JC at the end, when Justin had CLEARLY let them know that their time had come and gone, yet he felt the need to randomly belt out notes. Poor guy. Apparently being a judge on "America's Best Dance Crew" isn't as fulfilling as it sounds.

The "Bye Bye Bye" fist pump is always acceptable.

7.  The Justin Timberlake concert in the middle of the VMAs saved the show. Somewhat.

I mean, there's only so much you can salvage after Miley drops a major deuce on the show. Other "artists" should take note. Justin showed us how to sing live, falsetto at times, AND dance at the same time (cough, Chris Brown). And goodness gracious that man knows how to wear a suit. He must've majored in suit wearing, that's the only explanation. It's too bad all of this is a complete waste on the lamp he's married to, Jessica Biel. Thankfully, he left her at home. Because she's allergic to fun.

8.  Kanye West takes himself very seriously.

I find this to be exceptionally hilarious because honestly, after you've appeared on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," all credibility is lost. I love how he continues to think he's a serious "artist" though. I mean, I too can buy the T-Pain App and make my voice sound like that. I suppose if I do that in conjunction with dancing in front of woodsy art, I'm suddenly "successful." I won't say too much because I don't want his fan club to sent me hate mail. Which, in case you didn't know, his fan club is run by him. And consists of him. And 100-200 cardboard cutouts of him.

...AND THE BIGGEST LESSON OF THE NIGHT:

PRAYER WORKS, Y'ALL:

I always knew that remaining the last fan on the planet who held out hope for a Danity Kane reunion would pay off. While I give God the credit on this one, I certainly had the assist. However, if Diddy somehow manages to tarnish this reunion in any way, I will find him, and punch his sunglasses. Follow up post on my reaction to this to follow. I'm trying to avoid using too much caps lock.

Deep Thoughts on ... Dirty Ghosts

All of the hype surrounding the latest horror flick, "The Conjouring," has reminded me of something that continually bothers me. Why are the ghosts/spirits/whatever they are in these films always so dirty? It's like they competed in a Tough Mudder before creeping through your stairwell.

Even worse, why are the lady ghosts always wearing doily dresses from the Civil War? I mean, even ghosts that aren't from that era. I suppose the stores they have to choose from are pretty limited. Maybe the only apparel for women at the ghost store is old timey dresses, as I suppose that would literally be the fashion graveyard. Ha. Fashion Graveyard. That's probably the name of the store.

Anyway, so they always show up, probably right after the family has JUST moved in. So, the carpets are all clean and everything is just starting to be put in its place. And this dirty ass ghost wearing outdated fashions shows up to drag itself all over the off-white carpets. RUDE.

Why don't these movies ever feature a well-dressed, cleaned-up ghost? I mean, its a ghost. It can walk through walls. Including the walls of H&M and probably of a shower. Would it be too much to ask for them to use some body wash, maybe brush the worms off their teeth, and put on a nice summer dress from J.Crew?

These movie producers should really branch out.

Also, obviously not including any pics or movie promos here, as most horror movie trailers scare the shit out of me. Literally. And that's just messy. Instead, I leave you with this semi-related gif:

Shit Chloe Says

Apologies for the lack of posts lately. But, what better way to get back into the groove of things than a #shitchloesays?

This particular gem occurred while Chloe enjoyed an episode of "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives":

Chloe: "Omg, turn on Triple D."
Me: "Mmm, they're making sandwiches."
Chloe: "Cured meats. My krypton, it's."

MY KRYPTON, IT'S. Yes, she speaks like Yoda from time to time.

Things I Wish I Knew in Middle School

Middle school seems to be those elusive years that everyone can relate to in the same way.  And by "same way" I mean we were all ugly and socially awkward. But, now that I'm essentially that wise owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials, I have the knowledge necessary to educate middle school me.  Here's some lessons that would've been nice to know:

1.  Eyebrow waxing is completely fine.
Yes, middle-school Kristi, waxing through those bushy penguin eyebrows is completely fine. You will survive. They won't wax off your eye, or your hairline, or your ear. Nope, they stick right to the eyebrows. Don't wait to have this done at the end of your 8th grade year. No, no, do it as soon as those hedges start growing in. Your vision won't be as compromised, and you'll appreciate photos later.

As a note, I remember thinking after the first time I got my eyebrows waxed, "Do I look weird? I think I'm going to let them grow back in." I'M NOT LYING. Above is my school photo from 8th grade for proof.

2.  Baggy shirts "half-tucked" into jeans/shorts are not fashionable.

3.  "Skate shoes" are not cool if you don't need them for their actual purpose.

Maybe this was just at my school, but everyone wanted Etnies, or DC, or Osiris shoes. Forget the brand name, the majority of them looked the same, complete with a hugely overstuffed tongue and untied laces. Which, now that I think about it, seems really unsafe for skateboarding. I don't quite know what the deal was with them, as these shoes weren't as univeral as I would says Vans are.

4.  Middle School "relationships" do not count.
Don't even lie, you and your friends kept a count of how many "boyfriends" you had. Back in my day, relationships began like this:

--Sally tells her best friend Jenny that she likes Ben.
--Jenny talks to Ben's best friend Jason about Sally liking Ben, but she tells Jason NOT to tell Ben.
--Jason of course tells Ben.
--Ben decides if it's in his best social interest to have a girlfriend. This decision is reached by asking himself, "Does Sally have skate shoes?"
--Ben decides he likes Sally too, based solely on the notion that she likes him. He tells Jason.
--Jason tells Jenny (Sally's best friend, KEEP UP). But tell hers not to tell Sally. And also tells her that he just happened to find out.
--Jenny of course tells Sally.
--Sally and Ben then awkwardly exchange flirtations until Ben asks Sally out through Ben who asks through Jenny via smoke signals.

TRUE ROMANCE, YA'LL. Be grateful that I summarized in that short paragraph. I'm pretty sure scientific studies have been done on this middle school ritual.

5.  Writing notes and folding them in intricate ways is the only skill you need to master.
I distinctly remember my friends and I making up nick-names for our "crushes" (Oh God, please judge me for just saying that) in the case that someone else found our notes. Which, even if someone did find our notes, they would spend 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the pandora's-box-folded note, that the content wouldn't even be worth it.

Notes were also a very important part of every middle school relationship. WHAT, YOUR "BOYFRIEND" DIDN'T WRITE YOU A NOTE BETWEEN THE PASSING PERIOD AND THE CURRENT CLASS YOU'RE IN. WITH HIM? Better break it off.

6.  Don't buy a flute.
Oh, big surprise, I was in band. On the first day of class in 7th grade, we were asked what instrument we wanted to play. I chose the flute because it could easily fit in my locker (a regular Einstein, I tell ya). I continued on to Advanced Band in 8th grade, THAT'S RIGHT, ADVANCED. Don't even act like you're not impressed. At this point, I was a regular Ron Burgundy-Jazz Flutist, and figured I needed my own instrument. I did quite a bit of researching (via modem back then) and begged my parents for one, but never got one.

Let me just say, this was another instance where my parents decision was pretty on point. Let's just say 8th grade was the peak of my flutist days. I guess classical music will never know the beautiful stylings of my woodwind abilities (stop thinking of inappropriate jokes).

7.  Don't stress anything academically. 
Literally, the only thing I remember from middle school is that my Math teacher's name was "Marcia Garcia," to which I made a song about that went like this: "Marsha Garsha! Mar-see-uh Gar-see-uh!" I felt the need to spell out the pronunciation so you could see how witty I was.

And there you have it. I'm going to print this out now and send it to middle school me via the mailbox from that Sandra Bullock movie "The Lake House."

Shit Chloe Says

She's really pumping out some quality quotes.

"We should think of a gang sign for our group! That way, if we get plastic surgery, we'll have a way to recognize each other."

What Did We Learn from the 2013 Oscars?

THE PROM OF AWARDS SHOW SEASON, YA'LL! Let me start this post off by stating that I watched half of the Red Carpet show on E! prior to them being kicked off the carpet. I'm assuming partially due to Seacrest's face and general idiocy breaking their cameras. Either way, I watched the last half on ABC, which, for unexplainable reasons, allowed Kristin Chenoweth to screech her way through several interviews.

So, just a few pre-show notes:

Kelly Osbourne has only two statements prepared for critiquing dresses on the Red Carpet:
(1) "OH MY GOD. SHE IS GORGEOUS. I AM OBSESSED."
(2) "SHE LOOKS STUNNING. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL."
As you can tell, she's quite well spoken. And caps lock doesn't do her justice, as she literally was exclaiming both of those comments. E! picks some winners, I'm telling you.

E! stayed on air long enough for them to completely fail the Princess of Awards Show Season, Jennifer Lawrence, when she did the following:

WHAT, J.LAW AND EMMA STONE, BEST FRANDS? That's right folks. However, apparently the camera wasn't working, or as Seacrest fumbled, "We need to get a longer cord." That camera and you both, Seacrest.

I'm not offering any commentary on Kristin Chenoweth, as I'm about 85% positive that she is a gnome who will eventually haunt my dreams.

Anyway, onto notable moments of the show:

By "show" I'm not referring to the first hour and a half of the Oscars, where they handed out awards such as "Best Use of a Make-Up Brush" and "Sound Editing of Sounds Not Related to Explosions." I'm pretty sure those were two of the close races. Show producers should really give us an itinerary ahead of time. Perhaps with the all caps notes of "WATCH HERE FOR: ADELE" as that was really the most important part of the evening.

If you're wondering who the overall winner of the Oscars was, it was in fact, ADELE.

She added an Oscar to her awards collection. Meaning that so far, this season, she's won a Golden Globe, a Grammy, and an Oscar. She'll probably win the NBA Finals next.

One of my favorite moments of the night was when Sandra Bullock presented and made this face:

And then when J.Law won Best Actress (and no one was surprised, but her feet) and tripped walking up to the stage:

I enjoy that she took a moment to silently weep into the stairs after tripping. Only J.Law can play off tripping onto one of the biggest stages for actors. Good thing it wasn't in front of Meryl Streep or Sally Field. I hear they're considering letting her sit at their table.

Also, previously on the Red Carpet, when she was forced to tolerate Seacrest, he asked her if she ate something fatty prior to arriving. To which, she replied that she hadn't had time to eat and was hoping for free food inside, and then she made this expression, further proof that she is my spirit animal:

There were several performances stemmed from musical theater throughout the night, but none of them are worth mentioning except for Helena Bonham Carter during the "Les Miserables" number:

Aside from this shot, she sort stayed out of the spotlight of the performance, standing towards the back corner, like the nonchalant HBIC she is. Also, at one point, I swear, she was attempting to lip lyrics in that way when you're unsure of the words. You know, when you're just saying "Peas and Carrots" over and over, hoping that no one can tell you didn't rehearse. LIKE A BOSS.

Christoph Waltz won for Best Supporting Actor for "Django Unchained," and further cemented himself as one of my unexplainable crushes.

Seriously. I don't know what it is about this silver fox, but I think if I met him in person, I'd just giggle like a 13 year old girl while staring at the ground. Perhaps it's the pronunciation of his name in combination with his semi-accent. IT'S A MEDICAL MYSTERY, YA'LL.

Ben Affleck and "Argo" won for Best Picture, a well-deserved win for the Hooflack. 

He and Jennifer Garner continue to melt my heart like two puppies snuggling together under a blanket. They induce this involuntary "AW" reaction, which was in full form when he thanked her, but clarified that he does not associate her with Iran. Aw, precious. I hope my husband says that to me during our vows.

Other honorable mentions include Kristen Stewart continuing to fail at everything involving being a human and Jessica Chastain continuing her reign as Queen of the Gingers.

Not too shabby this year, I mean, aside from the first 90 minutes of the show. Biggest overall takeaways from the Oscars and this awards show season in general:

1. Ben Affleck has reclaimed my heart.

2. Anne Hathaway is still trying to top her role in "The Princess Diaries." Tough one.

3. Jennifer Lawrence should star in a movie with a soundtrack by Adele. They'd win absolutely everything.

4. Awards shows should stop taking away from their legitimacy by inviting people like Jessica Alba and Kristen Stewart to their prestigious events. Isn't there a screening process?

Lastly, in 2016, I'm voting for Michelle Obama and Meryl Streep for the White House. And Hillary Clinton. They'll win as the first trifecta-President-VP-HBIC. Success!

Shit Chloe Says

Me: "Bruno Mars is touring with Ellie Goulding!"

Chloe: "I love his music! Especially his new song, 'When I Was Your Man.'" 

Me: "Yes!"

Chloe: "It's what I imagine all my exes singing when they think about me."

Me: ...

Chloe: "I'm an egotistical bitch."

As a side note, Chloe's exes also sing "Teardrops on My Guitar" when thinking of her as well as "Big Booty Ho." Okay, I lied about some of that. They don't listen to Taylor Swift.