What Did We Learn from the 2013 MTV VMAs?

The MTV Video Music Awards were held last night, and if you watched, you know there were many lessons to be learned. Let me begin by stating that MTV should really rename the show to the "Music Awards," because let's be honest, music videos aren't really the deciding factor. To the lessons!

1.  MTV's Red Carpet hosts might be more horrible than E!'s hosts.
Sway began the show by telling 2 Chainz, "You're not in jail! Alright man, I thought you'd be in jail." I mean, if that's not awesome interviewing skills, I don't know what is. Plus, does Sway take some sort of pill prior to hitting the Red Carpet that causes his speech to slow down? It was like watching someone speak in slow motion. Like he had peanut butter in his mouth, thus causing him to talk slowly.

2.  You should also keep disinfectant nearby. Television waves transport a lot.
I'm looking at you Miley. Dear God. I don't even know what to say here. I felt more embarrassed for her than that time I slipped and fell in front of a busload of classmates while carrying my flute to the band room. And that's saying a lot. I actually cringed during the entire performance. What was with the tongue thing? Did she take PCP? She looked like a cat trying to gag up a hairball. And then, when you thought the pain was over, she stayed on stage to "twerk" on Robin Thicke. I use quotation marks as I don't call bending over in front of someone while biting your finger as dancing.

RiRi does not care for your fuckery.

Nonetheless, following the performance, I bleached everything and showered in Lysol. Just to ensure I didn't catch Mileyhrrea.

Also, there is only one Queen of the VMA-"I'm grown up now" performance:

3.  Selena needs new friends.
"Come and Get It" is STILL my jam. I'm not even ashamed. Selena Gomez, or Selenita as we call her, is really coming into her own. Maybe due to that lesbian phase she went through with that Bieber girl? Either way, she needs to continue to trim the weak links in her life. I'm looking at you Taylor Swift. Which, by the way, I never fell for T.Swift's innocent baby lamb deal. I know she's a Regina George and only wants to ruin people's lives.

And why did they show her awkward dancing so much? If I want to see a baby giraffe trying to scratch its neck with its mouth, I'll go to the zoo. Not an awards show.

Sit down Taylor, we can't see Ellie.

4.  Gaga's still got it.
Four outfit changes. A bomb new song. And she wore this the ENTIRE show (and apparently did lunges):

Shell bikini's are in, y'all!

5.  Bruno Mars was trying to impregnate everyone.
Thank goodness I'm on birth control. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure all of his hip thrusting would've somehow formed a baby. In fact, shortly after the show, Ryan Seacrest found out she was pregnant. That Lady Seacrest, so fertile.

6. Justin is the Beyonce. JC is the Kelly. And the other ones are the Michelle.
NSYNC REUNION! Blink and you missed it, though. In all fairness, Joey Fatone could probably only dance on stage for like 20 seconds before passing out, so the short-lived reunion made sense. It was like the Beyonce Super Bowl performance, but imagine Kelly and Michelle being in lights that made it hard to see them. With "mics" made of carrots. Also, I felt sad for JC at the end, when Justin had CLEARLY let them know that their time had come and gone, yet he felt the need to randomly belt out notes. Poor guy. Apparently being a judge on "America's Best Dance Crew" isn't as fulfilling as it sounds.

The "Bye Bye Bye" fist pump is always acceptable.

7.  The Justin Timberlake concert in the middle of the VMAs saved the show. Somewhat.

I mean, there's only so much you can salvage after Miley drops a major deuce on the show. Other "artists" should take note. Justin showed us how to sing live, falsetto at times, AND dance at the same time (cough, Chris Brown). And goodness gracious that man knows how to wear a suit. He must've majored in suit wearing, that's the only explanation. It's too bad all of this is a complete waste on the lamp he's married to, Jessica Biel. Thankfully, he left her at home. Because she's allergic to fun.

8.  Kanye West takes himself very seriously.

I find this to be exceptionally hilarious because honestly, after you've appeared on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," all credibility is lost. I love how he continues to think he's a serious "artist" though. I mean, I too can buy the T-Pain App and make my voice sound like that. I suppose if I do that in conjunction with dancing in front of woodsy art, I'm suddenly "successful." I won't say too much because I don't want his fan club to sent me hate mail. Which, in case you didn't know, his fan club is run by him. And consists of him. And 100-200 cardboard cutouts of him.

...AND THE BIGGEST LESSON OF THE NIGHT:

PRAYER WORKS, Y'ALL:

I always knew that remaining the last fan on the planet who held out hope for a Danity Kane reunion would pay off. While I give God the credit on this one, I certainly had the assist. However, if Diddy somehow manages to tarnish this reunion in any way, I will find him, and punch his sunglasses. Follow up post on my reaction to this to follow. I'm trying to avoid using too much caps lock.

Deep Thoughts on ... Dirty Ghosts

All of the hype surrounding the latest horror flick, "The Conjouring," has reminded me of something that continually bothers me. Why are the ghosts/spirits/whatever they are in these films always so dirty? It's like they competed in a Tough Mudder before creeping through your stairwell.

Even worse, why are the lady ghosts always wearing doily dresses from the Civil War? I mean, even ghosts that aren't from that era. I suppose the stores they have to choose from are pretty limited. Maybe the only apparel for women at the ghost store is old timey dresses, as I suppose that would literally be the fashion graveyard. Ha. Fashion Graveyard. That's probably the name of the store.

Anyway, so they always show up, probably right after the family has JUST moved in. So, the carpets are all clean and everything is just starting to be put in its place. And this dirty ass ghost wearing outdated fashions shows up to drag itself all over the off-white carpets. RUDE.

Why don't these movies ever feature a well-dressed, cleaned-up ghost? I mean, its a ghost. It can walk through walls. Including the walls of H&M and probably of a shower. Would it be too much to ask for them to use some body wash, maybe brush the worms off their teeth, and put on a nice summer dress from J.Crew?

These movie producers should really branch out.

Also, obviously not including any pics or movie promos here, as most horror movie trailers scare the shit out of me. Literally. And that's just messy. Instead, I leave you with this semi-related gif:

Shit Chloe Says

Apologies for the lack of posts lately. But, what better way to get back into the groove of things than a #shitchloesays?

This particular gem occurred while Chloe enjoyed an episode of "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives":

Chloe: "Omg, turn on Triple D."
Me: "Mmm, they're making sandwiches."
Chloe: "Cured meats. My krypton, it's."

MY KRYPTON, IT'S. Yes, she speaks like Yoda from time to time.

Things I Wish I Knew in Middle School

Middle school seems to be those elusive years that everyone can relate to in the same way.  And by "same way" I mean we were all ugly and socially awkward. But, now that I'm essentially that wise owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials, I have the knowledge necessary to educate middle school me.  Here's some lessons that would've been nice to know:

1.  Eyebrow waxing is completely fine.
Yes, middle-school Kristi, waxing through those bushy penguin eyebrows is completely fine. You will survive. They won't wax off your eye, or your hairline, or your ear. Nope, they stick right to the eyebrows. Don't wait to have this done at the end of your 8th grade year. No, no, do it as soon as those hedges start growing in. Your vision won't be as compromised, and you'll appreciate photos later.

As a note, I remember thinking after the first time I got my eyebrows waxed, "Do I look weird? I think I'm going to let them grow back in." I'M NOT LYING. Above is my school photo from 8th grade for proof.

2.  Baggy shirts "half-tucked" into jeans/shorts are not fashionable.

3.  "Skate shoes" are not cool if you don't need them for their actual purpose.

Maybe this was just at my school, but everyone wanted Etnies, or DC, or Osiris shoes. Forget the brand name, the majority of them looked the same, complete with a hugely overstuffed tongue and untied laces. Which, now that I think about it, seems really unsafe for skateboarding. I don't quite know what the deal was with them, as these shoes weren't as univeral as I would says Vans are.

4.  Middle School "relationships" do not count.
Don't even lie, you and your friends kept a count of how many "boyfriends" you had. Back in my day, relationships began like this:

--Sally tells her best friend Jenny that she likes Ben.
--Jenny talks to Ben's best friend Jason about Sally liking Ben, but she tells Jason NOT to tell Ben.
--Jason of course tells Ben.
--Ben decides if it's in his best social interest to have a girlfriend. This decision is reached by asking himself, "Does Sally have skate shoes?"
--Ben decides he likes Sally too, based solely on the notion that she likes him. He tells Jason.
--Jason tells Jenny (Sally's best friend, KEEP UP). But tell hers not to tell Sally. And also tells her that he just happened to find out.
--Jenny of course tells Sally.
--Sally and Ben then awkwardly exchange flirtations until Ben asks Sally out through Ben who asks through Jenny via smoke signals.

TRUE ROMANCE, YA'LL. Be grateful that I summarized in that short paragraph. I'm pretty sure scientific studies have been done on this middle school ritual.

5.  Writing notes and folding them in intricate ways is the only skill you need to master.
I distinctly remember my friends and I making up nick-names for our "crushes" (Oh God, please judge me for just saying that) in the case that someone else found our notes. Which, even if someone did find our notes, they would spend 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the pandora's-box-folded note, that the content wouldn't even be worth it.

Notes were also a very important part of every middle school relationship. WHAT, YOUR "BOYFRIEND" DIDN'T WRITE YOU A NOTE BETWEEN THE PASSING PERIOD AND THE CURRENT CLASS YOU'RE IN. WITH HIM? Better break it off.

6.  Don't buy a flute.
Oh, big surprise, I was in band. On the first day of class in 7th grade, we were asked what instrument we wanted to play. I chose the flute because it could easily fit in my locker (a regular Einstein, I tell ya). I continued on to Advanced Band in 8th grade, THAT'S RIGHT, ADVANCED. Don't even act like you're not impressed. At this point, I was a regular Ron Burgundy-Jazz Flutist, and figured I needed my own instrument. I did quite a bit of researching (via modem back then) and begged my parents for one, but never got one.

Let me just say, this was another instance where my parents decision was pretty on point. Let's just say 8th grade was the peak of my flutist days. I guess classical music will never know the beautiful stylings of my woodwind abilities (stop thinking of inappropriate jokes).

7.  Don't stress anything academically. 
Literally, the only thing I remember from middle school is that my Math teacher's name was "Marcia Garcia," to which I made a song about that went like this: "Marsha Garsha! Mar-see-uh Gar-see-uh!" I felt the need to spell out the pronunciation so you could see how witty I was.

And there you have it. I'm going to print this out now and send it to middle school me via the mailbox from that Sandra Bullock movie "The Lake House."

Shit Chloe Says

She's really pumping out some quality quotes.

"We should think of a gang sign for our group! That way, if we get plastic surgery, we'll have a way to recognize each other."

What Did We Learn from the 2013 Oscars?

THE PROM OF AWARDS SHOW SEASON, YA'LL! Let me start this post off by stating that I watched half of the Red Carpet show on E! prior to them being kicked off the carpet. I'm assuming partially due to Seacrest's face and general idiocy breaking their cameras. Either way, I watched the last half on ABC, which, for unexplainable reasons, allowed Kristin Chenoweth to screech her way through several interviews.

So, just a few pre-show notes:

Kelly Osbourne has only two statements prepared for critiquing dresses on the Red Carpet:
(1) "OH MY GOD. SHE IS GORGEOUS. I AM OBSESSED."
(2) "SHE LOOKS STUNNING. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL."
As you can tell, she's quite well spoken. And caps lock doesn't do her justice, as she literally was exclaiming both of those comments. E! picks some winners, I'm telling you.

E! stayed on air long enough for them to completely fail the Princess of Awards Show Season, Jennifer Lawrence, when she did the following:

WHAT, J.LAW AND EMMA STONE, BEST FRANDS? That's right folks. However, apparently the camera wasn't working, or as Seacrest fumbled, "We need to get a longer cord." That camera and you both, Seacrest.

I'm not offering any commentary on Kristin Chenoweth, as I'm about 85% positive that she is a gnome who will eventually haunt my dreams.

Anyway, onto notable moments of the show:

By "show" I'm not referring to the first hour and a half of the Oscars, where they handed out awards such as "Best Use of a Make-Up Brush" and "Sound Editing of Sounds Not Related to Explosions." I'm pretty sure those were two of the close races. Show producers should really give us an itinerary ahead of time. Perhaps with the all caps notes of "WATCH HERE FOR: ADELE" as that was really the most important part of the evening.

If you're wondering who the overall winner of the Oscars was, it was in fact, ADELE.

She added an Oscar to her awards collection. Meaning that so far, this season, she's won a Golden Globe, a Grammy, and an Oscar. She'll probably win the NBA Finals next.

One of my favorite moments of the night was when Sandra Bullock presented and made this face:

And then when J.Law won Best Actress (and no one was surprised, but her feet) and tripped walking up to the stage:

I enjoy that she took a moment to silently weep into the stairs after tripping. Only J.Law can play off tripping onto one of the biggest stages for actors. Good thing it wasn't in front of Meryl Streep or Sally Field. I hear they're considering letting her sit at their table.

Also, previously on the Red Carpet, when she was forced to tolerate Seacrest, he asked her if she ate something fatty prior to arriving. To which, she replied that she hadn't had time to eat and was hoping for free food inside, and then she made this expression, further proof that she is my spirit animal:

There were several performances stemmed from musical theater throughout the night, but none of them are worth mentioning except for Helena Bonham Carter during the "Les Miserables" number:

Aside from this shot, she sort stayed out of the spotlight of the performance, standing towards the back corner, like the nonchalant HBIC she is. Also, at one point, I swear, she was attempting to lip lyrics in that way when you're unsure of the words. You know, when you're just saying "Peas and Carrots" over and over, hoping that no one can tell you didn't rehearse. LIKE A BOSS.

Christoph Waltz won for Best Supporting Actor for "Django Unchained," and further cemented himself as one of my unexplainable crushes.

Seriously. I don't know what it is about this silver fox, but I think if I met him in person, I'd just giggle like a 13 year old girl while staring at the ground. Perhaps it's the pronunciation of his name in combination with his semi-accent. IT'S A MEDICAL MYSTERY, YA'LL.

Ben Affleck and "Argo" won for Best Picture, a well-deserved win for the Hooflack. 

He and Jennifer Garner continue to melt my heart like two puppies snuggling together under a blanket. They induce this involuntary "AW" reaction, which was in full form when he thanked her, but clarified that he does not associate her with Iran. Aw, precious. I hope my husband says that to me during our vows.

Other honorable mentions include Kristen Stewart continuing to fail at everything involving being a human and Jessica Chastain continuing her reign as Queen of the Gingers.

Not too shabby this year, I mean, aside from the first 90 minutes of the show. Biggest overall takeaways from the Oscars and this awards show season in general:

1. Ben Affleck has reclaimed my heart.

2. Anne Hathaway is still trying to top her role in "The Princess Diaries." Tough one.

3. Jennifer Lawrence should star in a movie with a soundtrack by Adele. They'd win absolutely everything.

4. Awards shows should stop taking away from their legitimacy by inviting people like Jessica Alba and Kristen Stewart to their prestigious events. Isn't there a screening process?

Lastly, in 2016, I'm voting for Michelle Obama and Meryl Streep for the White House. And Hillary Clinton. They'll win as the first trifecta-President-VP-HBIC. Success!

Shit Chloe Says

Me: "Bruno Mars is touring with Ellie Goulding!"

Chloe: "I love his music! Especially his new song, 'When I Was Your Man.'" 

Me: "Yes!"

Chloe: "It's what I imagine all my exes singing when they think about me."

Me: ...

Chloe: "I'm an egotistical bitch."

As a side note, Chloe's exes also sing "Teardrops on My Guitar" when thinking of her as well as "Big Booty Ho." Okay, I lied about some of that. They don't listen to Taylor Swift.

Thanks, Marina.

So I know a lot of people don't watch music videos anymore, but about 3/4 of the ones that are floating around feature lots of half-naked girls "dancing" and what not. I use quotes, as I'm unsure if what they're doing can be classified as dancing. More along the lines of pre-baby making, or actually, in some videos I think it may be actual baby making.

Thus, I present to you how a music video should be done.  The UK's Marina + The Diamonds (or well, I just call her Marina because we're friends like that) did this video for a pretty catchy song off her sophomore album.

It's like she read my mind and took every idea I had for a music video. The only thing missing is a shirtless Zefron scene. Though, to be fair, had she included that, I think the world would've imploded.

Enjoy!

What Did We Learn from the 2013 Grammy Awards?

Let me begin this post by correcting fools on every social media outlet (particularly Facebook) who were spelling "Grammys" as "Grammies." On music's biggest night, they were handing out trophies, not elderly women. Check yo'self.

As proved evident in all my previous "What Did We Learn" posts, Seacrest and Rancic never disappoint on their level of awkwardness and general failure as Red Carpet hosts. Thus, I won't go into too much detail regarding their shortcomings. Except for this gif of Lady Seacrest hitting T.Swift in the eye with his mic. Everyone wins!

To the show!

First off, I enjoy the drinking game that was invented where you drink everytime LL Cool J licks his lips. I was drunk by the end of his opening monologue. Are his lips that dry? Being that he's famous, can't he afford high quality moisturizer? I'll send him some Burt's Bees.

Adele won the first award of the night. For a song off an album that swept the Grammys last year. A song which she sang live. In other words, Adele could literally sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" in her shower, and it'd win for Best Pop Song. And Best R&B Song. And Best Folk Song. I'm also pretty sure she's nominated for three Espy Awards this year.

It was a big night for the group fun. Though I continue to be eluded by the fact that their lead singer looks like a cartoon character whose name I can't think of. And he continues to wear pants that are both too short for him ("flood" pants) and too tight. I was confused by his pants during their performance, as I was unsure if they were those compression running tights, or well, no that's what they were. Man-pris. And leggings. Manpri-leggings.

Pregnancy can occur via television, as was proved by Miguel's voice and Justin Timberlake in general. My clothes literally melted off my body when both of them sang. It was some sort of phenomenon. I also laughed when JT and Seacrest were on stage together. You could tell Seacrest was marveling at Justin, thinking to himself, "One day, I'll be a real boy!"

Faith Hill has braces. I won't make any jokes here because I know her pain. Also, someone tell Tim McGraw that leather cowboy hats are no longer in, and haven't been in since they were invented.

It was pretty thoughtful of Johnny Depp to make an appearance at the show. His pirate ship captain let him have some land liberty for the weekend to enjoy festivities. But, like Ariel from "The Little Mermaid," he had to return to the ship prior to midnight, otherwise all of those dirty handkerchiefs he wears would vanish into dust. Therefore taking away his pirate-status, AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

One of the most entertaining moments of the night was when Kelly Clarkson went up to accept her award. Girl was drunk as hell, don't act like you didn't see it. First she stumbled over to Katy Perry and John Mayer and said something to them, probably to the effect of, "Oh blargh blarh, ya'll are blargh still frazzle blargh." Then she hugged Miranda Lambert and their dresses got caught together. But, she went back stage, drank 2 pots of coffee and returned to give a flawless performance. Coffee works, ya'll!

ONE WORD: RI-RI. That's one word right? Like a compound word. Rihanna's voice has gotten so much better as compared to her "Pon de Replay" days. And she showed it off. Both figuratively and literally, as the dress she sported on the Red Carpet let us all see her Ri-Nipples. I'm surprised Seacrest didn't suffer an injury, since he stood eye-level to them during their interview. If it had been cold out, he most surely would've suffered a scratched cornea. I'm going to side-step her poor choices in the relationship department, but GIIIRL. Enough said.

Mumford & Sons took home the biggest prize of the evening, but more importantly, CAREY MULLIGAN! This moment was too presh. I literally said "AWW" out loud, as if I had just seen two puppies wearing sweaters, snuggling.

Prince is still fierce. He peacocked onto stage, presented the award, then essentially received credit for Gotye and Kimbra's success during their acceptance speech. That is how you do it. I especially liked how when he walked onto stage, he paused slightly, so as to let the lesser folk take all of his ferocity in.

So, LL Cool J closed the show. I'm guessing no one else was available. I felt sort of embarrassed by it. It was like watching your older uncle try to rap Jay-Z at your birthday party. Plus, he literally seemed to be holding the microphone in his mouth. Hands-free, ya'll!

Final Thoughts:
- I want to be a member of The Lumineers. Either the girl, because, did anyone even know there was a girl in The Lumineers? Didn't think so. Or, I'd want to be the guy who "plays" the tambourine and only says "HO!" during their song. I could do either of these jobs with ease.
- There were far too many shots of T.Swift dancing. Ain't nobody got time for that.
- Next year, Adele will return and win every single award.

Hope everyone enjoyed the show! Katy Perry's huge set of...jewelry thanks you for your attention.

What Did We Learn from the 2013 SAG Awards?

1.  Jennifer Lawrence continues to dominate awards show season. 

Seriously, if there was a varsity letter for winning awards, J.Law would’ve lettered a Meryl Streep amount of times by now. Plus, she tripped all over herself getting up to accept the award and made this gesture pictured above during her speech. Well played.  I would do the same, except trip, fall out of my dress onto Zac Efron, then stumble onto stage. Like a boss.

2.  Ben Affleck continues to woo my heart.

Let me again note that he and Jennifer Garner win for Prom King and Queen of the SAG awards (they previously won for the Golden Globes too). Literally every time the camera showed them, I said “AWWW” out loud. I even accept that scruffy-mountain-man beard he’s got going on. It’s like he’s a rugged Boston lumberjack. I’d make an inappropriate joke here about cutting down trees or deflowering or something, but I want to keep it PG-rated.

3.  Downton Abbey should win at least one award at every show.

I only recently found out that this show is called “DOWTON Abbey” and not “DOWNTOWN Abbey.” Doesn’t Downtown Abbey sound more normal? Like, “Oh, where are you going?”  “To downtown Abbey.” And when I present this rational chain of thought, I most often receive this as a reply: “Uh, but it’s Downton Abbey.” THAT IS NOT A REASON. Anyway, to my point. The woman who accepted the award for the cast had the most brilliant accent ever. Kind of like a cross between Oliver Twist and Madonna (when she’s British). We should let them accept an award at every show.

4.  The quality of a show increases fifty-fold when you don’t show shots of Jessica Alba or J.Lo’s current boy toy. 

I appreciate the SAGs (can I call them that?) weeding out the Z-listers.  Sorry bout it JAlba (she does not garner the accolades associated with a period after her first initial), but you are a Z-lister. I like to remind people every once in a while that she did that movie "Honey." I laugh just thinking about it. And do we really need to see what unknown-K.Fed J.Lo is dating this week? Thank you SAGs, for keeping it classy. I'm not featuring a photo here as that would totally oppose all of my beliefs. 

5.  Julianna Margulies haunts my dreams, slash, is a ghost.

So I don’t watch that show “The Good Wife,” so I’m not privved to Julianna Margulies face on a regular basis. Seeing her present at the SAGs was the first time I’ve seen her in a while (we’re not on a BFF basis). And dear God, what happened to her face? She was on screen for a solid 2 minutes and I swear, SHE DID NOT BLINK ONCE. I think she got her eyes botoxed. And I don’t mean like, the skin around her eyes, I mean her actual eyeballs. Because, everyone knows eyeballs show your true age. Aint nobody got time for back of the eyeball wrinkles! Also, I'm pretty sure that ponytail was what was holding everything together. Later on in the night, Daniel Day Lewis accidentally bumped into her, unraveling her hair. Her face immediately melted off.

As a sidenote, Nicole Kidman continues to be a fembot.

6.  Julianne Moore has boobs.

Let’s reference the photo.  I was absolutely positive that one or both of her boobs was going to make a guest appearance at some point. This photo actually does her justice, as she is not moving. When she walked onto stage to accept her award, you'd swear there was a breeze just blowing the material around her boobs around. She also kind of reminds me of those moms who try to stay "hip" by dressing really inappropriately in public places. "Hey Jonie, isn't that your Mom? That lady over there? With the boob hanging out of her mesh tank top?"

 7.  Sally Fields looks good, ya’ll!

Because of this, Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren are thinking about letting her sit with them again. Sally was banished after wearing sweatpants twice in one week back in 2009.

8.  I still feel immediately repulsed by the show being called the “SAG” awards.  

Let's face it, nothing good is associated with the word sag.

How I Know I'm Getting Old

Now that I'm well into the year of my quarter century age, I find it increasingly apparent that I'm not exactly a spring chicken.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not creaking around on a Hover-Round or wearing orthopedic shoes, but, you get the picture.  I've decided to compile a short list of things that I realize bother me most about today's youngsters:

1.  Teens at the Mall
Okay, first off, teen boys need to stop wearing their 5-year-old sister's jeans. It's just flat out wrong. Back in my day, baggy pants were the "thing."  Something I'm still baffled by, as they made guys legs look dwarf-sized, and made them waddle around like a penguin.  These "skinny jeans," as they call them, should really only be worn by the professionals.  And by "professionals" I mean male gymnasts.  No one else should be wearing jeans that show every line of a guy's leg.  Unnecessary.  Unless you're Zac Efron, in which case, no pants are completely acceptable.

Secondly, when did pre-teen girls start doing their make-up like 22 year old cocktail waitresses/exotic dancers? From what I remember from middle school (memories which are cloudy due to my furry eyebrows that partially blocked my vision), girls wore eyeliner and lipgloss. Those were the mainstays. I literally don't remember any girls caking foundation and eye shadow on. Now, we wore the big hoops (or "Ho-Hoops" as they were nick-named), because they were the multi-taskers of jewelry, easily transformable from earrings to bracelets!  Convenience.

This actually reminds me of a time when a friend and I walked past two OBVIOUS pre-teens, maybe 13, both wearing Uggs (cringe), apparel most likely from Hollister or some other dark-overpriced "California" store, and both were carrying a Starbucks cup.  I'M SORRY, WHAT.  WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?

2.  Rap music that repeats the same lyrics/only mentions "ass" and "titties"
Let me note, I'm a fan of rap music -- I'm all about some Drake or Lil' Wayne.  However, some of these new young lads are coming out with singles that are purely about, well, I have no idea what they're about.  I mean, I don't know about you, but know I love to hear a guy talk refer to me by specific body parts, or use the pronoun "bitch" every other second.  It's just so romantic! Said no one ever.

Also, I know Lloyd Banks has other songs and what not, but all I can think about when I hear his name is that song "Beamer, Benz, Bentley."  If you haven't heard it, don't waste your time.  I'm going to summarize it for you: "Beamer, Benz, or Bentley.  Beamer, Benz, or Bentley."  Now just repeat that 112 times, and BAM, it's a hit!

I find that when I hear these songs blasting from someone's Honda Civic, I actually make that frowny face that you see old people make at any loud noise.

3.  Kids complaining about high school "work"
Oh, you have to write a 2 page, DOUBLE-SPACED, paper on your favorite Care Bear?  I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU.  I'm sure no one writes papers on care bears, but who knows, I'm not in-tune with today's youth.  Stop complaining, and let me give you a hint that will benefit you for the rest of your academic life:  Size 16 font for every period on your paper.  BAM!  I just changed your life.

4.  Kids not respecting good music
Last summer I found out that my nephew (who's 15) does not "really like" the Beatles nor find their music that great.  He doesn't see what the "big deal about them" is.  I. NO. WORDS.  LITERALLY CANNOT SAY ANYTHING.  You understand where I'm coming from.

I think the fact that I referred to young people as "kids" in this post always gives hint to my aging demeanor.  As does the fact that I said "young people." As does the fact that yesterday while I was at the mall, I was trying on a jacket and an older woman told me "That looks great on you!"  Point here being that I was obviously shopping in the same section as an elderly woman.

Hip grannies unite!

What Did We Learn from the 2013 Golden Globes?

Well, the Globes have come and gone.  I thoroughly enjoyed them this year, even though the network once again ignored my request for a shirtless Zac Efron to present every award.  There's always 2014.  Anyway, here we go!

Let's recap with lessons learned, beginning with E!'s Red Carpet coverage:

- First off, we learned that Giuliana Rancic is a vampire from the 1800s, who most likely runs a brothel. I'm not even going to show you the bottom of this dress, just focus on top.  Though, don't stare too long, or she'll materialize in your bedroom and suck your blood.

-Secondly, Lady Seacrest and his "girlfriend" (read: BEARD) came with matching updos.  Do you think they used the same mousse?  Probably not.  I hear Seacrest is extra picky with his hair.  As a side note Megan Fox sarcastically (or well, I choose to believe she was being sarcastic) told him "I like your hair.":

General Seacrest Observations:

• Said "Can we see your feet? We don't want to miss this opportunity" to Amy Adams. Cross that off the bucket list!
• He should never say the word "sex." It's like seeing an elephant try to walk a tightrope.
• Seeing men like Ben Affleck stand next to him shows us the wide spectrum of manliness.
• He spoke so vividly with his hands, it made Bradley Cooper uncomfortable.

- Thirdly, I wish there was a way E! could hire me as the Glam Cam.  You know, the camera that gets to pan up and down at the outfit choice of whoever is being interviewed by one of the many E! failbots. They should put the camera inside some sunglasses, so when Hugh Dancy (Claire Danes fine ass husband) approaches, I can creepily scan him up and down.  But for "work" purposes, of course.

Onto the Show!

Someone call the unicorn police, TAY TAY LOST.  To the Meryl Streep of the music world, Adele.  Did Tay-Tay actually think her Hunger Games whine would beat the bitch slap vocals of Queen Adele? Anyway, this was her reaction.  I laughed for a good 10 minutes.  Yes, I'm a bully.

Jennifer Lawrence, or J.Law as we call her, is absolutely FLAWLESS.  She wore this ridic Dior gown that was one of my top 3 of the evening, and refused to shake Seacrest's hand because she's "sick." Whether she actually was or not, who cares, she refused Seacrest on live TV, and for that, I am forever grateful.  Also, she beat Meryl Streep AND Helen Mirren for Best Actress.  ULTIMATE LIFE GOAL, ACHIEVED.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are the Prom King and Queen of the Golden Globes/LIFE.  First off, he is looking really smoking hot lately, I mean, scolding fire hot.  And secondly, she was the first celebrity BFF I sent a bracelet to (which she accepted via a restraining order, just kidding! I think) because she is a badass, but a badass who you can picture has a garden and brings sliced oranges to her kids' soccer games.  Anyway, they are almost too cute to handle.  Put a wiener dog in a giraffe costume in his arm, and I think I might actually die.  Sidenote, let us appreciate the girl in the back right cheesing for the paparazzi.  WIN!

I should get partial credit for Anne Hathaway's win, as I ate all of that food she wasn't eating, when she was losing all of that weight for "Les Miserables."  SUCH a good person.

Apparently everybody loves HBO's "Girls," which I accept/support.  In her speech, Lena Dunham thanked Chad Lowe, because she had always promised herself she would.  Love it.  I'd thank Zac Efron, just prior to ripping my dress off and attacking his face with my face.  That's how to start a relationship, right?

Major lesson:  Apparently, there are no standards or pre-requisites in order to be invited to the Golden Globes, as is proved evident in the fact that J.Alba was not only allowed to attend, but they actually let her present an award!  I could produce an entire blog full of jokes, so I'll stop here.

Let me note, I love "Homeland."  But, I'm pretty sure Claire Danes won by hypnotizing/brain-washing the Hollywood Foreign Press Association with her crazy-non-blinking eyes.  During her speech, I felt both frightened and motivated to buy every season of "My So-Called Life." 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler should host every televised event that will ever occur.  And they should feature one drunk HBIC (i.e. Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep) per event.

And let's wrap things up with drunk Glenn Close, because drunken HBIC Queens rule the universe:

Cheers to awards show season!  I'm off to catch the flu because I heard Meryl Streep has it.